YIDWITHLID'S THREAT (March 19, 2004 confirmed)

 

HERE'S WHAT I TOOK TO NYPD. I went to the XXth Precinct on March 20, 2004, to my lawyer on March 22, 2004 and to Computer Crimes in Manhattan on March 25, 2004 (when they gave me an appointment). Look out here comes the REAL Jeff Dunetz! Not the charming predator who says anything to anyone to get what he wants from them. No.. here's the abusive bully who lashes out when he's caught - the psychopath who attacks when someone finds out what he really is and he hadn't yet had time to think up the lie to cover the truth! 
 

Jeff: Let me make this clear. You got me back its done !!! Next there is a call, email letter anthing to me my office or anyone in my family or anyone about me from you or ANYONE I will swear out an order of protection with the police.
And you better believe that the copy of it I send to [your estranged husband] will have some of the prose you sent to [YWL's wife] ..Plus some added tidbits of my own. Fedex goes to Queens
Barbara: I read that
Jeff: nothing on the web either - I will assume its from you
Barbara: my estranged husband knows everything
Barbara: you cant hurt me anymore
Barbara: what on the web
Barbara: what are you talking about
Jeff: I am a great emglisser (YIDDISH TERM FOR B*LLSH*TTER)
Barbara: huh? you are sick
Jeff: [your estranged-husband] might find that it was physical
Jeff: its over

Barbara: he already thinks that, so what

Jeff: Ill give him proof
Barbara: so what... you can't do anything to me [Jeff]
Barbara: that hasn't already been done
Barbara: my therapist and my doctors know
Barbara: everyone knows
Barbara: I just hope as your friend you get help
Jeff: I will see to it your children are taken away
Jeff: I am on more durgs than I will ever understand
JEff: my friend ? lol
Barbara: I pray they work

Jeff  CLICKED OFF THEN OR BLOCKED ME - or both. ("prose" I guess indicates he'd already started telling his wife I was stalking him.  Trying to lure him. Okie dokey  LOL)


This made me go to the Police - who, in turn, did some deep web searches and found out about the hookers - who then told Elizabeth and myself and started the ball rolling for the closing of a $3M a year brothel, a couple escort booking agencies and a Temporary Order of Protection for me and my children.

The fact that this chat upset me so bad and the "force" of what Jeff said to me - that I had to go to the Police says one thing in retrospect:

How much he meant to me and how very little I ever meant to him. Even as a friend.

Apparently only Jeff says when things start and end. I was not to feel any hurt for being lied to. Or hurt for taking abuse because of him - because to Jeff I was just words on a screen, right? Like all psychopaths - he saw me and others as just objects!

The original chat is on file with source codes, verified - with the XXth Precinct, NYPD Computer Crimes and my attorney. I did not alter it in any way. NYPD told me they are keeping this sealed because of the trial & conviction of 2 brothel owners. I had already told his wife. And that was the ONLY person in Jeff's life I told. I sent her 3 packages, as soon as I got stuff I sent it to her.

She was only person I ethically needed to tell. As you can see Jeff already made up his mind he was going to lie, blame, slander and smear me.

And he has never fully stopped.

Imagine you are a narcissist. Remember also that you have this unbearable pain inside, the pain of unbearable shame. All your life you have felt like you're inferior, not up to standards, worthy of contempt. But you keep awareness of that at bay by playing pretend that the opposite is true = that you are god and that the rest of humanity (except for the very special people like you) are dirt beneath your feet.

So, 99% of the time, that's what you think you are - a god. It's self delusion. But every time someone treats you like an ordinary man or woman and as their equal, worthy of your consideration and respect, they are challenging your precious delusions of superiority. You HATE that! Because every time they relate to you as a man, they are NOT relating to you as a god. And that makes those true feelings you have repressed surface to consciousness on you. You must stop that from happening.

So, in terror, you instantly attack anyone who says or does something that reminds you that you are not God. Like a three-year-old playing Pretend with her friends, you stamp your foot and yell (in so many words), "NO! You're not supposed to say THAT! You're supposed to say THIS!"

You thus train the people around you not to say or do anything that conflicts with your delusions of superiority. That is, you train them to play along with your script in your game of Pretend. But you cannot stop everything from happening that calls your true feelings to consciousness. And they are too painful.

So, you go berserk with the pain whenever they start to surface, wildly doing anything you can to instantly repress them to the subconscious again. I often liken this subconscious-burying behavior to someone frantically shoving dirt on a corpus delicti to keep it buried in one of those old horror movies.

You will do anything - ANYTHING - to prevent a moment of self awareness! Because you have this dark, unutterable terror that it would kill you. Really, you are that frantically afraid of seeing your true self in a mirror. So, you are playing Pretend 100% of the time. 24-7-365.

You pretend that you are not lowdown by pretending the antidote = pretending that you are a god. And you pretend that you are a god by treating others like dirt. You pretend that you are not amoral by pretending the antidote = pretending that you are a saint. And you pretend that you are saint by portraying others as sinners. And so on and on and on and on.

Bottom Line: You kill your pain by causing others pain. (In other words, like a three-year-old, you pretend that you can transfer it to others.) You glorify your image by trashing others' image.

In other words, you exploit people, brutally as unfeeling and inhuman as a psychopath about the pain and damage you are doing to them by this. You thus make others bleed just to maintain your delusions and keep you from knowing yourself as you are. Others must bleed so that you can feel good, so that a moment of self awareness doesn't make you just kill yourself.

Is that not exactly what the predator thinks? The wolf thinks the lamb must bleed so that he can eat and live. The wolf thinks that this is what lambs exist for - to feed HIM. And that's what predators, like sexual predators, emotional predators, child predators, pyschopaths, and other brands of narcissists think other people exist for = to FEED them.

To kill all human sympathy in themselves (which would make it impossible for them to do what they wanna do), they just pretend that others are inferior beings, like bugs. Hence they don't relate humanly to their human victims. They relate to them as but objects By projecting it onto others.

But what if you get into trouble for doing these things? What if you end up before a judge or in a psychiatrist's office? What if the neighbors find out and start looking at you askance? Remember, you do everything solely for effect, to get the reaction you want out of these people. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what you will do. You will just switch masks.

Now you put on your "victim" mask. Your "Who-poor-little-old-me?-I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly" act. What better place for the devil to hide? Now you whine about what a wretched childhood you had. Now, so that people don't realize that you are just a predator who attacks any vulnerable prey in sight, you say that the victim hurt your poor, poor, tender feelings and that you were just lashing out in self defense.

What happened to your God-act? You just put that away for the time being, because it won't get you what you want from people under the current circumstances. Besides, it's funny. Your own private inside joke.

People don't have NPD; NPD has people.

Narcissist Personality Disorder does not leave such concrete evidence around like empty bottles, mysterious car dents, drunk-driving charges or visibly injured spouses. No, it feeds on the less concrete aspects of our lives. Damage is visited upon the people around NPD sufferers, and the behavior of the NPD sufferer is explained away using countless plausible rationalizations. To help my own understanding, I have come up with a metaphor for the disorder and the person who is afflicted by it. The metaphor is one of a puppeteer (the disorder itself) and a puppet (the person with the disorder). Let's explore the puppet metaphor to help understand how Narcissistic Personality Disorder works. The puppet metaphor illustrates what I believe is the salient challenge of NPD for those people around it: you think you are dealing directly with a person, but you are not. Instead, you are dealing with someone under the control of NPD. Here is what I have read about and experienced first hand. Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers:

• Lack the ability to empathize. They can fake it on and off, but if you have enough exposure to the person, eventually you will see this pattern clearly. They may show zero emotion when hearing news of, for example, deep suffering of huge numbers of people.
• As psychiatrist Thom Hartmann says, they "Kiss up and Kick Down", meaning they are incapable of having truly healthy relationships. They regard other humans as a kind of resource to be used for their own ends.
• Loathe themselves. Extensive research shows that NPD is rooted in denied love at the very early stage of the sufferer's life, and they spend the rest of their life devouring others in a futile attempt to fill this void.
• Go from incredible highs to deep lows. When they are high, they might not be able to stop talking. When they are low, they struggle to say good morning.
• They fly into a rage at the slightest provocation on some days. And at other times, they seem impervious even to the most brutal attack. They might stay awake all night wrestling with a single innocuous thing you said to them the day before, and then launch at you the next day with some bizarre logical conclusion of it.
• When you challenge their behavior, you may quickly move from Friend to Enemy. Sufferers of NPD think in black-and-white terms. You are either "with them or against them".
• Ultimately, they are at the center of the universe. Just like an alcoholic, they will risk a lot to get their next fix.
• Their relationships with newcomers go through three stages that I have identified: (1) Enchantment to (2) Disenchantment to (3) Contempt.
• NPD starts early and its sufferers have over decades developed an impressive range of dis-empowerment skills, from "you are being too sensitive" to talk about a person being a "good person" or a "bad person". (Who are they to judge!).
They are masters at setting one person against another, and they construct a culture of distrust and hostility.
• They always believe they are right.

From what I have read, NPD sufferers rarely get clinically diagnosed, let alone treated. I can understand that. Just imagine waking up with the notion that you might be afflicted with this condition; you would have to build your life from scratch, even if you did believe treatment were possible.

There are plenty of people out there who have suffered at the hands of an NPD sufferer, and extensive research has been done to be able to identify it. The Internet is awash with anecdotes, life stories, remedies and the results of research. It is called a disorder because something is broken, not because something is unusual. Don't let others convince you that the person is just "a bit quirky" or "has a bit of an edge".

At least be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what they say, and it also doesn't matter what I say. You have to work it out. Give it time and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, if you are exposed to it in someone in whom you have personally invested, will hurt you. It's a slow nibbling-to-death process.

First, you're attracted to this striking person because you seem to have so much in common with them, and striking they are, as they weave a web around you. They know exactly how to get attention - they've been perfecting it all their lives. What's really happening is you are being prepared for dinner. Their dinner. And you are but one of their side-dishes. They never counted how many little folks like you they have consumed over the years. A spider doesn't count the flies he eats and he has no feelings for any ofthem. The fly is just dinner; that's his place in this world. When you have a relationship with a sufferer or NPD, you are the fly.

The preposterousness of what I have just said is one of the reasons NPD gets to go on giving for a long, long time. Few will believe until they personally get punched in the face by it. And by that time, they've moved on to new willing victims.

NPD destroys relationships, trust, and whole families, yet still gets to continue in full swing, for a long time. There are no empty bottles to point to, no dirty syringes, or unexplained bruises on someone's arm. A person under the control of NPD can behave perfectly normally one moment, just like the puppet sits quietly in the puppet chair while the strings remain loose, then unexpectedly and suddenly turn on you as if you had committed some great crime against them.

The Puppet Knows he is a Puppet I believe that a person under the control of NPD know that something is wrong; that something is very wrong. Often, and perhaps this is their real curse, such a person if very intelligent. They are good at working things out and they know something is definitely awry - but they are just the puppet, not the puppeteer - so it continues. Still, like so many human issues, ones "higher self" knows.

The Nice Man, The Bully and the Friend. Imagine a chap by the name of Joe Smith. Joe shares a flat with a bully by the name of Biff. One evening, Joe is entertaining a close friend in the living room and Biff in the kitchen overhears something Joe's friend says in the living room. Biff immediately takes grave offense, storms into the living room in a rage and verbally abuses Joe's friend who gets up to leave because he is deeply hurt from the unexpected verbal assault. Joe sits there in shock about what has just happened.

Biff goes upstairs to sleep it off while Joe gets to pick up the pieces, apologizing profusely for his flat mate's outrageous behavior, perhaps even descending into a degree of denial about it all. Joe is just a regular guy like you or me, Biff is the ever controlling NPD he suffers from, and Friend is anyone Joe has a relationship with.

NPD is like an unpredictable flat-mate. It might leave the sufferer alone for periods of time, days or sometimes weeks, but it always returns. Just when it looks like it's not really there anymore, it marches into the room and beats your friend up. NPD will try to invalidate the feelings of those it hurts

"You're too sensitive" is a common attempt at invalidation used by a person under the influence of NPD. They try to invalidate what you are feeling because you are "over-reacting" to what has happened. Ironic, really, because the person under NPD begins the emotional encounter with an overreaction in the first place. They know how to invalidate the feelings of others.

This is why the Puppet metaphor fits so well for a person under NPD. You think you're talking with a reasonable person.

After all, they've got that great degree in physics or medicine - they must be open to reasonable debate, you think.

Wrong. When you try to reason with them, you will get yourself caught up in their puppet strings, and if you are not careful, will get sucked into their whole messy psycho world. That is, if you care. That is, if you have empathic skills.

Lack of Empathy - the signature of a person under NPD

Somewhere in their past, a person under NPD was left out in the cold. They were neglected in some way that left them hurt and feeling abandoned. Not usually in a physical sense, but more likely in a way that suggested they were unworthy of love. It is normal for a baby to think they are the center of the universe.

It is normal for a seven year old not to fully connect with the teary-eyed adults surrounding the casket of their grandfather. But babies and kids grow up. They grow to learn the emotion of empathy; they grow to take on the adult burden of supporting others in the community, the family and the relationships around them.

Persons under NPD are blind to empathy. Sure, they are masters at faking it, but they just cannot feel it. They know how to make themselves look like they're connecting, complete with speeches from the heart and teary-eyed funeral visits. But they are in the game from themselves alone. When you get that about people who have the disorder, you begin to understand just how vulnerable you really are when such a person is close.

 ------------------------------------------

 ljgurl@bntig.edu  2007-05-06 06:26:23 
 How did you ever believe a thing this jerk said to you? He's a cold, calculating snake.


 hhjagr@hotmail.com 12.191.209.236 2007-05-22 13:07:21 2007-05-22 17:07:21
Predator. He gives men a bad name. Yes, you did wrong but in your situation he provided a sympathetic ear and then used you. He has temerity to complain and blame. Puts you in the hospital? Now he's mad you speak out?


yopkow@hotmail.com 61.17.167.89 2007-05-22 05:10:10 2007-05-22 09:10:10 
You got taken for a ride. And now he's mad you're being truthful? Has he even attempted to talk to you? Guess this is what happens when you use someone like a sex toy and they turn out to be a human being.


zbb55@yahoo.com 71.193.131.225 2007-06-09 00:09:11 2007-06-09 04:09:11  
Sorry :( 

hmjjyd@mail.com   2007-07-10 07:46:18 2007-07-10 12:46:18
Didn’t he say in The Story of Gridney he was “dropping it”? He has the nerve to say you went absolutely nuts? And now he posts your IP online? thats dropping it? Is he kidding? This YWL is certifiably nuts. He’s out for blood. Be careful

knwlha@hotmail.com 2007-07-10 14:22:30 2007-07-10 19:22:30
My GOD were you used girl! U S E D! And now you try to stop the harassment. you tell his wife (which probably ended his “fun”!) you help the cops and get them not to prosecute him And he does this? LOSER!

halel@yahoo.com 2007-07-10 17:18:38 2007-07-10 22:18:38
Are you going to post about this **** posting your IP on his blog to further his lies that you're some sort of stalker? When it was him who stalked YOU after he traumatized you, to every support group on the net you were on where you poured your pain out about what he'd done!
He’s peeved you've put this all out there isn’t he?
Are you going to tell about him and his buddies killing your Blog Carnival posting simply because he hates you for being truthful?
Or him & his buddies putting gay porn on your blog?
How about him deleting more of his hooker postings the minute you put the link up, as if it never happened?
Why doesn’t he go back to junior high were his behavior belongs?

You are really being an angel about it all and showing a lot of tolerance and compassion. Too bad he doesn’t deserve any of it. 

eovxue@mail.com 2007-07-09 13:59:28 2007-07-09 17:59:28
The word that comes to mind here: EXPLOITATION. You were EXPLOITED And now this YWL or whatever he’s calling himself has the nerve to be angry that you are telling the truth and putting it all out there. Unbelievable.

#ifmywoundswerevisible #Sociopath

REASONS TO GO PUBLIC

I am relieved every day that I went public with Dunetz's abuse, despite my feeling very humiliated at first. Not because I wanted revenge but as someone who believes strongly in God - I believe it is our duty to tell so the other person can get help, try to change (if possible) and help others around them. It is horrifying to realize that you were USED for free sex with lies and then told it's your own darn fault .

But even more horrifying to not speak up about it.

I do not believe in cover ups - which is why I went public with my own behavior in this and what I learned happened from what happened to me. I fully realize now I was mind controlled by someone who was pulling my strings. I learned how this was done, how my own oxytocin and serotonin was used to manipulate me and get me to cross my own boundaries; and then blame ME for it. I no longer accept that blame because it was never mine to start with.  

I have gotten so many private emails from victims about this blog. They said they saw their own Sociopathic or Narcissistic abuser in what I discussed here and then I was able to direct them on to get help, validation and heal from what happened. The other emails are from other bloggers or net users who have had run-ins with Dunetz's ongoing hypocrisy, need for attention, and explosive anger with anyone who doesn't agree with him or cover-up for him, and so on. It has been very validating but sad that he has made no attempt to get help for his pathology and continues to beat down anyone who holds the mirror up to him and his behaviors.  

More on rebuke, telling and the 'right thing to do': 
 ________________________  

I wonder where folks get the idea that Judeo-Christians have to be meek and mild, silently enduring mistreatment, tolerating anything anybody else does, and timidly standing by while abusers trample all over them and other innocent victims. Since when is it a sin to speak out against evil? This is what our abusers want us to believe, and they just love throwing it back in our faces anytime we protest their behavior. They provoke us to anger, they cause untold pain and suffering, and then when we finally speak up, they smugly inform us that we’re not acting like “good Christians or good Jews”. This is hogwash. Abusers would just love for us to back off and be quiet while they do anything they want and get away with murder. Satan will always try to use our righteousness against us, to get us to question our faith, and to separate us from God. This is just another one of his tricks. 

What kind of awesome, wonderful, All-Good God would our Father be if he actually wanted us to allow wickedness to operate unchecked in our families and our lives? This concept is preposterous, and contradicts the perfect goodness of the Lord. Our God is All-Good, and the devil is all-bad. They are diametrically opposed for all eternity. God instructs his saints to take a stand against evil and fight the good fight, not to keep silent and hide in the closet. It is God’s plan that good will triumph over evil. We are the Army of God. We must put on the full armor of God and stand against Satan and his army. That is our assignment, and our destiny as a child of God.

When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul....Ezekiel 33: 8-9 KJV

Answer a fool according to his folly, Lest he be wise in his own conceit....Proverbs 26:5 KJV

 

It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners (spouses, family members, new partners) will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don't Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of his ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of his, and all he really has to do, is JUST STOP IT. Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.

• I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE MAD AT ME
• DENIAL
• INAPPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE DISPLAYS OF ANGER- GRITTING TEETH, SCREAMING, SPEEDING UP THE CAR, NAME CALLING, HANGING UP THE PHONE, PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKING AWAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL ON THE LINE AND THEN PUTTING IT ON THE HOOK, BLOCKING YOU ONLINE, or SEVERAL MINUTES LATER, MIMICKING, IMITATING, OR MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU COMPLAIN OR CONFRONT HIM, ETC.
• ACCUSING YOU OF TRYING TO START AN ARGUMENT, YELLING AT HIM, SCREAMING OR SCREECHING AT HIM, OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO UPSET HIM.
• BECOMING VINDICTIVE OR VAGUELY THREATENING-"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU SAID", AS IF YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO CONFRONT HIM. CRYING OR LAYING ON A GUILT TRIP-"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME", "YOU DON'T LOVE ME", "HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER/FATHER/HUSBAND/WIFE/FRIEND?"
• 'I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF', 'THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM', 'IT'S SUBCONSCIOUS', 'YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN IT', 'I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF' AND VARIOUS OTHER MENTAL PROBLEMS
• YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME/ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT/ YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY
• REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.'
• HE'S OLD AND NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR
• BLAMING YOU
• BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE
• 'I DID IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD'
• 'WE WERE BOTH WRONG' OR 'WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER' WHEN IN REALITY THE VICTIM DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL.
• TRIANGULATION
• SARCASM
• 'I SAID I WAS SORRY' WITH NO CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR OR ACCOUNTABILITY TO YOU
• TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S BEEN GOING THROUGH OR WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS LIFE, AS IF THAT JUSTIFIES HIM ABUSING YOU
• TELLING YOU HE HAS REPENTED TO GOD FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOU, SO HIS CONSCIENCE IS NOW CLEAR
• TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY AMENDS TO YOU
• TELLING YOU GOD FORGAVE HIM AND HE DOESN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF TO YOU OR RELIVE THE PAST
• TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HIM WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT.
• TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HIM SO YOU HAVE TO, AS WELL.
• TELLING YOU NOT TO 'JUDGE' HIM WHEN YOU ARE CONFRONTING HIM.
• TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY
• 'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'
• 'YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE'
• 'YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY'
• REFUSING TO HEAR YOU OUT 'I'M LEAVING IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS'
• TURNING IT AROUND
• 'I DID THE BEST I COULD'
• 'YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM'
• TELLING YOU 'OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM'
• TELLING YOU YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HIM; EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES HIM!
• 'YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING'
• 'NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH'
• DISOWNING YOU, 'I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!' "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND""I'M LEAVING YOU"
• 'YOU DESERVED IT!', 'YOU PLAYED MY GAME' OR 'YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT'
• ESCALATING THE ABUSE NOW THAT HE KNOWS IT'S GETTING TO YOU
• 'LET'S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US' , 'DON'T TELL ________'
• PRETENDING TO LOSE THEIR PATIENCE WITH YOUR COMPLAINTS-'JUST FORGET IT!' 'GET OVER IT!'
• MINIMIZING THE OFFENSE, TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL

from: http://www.luke173ministries.org

YIDWITHLID'S 'TOOLS'

The narcissist (or sociopath) uses five main tools. These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence and in exactly this order.  

1. Gifts: Gifts can be used in two ways. They can either be a symbol of submission or a symbol of demand. Free people generally do not give gifts because they have what they want and do not want to submit nor demand. The communication between the victim and the narcissist is based upon gifts. The narcissist gives gifts in order to make the victim depended. The victim in return accepts these gifts and returns far greater gifts in order to accept this submission. The altruist on the other hand simply helps but does not give gifts either. Sometimes these "gifts" can be flattery, good words, support and yes ... "love." (faked of course)

2. Affection: The narcissist very early on claims soulmate-ship, special connection, ultimate love. Or he makes the victim believe these things without outright declaration. Everything seems incredible and unbelievable - a dream come true. Free people might show each other affection but generally feel comfortable with themselves. They might enjoy the company of someone but will stay focused on their own interests. The victim seems needy due to some childhood, current or past trauma(s). The narcissist is not needy in terms of affection but need for admiration within the group of chosen victims (his partner/spouse, family members, "friends", co-workers, VICTIMS) where the narcissist keeps his or her spider-web. However, the narcissist gives this affection in order to draw the victim into this spider web. This is a difficult time for the narcissist because the narcissist cannot be truly intimate with anyone. Ever. Hence, intimacy is replaced by sex.  

3. Withdrawal: Once the victim's dependency is re-directed onto the narcissist, the narcissist begins to withdraw. Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing. The victim experiences this as a great loss and the narcissist finds him or herself on a high. The narcissist thinks something like: "I on't have to give gifts, I don't have to show affection, and yet I am being admired."

4. Threats: The victim who remains needy is in shock that no affection is shown to him or her by the narcissist and starts to withdraw him- or herself. Now the narcissist starts to panic because the admiration seems to be diminishing and (s)he starts to threaten the victim. These threats are of the kind: "You are a liar. You said you loved me but now you obviously don't" or "if you loved me you'd believe me" or "you don't understand how bad I feel that you have withdrawn" or "if you loved me you would (something far outside the victim's comfort zone; usually sexually) Now, the narcissist resorts back to the first tools including gifts and sex and threatens that they will be withheld. Strangely enough, this has already happened but the narcissist will try to convince the victim that all is as it always used to be. In this sense these threats are imaginary only.  

5. Violence: At one point the narcissist will fail to convince the victim any longer by means of persuasion, brainwashing and changed perception. Now the narcissist will resort to violence. This is the stage when abuse in the common sense takes place. This includes blocking out the victim, seducing the victim's friends, lying about the victim, rude or sarcastic comments to the victim, demanding abusive (things the victim would not normally do) sexual favors from the victim, bad mouthing, threatening them or their families or friends, hacking their email, hacking any websites, stalking them online, posting slander about them online and using the police with selective information provided by the narcissist.  

by Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl 

COMMENTS

 http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com 

This is what makes me so angry. The psychopath gives you what you want ie: "Honeymoon period" for a short while then treats you like dirt once he is done "hoovering information" from you . Then the abuse rapidly climbs.

THE 'HIDDEN LIFE': WHERE PATHOLOGY FESTERS & GROW

The excerpts from this perfectly describe Yid with Lid... and maybe your Narcissist or Sociopath. It's the part of them that only we, their victims, know. Their coworkers, friends and probably even family are kept from seeing this dark, hidden side of them. Once they are done using us, we are smeared to embarrass us into silence and make sure that their family & friends never believe us. We are called scorned, bunny boilers, stalkers and all sorts of terms frequently used in the media... as if victims have no right to be angry at being emotionally & psychologically raped. You're not alone and most of all - YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
 

Are you Involved with a Sociopath? 
by CRYSTAL EVANS  

Here are signs that you are probably dating a sociopath: 

1. You discover that he is a liar. You find out that who he says he is does not correlate with the norm. When ones lie they often have to make another lie to continue lying. I met a man on line who claimed he was a high school teacher. We were speaking via messenger and I realized that he could not spell simple words such as humor (he spelt it 'humer'). I decided to point that out to him and he launched into a rampage. I probed deeper and he refused to tell me which high school he taught and which subject he taught. I told him blatantly that if he was a                            teacher then I understood why the Jamaican education system was poor. The Internet is the best place for omitting important information, making false claims and deception.

(which when you read this whole site, you will see Dunetzdid this to me liberally. First, in profiling me to become my 'perfect man' and coerce me into an inappropriate relationship.

Second, just for the hell of it - whether resentment, jealousy, anger that my estranged Husband caught us or just because it was fun - lying and twisting the truth are like breathing to him. It usually is for all pathologicals. ... I have come to believe that being pathological, he really does not know what the truth is at any one time... as Dr. Hare says 'these people will adjust the truth to fit their lie.' Yes, even to themselves!)

2. He becomes angry if you question what he has told you. This is a sure sign of narcissism or antisocial personality disorder. It may be an indication of a control freak. It is best to cease communication with this person. His angry outburst may be a way of disarming you, trying to intimidate you into stop questioning his motives. You need to run! He definitely has something to hide.

Yes, Dunetz became angry when I questioned or probed what he told me. He would then lay on the NLP and mind control stuff so that my cognitive dissonance was so deep I couldn't think straight about anything - especially him.

He preyed on my disbelief that anyone I'd know for so long would treat me like this. Later he'd lamely apologize and blame it on something else - not feeling well, his wife, job stress... whatever was handy. He'd also block me for a few days or a week to train me not to question him (Silent Treatment). During that time he was cybering with pros, working on other victims, writing the reviews of all the high-end hookers he'd shelled out $1000s of dollars on - I'd be left wondering what I did wrong and learning never to question him.

3. He is super sweet. If a man shows signs of affection too early it may mean that he is faking it. If a man claims that he loves you and that you are the one for him, he may be pretending to get you to give him money or have a sexual encounter with him. He makes sweet innuendos and endearing statements that amuses and shocks you. You question how can you be feeling like this when you don’t even know how I look or if I am who I say I am? If your on line mate is doing this, it means that you have a red flag.

Dunetz got away with this one only because I'd known him from before. He told me repeatedly how I'd been one that 'got away' and how much he'd cared for me... blah blah blah.

It wasn't until after, in therapy, I started to remember some of the cruel and inhumane things he'd actually done and said to me in college. At the time he pounced on me online in 2002, I was struggling to deal with my severe disability, a horribly abusive marriage and 2 children I adored. The juggling act was killing me and YWL took full advantage of my weaknesses at the time.

Let me also say I have verified chats that show I was brutally honest about the weight I'd gained from my illnesses, medications and surgeries. I can prove in black & white that I sent him pictures of what I looked like now and he brushed them all away telling me he cared for me and 'didn't care' what I looked like now; that he wasn't that shallow. Of course, he later showed how pathologically shallow he truly is in attempting to bully me into silence with statements like this.

4. He becomes abusive if you refuse to meet him at this date or on line at this hour. I met a guy on line once who became very angry if he was talking to me and I did not respond. He would be asking which other men I was talking to on line. He asserted that I should cease talking to them and give him his attention and time now. I laughed. I knew I was dealing with a sociopath. Sociopaths tend to test you by making a slip offense and then gauge your reaction, if you overlook it. It is more than likely that he will do it again. This particular sociopath will resort to name calling, telling you it is because you are ugly why you do not want to meet him and concluding that you are less of a person who does not deserve his time.

Sociopaths classically push your boundaries. Dunetz pushed first with language... then cybersex... then showing me depraved porn... then his masturbating on webcam... He was methodical and slow and couched everything with stuff like: "delete if you can't deal with it" or "here's a present for you" or "YOU are making me so horny that I HAVE to watch this stuff." Incorporating blame-shifting along with slowly using your emotions to push the boundaries of what you'd normally find o.k. Before you know it, you're over the abyss with this person and your left with a bad case of hyperarousal and marinating in oxytocin and dopamine while they feel NOTHING but control & dominance over you!

5. He is stalking you on line. Do you know an on line mate that views your profile every day? Does he send messages to your friend’s list? Does he send you emails via alternatives when you have blocked him on messenger?

After being caught, Dunetz went on the attack by posting my real name, address, phone and names of my children to bully and intimidate me online... extorting men to call me or my estranged husband's old phone number for phone sex or to stop by for a 'quickie.' He used a photo I had on my StumbleUpon page or whatever he could find. This included looking up a possibly schizoid ex-'friend' who was harassing myself and four other women online; and using her to try to hammer me into silence. I had to involve the FBI to get that stopped.

He also got a hold of my whole AOL Buddy list, sending lewd messages to a couple of my female friends - both of whom reported him to law enforcement. I had hard evidence he stalked my blogs, had a net-friend try to hack one of my blogs and even stole a template (I was shown by a friend more experienced than I in source codes that YWL did do this and HOW he did it) of mine back in 2004. Of course he swears innocence - but with a pathological: watch the DEEDS; never the words!

I will also never be silent about being abused by him. Ever. I speak out within reason for the sake of his children. But I will not lie.

6. He insults people in your life that he does not know especially if he thinks that they are better than him or you value their opinion over his. He calls your friend using derogatory terms and disrespects members of your family.

A few months after YWL and I first started talking, my sister in law (who is on the other side of the political fence from him) was visiting. She got online with him just to ask YWL some genuine questions about his opinion on Israeli politics. Rather than a calm answer - YWL sent her extremely rude and insulting answers; questioning her intelligence! My sister in law was very put-off. She has never forgotten and never will. I was sent information showing me how incredibly rude he is towards anyone who isn't worshiping at his feet a number of times. Pathologicals are not prone to civil discussion.

7. He is very possessive and controlling and you have not met offline as yet. This is a sure sign that you do not want to have further relations with this person. Why would someone act possessive of you without knowing who you are? Why would a man behave as if you are in a relationship with him and you have not met?

Possessive? No. Dunetz couldn't have cared less - but Controlling? ABSOLUTELY!

8. He asks you for money. Asking for money does not necessarily mean he is a sociopath because he may genuinely be in need of cash. But if solicitation becomes frequent, especially without verbalized intentions of meeting in person, then you have a scam on your hands that you need get rid of him before he bilks your bank account. 9. He drops off the face of the earth. Have you ever met a man on line that drops off the face of the earth when you have sex with him? When or if he resurfaces it is normally to reconnect sexually or take more money then disappears again? You need to get rid of this on line friend because he is apparently using you. He is exploiting you as a soon as a new supply is available he discards you.

I now realize YWL 'dropped off the face of the earth' the first time we had sex. I'd bled all over him; I found out later it was from internal BRUISING (he is NOT well endowed0 and he didn't call, stop by my dorm, enquire how I was... he just disappeared. He still to this day tries to tell people he deflowered me (he didn't). He made an assumption that benefited his image (including telling me I deflowered him! LOL!).

Even so, he didn't care... at all... that he'd physically injured me. And when my estranged-husband found out by hacking my computer, about our online emotional affair - Dunetz's response? Again - drop off the face of the earth.

He also distanced himself when I was then being beaten up, abused in front of my children - all because of HIM. I kept my estranged-husband from going to his wife. Because I have empathy and some class. For 18 months Dunetz found every reason in the world not to simply have lunch with me. He had me so brainwashed I didn't see it until it was too late. And the one time he did - he was disgusting & rude.

Also, the only reason he contacted me in March 2004 when everything he was up to came out? Was to play on my emotions in an attempt to silence me. He, to this day, has still NEVER attempted to apologize to my face. Dropped off the face of the earth... created a new identity (which he says he HAD to do to get away from me stalking him! LOL Again, trying to gain sympathy for himself.)

10. If your man exhibits half of the characteristics above then you should not take the relationship offline. In fact, you should end it online today.  

http://webupon.com/web-talk/are-you-dating-a-cyberpath-online/
 

His entertainment drive, also referred to as "sensation seeking, excitement seeking or novelty seeking," contributes to his enjoyment of being on the go, exploring new things/people/opportunities and searching for different experiences which often leads to infidelity.  

Many women wonder why psychopaths are never monogamous. The psychopath‘s entertainment drive is so high that he is always looking for something or someone new and exciting. 

This is also why many psychopaths are also very sexually deviant—always looking for the riskier sexual experience. This 'excitement seeking‘ drive in him serves as a 'hook-up‘ for women. 

Couple all of that with: a typically very strong sex drive sexual satisfaction stemming from power and control as much as the physical sex act ...and you have a combination for sexual acting out not likely to be quenched. + High Risk Taking Behavior + High sex drive + High entertainment drive = Infidelity in a psychopath 

 Psychopaths are known for their social dominance, status and power drives referred to as the 'antisocial pursuit of power.' This 'pursuit of power' is a driving force behind making some psychopaths prominent leaders. This is also why we often see psychopaths in prestigious careers such as law, medicine and business.  

Furthermore, it produces in them the edge of competitiveness, driving the successful ones to the top of their fields.

Dr. Leedom

YOU ARE MERELY HIS "PREY"

by Ava St Clair  

The narcissist looks for those who are kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, all characteristics that the narcissist does not possess. It is as if by capturing his prey, the narcissist will somehow be able to drain the victim of her good qualities and make them become his own. Narcissists do not possess these positive characteristics. Lack of empathy, love and compassion allows the narcissist to conduct his life in an all consuming pattern of controlling behaviour steeped in abuse, lies, and manipulations.

The narcissist is a human enigma to those of us that have encountered him in a personal relationship; a "murderer of souls" full of contradictions.

Initially, the narcissist will take note of the new target's behaviour. He will carefully study the target's interactions with others, her body language, tone of voice, and general demeanour. As an expert hunter, he will methodically craft his plan of attack and begin to track his target. The narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements. He will model himself and his behaviour to what he thinks will please his target. He will assume the behaviour of the target's "perfect man". The narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner and mate.

You Want Crazy? I Got Your Crazy..

Once he has caught the eye of his target, he will move in. The narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that she is special and of course he is too. He will say they were meant for each other because they are different. The narcissist will constantly flatter his target and be very attentive, calling her many times a day, just to say "he" was thinking of her. He will quickly become an important person in the target's life and she will find herself swept off her feet by this "wonderful, perfect man".  

Once the narcissist has become totally ensconced in the target's life and her in his, the role will change for her from target to victim. The narcissist's dance of destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. He will begin to mentally disassemble the victim's beliefs about herself and the relationship. What she once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, gut wrenching and unstable. She is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviour of her narcissistic partner.  

The narcissist will make plans with his victim and cancel at the last minute. He will talk only of himself, his needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, he will instantaneously strike, like a venomous serpent, and harshly remind the victim that his needs are more important. The victim learns all too quickly to speak only of him. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of himself. He will conveniently forget to pay back money he has borrowed from the victim. The narcissist will even go as far as to say that the victim is "too happy" and her happiness is something that he just cannot bear. He will say and do terrible things under the guise that he is not like other people, that he is much more sensitive than most and that he feels so deeply about things in general that it is "difficult" for him to relate to regular people who are not "special" like him. The victim becomes less and less of what she used to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration and destruction by the narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. 

Although the dismantling of the victim was skilfully orchestrated by the narcissist, he will unmercifully criticize the victim for "not being the person" he fell in love with. He will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the narcissist and left by the roadside.

Example Six: Is a Control Freak, Trampling Privacy/ Boundaries

Readers, I am going to temporarily skip Kathy Krajco's Example #5 (Exhibits Unnatural & Perplexing Behavior -- Backwards Reactions to Things) simply because there is SOOOOOOOOO much to say there that I have to take my time... and it will probably be a long post.
 

One of the questions the victims I speak with always ask or bring up is 'is being a control freak part of this disorder?'

From what I have learned and been taught - Cluster B Pathology (which includes Narcissism & Sociopathy) - always includes the need for Absolute Power & Control in the relationship - whatever that is. And this power and control is done in a number of different ways - coercion, misrepresentation, trance/ suggestibility/ mind control, lying, guilt-tripping and blame-shifting to name a few.

All these types live in a world of delusion. They exploit anyone and everyone to keep their delusions alive and valid (for them). If you question them or break the delusions in any way - you become the enemy to be destroyed. Trying to 'reason with them' or 'make them see reality' is a fool's errand. Don't bother.  

For example: When YWL demanded I take all the postings around the net about him down, I politely tried. I realized later that (as I will cover in #5) he had a backward reaction. Didn't thank me - just raged even more. I even tried to tell him what happened but he didn't want to hear it. Still doesn't. Still an upside-down reaction. Because then he'd have to deal with reality - rather than his convenient delusion of blaming me for things I didn't do and have no control over. It validates YWL's rage at me for discovering who & what he REALLY IS... in black & white... in ways even his nearest and dearest hadn't.

Sociopaths and other pathologicals never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as completely permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile, controlling and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used or an object. Many like to dominate and humiliate their victims.

Very late in the 'relationship' YWL admitted to me he saw me ONLY as an object to be used for cybersex when he felt like it. He got bored early on after my ex-husband found out and confronted him. Just clicked back over to his cyberwhores & escorts and left me hanging - to be beaten and abused by my estranged-husband. YWL did this without a second thought or any remorse. 

Because to him, I was an OBJECT. And when it turned out I was a real person with real feelings - this was not part of his delusion - so he set about to destroy me. He probably will not stop until he does. As someone once said "sociopaths run from truth like vampires from a Xenon flashlight!" 

  YWL controlled WHEN cybersex happened; he cajoled me into it one way or another; when HE felt like it. He controlled things so that I would never meet his family - as I continually requested. He's currently created a picture of me to his wife such that she believes I am evil incarnate and 'obsessed' with him, as well as 'stalking him.' This controls the "flow of information."  

YWL knew that I was empathetic and liked men who loved & took care of their families; were involved with their children; were honest & real. So he discussed HIS family, HIS problems and so on with me freely. This was all to support the picture he purposefully brainwashed me into believing of him as a caring father and hard worker. He knew this would keep me reeled in. No one in their 'right mind' would do what I did - but as many therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists have told me - to my face - I wasn't in my 'right mind'. I was brainwashed. 

YWL showed only cursory interest in my issues, family, etc. His feigned interest only lasted a few months until my ex-husband confronted him. He also started to devalue me as soon as I showed him pictures of what I looked like. Despite MANY MANY MANY times me calling him on it - he convinced me he didn't care that I'd put on weight and was disabled, etc. No, he is too much of an Objectifier. 

And he proved this in his smear & distortion campaign against me. This feigned interest also kept the NLP coercion going because he knew I would not be 'sexual' with him without emotion. So the false concerns he portrayed left me believing he gave a damn and had emotions. He did not. And I now know as a sociopath - he could not and never will. 

   

As things moved along he proclaimed he was more "needy" and his language with me and desires became more disgusting, objectified and blatantly perverse. There was no intimacy, affection or respect in what he wanted - none whatsoever. YWL also blocks or bans people from his website, his Facebook, his Twitter that don't agree with him; that want to have a debate or conversation with him. I have heard from a number of them. It's his way or the highway - UNLESS HE NEEDS YOU FOR SOMETHING. Any 2-way conversations are again, feigned. 

As a true salesman - showing interest in the needs of others; even false - gives the other person (or victim) the impression there is a "relationship." As the line from Glengarry Glenross goes "ABC = Always Be Closing;" and YWL is always closing... for his own needs, his own desire for attention & control & power and nothing else.  

It took me over a year to figure out how YWL was IM'ing all the women on my AOL buddy list. What I realized was I'd somehow given him access. It was almost like he used me as a pimp - anything female was a target. He now included in his pick-up arsenal "just ask Barbara - I'm a decent guy." Since then I have developed a lot of expertise in dealing with the internet. And I have pretty much stopped IMing all together.  

Just another of the too-many-to-count examples of something YWL did that was WAY over-the-line controlling: In his one of his ongoing attempts to smear me & silence me he started googling my nicknames shortly after the blowup. Digging for dirt; like the dirt Computer Crimes found on him (and what he could not find, he made up!)

Here's one thing he found: I have had PCOS since I was 9. One of the symptoms is profuse vaginal fluid. It doesn't smell at all but if you wear colored panties, the pH of it will literally 'bleach' the crotch white. I always have a mini pack of babywipes and baby powder with me to combat it. And anyone who knows me knows I am very particular about my personal cleanliness. This symptom was worse when I was younger but its still an issue.

So YWLstalked my posting about this in a thread on the PCOS forum at Ob/Gyn Net and posted in various places on the net that I was 'a filthy smelly c*nt' or 'has personal hygiene issues' blah blah. (guess who REALLY has hygiene issues?)

One of the women with PCOS from Ob/Gyn net which is where it was posted - found it - told me and I had it removed. One of the DOCTORS who spends time running the PCOS section contacted me. I was horrified. Thousands of women on a site for a very serious hormone disorder were horrified. The DOCTORS' panel on that site reported it to the FBI as well. Talk about no boundaries...

All this to keep me from telling the truth. To scare me into silence. I am sure many of yours, readers, have gone to disgusting lengths to silence you too.

Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:

1. They think they know best about everything. They know what’s best for you; just ask them. They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say. They point out all your mistakes and failings. They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can. They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses. Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.

2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along. Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago. You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.

3. They think they don’t have anything to learn. They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well. They’re nit-picking, micro-managers. They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best. They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly. They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.

4. They’re more important than you are. Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world. Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter. Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions. Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want. They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands. Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).

5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.

6. Their excuses, excuse. Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred. Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do. They’re saints in their own minds. You’d better agree or else.

7. Their rules, rule. They know how the world should be and how people should act. They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem. They are virtuous and righteous. They simply talk so loud, stridently and long that you give in. In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time. Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up. They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.

 

The last evidence of YWL's being a control freak with no boundaries is his new identity - Sammy Benoit; created very shortly after the police found out about everything. And his novella of "the truth about what really happened." All simply more attempts to rewrite history and control reality. As well of the reality of everyone who actually read or listened to what he had to say and didn't see how transparent and inherently abusive & contradictory it was.

I love getting your emails or comments below on how this was done to you. I hope this continues to validate and illuminate things for you. Will continue with #7 (Is Extremely Self-Absorbed) soon!