THE 'HIDDEN LIFE': WHERE PATHOLOGY FESTERS & GROW

The excerpts from this perfectly describe Yid with Lid... and maybe your Narcissist or Sociopath. It's the part of them that only we, their victims, know. Their coworkers, friends and probably even family are kept from seeing this dark, hidden side of them. Once they are done using us, we are smeared to embarrass us into silence and make sure that their family & friends never believe us. We are called scorned, bunny boilers, stalkers and all sorts of terms frequently used in the media... as if victims have no right to be angry at being emotionally & psychologically raped. You're not alone and most of all - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
 

Are you Involved with a Sociopath? 
by CRYSTAL EVANS  

Here are signs that you are probably dating a sociopath: 

1. You discover that he is a liar. You find out that who he says he is does not correlate with the norm. When ones lie they often have to make another lie to continue lying. I met a man on line who claimed he was a high school teacher. We were speaking via messenger and I realized that he could not spell simple words such as humor (he spelt it 'humer'). I decided to point that out to him and he launched into a rampage. I probed deeper and he refused to tell me which high school he taught and which subject he taught. I told him blatantly that if he was a                            teacher then I understood why the Jamaican education system was poor. The Internet is the best place for omitting important information, making false claims and deception.

(which when you read this whole site, you will see Dunetzdid this to me liberally. First, in profiling me to become my 'perfect man' and coerce me into an inappropriate relationship.

Second, just for the hell of it - whether resentment, jealousy, anger that my estranged Husband caught us or just because it was fun - lying and twisting the truth are like breathing to him. It usually is for all pathologicals. ... I have come to believe that being pathological, he really does not know what the truth is at any one time... as Dr. Hare says 'these people will adjust the truth to fit their lie.' Yes, even to themselves!)

2. He becomes angry if you question what he has told you. This is a sure sign of narcissism or antisocial personality disorder. It may be an indication of a control freak. It is best to cease communication with this person. His angry outburst may be a way of disarming you, trying to intimidate you into stop questioning his motives. You need to run! He definitely has something to hide.

Yes, Dunetz became angry when I questioned or probed what he told me. He would then lay on the NLP and mind control stuff so that my cognitive dissonance was so deep I couldn't think straight about anything - especially him.

He preyed on my disbelief that anyone I'd know for so long would treat me like this. Later he'd lamely apologize and blame it on something else - not feeling well, his wife, job stress... whatever was handy. He'd also block me for a few days or a week to train me not to question him (Silent Treatment). During that time he was cybering with pros, working on other victims, writing the reviews of all the high-end hookers he'd shelled out $1000s of dollars on - I'd be left wondering what I did wrong and learning never to question him.

3. He is super sweet. If a man shows signs of affection too early it may mean that he is faking it. If a man claims that he loves you and that you are the one for him, he may be pretending to get you to give him money or have a sexual encounter with him. He makes sweet innuendos and endearing statements that amuses and shocks you. You question how can you be feeling like this when you don’t even know how I look or if I am who I say I am? If your on line mate is doing this, it means that you have a red flag.

Dunetz got away with this one only because I'd known him from before. He told me repeatedly how I'd been one that 'got away' and how much he'd cared for me... blah blah blah.

It wasn't until after, in therapy, I started to remember some of the cruel and inhumane things he'd actually done and said to me in college. At the time he pounced on me online in 2002, I was struggling to deal with my severe disability, a horribly abusive marriage and 2 children I adored. The juggling act was killing me and YWL took full advantage of my weaknesses at the time.

Let me also say I have verified chats that show I was brutally honest about the weight I'd gained from my illnesses, medications and surgeries. I can prove in black & white that I sent him pictures of what I looked like now and he brushed them all away telling me he cared for me and 'didn't care' what I looked like now; that he wasn't that shallow. Of course, he later showed how pathologically shallow he truly is in attempting to bully me into silence with statements like this.

4. He becomes abusive if you refuse to meet him at this date or on line at this hour. I met a guy on line once who became very angry if he was talking to me and I did not respond. He would be asking which other men I was talking to on line. He asserted that I should cease talking to them and give him his attention and time now. I laughed. I knew I was dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths tend to test you by making a slip offense and then gauge your reaction, if you overlook it. It is more than likely that he will do it again. This particular sociopath will resort to name calling, telling you it is because you are ugly why you do not want to meet him and concluding that you are less of a person who does not deserve his time.

Sociopaths classically push your boundaries. Dunetz pushed first with language... then cybersex... then showing me depraved porn... then his masturbating on webcam... He was methodical and slow and couched everything with stuff like: "delete if you can't deal with it" or "here's a present for you" or "YOU are making me so horny that I HAVE to watch this stuff." Incorporating blame-shifting along with slowly using your emotions to push the boundaries of what you'd normally find o.k. Before you know it, you're over the abyss with this person and your left with a bad case of hyperarousal and marinating in oxytocin and dopamine while they feel NOTHING but control & dominance over you!

5. He is stalking you on line. Do you know an on line mate that views your profile every day? Does he send messages to your friend’s list? Does he send you emails via alternatives when you have blocked him on messenger?

After being caught, Dunetz went on the attack by posting my real name, address, phone and names of my children to bully and intimidate me online... extorting men to call me or my estranged husband's old phone number for phone sex or to stop by for a 'quickie.' He used a photo I had on my StumbleUpon page or whatever he could find. This included looking up a possibly schizoid ex-'friend' who was harassing myself and four other women online; and using her to try to hammer me into silence. I had to involve the FBI to get that stopped.

He also got a hold of my whole AOL Buddy list, sending lewd messages to a couple of my female friends - both of whom reported him to law enforcement. I had hard evidence he stalked my blogs, had a net-friend try to hack one of my blogs and even stole a template (I was shown by a friend more experienced than I in source codes that YWL did do this and HOW he did it) of mine back in 2004. Of course he swears innocence - but with a pathological: watch the DEEDS; never the words!

I will also never be silent about being abused by him. Ever. I speak out within reason for the sake of his children. But I will not lie.

6. He insults people in your life that he does not know especially if he thinks that they are better than him or you value their opinion over his. He calls your friend using derogatory terms and disrespects members of your family.

A few months after YWL and I first started talking, my sister in law (who is on the other side of the political fence from him) was visiting. She got online with him just to ask YWL some genuine questions about his opinion on Israeli politics. Rather than a calm answer - YWL sent her extremely rude and insulting answers; questioning her intelligence! My sister in law was very put-off. She has never forgotten and never will. I was sent information showing me how incredibly rude he is towards anyone who isn't worshiping at his feet a number of times. Pathologicals are not prone to civil discussion.

7. He is very possessive and controlling and you have not met offline as yet. This is a sure sign that you do not want to have further relations with this person. Why would someone act possessive of you without knowing who you are? Why would a man behave as if you are in a relationship with him and you have not met?

Possessive? No. Dunetz couldn't have cared less - but Controlling? ABSOLUTELY!

8. He asks you for money. Asking for money does not necessarily mean he is a sociopath because he may genuinely be in need of cash. But if solicitation becomes frequent, especially without verbalized intentions of meeting in person, then you have a scam on your hands that you need get rid of him before he bilks your bank account. 9. He drops off the face of the earth. Have you ever met a man on line that drops off the face of the earth when you have sex with him? When or if he resurfaces it is normally to reconnect sexually or take more money then disappears again? You need to get rid of this on line friend because he is apparently using you. He is exploiting you as a soon as a new supply is available he discards you.

I now realize YWL 'dropped off the face of the earth' the first time we had sex. I'd bled all over him; I found out later it was from internal BRUISING (he is NOT well endowed0 and he didn't call, stop by my dorm, enquire how I was... he just disappeared. He still to this day tries to tell people he deflowered me (he didn't). He made an assumption that benefited his image (including telling me I deflowered him! LOL!).

Even so, he didn't care... at all... that he'd physically injured me. And when my estranged-husband found out by hacking my computer, about our online emotional affair - Dunetz's response? Again - drop off the face of the earth.

He also distanced himself when I was then being beaten up, abused in front of my children - all because of HIM. I kept my estranged-husband from going to his wife. Because I have empathy and some class. For 18 months Dunetz found every reason in the world not to simply have lunch with me. He had me so brainwashed I didn't see it until it was too late. And the one time he did - he was disgusting & rude.

Also, the only reason he contacted me in March 2004 when everything he was up to came out? Was to play on my emotions in an attempt to silence me. He, to this day, has still NEVER attempted to apologize to my face. Dropped off the face of the earth... created a new identity (which he says he HAD to do to get away from me stalking him! LOL Again, trying to gain sympathy for himself.)

10. If your man exhibits half of the characteristics above then you should not take the relationship offline. In fact, you should end it online today.  

http://webupon.com/web-talk/are-you-dating-a-cyberpath-online/
 

His entertainment drive, also referred to as "sensation seeking, excitement seeking or novelty seeking," contributes to his enjoyment of being on the go, exploring new things/people/opportunities and searching for different experiences which often leads to infidelity.  

Many women wonder why psychopaths are never monogamous. The psychopath‘s entertainment drive is so high that he is always looking for something or someone new and exciting. 

This is also why many psychopaths are also very sexually deviant—always looking for the riskier sexual experience. This 'excitement seeking‘ drive in him serves as a 'hook-up‘ for women. 

Couple all of that with: a typically very strong sex drive sexual satisfaction stemming from power and control as much as the physical sex act ...and you have a combination for sexual acting out not likely to be quenched. + High Risk Taking Behavior + High sex drive + High entertainment drive = Infidelity in a psychopath 

 Psychopaths are known for their social dominance, status and power drives referred to as the 'antisocial pursuit of power.' This 'pursuit of power' is a driving force behind making some psychopaths prominent leaders. This is also why we often see psychopaths in prestigious careers such as law, medicine and business.  

Furthermore, it produces in them the edge of competitiveness, driving the successful ones to the top of their fields.

Dr. Leedom

HOW A MARRIED NARCISSIST (or SOCIOPATH) PLAYS HIS VICTIMS

A MUST Read!

IT IS RAPE!!

In a First, a Man Is Charged for Rape Over the Internet

 Sweden’s laws don’t require penetration to call it rape. 

 This article originally appeared on Motherboard. 

 Warning: This post and links within contain depictions of sexual abuse and rape. 

Society’s wrestled with the idea of what is and isn’t rape online since the dawn of avatars and chat rooms. Even before graphic user interfaces and the modern internet, “rape” happened in text-based servers—the most infamous, perhaps original, example documented in Julian Dibbell’s 1993 essay, “A Rape in Cyberspace,” which described abuse in a MUD server. In 2007, Belgium police investigated a Second Life user for “virtual rape.” World of Warcraft has a rape den. Harassment and abusive behavior in virtual worlds is rampant. 

But on Thursday—in a first for Sweden, and possibly for the world—a court found a man guilty of rape over the internet. He’d coerced children in Canada, the US, and Britain into performing sexual acts in front of a webcam while he watched, by threatening them and their families if they didn’t comply, according to the Associated Press. 

Prosecutors say that Bjorn Samstrom, a 41-year-old Swedish man, “threatened to post photos of the 26 girls and one boy on pornography sites or to kill their relatives unless they performed sex acts as he watched.” He targeted his victims, all under age 15, between 2015 and early 2017. He also recorded them, adding a child pornography possession charge to his sentencing of 10 years in prison and $131,590 total in damages to the victims. 

Samstrom never met them in person, but Swedish law does not require penetrative intercourse to be considered “rape.” 

“Most rape laws actually require the accused to have themselves sexually penetrated the victim, so in almost any other country it would be impossible to prosecute what happened here as rape,” James Chalmers, Regius professor of law at the University of Glasgow, told me in an email. “It will definitely set a precedent in Sweden, although it was already clear there that in principle there could be a rape conviction in a case like this.

”This is the first conviction of its kind in Sweden, and it’s probably the first conviction like this in any country. Thursday’s ruling isn’t likely to lead to more rape prosecutions for this behavior in other countries or change precedents around the world, Chalmers said. “But it might encourage other countries to think about how they define rape in legislation.”

https://www.vice.com/en_id/article/9kdwy7/in-a-first-a-man-is-charged-for-rape-over-the-internet

SEXUAL HARASSER

It's out now with more coming. The deluge of women and men who we sexually abused and assaulted. What’s triggering to me is the pushback saying: she/he is crazy, they dondrigs, they’re lying, I don’t remember, they’re exaggerating.  Yes heard it all before. Lately if an accused person says this I’m tempted to take it as an admission of guilt.

How interesting that YWL is a Right Winger -  the party of Roy Moore and Donald Trump.  YWL (I have a verified chat with him that proves this) once told me he likes very young girls with big breasts. EEEWWWW.  And like Trump he attacks and abuses any of his accusers.

If you ask him YWL will say he took his accusers to court (NOPE.  Zero proof or documentation of any court issues).  He and his wife lied to a police detective friend of theirs about me.  This detective harassed me quietly (off the books so to speak) and found out a very different and verifiable story.  OOPS!!  Did YWL ask the harassment of me be "off book" so he wouldn't get arrested when found he LIED?  Oh and there's the Cease & Desist I filed on him...

He'll tell you the women he's harassed are ugly, liars, fat, making it up, obsessed with him.  Do all these creeps say the same thing? Sure sounds like it.

Oh yes and there's that matter of his favorite Madam - Julie Moya - getting busted just after all the evidence about YWLwas turned over to NYPD Computer Crimes?  Crap his pants much?

This man admitted - in verified by NYPD computer chats - that he looked at "every woman like they're just a hole."   Yet on his blog makes sweeping statements about morality.

NERVOUS YET?

11 Lies Love Bombing Narcissists, Sociopaths (and Salesmen/Marketers) Tell

(Almost didn't recognize him without his d**k in his hands)

(YWL used these on ALL his victims and now uses them on his blog readers)

"If only we could acquire a lie detector that fit easily into our coat pocket.  Then, we would be alerted to the narcissist’s frequent falsehoods.  But alas, until those are made available, we must continue to unite against these predators through education.

Common Lies of Love Bombing
Narc Speak:

• I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
• I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
• No one understands me like you do.
• You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.
• You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
• My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
• You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
• I think I love you.  I think I want to marry you.
• I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
• We have so much in common.
• He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.

Deciphering the Lies
Wikipedia defines Love Bombing as an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.  It’s a manipulative tactic used commonly by cult leaders and abusive predators in romantic or other intimate relationships.  Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate.  It also appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.


Love is the most sought after human need.  So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to analyze the reasons ‘why’ for fear of losing what they’ve desperately been longing for.  In due course, the target becomes blindly dependent on their abuser; all while being hammered into submission.

Black Hole of False Love
Love Bombing includes not only the above phrases, but also over-the-top gestures of attention.  This plays out in the form of constant calls and text messages, gifts, flowers, invites to meet his family, requests to move in together, and splashing your social media sites with cutesy, flirty messages.  Of course, these are all behaviors of people who are courting one another…but not after one date.


In predatory terms, it’s called going in for the kill.  So how can you detect when this is happening and avoid becoming a Narcissist’s target?  Let’s examine the step-by-step process from the Narcissist’s point of view:

First, they have lost their previous source of supply.  Either their former partner left or the Narcissist is in the discard phase of the previous relationship.  Since narcs cannot function independently, they experience an urgent need to replace their partner.  This is why you will find them with a new companion in a very short amount of time.  Sadly, victims who’ve been discarded suffer very low self-esteem when they discover their abuser has found someone new, when the fact is, the Narc has love-bombed a fresh candidate in order to secure a new source of livelihood.  Don’t be fooled by the imaginary happiness of the Narc with his new supply. 


Narcs don’t view people as individuals.  They view them in terms of whether or not they will be reliable supply.


Next, the Narcissist will appear to be an exact mirror of the new target, which in this case is you.  Narcs don’t possess a fundamental inner-self, so they mimic that of their potential supply.  This explains why they appear to be soul-mate material.  The truth of the matter, though, is that the Narcissist targets people with positive energy, a good job, resources, intelligence, and the like.  They couldn’t care less about you as a person.  See how this is a recurring theme?


Lastly, a true connection with a potential partner is made through getting to know someone and creating a meaningful friendship.  No one falls in love in three days.  But, the energy it takes to secure new supply is exhausting, so the Narcissist wants to ensure his efforts pay off in as little time as possible.  Instant gratification is the game…and you’re it.


It’s important to note that these statements could very well be made by partners in a genuine relationship.


 However, there should be an element of balance.  If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag.  A relationship with a Narcissist is based on deceit.  The love and affection aren’t real, and they will never be.  At least, not from their side.  The only time you will witness these desired behaviors is when the Narcissist thinks you might leave.  You’ll also discover that when you’re back under his control, he becomes his true self again…an abusive, lying cult leader with you as his devoted disciple.



Infamous Love Bombers:
Charles Manson
David Koresh
Ted Bundy
John Wayne Gacy
YWL


http://letmereach.com/2014/01/19/exposed-11-lies-love-bombing-narcissists-tell/

Um... YWL?

REBUKE: ITS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

By Rev. Renee Pittelli

SPEAK UP FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES, FOR THE RIGHTS OF ALL WHO ARE DESTITUTE. SPEAK UP AND JUDGE FAIRLY: DEFEND THE RIGHTS OF THE POOR AND NEEDY -- Proverbs 31: 8-9

DO NOT HATE YOUR BROTHER IN YOUR HEART. REBUKE YOUR NEIGHBOR FRANKLY SO YOU WILL NOT SHARE IN HIS GUILT -- Leviticus 19: 17

MEN OF PERVERSE HEART SHALL BE FAR FROM ME: I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EVIL. WHOEVER SLANDERS HIS NEIGHBOR IN SECRET, HIM WILL I PUT TO SILENCE;

WHOEVER HAS HAUGHTY EYES AND A PROUD HEART, HIM WILL I NOT ENDURE NO ONE WHO PRACTICES DECEIT WILL DWELL IN MY HOUSE; NO ONE WHO SPEAKS FALSELY WILL STAND IN MY PRESENCE. EVERY MORNING I WILL PUT TO SILENCE ALL THE WICKED IN THE LAND: I WILL CUT OFF EVERY EVILDOER FROM THE CITY OF THE LORD -- Psalm 101: 4-5, 7-8

REBUKE: (v) TO CRITICIZE SHARPLY, TO REPROVE SEVERELY; TO REPRIMAND.

(n) AN EXPRESSION OF STRONG DISAPPROVAL

“SON OF MAN, I HAVE MADE YOU A WATCHMAN FOR THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL: SO HEAR THE WORD I SPEAK AND GIVE THEM WARNING FROM ME. WHEN I SAY TO THE WICKED, ‘O WICKED MAN, YOU WILL SURELY DIE,’ AND YOU DO NOT SPEAK OUT TO DISUADE HIM FROM HIS WAYS, THAT WICKED MAN WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, AND I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS BLOOD. BUT IF YOU DO WARN THE WICKED MAN TO TURN FROM HIS WAYS AND HE DOES NOT DO SO, HE WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, BUT YOU WILL HAVE SAVED YOURSELF AS SURELY AS I LIVE, “ DECLARES THE SOVEREIGN LORD, “I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN THE DEATH OF THE WICKED, BUT RATHER THAT THEY TURN FROM THEIR WAYS AND LIVE. TURN! TURN FROM YOUR EVIL WAYS! WHY WILL YOU DIE, O HOUSE OF ISRAEL?” -- Ezekiel 33: 7-9, 11.

Wow, the Lord can’t make it any clearer than that! If ever we had any doubts that God wants us to take a stand and speak up against evil, this passage should remove them. The Lord tells us that WE SIN when we remain silent about wrongdoing. God tells us that we are doing an offender a FAVOR by rebuking her. Offenders themselves may not see it that way, but quite frankly, their opinion doesn’t matter.  

Although we hesitate and sometimes don’t know quite what to say, rebuking a wrongdoer isn’t really that complicated. Rebuke is simply making a statement directly to the offender. It is saying to him, “What you’re doing is wrong, and I don’t condone it”, or “What you did was wrong, and you need to be accountable for it.”

Rebuke is not condemnation, rebuke is CORRECTION. It is teaching, pointing someone in the right direction, showing him, by our disapproval of his behavior, what is appropriate and acceptable. When we rebuke, we are warning a wicked person. We are giving him a chance to change his ways and save his soul. God WANTS him to turn from evil. He does not want anyone to continue sinning and be condemned to hell. Therefore, he assigns us a divine mandate to REBUKE when we see evil being committed.

So why are we so reluctant to speak up? Maybe we never thought of it as being on a Mission From God before. Yet, that is what it is. Our mission is to turn as many souls to the Lord and away from the devil as possible. And rebuke is the God-given tool by which we will do that.

Unfortunately, few wicked people, or “fools” will turn from their sin, but the Bible tells us that righteous people will appreciate our rebuke and heed us. By rebuking, we can help good people to see the error of their ways, avoid destructive or hurtful behavior, grow in the Lord, and walk more closely with God.

REBUKE A WISE MAN AND HE WILL LOVE YOU,. INSTRUCT A WISE MAN AND HE WILL BE WISER STILL; TEACH A RIGHTEOUS MAN AND HE WILL ADD TO HIS LEARNING -- Proverbs 9: 8-9.

HE WHO REBUKES A MAN WILL IN THE END GAIN MORE FAVOR THAN HE WHO HAS A FLATTERING TONGUE -- Proverbs 28:23.

FLOG A MOCKER, AND THE SIMPLE WILL LEARN PRUDENCE: REBUKE A DISCERNING MAN, AND HE WILL GAIN KNOWLEDGE -- Proverbs 19: 25.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD IS THE BEGINNING OF KNOWLEDGE, BUT FOOLS DESPISE WISDOM AND DISCIPLINE -- Proverbs 1:7.

This is a Biblical version of “You can’t win them all”, but we’re still supposed to try.

Rebuking is different from setting limits or boundaries. We set boundaries on FUTURE behavior, but we rebuke PAST or PRESENT behavior. We usually rebuke ONGOING behavior, but we might also rebuke a one-time offense which caused pain for us or someone else.

Many times rebuking goes hand-in-hand with setting boundaries. After we have rebuked an offender for something they have already done, or are doing on a continual basis, we then set limits on what we will tolerate from then on. The rebuke is the first step in letting someone know that their actions or words are unacceptable and will not be condoned. The boundaries are the next step, to make clear what is or is not acceptable in the future. Rebuking can be described as “speaking the truth in love”. BOTH TRUTH AND LOVE are equally important.

Being loving does not mean that we cover up, whitewash, avoid, or deny speaking the truth. And telling it like it is does not mean we are not loving, although offenders will often try to make us feel guilty for doing so. Speaking the truth is stating, quite simply and clearly, what the offender has done, that his behavior is unacceptable, and what the results of his actions or words were, including pain inflicted on someone else. Since we did not cause the pain, describing it and stating the facts is nothing for US to feel guilt over.

Speaking the truth plainly does not mean we cannot do it with love. We need to at least start out with a spirit of reconciliation and the hope of resolving the problem. Whether this is possible or not is not solely up to us, but will depend upon the offender’s reaction to our rebuke. Our only obligation is to live in peace with others.  

However, God realizes that it is not always possible to live in peace with everybody because it does not always depend on US, and we need to realize that, too. We are not responsible for an abuser’s negative reaction to our rebuke or his refusal to listen to rebuke. We are only responsible to rebuke him in the first place. If he refuses to repent and change his ways, our responsibility ends and we are released from any obligation to continue the relationship under those circumstances. In fact, at this point, the Bible tells us to have nothing further to do with him. Rebuking with love does not mean we must be passive, wishy-washy, reluctant, or even calm when we rebuke.

How we approach rebuking an offender has more to do with HIS nature than ours. We need to adapt our approach to the offender’s personality and character. With some people, we will need to take a mild, although firm, approach, because anything stronger will overwhelm or devastate them. These people are usually not chronic abusers, as chronic abusers usually have much thicker skins, but are perhaps thoughtless or inconsiderate. Blasting them with both barrels would be very hurtful and counterproductive. We may wind up doing far more damage to the relationship than the original offense did.

Approaching them in a calm, laid-back manner and with a spirit of cooperation will give us the best chance for restoring the relationship to one that we can all be happy with. This is the best possible scenario, where everyone involved acts out of love, so that everyone’s feelings can be validated and hurtful behavior will stop.
Unfortunately, at the other extreme is the malicious abuser - the one whose behavior is outrageous and destructive - the one who betrayed you - the psychopath who couldn’t care less about anybody but herself- the one who makes your life, and probably everyone else’s, a living hell. This is not the type of offender you pussy-foot around. You are never going to get anywhere with such a person by being gentle and low-key. You will probably have no choice but to raise your voice just to be heard. This is the time to break out the big guns, make sure your rebuke is very strong, and make your disapproval of his behavior loud and clear. Allow yourself some righteous anger, and allow that anger to show.

Now none of this means that you don’t love your relative anyway - indeed, you are putting yourself through all this turmoil just to make your relationship better. It simply means that your relative’s stubborn, stiff-necked, or unloving nature makes it necessary for your rebuke to be powerful. Anything less, and this abuser will just steamroll right over you, and nothing will be accomplished at all. I smile when I try to imagine one of us having the courage to call even downright wicked people. It seems we try so hard to voice our complaints about someone’s mistreatment the “peaceful” way, even though that rarely gets us anywhere with true abusers. One way of looking at it is that with some people, you might as well prepare yourself because there is no way, no matter how nicely you try to approach them, that you are not going to wind up in a big fight anyhow. This is THEIR doing, NOT yours.

Getting all huffy and insulted and starting an argument when you try to reason with him is an abuser’s way of diverting your attention from the real issue, so he can avoid having to apologize or agree to any change in his behavior. In fact, if he’s really good at his little act, he’ll wind up getting YOU to apologize for upsetting him! This will also guarantee that in the future, you’ll be reluctant to ever again bring up anything else you might need to get resolved with him.

YOUR challenge, on the other hand, with a “professional” abuser, is to turn the tables on his strategy, and to make the confrontation so unpleasant for HIM that HE’LL be the one who is reluctant to rattle YOUR cage again. If you succeed, there actually is a chance that you’ll be able to resume a reasonably pleasant relationship with this person, because, if nothing else, at least he’ll have some respect for you and hopefully be more careful about ignoring your boundaries in the future. 

If you can get him to censor what he says and does around you in the future, your interactions will at least be tolerable, should you choose to continue in the relationship, and whatever it takes to accomplish that should be tried. Again, although it is not the first and best choice, you can still love your relative and rebuke her severely if her own hard-hearted nature makes it necessary. When rebuking a fellow believer, by all means, point out what the Bible says about his behavior. 

It is very important to lovingly show him how his sin will separate him from God. The one you are rebuking may very well believe you are not being loving, and may accuse you of “harshness”, “attacking” her, etc. But just because she feels unloved at this particular time, does not mean it is true. You can tell her you are sorry she feels that way but that doesn’t change the fact that what she did was wrong and you do not accept it. Such a reaction is the result of her own pridefulness and the shame she feels at being confronted with her unacceptable behavior. Rather than learn from your rebuke and repent, she chooses to try and turn it around to make YOU feel guilty for speaking up to her. An abuser’s negative reaction does not mean we are wrong for rebuking her. Her reaction really doesn’t matter. It is not our job to make her happy at the price of turning a blind eye to her wrongdoing. 

Our only obligation is to be obedient to the Lord and stand up and confront wickedness as he has told us to do. Here are some examples of rebuke in some common situations. First, I have given the mild version (A), and secondly, the more forceful version of these examples (B), for when the milder versions won’t work. These are just examples of dialog to demonstrate how rebuke might sound. The possible situations which might call for rebuke are endless and it is impossible to give exact examples to cover every circumstance, but I hope to give you some ideas as a jumping-off point:

(A)It was wrong of you to keep that money when the clerk gave you too much change. What if it comes out of the clerk’s pocket? You need to give it back.

(B)It is dishonest of you not to return that money. That’s stealing! Since when are you a thief? I’m ashamed of you!

(A)You embarrassed me when you told Aunt Marge about my marital problems. You broke a confidence and now I feel as if I can’t trust you anymore. (

B)How dare you tell anyone my personal business? It’s not your place to talk about me to others. If I want anyone to know my business, I’ll tell them myself!  

(A)I know you don’t realize this,, but your behavior is inappropriate and your judgment is poor when you’ve been drinking. So you cannot be with my children if you’ve had a drink.

(B)Being drunk in front of the kids is totally unacceptable! You are never to drink in their presence again!

(A)I don’t like it when you raise your voice to me. Let’s stop this conversation now and pick it up again after we’ve both calmed down.

(B)I am another adult, not a naughty child you think you can yell at. From now on, you will address me with respect, is that clear?

(A)Maybe you didn’t mean to hurt Sally’s feelings, but what you said to her sounded a lot like criticism. I think you owe her an apology. (

B)Sometimes you say very hurtful things and you need to keep that in check when talking to Sally. No one really wants to hear your criticism. You need to apologize to her for what you said,.

(A)Let’s try and make our get-togethers enjoyable for both of us. I don’t want to spend our time together listening to you evaluate me, so please stop.

(B)If you are going to be judgmental of my life, then you need to keep your opinions to yourself. What I do is none of your business!

(A)How could you say that about Ellen? You know that’s not true. You need to go back and set the record straight.

(B)Why did you pass malicious gossip around about Ellen? You are a liar! She never did what you said, and she never did anything to deserve such treatment from you. I will not let you get away with hurting her reputation. You need to go back and admit to everyone that you just made it up!

(A)You know, Joe, you can’t always have what you want when you want it. You need to be a little patient.

(B)You know, Joe, you seem to think you’re the only one who’s waiting for this. Stop being so selfish and wait your turn like everybody else!

(A)Mom, sometimes you have to take other people’s wishes into consideration.

(B)Mom, you are being very demanding and selfish. It’s not all about you. Try to have a little consideration for somebody else for a change.

Sometimes, there are situations in which the behavior is just so wrong that a mild rebuke would be inappropriate. These are times we need to be direct and tell the offender in plain language that he is WRONG! Only forceful rebuke fits certain circumstances:

You used my apartment to cheat on your wife? How dare you involve me in your adultery! I will not be a party to this. Give me my key back now- you’re not welcome here anymore!

I know you beat Jessie up. Your behavior is deplorable. You need psychiatric help! Stay away from me and my family!

No, I’m not your friend since you were convicted of child molestation. I don’t have friends who are child- molesters! I have to have SOME standards- What’s next, serial killers?

How can you have anything to do with Jim now that he’s in prison for raping your daughter? That’s disgusting! As long as you continue to support the pervert who raped your own child, I will have nothing to do with you!

You stole money from your sister?! That is disgraceful and despicable! What kind of lowlife are you?

Mild or forceful, rebuke of a truly wicked person has little chance of actually working. The Bible tells us not to bother rebuking fools who will not listen. The point of rebuke is to correct and help turn from sin those who will listen, and to at least stand up to the evil of those who will not. The Lord’s judgment is righteous and perfect and all who continue in their evil ways will be punished. Our job is to rebuke wrongdoers, for their own sakes, and to try to influence them to repent. But God does not tell us to try forever - once we have given an offender fair warning that his behavior is wrong, then if he remains stubborn and continues in his sin, we are to give up and let him be. The Lord will deal with him after that.

HE WHO HEEDS DISCIPLINE SHOWS THE WAY TO LIFE, BUT WHOEVER IGNORES CORRECTION LEADS OTHERS ASTRAY -- Proverbs 10:17.

HE WHO LISTENS TO A LIFE-GIVING REBUKE WILL BE AT HOME AMONG THE WISE. HE WHO IGNORES DISCIPLINE DESPISES HIMSELF, BUT WHOEVER HEEDS CORRECTION GAINS UNDERSTANDING -- Proverbs 15: 31-32.

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THOUGHTS

STILL SMEARING ME?

CASUAL CRUELTY

Dominance, power, and having followers are very important to the psychopath's need for total adulation and control. Psychopaths absolutely bask in adulation, many using pity, in a most conniving way, to get the attention that they need. 

Sometimes the way a psychopath asserts his control is done subtly. The psychopath often plays jokes and tricks on others to humiliate them or to assert dominance. Sadly, many are mistaken about the typical psychopath. A psychopath is not always looking for money or sex, quite often, he or she is merely interested in taking you along for a ride. I

 also do not believe that psychopaths always know that they are hurting you. A psychopath behaves the same way with everyone. Most of them take pleasure merely in playing the rouse, and not much else. A psychopath has no interest in your inner emotional state because they themselves have no empathy. They merely enjoy "pulling one over" on people.  

A psychopath cannot truly love and therefore cannot become obsessed with another individual. They are too egocentric, narcissistic, and lack emotional connection to any other human being.  

The central theme of Don Juan's (the psychopaths's) seductions is not even the sexual enjoyment, but playing the trick... While he gives no real love, though he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others...  

Again, this quote from Gordon Bank's work, "Don Juan as Psychopath," reveals that the psychopath is mostly interested in playing tricks with his prey, almost in a playful way. To the psychopath, such things are not really big deal, while for the victim, however, it becomes a rather big issue indeed. Many of the victims of psychopaths enter therapy as a result of this. 

Many victims believe themselves to be flawed after an experience with a cyberpath. Some of them are harassed by the family and friends of the psychopath, which makes matters worse. He is motivated primarily by the need to dominate and humiliate either the person he is 'taking' or, very often someone connected to another person with whom he is involved.

Psychopaths relish in another's humiliation, which may appear to us as a certain, perverse quality. They take pleasure in what we find obscene, because they are not like other people, they have no true connection to anybody, and are incapable of feeling real love. Messing with another person's emotions and life is merely a way to pass the time, pulling one over on you is fun and enjoyable.  

Most of the crimes psychopaths commit, tend to be "crimes of the heart" and/or "casual cruelty", they are cruel, manipulative people who leave a trail of broken hearts and often broken lives behind them.  

Again, most psychopaths are common liars and predators. Do not be fooled by someone who tells you that there is such a thing as a "harmless liar." A liar is never harmless. A person who lies should never be trusted, and once you find out they've lied to you even once, it's time to break it off. Once having drained what they can from one source, they turn to others to exploit, bleed, and then cast aside; their pleasure in the misfortune of others is unquenchable. People are used as a means to an end; they are to be subordinated and demeaned ...the pleasure they gain from their ruse often flags once the rewards of deceit have been achieved.  

Before long, their true unreliability may be revealed as they "stop working at" their deception or as their need grows to let others know how clever and cunning they have been A psychopath may keep you hooked for as long as they need your narcissistic supply. Once you start getting "wise" to them, however, or once he or she begins to tire of you and find that your narcissistic supply is becoming inadequate, you will soon find out, through some subtle manuevers, that your absolutely "perfect" future mate is nothing but a charade.  

SOURCE


2010-07-10 16:32:21 
I just got of a relationship with a Psychopath: I was devastated at first because he was charming. However, now that it is over everything that he did is starting to reveal itself... Wow, was I fooled. 

I know it is not my fault. I am ok and thank God this happened before the long walk down the aisle...