FULL DISCLOSURE

I want to be crystal clear about why I did this blog:  

BECAUSE I GOT SICK OF BEING LIED ABOUT.

My friends kept telling me to stop ignoring it - so I did. Now that I have done it, its out. (And NO I will NOT publish YWL's hooker reviews. Throwing up in the ladies room at 1 Police Plaza was enough for me with those.)

I got tired of his projection -  calling me a harasser, a stalker and a liar. Not because it hurts but because when it's PROVEN he lied? He just gets louder and more caustic and more hurtful to others.

I have nothing to hide except my naive and trusting nature. There have been some things said about me. I could say YWL's post is more full of slander and b.s. than Fox News... but I won't.

• Things said about my credibility and what appeared to be my actions:
• - If, as asserted, YWL and his wife did hire computer consultants? They need a refund.
• - I never got a police warrant, a cease & desist or anything from any lawyer, ISP or anyone, anywhere at anytime. If you think I did, please show me the document I would have HAD to have signed for legal delivery. Please. I'd like to see it.
• I did hear from Suffolk County Police - when I was BETWEEN hospital stays. I told them everything. (re: Det. D'Agnostino and Sgt. Best, Huntington Station Police Department, NY)

Also, I should mention that his "detective friend" who was investigating me for "harassment" was very very shocked to find out I am disabled. The detective even called my doctor to confirm (he asked me for her number).  

Det. D'agnostino called me back and wanted to know if YWL knew I was disabled. I told him ABSOLUTELY he was very aware, my ex-husband had chats where we talked about it and sent them to him along with the IP confirmations. He called me and was quite surprised. I distinctly remember him telling me he had no idea because I had been presented as one step away from being a violent stalker. 

He also had no idea I was estranged, a parent with two young children either. I repeatedly invited the Detective to come and I would take him to lunch or breakfast because I was too ill to drive to Suffolk County (which my doctor confirmed). He turned me down.  

I also sent them the confirmation obtained from Classmates.com that YWL paid for a membership to get some emails - mine included - and he contacted ME. I was not "stalking him for years" as he's been telling his friends. 

I had no idea where he'd been after we lost touch in 1976 nor did I care until HE contacted me.    

His Sargeant (Sgt. Best) later called to say it was dropped because they couldn't find any corroboration that I was harassing or stalking YWL and his wife. (seen below)

    

But I was followed to a support group by YWL and he checked my blog for weeks... by YWL. (see post on this blog "Stalker or Just Checkin' "). 

WHY did YWL do that? AFRAID OF WHAT OR WHO I WOULD TELL???? - I really have no idea why someone who found me so "pathetic" and "a nutjob" spent his time following me around to SUPPORT GROUPS? Then called ME a 'stalker who has been after him for years'....

ROFL! Wait! I get it. BEING ON a support group for victims just PROVES I am a "nutjob" right? And going to the hospital for vomiting so bad I burned a hole in my esophagus or for PTSD just PROVES I am "crazy", RIGHT?? 

Accusations have been made. I was journaling here just for myself but many people told me to make it public. I would only do so without causing any further harm to the man (whom I will only refer to as YWL herein) and his family, any of the women I counsel, or innocent parties. I am going to make it very clear, including hard proofs, where I stand and why. 

Accuse me and malign me. Its ok. God knows the truth - I have no reason to turn myself inside out to prove myself to anyone. I have zero to hide Some friends suggested that YWL is still seeing Elizabeth and has gone back to a new brothel. That may or may not be true. I don't know. Its not my business to know.

And let me make this clear: Revenge is wrong, harassment is sick and wrong. Talk to God and if you need psychological help - get it. ________________________________________________________________  

Below is just one of the many emails I sent to "exposure" sites where YWL was posted - with his real name and sometimes his personal information! I have redacted same. 

From: Ms Barbara C [mailto:barbarany_9@xxxxx.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 06, 2007 1:21 PM
Subject: Mr. JXXX Dxxxxz, gridney, yidwithlid - posted on your site

To Whom It May Concern:
I must respectfully request that your remove the above mention person from your site or database immediately. I did not make this post but someone. My reasons are detailed below:

I am now a domestic violence advocate. About 5 years ago I got coerced into a very cruel & inappropriate relationship by an old friend from college. It was a very stupid decision in a very dark period of my life. There was another woman involved and I have not heard from her since a short time after the incident.

The trauma from the ending of this wrongful relationship put me inthe hospital, in counseling, in touch with other survivors. Should you need to contact Mr. DXXXtz to verify this or forward this email to him for comment, his blog says his new address is yidwithlid@XXXX.com.

He may construe this as some further harassment on my part.

If you would like to speak to me, I can provide you with my number and full name and location. Thank you for your help in advance.

Barbara
_________________

From: <admin@cheatersexpose.com>
>To: "'Ms Barbara C'" <barbarany_9@.com>
>Subject: RE: Mr. Jxxx DXXXtz, gridney, yidwithlid - posted on your site
>Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2007 14:05:28 -0600
>MIME-Version: 1.0 >Received: from nat.nationwidehosting.org ([74.52.90.194]) by bay0-mc5-f21.bay0.hotmail.com with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.2668); Tue, 6 Mar 2007 12:05:42 -0800

>Received: from adsl-68-93-121-242.dsl.rcsntx.swbell.net ([68.93.121.242] helo=desktop)by nat.nationwidehosting.org with esmtpa (Exim 4.63)(envelope-from <admin@cheatersexpose.com>)id 1HOfun-0001Kw-Llfor barbarany_9@xxx.com; Tue, 06 Mar 2007 14:05:19 -0600 >X-Message-Info: LsUYwwHHNt3660MmjhEvYg2f34OAemlK3oXsmRrh6gU= >X-Mailer: Microsoft Office Outlook 11 >Thread-Index: AcdgJQ/jZNR9DafURhywR2/mEpWBjQABRhhQ >X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.3028 >X-AntiAbuse: This header was added to track abuse, please include it with any abuse report >X-AntiAbuse: Primary Hostname - nat.nationwidehosting.org >X-AntiAbuse: Original Domain - hotmail.com >X-AntiAbuse: Originator/Caller UID/GID - [47 12] / [47 12] >X-AntiAbuse: Sender Address Domain - cheatersexpose.com >X-Source: >X-Source-Args: >X-Source-Dir: >Return-Path: admin@cheatersexpose.com >X-OriginalArrivalTime: 06 Mar 2007 20:05:43.0129 (UTC) FILETIME=[D1FD7490:01C7602A] >

>Barbara,

> >The post was not made by you, and the poster never alleged to be you. The IP was different as was the full ISP number.

>The posting has been removed since we received your >request and proof that this was confidential material possessed by you and NYPD.
>I hope you are getting your life together.
>Administrator, >Cheaters Expose >
_____

> To: admin@cheatersexpose.com

You are absolutely right.
I hope this serves as a cautionary tale that cheating hurts everyone.

I am not interested in dating at all. I have devoted my life to my children, helping others who have been cheated on & abuse victims and cleaving to God. Thank you for removing it. I will have to do more investigating to do to see how far this has gone.

Barbara

___________________________

I will write more about what happened - in the interest of FULL DISCLOSURE. This will include pertinent emails and so on - along with full headers from the emails to vouch for their voracity.

I will make this public if I decide to. I am sorry and thank you all for listening and reading. 

My father, of blessed memory - once told me his biggest problem was he was a bad liar. "No one likes a truth teller, Barbara."

So far he's been right.

I pray that somehow someone learns and the record set straight. I have always told the truth because I do believe the truth DOES set you free.

Barbara


#ifmywoundswerevisible

THE UGLY BYSTANDER

   

by Kathy Krajco
 

I think the misplaced sympathy out there for narcissists comes from people wishing to push unpleasant stuff out of their minds so that they have but selective awareness of an event like narcissistic abuse.

When we say that narcissists lack empathy, we mean exactly that. In plainer language, they are brutal, treating those they abuse subhumanly. Their callousness is something one must see to believe. Often the victim cannot get his or her mind around it and goes into a state of shocked disbelief of their own eyes and ears. When narcissists see that they are drawing blood, they get sadistic. This behavior makes no sense till you remember why narcissists do this. They are stomping you down to elevate themselves. In doing this, they are morally trampling you to have something to thump their chests about and give a Tarzan yell. They get HIGH on treating others like dirt. So, keep a tight grip on that fact: they don't do it because it's evil; they do it because it makes them feel good. They are sick in the head. They have unbearable pain/shame inside that keeps trying to surface to consciousness on them. This pretending to be grand by stomping you is just their way of killing that pain by keeping it repressed. Abuse is an addiction with narcissists. 

The more they degrade you, the bigger dose of this high they get. Which is why they are sadistic. So, here you have them abusing their victim in cold blood sadistically. Then, when the victim complains, they turn around with their little Wouldn't-Hurt-a-Fly mask on for the bystanders, whining about their need to "heal." Yes, THEIR need to heal. Some folks don't know a joke even when it slaps them in the face like that. Right out of the bystander's mind goes what's on the other side of that coin - what that angel-faced narcissist just did to that victim. 

In other words, they take this "Poor-Little-Me" act out of context. More important, the bystanders thus avoid having to know what they know about such phony face changes = that the narcissist is diabolical and laughing up his sleeve. All they let themselves see is whiny angel-face before them right now. Because it's warm and cuddly and doesn't rattle their cage or require them to do anything about anything. Or cross this guy they are suddenly afraid of. Ah, that whiny little angel-face he has, upon whom they misplace their wretched sympathy. Then they go off and correct the VICTIM for wrongdoing. Yes, that's right: some folks don't even know a joke when they tell it. The victim has sinned by feeling angry or wanting a divorce or wanting to retaliate so as to make the abuser stop it. THAT'S the only sin the ugly bystander sees. Nothing the narcissist did gets a peep out of him or her about it.

SOME EXCERPTED COMMENTS:

At 2:59 PM, Anonymous said...

I saw the same thing with my ex. She was very pushy, but if anyone ever pushed back, she became this huge victim. Same dynamic.Here is the thing I finally discovered: With this dynamic, you can never win and this technique keeps them from every growing and moving out of the narcissism. If every time they are challenged on some statement they make, they retreat into victimhood, it means that they are avoiding the substance of the argument. It is a truth avoidance mechanism. They aren't interested in any truth. They are only interested in being heard and and seen and if someone disagrees with them, then wilt into victimhood.As usual, it is always about image.   

At 3:45 PM, Anonymous said...

I've had some of these apologist bystanders in my life, and I have absolutely no use for them. In my opinion, they are the only ones in the room more cowardly than the narcissist.I have come to believe that when they take the narcissist's side because they are afraid of the him, at least half of them are trying to convince themselves that they are righteous, rather than afraid.They take the path of least resistance, and when they are giving you that "You overreacted" crap, they are trying to believe it themselves, so they can push down that voice inside them that says, "You're afraid of the bully, you're just a little coward."And they are little cowards, too, those bystanders. If it isn't your battle, fine, then stay out of it. Otherwise, shut the hell up. Don't try to calm me down or play peacemaker just to hide from your own discomfort.   

At 5:08 PM, Anonymous said...

Two-faced, relentless sadistic abuse and butter-wouldn't-melt con artistry sounds like the N I know. But you can't blame bystanders for not seeing when even the target of abuse is repeatedly taken in by the lies, denials and gaslighting.

At 5:50 PM, Kathy said...

"...you can't blame bystanders for not seeing..."Not seeing what? That he's insincere? I think you can blame them for that. And yes, the victim unsees too. Only because the victim doesn't WANT to see, not because it's hard to see as you imply.The victim has very strong temptation into denial. Much stronger than the byestander. Much better excuse.But even the victim will eventually face facts and tell you that he or she is angry with themselves for refusing to see what was staring them in the face. So where is the byestanders confession to that effect? And the bystander has no excuse for saying, "I'm going to the north pole" and turning to head off south. It's preposterous for their only criticism to be OF THE VICTIM. It's preposterous for their sympathy to be FOR THE VICTIMIZER. And I have too often said how absurd it is to regard feeling as a sin. There is no excuse for anti-logic. I understand the bystander's fear of the narcissist and fear of getting involved. That is legitimate. But then to turn around and find the only fault you find IN THE VICTIM - that deserves contempt. Virtually every victim gets this treatment from bystanders. Narcissists just play them like fiddles.   

At 12:21 AM, Anonymous said...

on the topic of bystanders trying to calm you down or be peacemakers...... When you've been targeted one too many times and actually speak up for yourself, suddenly the bystander is there trying to "make things better"Where were they before? That is the big question. Because they could have said something a multitude of times before, when all sorts of stuff was happening, but they didn't. They only say something when they can say it and feel like they know better, that they know more, that they are more mature, or have more insight into the world and human nature than you do. Some bystanders honestly want to make you feel better, because then they feel better; you know the type, the people pleasers. But I have found the majority of bystanders are in it for the moment of celebrity that they feel when they get to use there powerful problem solving and peacekeeping skills.What I hate about bystanders is that they actually try to make you quiet down, like its a crime to show any emotions good or bad. I would like a bystander to ackowlege the targeting, but if for some reason they are in denial about that, then really can't they just let you say your part. Why can't they be your witness and hear your story? Deal with the discomfort of knowing that there is "bad" people in this world. These are the same people that say "turn that frown upside down!" in a non ironic way.  

At 2:13 AM, Kathy said...

I think these comments about the bystanders nail it.Add it up: they do nothing to counter the abuse, only speaking up to stop the victim from feeling free to do anything to put a stop to it or even act like it is happening.Those actions speak louder than words. The bystanders take the evildoer's side. There is no denying that. That is contemptible, not matter how holy the halo they put on it.They are enablers of the abuser. Like accomplices who work the situation for him to allow him to keep getting away with it. They shut the victim up for him. They call the victim naughty for even just feeling his anger, thus helping crush the victim into abject submission to the abuse. The term "innocent bystander" is an oxymoron. Like Hitler, narcissists know they can count on a high percentage of people to do this for him if he just puts on his whiny victim mask so that they can PRETEND they are righteous, not traitors betraying you to abuse. After studies of the contemptible behavior of the bystanders during the Holocaust, an inscription was placed on a monument to it (in Israel I think) that says something to the effect: 'Never again be a victim; never be a perpetrator; and never, never, never be a bystander.' Amen. Bystanders suck. To make them stop blaming the victim for rape, society had to make it politically incorrect to do so. It's about time society did the same thing with all forms of abuse. Bystanders won't stop serving as a proxy for abusers till people get slammed for doing it.  

At 3:50 AM, Anonymous said...

Witness the shameful abandonment of the victims and opponents of Saddam Hussein and his tyrannous regime by the 'Stop the War' coalition in Britain.It is impossible to appease a bully, which is why so much of this conflict-resolution crap plays into the hands of psychopaths. They are simply not singing from the same hymn-sheet as everyone else.  

At 4:21 AM, Kathy said...  

Woah! Thank you for that balm on my jet lag. As you can see, I'm operating in your time zone!Seriosusly, I agree. It's the same thing on a massive scale. A way of looking the other way and masquerading this ugly and callous betrayal as the opposite - as, of all things, "humanitarian concern."No matter where you go in the world people do this. Narcissistic and psychopathic bullies who become dictators like Hitler, Stalin, and Hussein are cynics who exploit this mass behavior like every narcissistic bully does on a smaller scale. The Islamofascist movement is collectively behaving just like that.And how can we expect Muslims to stand up to it when they see the West afraid to? I think the only hope is to shame people for behaving this way, because reason and true morality bounces off the forehead of a hypocrite. I say to them: If you want to stay out of it, fine. Your choice. But when you turn on the victim and demonize those who do have the courage to step up and take action (for the offense of putting your cowardice to shame by their example), you are sinking to the gutter
 

At 11:39 PM, Kathy said...

Join the club. I doubt there is such a thing as a victim of a narcissist who doesn't beat themselves up over having put up with it for so long. At some point you have an epiphany and see what you've done = the horrible "asked for it." By doing that, we give the N a carte blanche to abuse us; we lay down to make a nice door mat; we make it OK to abuse us because there is no response to that abuse. No complaint. No demand to even just stop abusing us. How abject. And so on.

I'm sure I don't have to describe how low we feel when we realize what we've done - how it actually TEMPTS the abuser! It's like staking out a lamb in the backyard of a wolf.

Then we alternate between anger at ourselves for it and anger at those influences in our life that trained us to think it is evil not to be a spineless wimp who keeps turning the other cheek and bending over for it with a smile. But the pain subsides. Since we are not narcissists blame doesn't kill us. We can let it lay where it may. We accept our responsibility and ARE FAIR WITH OURSELVES. Because we were influenced and trained to make this mistake. The important thing is that we stop making it.Ironic, eh? We have to repent turning the other cheek. I don't know whether you're there yet or not, but you will get there. To the point of being at peace with yourself about it. (Largely because you don't do it anymore.) Also, notice what the bitterness has been about here. Not about bystanders keeping out of it and doing nothing - about the bystanders landing on the VICTIM. Trying to supress the victim's complaint and turn the victim into docile victim, a glutton for punishment who just keeps taking it as though it ain't happening. THAT'S what makes the victim furious with the bystanders, righteously furious. We see right though them, and it ain't a pretty sight. But that isn't what you're talking about. 

  

At 6:01 AM, Anonymous said...

thanks kathy. the second post i tried didn't get through and was pretty elegant last night- let's see if i can get close now. i said something about how innocent bystander IS an oxymoron. it makes me think. i hated being an 'innocent bystander' only i choked on the word innocent. i felt helpless- but mot innocent.shoot i really can't remember what else i said. something about how having the words to put with it all is helping. anyway thanks for your site. thanks for being here. jt  

At 6:05 AM, gh said...

Ah, thanks for this one, Kathy -- always a good reminder. When I divorced my N, certain friends and family seemed to go out of their way to continue nurturing a relationship with him -- and he with them, for what better way to perpetuate abuse than to try to lure away the people who should be there to support and encourage the victim?At first, I excused it, thinking as one commenter said above that I could hardly blame them for being taken in by his act when I myself was taken in for so long. They were just being good people for giving him the benefit of the doubt, right?Then it hit me -- to give *him* the benefit of the doubt, they had to deny that same benefit to me. The day one of my supposedly oldest and closest friends berated me for not taking my marriage vows seriously and not doing enough to try to make it work, a light switch flipped. *I* didn't do enough?? All my ex had to do to save the marriage was to stop abusing me. He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't do that. In pointing the finger of blame at me this supposed friend necessarily had to accept his song and dance that he was trying everything he could and had to reject (or, better, turn a blind eye) to my side of the story.There is a time, sure, that you can excuse the bystanders for not seeing. WE do our part, no doubt, to cover for the N while being abused. But when you speak out about the abuse and the bystanders choose to blindly accept the N's stories, this is the ultimate betrayal. All you can do then, I think, is run from these "innocent" bystanders as fast as you can. They'd rather see you continue to suffer than to have to give up their comfortable ignorance.

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous said...

Once again I am struck by the intelligence, sincerity and similarities between yourselves and all of the rest of us. I believe and have been shown this CELLULARLY, that narcissistic abuse only happens to the BEST of us, and hopefully we each can take our journey of healing and make something astonishingly beautiful of our lives.

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous said...

Hey Guys, Stop! There we go again blaming everyone but the cruel manipulator who's evil makes no sense and totally diarms all within reach of it. What my son said out of hurt and pain toward his brother who he loves but does not like is, "I can't do anything because he'll burn my sh__!' That's crude but it is the bottom line, we put up with it to survive and protect our property.

Narcissists manipulate, throw unreasonable and frightening tantrums, lie, and cheat (and usually this is how they treat those they claim to love) to get the things most of us would just ask for. 

They don't make any sense and they frighten us. It is easier to be angry at ourselve or those others who innocently stand by because it is safer than showing anger toward such a creature that makes no sense and we have no idea how they will react.

Let's focus on putting the blame where it is due.


At 11:05 PM, Anonymous said... Thank you for all the comments on bystanders. My psycho ex turned so many people against me who I remain disgusted with as they had the audacity to tell me to calm down and not be upset. This sick man tormented me on the Internet for months and got a large group of people to help him. Never trust anyone who tells you not to be angry. You have a right to your anger.

Source

THE DUBIOUS HONOR OF BEING VICTIM OF THE MONTH

Around October 2004 I was contacted by other women who'd also been involved in destructive online relationships. My email had been shared with them. They felt that there was no site out there to help people identify those who prey on adults as well as a site to show them - with clear examples of WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE THE TARGET OF A PSYCHOPATH! They had started this site. There are now 4 women that I know of, around North America and Europe who work on the site. The site is run by great people. Yes, all smart women who made a similar mistake and wanted to make sure no one else did. (I do not know who they are and I am not and never have been one of them)  I hope people are learning from that site.

I even went to a rabbi who was working with me, my trauma counselors and my therapist and all of them saw the healing power in telling my story. I gathered up everything the police had given me, the stuff my ex's attorney had presented me with (as you will read ex had my computer keylogged for quite some time prior to YWL getting in touch with me... ). 

I had to provide the site with police verifications, the computer forensic verifications and so on. It's illegal to make claims online or off without verifiable proof. They wanted to do my story. They weren't going to lie or cover for me if I was making stuff up. I told them they could NOT publish my name or location or YWL's real name or location or anyone else's for the safety of our innocent children and YWL's spouse.  

They had strict legal guidelines for what they post. So yes, they checked everything I sent them via their contacts in law enforcement.
 

Here are all the posts which were published on the site around March 2005. So its been out there for a couple years at least. Click on any of the links provided and hopefully it will take you right to the post. Read in date order... feel free to ask me questions. I'm past being embarrassed simply because I was the target of a predator. http://cyberpathlinks.blogspot.com/2007/06/j-aka-gridney-aka-yidwithlid-aka-sammy.html  

I will clarify again that I could not lie and everything in these posts had to be verified independently. By the time it was posted on that site - NYPD, 2 attorneys handling my divorce & custody of my children, my therapist, a marriage counselor, NYPD Computer Crimes (Dets. Smith & Herrera), an NYPD Victim's Advocate, the Manhattan District Attorney's Office and 3 other women had read them. Even the posts that I made them withhold. Everything. I was pretty much naked in terms of my involvement with this mess. I was too numb and traumatized.  

ARTICLE 1  
ARTICLE 2  
ARTICLE 3  
ARTICLE 4
ARTICLE 5 
 ARTICLE 6  

The Spring and Summer of 2005 NYPD and the Manhattan DA's office called me a number of times. This is what they were prosecuting and some of it had to do with what NYPD turned up on YWL: They used what I gave them and what they turned up to unlock a major case.  

Imagine how SHOCKED I was when I saw that in the paper. I called NYPD and they told me they were going to pass, as per my request, on prosecuting YWL but they had turned up even more because of what I gave them and some of it was key evidence in other large probes. They were not going to share the information with any other law enforcement because of the nature of the investigations (they were afraid of tipping off any of the other 'sex for money' businesses they were looking into I guess). The brothel here was the big fish - so they gave YWL a pass. I was relieved to know that his family would be o.k.  

I have gotten a lot of emails saying while I was involved with a wrongful online relationship, YWL was a john and may still be. I did what I had to do. I went to the police for a temporary order of protection after YWL threatened me. It snowballed from there. What I learned made me physically ill and I spent quite a bit of time in & out of the hospital.  

YWL coerced me into something really ugly. But no, I had no idea how ugly because my past experience with YWL led me to believe he was harmless. He certainly is very smart and savvy and I give him a lot of credit for his successes in life. Yes, I did request that the DA and NYPD NOT prosecute YWL for soliciting and trafficking on his lunch hours. Call me stupid but that wasn't my call. His family didn't deserve what he did. 

And if you think I am an idiot for making that request - then ok - I AM AN IDIOT. Computer Crimes was nice enough to help me out with Ms. Gluck's nonsense because they know I am credible and not some hysterical maniac. I personally have a blemishless record. I only have a couple parking tickets on my record. I was a paralegal for years and was licensed with the State. My fingerprints and information are on file. I couldn't lie even if I wanted to.  

Yes, YWL called what I sent his wife "prose" and continues to say I am lying and fabricating. Goodness knows what else he's told people about me. He's a consummate salesman so I would guess it's pretty nasty, whatever it is. What else could he say without exposing his true nature? He resented me in 1975 and he hates me now. I was never anything more than an awkward, protracted one-night stand. That's just a fact. I believe it and know it to be truth. YWL has proved it by his actions.  

The cops patrolled my home for many years to make sure I am ok. Because of my domestic violence work I have some very angry exes of women I know looking for me - so the precinct sends a car by every once in a while.
 

The story is out there - its been out there for years now. I know so many of you are telling me I was misled and so on. Yes I was. 

There comes a time when you have to grow up and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. But I will not take responsibility for things I did not do. 

  BTW, let me make this clear once and for all. Sexual stuff is extremely triggering for me. Don't tell me "never say never" - I am not interested. I can't look at porn at all... so WHY whoever put that porn site up did it -- I don't know!! Ugh!! YWL's hooker reviews caused me to vomit every time I saw them.They were depraved, objectifying, smarmy and complete filth.

Thank you NYPD CITU unit for helping me get that garbage taken down. 

I know I was a victim but I am also trying to keep others from being victimized. That's why I let that site publish my story. NOT for revenge, not to hurt anyone, not to end YWL's little lunchhour sex parties or his exploiting my friends with my good words about him, Because the only one who can really help him - is his wife.

That's the only reason why I told his wife - to help YWL STOP VICTIMIZING HIS FAMILY!
#ifmywoundswerevisible

THE CHAT YWL WANTS GONE, ERASED, SCRUBBED

Chat that YWL had with my best friend about the situation on March 17, 2004.

(Notice him "trying out new lies" to see what will fly!! He didn't realize she already knew everything and KNEW he was lying to her!)

Shira: hey YWL

YWL: I am an ass

Shira: well, ok

Shira: what makes you say that???

YWL: Its a long story

Shira: do tell

YWL: ok

YWL: I met someone online that I really care about

YWL: it happened after

YWL: well you know when I got upset that night

Shira: right

Shira: hey

Shira: remind me again why you got upset? I was never really clear on that

YWL: because honestly I felt that I was being toyed with.

YWL: anyway..Barabra and I stayed online that night (no we didn't -- I was online with Shira until 3am; YWL blocked me and went back to cybersex with Elizabeth... as I found out)  

YWL: very late

Shira: well you should have said something to us

Shira: we always joke around like that

YWL: I did

YWL: 'to Barbara

YWL: then I went away

Shira: right

YWL: and then when I got back I pulled away from Barbara

YWL: I had to it was making me crazy

Shira: what was making you crazy?

YWL: tension

YWL: we both wanted to sleep with each other but knew it could never happen (WTF? because I told him no way  LOL!)

YWL: we talked about it till like 3 in the morning

YWL: anyway I started talking to someone online and we got very close

YWL: I was even making a buisness trip to go meet her

YWL: Well yesterday her and Barbara talked and now they are both so hurt  (HURT?  Doesn't even start to cover it)

Shira: hang on - but you practically had to be coaxed out with a handful of sugar cubes to go meet Barbara for LUNCH!

YWL: no

YWL: I was supposed to see her next week

Shira: Yes, for the second time in 2 years

YWL: because I could deal with it now

YWL: now you know the reason I felt I couldn't

YWL: and now I have hurt her

YWL: now I have hurt Elizabeth

YWL: and most importantly I have lost her as a friend

YWL: I have been throwing up all morning

Shira: DESTROYED her, YWL. The word is DESTROYED. You have no idea the amount of abuse she puts up with in your name on a daily basis for something she never even did!

YWL: thats why I was reluctent to see her to make it worse and I have anyway

YWL: I cant throw up anymore

Shira: so don't throw up

YWL: Im so nauseous

Shira: so what are you going to do then?

YWL: I dont know

YWL: Shira -- I do love Barbara and dont want to lose her out of my life

YWL: I dont know what to do

YWL: except throw up

Shira: you love her?

YWL: yes but not in a romantic sense anymore. It started going away that night (again... going away... wtf is he TALKING ABOUT! LOL!)

Shira: so you did love her in a romantic sense at one point?

YWL: yes!

Shira: did you ever tell hr?

YWL: no

YWL: not exactly

Shira: well YWL you either tell someone you love them or you don't

YWL: no I didnt

YWL: but eveytime we tried to stop we couldnt

YWL: but I forced myself

Shira: you forced yourself?

Shira: Or you found it easier because you had someone else to play with?

YWL: no because that happened almost two month before I met

Shira: how did you meet her?

YWL: she commented on one off my articles so I sent her a thank you (that's a lie, even Elizabeth says in emails printed on this site I INTRODUCED THEM)

YWL: and she email back

Shira: you send thankyous to everyone who comments?

YWL: yes

YWL: I do  
YWL: read the bottom of one of my articles (great way to collect emails for future victims!)

YWL: it says right there

Shira: k

YWL: He reads and responds to all of his mail, so comment by here

Shira: oh, yeah, of course I remember now

YWL: and then we started emailing

YWL: and iming

YWL: and one thing led to another

Shira: YWL you do know Barbara loved you, and that for her love is something she tries to avoid because it has only ever brought her pain

YWL: until we had a big fight yesterday

YWL: I had a big fight with Elizabeth yesterday because.. she didnt want me to be friends with Barbara (again, I found out this is a massive lie too!  It was the OTHER WAY AROUND)  

YWL: and the rest as we say is history

Shira: how does she know Barbara?

YWL: they met on a newsgroup

Shira: oh, right

YWL: thats how she got to read mystuff

YWL: I asked Barbara if I could call her and she is ignoring me

OT1: well from the sound of it that's not surprising

YWL: she told Elizabeth that I said bad things about her which is not true

Shira: why would she lie?

YWL: I never said anything cause I knew it would hurt her (hurt? wtf? he just wanted to keep using & abusing me as he kept on smearing and lying about me to others.)

YWL: I swear

Shira: BARBARA DOESN'T LIE

YWL: I never discussed Elizabeth with Barbara (admission of lying and also notice how he leaves out that he's 'discussed' - lied about & smeared - me to Elizabeth to keep us from talking and finding out he's a predator who's been using both of us for his sexual fun & games!)

YWL: On my life (which life would that be?  the one your wife knows about or the one you have at Julie's or the one you have online....)

YWL: gtg

 

~~~~~ 

YWL: Barabar wouldnt pic up her mobile

Shira: well I did say to leave a message. She's a busy woman

YWL: I dont know

Shira: you know how it is...kids and all, also she's disabled, remember

YWL: Her vioce mail didnt pic up

YWL: I dont htink

YWL: I ddint hear a beeb

YWL: but Italked anyway

Shira: what'd you say?

YWL: I said that I didnt want to loseher from my life that she was too important and could we talk

Shira: YWL she's been awake for 30 hours

Shira: she's distraught

Shira: YWL

Shira: you've utterly destroyed any trust she had in you

Shira: you've made her feel used

YWL: I know

YWL: but I wasnt

YWL: I swear

Shira: you weren't what?

Shira: using her?

YWL: we were supposed to meet next week

Shira: so?

YWL: I asked her to keep the lucnh

YWL: so w can talk

Shira: you know, if I were her I wouldn't want to talk to you

Shira: I would feel very used and betrayed

YWL: I know

Shira: you were using her, weren't you

YWL: no

YWL: I wasnt

Shira: well; what else do you call cybersex with her, and then another woman, with no intention of anything else?

YWL: I told you how it happedn and they were sepreated by time

YWL: and there was an intention

Shira: what did you intend?

YWL: I had set up a trip to see Elizabeth

Shira: I meant MY friend, Barbara! Not your newest girlfriend, Elizabeth!

YWL: So you arent going to help me?

Shira: Help you!?

You've been lying and toying with Barbara for 2 years with no intention other than to twist her into knots and using her! So, what do you expect after what you've done to my best friend?

You lied about ME, too. 
I tell you what, YWL, you best be sh*tting yourself. You ********. And you call yourself a spiritual man. I think not. All you think about is your **** and I wish you everything you deserve. What a filthy lying s**tbag you are.

 

HOW A MARRIED NARCISSIST (or SOCIOPATH) PLAYS HIS VICTIMS

A MUST Read!

WHAT I DID AND DID NOT DO

YWL has hated my guts for almost 30 years. He made it very clear in college I was just a warm hole. He was vocal about it and I had ears. Period. This blog will probably never be read by him or if it is, it will be bashed and defamed.  Don't care.

As far as YWL's concerned he's closed all discussion. It's his "truth" or nothing. So let me say it and get out there:

• I NEVER contacted his parents or sent them anything (who did this? read here)  
• I NEVER contacted CPS (who did this? read here) 
• I NEVER contacted his boss (who did this? read here)  
• I NEVER contacted his publishers or anyone else connected to his writing before or since. (who did this? read here)  
• I DID NOT look up YWL's address & find out "where he lives." My husband did that in September 2002. THINK ABOUT THIS: I had that information for 18 months and never did a thing with it. Ever. Elizabeth had all the other information and I felt funny using it. I was never given it and I only called his office one morning when I was very upset. I was traumatized. I did NOTHING else.  
• I DID NOT save all our conversations (if you look here you will see who did that. and how & why and who has them all now)  
• I NEVER dogged him "all over the net." When just seeing his name or anything remotely connected to him triggered a panic attack - WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  
• I NEVER stalked him, went to his home, put things in his mailbox or that of his neighbors.  
• I NEVER asked either of the 2 friends I have in his area to do so either (one is confined to wheelchair most of the time and the other has 4 kids, 2 jobs and wouldn't do that for me even if I did ask.) 
• I DID NOT make up a porn site about him (I did get it taken down, thanks to NYPD though) nor did I give or authorize any of that information about him to be made public. I did not link porn to any of his friends. 
• I DID NOT post about him all over the web (see what YWL (called "J") said HERE in one of our last conversations - he said he'd "assume" anything on the web was from me!) In fact, when I found out about some things I did what I could to get them all removed (see here) 
• I NEVER emailed him or IM'd him since March 2004. Even anonymously. 
• I DID post to his new blog in March 2007 about an old article he reposted. AT THE TIME I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT HIS "STORY OF GRIDNEY" post where he bold-face lied about me. If I had known he still thought I was stalking him? I would NEVER have posted that nice comment. 
• I DID have an order of protection with his name on it for a short time after March 2004. I have let it expire and was forced to file and have a Cease and Desist letter served
• I DID mail my friend's letter to his Rabbi, at HER REQUEST.  
• I DID take his threats to NYPD Computer Crimes in March 2004 . They found the stuff about the hookers & sex ads. JUST ONE OF MANY SITES HERE I DID tell everything to one site - almost 2 years ago. Its all here... in this month, scroll through - YWL is called "J" The ONLY person I have EVER EVER had cybersex with was him. I would NEVER do that was someone anonymous. In fact, I have told my therapist in thinking about it, he was the ONLY person who probably could have gotten me to do that. (Additionally, I now know SEX ADDICTION is 'infectious')  
• I have NEVER had ads for online dating, sex or anything else. Nor will I. EVER. 
• If I had not known YWL and had a prior 'relationship' with him; which lead me to believe he was wholly trustworthy & truthful; I would never ever have even given him the time of day.  

*****************

Yes, YWL's very good at charming and seducing people with words. VERY good. 
He got me to forget or overlook the comments he made about me in college when I was just a couple feet away. He got me to repress or minimize them. And he's gotten much better over time. 
He tried to do it in his post, which is why I am providing as much documentation as I can. You don't have to believe what I say. Just look with your own two eyes. 
YWL makes a LIVING out of his charm now.
Yes, he probably did the same to his wife. He's right - she'd be devastated if she knew he really did see all those hookers. Or what he was up to on his computer with his wife in the home somwhere. 

"The exposed abuser on the other hand, cannot rest until they have blotted out a vaguely experienced target who dared to oppose them, find out about them, to disagree with them or to outshine them. The exposed can never find rest because they can NEVER FULLY wipe out the evidence that has contradicted their conviction they are unique and perfect and handled things appropriately. This archaic rage goes on and on and on." - Dr. Ernest Wolf

The police know and of course, that's part of why he'll never speak to me again. He didn't want to see me for 2 years when he had ample opportunity so WHY would he want to speak to me? Now I also know it was going on well before he looked me up and during. Who'd want to face someone who knows that about you? So its better you seem angry & indignant and make it MY fault you won't talk to me. Right? Why is he blaming me for everything? Like I said, he hates me. Or course blaming me for telling his parents and his boss makes sense in the context of keeping him from speaking to me. It justifies anything he's said about me to them or his wife or anyone else. Telling this "true story" also accomplishes YWL's keeping me from ever meeting any of his friends. If they did by some horrible chance, meet me - they'd see or know that I am not some sexual predator or the avenging angel he's made me out to be. And that can't happen, can it? Much too dangerous. ;)

"I firmly believe that a Narcissistic person will tell huge lies, a whopper of a story, make himself out to be a victim despite pretty obvious evidence to the contrary and, if he can get somebody to believe him - BINGO - HE'S FOUND A TARGET."

Me and my "minions"? Whoa, that's as bad as my ex-husband telling my lawyer I had "put a curse on him." How's someone like me supposed to do that? How do I whip my few friends into a frenzy against him and participate in a conspiracy against him? Why would I do that? And where do I find that sort of time as a single disabled parent?  

Think about this: YWL started telling Elizabeth I was "fixated on him, jealous", would "ruin their happiness" and he "never loved me Never!" He tried his reality-spin on my friend Shira too. Trying to tell her that his 'feelings' for me ended in January 2004. Truth?: His feelings for me ended when he stepped away from his computer. Any sort of relationship (for lack of better word) ended on September 13, 2002 when my ex-husband sent him an email. He distanced himself to save his ass while I was taking abuse because of him. And I was too messed up to see what he'd done. He said it would "be better if he went away." Better for who? "Narcissistic people are obsessed with blame. They are always blaming everyone else for everything that happens."  

Silly me, in September 2002 my husband had YWL's home and (then) work address, phone numbers and hours of IMs between YWL and me. My ex-husband wanted to go to his job, and go to his home and talk directly to his wife. I prevented that and defended YWL. 

I realize now I was trauma bonded to YWL and had enough cognitive dissonance going on to melt down a normal person's brain. And I kept defending for years.  

YWL, I thought was my 'sympathetic friend.' I had shared my most personal thoughts, concerns and feelings with him - and thought the history we had was enough to believe he was being as genuine as his words. 

In reality all I was - was free cybersex. Other than that I meant less than nothing to YWL. I always had.

'Why do we want to repeat the cycle?' Because we are familiar with the role (conscientious caregiver), comfortable with the role, and very good at the role, given our family or relationship history with Ns".

Elizabeth was really confused when I told her to 'go be with him' and give him her love anyway. She told me later she couldn't make it jive with the horrible picture YWL had painted of me. He told her I was just panting after him like a lost puppy. How I lost my virginity to him (that was a lie, I was not a virgin when we met). 

She was angry too that I asked her to help place some of his articles - she blamed me for a while for introducing them.  

Let's be blunt- I am a tall, big, old SHIKSA with 2 children and a disability. NO CONTEST!! 

And besides, I genuinely wanted YWL to be happy. The relentless psychological torture of hearing YWL constantly talk about his "friends" or how he did this or that - or took his family here or there - I can't even put words to it. The pictures of family and events I got all the time. 

In the 2 years we were chatting it went from me: 'when will I meet your wife/family?'; YWL: 'I don't know' or 'I'm still thinking about it/considering it' to YWL: 'THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN' at the end. Nice.  

And the mixed messages of YWL's proseltizing about my needing better morals and then sending me suggestive emails? Even as part of a mass mailing? I didn't know what to think it was so mixed up.

Think about it - why introduce your family to someone that, in your mind, was just some silly old free cyberwhore? Not even a real person. 

That one lunch we had must have been torture for him. He certainly didn't act like he enjoyed it at all. And to be SEEN with me! At least he took me FAR from his office. 

I was soooo much better when he could click me off with a mouse, huh? poor guy.  

YWL's right about this - I DID tell him to 'stop trying to please everyone else and make himself happy.' He'd talk to me about work, his shul, etc and he seemed so torn up. 

When I told him that however, I had NO CLUE he WAS making himself happy once or twice a month by spending a few hundred dollars for lunch hours with a sexual pro. 

And I had NO CLUE that he had a computer full of free porn links (I knew he had some - like a lot of guys, not the extent of the addiction that NYPD showed me) including webcam, anonymous sex hook-up ads and cybersex sites. I had NO CLUE that those LONG PAUSES in IMs with me were because he was either chatting up other women or watching porn or posting to TheEroticReview about that day's lunch hour fun. 

I had NO CLUE idea he already WAS um... pleasing himself!  

Some of the 'lures' YWL threw at me?  
"I will do anything to make you happy",  
"you always have my attention, whether we cyber or not",  
"you were the most talented person I ever knew",  
"I feel drawn and connected to you",  
"someone should hold you all night",  
"I never forgot you, ever",  
"you are too nice."  

Truth? The ONLY reason this guy looked me up? Was because I liked him and was stupid enough to get naked with him in 1975. I can't have intimacy without feelings. He can. He never even called me after that to see how I was. In fact, he said some pretty harsh things about me when I was just a few feet away. (I came from an abusive home so I learned to TAKE it) You do the math!!
 

"There are only two kinds of people of any use to Narcissists; 

those who can pump them up and those whom they can put down."  

The Fusion Delusion - Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism  

Author: Sandy Hotchkiss  

He told me once he "had feelings for me." What sort of feelings he never specified. I suspect they were amusement, disgust, frustration and annoyance.

YWL must have been REALLY bored to bother with someone he loathes so much.  

YWL told me he couldn't call me or take a chance of having my number. But he could call someone in California he'd never met 3-4 times a day and give her his work & cell numbers and work address. I did call his work once after -when Elizabeth gave me his new work number and told me to 'let it fly.' 

Yes, that was wrong and I was just shattered at the time. I never ever feel comfortable using someone's phone numbers or address until THEY THEMSELVES give me permission to use them. Ever.  

My husband had given me YWL's address and home number and for almost 2 years and I never ever used them once. EVER. 

I did also tell him to consider counseling many times and to talk to his wife. All he did was tell me she wouldn't talk. He also went and got Wellbutrin, while assuring me he was getting 'counseling.'  

I did, stupidly, continue to ask to meet YWL's wife and family. I NEVER wanted or thought about breaking up his marriage - just the opposite. It was torture to hear about his family activities & get the loads of pictures he took of them and realize at the end - I would never meet the children or family of this old friend I held so dear and was taking so much abuse because of... because I am nothing. I was someTHING that was supposed to go away when the computer was off. 

One night myself, Shira & YWL were joking around about a 3-some. It was NOT serious. He got very angry with us and left the chat. Shira & I had a big 'WTF' moment. We had been KIDDING! 

I IM'd YWL, right after seeing he was still online right after he left. (He had started to be online for long periods without blocking me or ever speaking to me.) He'd told me not to IM him first - but I did. His response was, (paraphrase) "YOU AND I WILL NEVER EVER BE TOGETHER FOR REAL BECAUSE IT WOULD MESS YOU UP TOO MUCH. AND YOU ARE JUST ABOUT SEX FOR ME, O.K.? GOT IT?" (then YWL clicked off) I was stunned and spent hours online with Shira discussing it. 

I didn't speak to YWL until a few days later when he emailed me an APOLOGY saying he'd "forgotten to take his medication for a few days" and he was sorry. Yeah, right. If anyone forgot Wellbutrin for more than a couple days, they'd feel it. 

Why he kept reeling me back in I will never understand. I must have been quite amusing to keep around by then. Ole' reliable. The TRUTH was that at time YWL was online with Elizabeth, having cybersex at the same time. 

Now think: I was useless and nothing to him. So maintaining a chat with me and her at the same time... one of us had to go. And it had been over a for a long, long time with me anyway.  

His old hatred from college of me was always right there. 

About 10 months before he'd kept me online for over an hour waxing poetic about his ex-fiance, "R." I was like a deer in headlights and I just couldn't bring myself to cut him off. 

He'd never ever given me a chance to be more than a protracted one night stand to him. 

He'd never given me the chance to really get to know him and still wasn't. 

I was being abused by my ex-husband because I was even still chatting with YWL (non-sexual by then) and I sat there while he went on & on about some woman I'd never met. And I accepted it in the name of 'friendship.' 

I was so seriously depressed. I wanted to be a good ear but I thought I was also his "intimate" and wanted to keep up what I believed was a PRIVATE relationship with him. No good deed goes unpunished! 

Little did I know I was just words on a screen in a parade of INTIMATES.

Abuse is an addiction with narcissists. The more they degrade you, the bigger dose of this high they get. Which is why they are sadistic. So, here you have them abusing their victim in cold blood sadistically. Then, when the victim complains, they turn around with their little Wouldn't-Hurt-a-Fly mask on for the bystanders, whining about their need to "heal." Yes, THEIR need to heal. Some folks don't know a joke even when it slaps them in the face like that. Right out of the bystander's mind goes what's on the other side of that coin - what that angel-faced narcissist just did to that victim. In other words, they take this "Poor-Little-Me" act out of context. More important, the bystanders thus avoid having to know what they know about such phony face changes = that the narcissist is diabolical and laughing up his sleeve. All they let themselves see is whiny angel-face before them right now. Because it's warm and cuddly and doesn't rattle their cage or require them to do anything about anything. Or cross this guy they are suddenly afraid of. Then they go off and correct the VICTIM for wrongdoing. Yes, that's right: some folks don't even know a joke when they tell it. The victim has sinned by feeling angry or wanting to retaliate or tell the truth so as to make the abuser stop it. THAT'S the only sin the ugly bystander sees.

Another WTF moment: February 13, 2004 I was chatting with YWL and he seemed distracted. I went to bed and left my cellphone AOL connection on so Shira could IM me from the UK. Not 5 minutes after I'd said goodnight to YWL he IM'd me. 

I will never forget because he was like 2 different people. 5 minutes prior he didn't want to talk much. Now he was very into talking to me, getting me to "help him get over the edge" and have cybersex with him for the first time in many, many, many months. 

I allowed it - of course - I'd been well trained by then. Now I realize that Elizabeth (who was in the picture by then) wasn't online for him and he had been watching porn and distracted while chatting with me. YWL wanted something MORE so he went to me - knowing I wouldn't and couldn't say NO.  

What the heck, Barbara will have cybersex with me. She's sooooo easy , huh?  

More WTFs: And I had to sit there and listen to the events with his REAL friends and family I'd never be a part of. I was so trauma bonded and wanted to keep the communication open with this once sympathetic ear that I allowed and participated in phone & cybersex. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with him. I shared myself in a way I had NEVER shared myself with anyone else. 

NYPD Victim's Advocates, my therapist, counselors, doctors and my friends all say I was severely used. I have spent the last 3 years trying to and working on recovery. In so doing I have devoted myself to my children and helping others out of abusive, controlling situations.  

When the "falling out" (as YWL called it... LOL, I wish that was all it was) happened he tried to tell Shira that night of the '3-some that was just a joke' -- That he & I had been online talking until late. Truth? Shira & I had been online talking until late that night, both of us were so upset by his 'behavior' online -- so she knew right away he was lying.  

And he tried to tell Shira he'd stopped caring about me in January 2004, anchoring that lie to a weekend he & his family went to the Poconos. Truth? He never cared. His feigned interest stopped in September 2002 when my husband emailed him that he knew. 

I was just a sucker and someone he'd manipulated to be there whenever he decided to throw enough attention my way. Like I said, he's good... VERY good at what he does.  

But remember - he'd already started making me out to be a jealous stalker to Elizabeth. It helped gain her sympathy and aid his seduction of her, making him seem desirable. How YWL was 'putting up' with this fat old friend of his.  

Additionally telling Elizabeth that Shira & I liked to toy with him sexually? YWL'd gotten the story that I and my 'minions' were out to get him (or as was said on his blog - "bullied by my friends") to 'fly' once. Once he'd gotten that to 'fly' he just kept working over the story until it became reality for him. 

And now he tells it to people who have never met me. People who he knows might believe all these women are soooo in love with him and he's just being chased & abused by us. And because of the horrible picture he's painted of me, none of them will ever WANT to meet me.  

(I KNOW his wife would never want to meet me. I asked for 2 years and NO - by now I am probably on a dartboard in their home!) Like I said he's very convincing. Very. It's a gift. An EVIL TO THE CORE gift.

"The devaluing has no real thought behind it, any more than a child can explain why he suddenly gets bored with his favorite toy. One day she's a beautiful source of great sex, the next she's a bore that I want to ditch. I can't explain why.

(quote from a diagnosed narcissistic abuser)