YOU ARE MERELY HIS "PREY"

by Ava St Clair  

The narcissist looks for those who are kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, all characteristics that the narcissist does not possess. It is as if by capturing his prey, the narcissist will somehow be able to drain the victim of her good qualities and make them become his own. Narcissists do not possess these positive characteristics. Lack of empathy, love and compassion allows the narcissist to conduct his life in an all consuming pattern of controlling behaviour steeped in abuse, lies, and manipulations.

The narcissist is a human enigma to those of us that have encountered him in a personal relationship; a "murderer of souls" full of contradictions.

Initially, the narcissist will take note of the new target's behaviour. He will carefully study the target's interactions with others, her body language, tone of voice, and general demeanour. As an expert hunter, he will methodically craft his plan of attack and begin to track his target. The narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements. He will model himself and his behaviour to what he thinks will please his target. He will assume the behaviour of the target's "perfect man". The narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner and mate.

You Want Crazy? I Got Your Crazy..

Once he has caught the eye of his target, he will move in. The narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that she is special and of course he is too. He will say they were meant for each other because they are different. The narcissist will constantly flatter his target and be very attentive, calling her many times a day, just to say "he" was thinking of her. He will quickly become an important person in the target's life and she will find herself swept off her feet by this "wonderful, perfect man".  

Once the narcissist has become totally ensconced in the target's life and her in his, the role will change for her from target to victim. The narcissist's dance of destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. He will begin to mentally disassemble the victim's beliefs about herself and the relationship. What she once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, gut wrenching and unstable. She is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviour of her narcissistic partner.  

The narcissist will make plans with his victim and cancel at the last minute. He will talk only of himself, his needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, he will instantaneously strike, like a venomous serpent, and harshly remind the victim that his needs are more important. The victim learns all too quickly to speak only of him. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of himself. He will conveniently forget to pay back money he has borrowed from the victim. The narcissist will even go as far as to say that the victim is "too happy" and her happiness is something that he just cannot bear. He will say and do terrible things under the guise that he is not like other people, that he is much more sensitive than most and that he feels so deeply about things in general that it is "difficult" for him to relate to regular people who are not "special" like him. The victim becomes less and less of what she used to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration and destruction by the narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. 

Although the dismantling of the victim was skilfully orchestrated by the narcissist, he will unmercifully criticize the victim for "not being the person" he fell in love with. He will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the narcissist and left by the roadside.

Example Six: Is a Control Freak, Trampling Privacy/ Boundaries

Readers, I am going to temporarily skip Kathy Krajco's Example #5 (Exhibits Unnatural & Perplexing Behavior -- Backwards Reactions to Things) simply because there is SOOOOOOOOO much to say there that I have to take my time... and it will probably be a long post.
 

One of the questions the victims I speak with always ask or bring up is 'is being a control freak part of this disorder?'

From what I have learned and been taught - Cluster B Pathology (which includes Narcissism & Sociopathy) - always includes the need for Absolute Power & Control in the relationship - whatever that is. And this power and control is done in a number of different ways - coercion, misrepresentation, trance/ suggestibility/ mind control, lying, guilt-tripping and blame-shifting to name a few.

All these types live in a world of delusion. They exploit anyone and everyone to keep their delusions alive and valid (for them). If you question them or break the delusions in any way - you become the enemy to be destroyed. Trying to 'reason with them' or 'make them see reality' is a fool's errand. Don't bother.  

For example: When YWL demanded I take all the postings around the net about him down, I politely tried. I realized later that (as I will cover in #5) he had a backward reaction. Didn't thank me - just raged even more. I even tried to tell him what happened but he didn't want to hear it. Still doesn't. Still an upside-down reaction. Because then he'd have to deal with reality - rather than his convenient delusion of blaming me for things I didn't do and have no control over. It validates YWL's rage at me for discovering who & what he REALLY IS... in black & white... in ways even his nearest and dearest hadn't.

Sociopaths and other pathologicals never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as completely permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile, controlling and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used or an object. Many like to dominate and humiliate their victims.

Very late in the 'relationship' YWL admitted to me he saw me ONLY as an object to be used for cybersex when he felt like it. He got bored early on after my ex-husband found out and confronted him. Just clicked back over to his cyberwhores & escorts and left me hanging - to be beaten and abused by my estranged-husband. YWL did this without a second thought or any remorse. 

Because to him, I was an OBJECT. And when it turned out I was a real person with real feelings - this was not part of his delusion - so he set about to destroy me. He probably will not stop until he does. As someone once said "sociopaths run from truth like vampires from a Xenon flashlight!" 

  YWL controlled WHEN cybersex happened; he cajoled me into it one way or another; when HE felt like it. He controlled things so that I would never meet his family - as I continually requested. He's currently created a picture of me to his wife such that she believes I am evil incarnate and 'obsessed' with him, as well as 'stalking him.' This controls the "flow of information."  

YWL knew that I was empathetic and liked men who loved & took care of their families; were involved with their children; were honest & real. So he discussed HIS family, HIS problems and so on with me freely. This was all to support the picture he purposefully brainwashed me into believing of him as a caring father and hard worker. He knew this would keep me reeled in. No one in their 'right mind' would do what I did - but as many therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists have told me - to my face - I wasn't in my 'right mind'. I was brainwashed. 

YWL showed only cursory interest in my issues, family, etc. His feigned interest only lasted a few months until my ex-husband confronted him. He also started to devalue me as soon as I showed him pictures of what I looked like. Despite MANY MANY MANY times me calling him on it - he convinced me he didn't care that I'd put on weight and was disabled, etc. No, he is too much of an Objectifier. 

And he proved this in his smear & distortion campaign against me. This feigned interest also kept the NLP coercion going because he knew I would not be 'sexual' with him without emotion. So the false concerns he portrayed left me believing he gave a damn and had emotions. He did not. And I now know as a sociopath - he could not and never will. 

   

As things moved along he proclaimed he was more "needy" and his language with me and desires became more disgusting, objectified and blatantly perverse. There was no intimacy, affection or respect in what he wanted - none whatsoever. YWL also blocks or bans people from his website, his Facebook, his Twitter that don't agree with him; that want to have a debate or conversation with him. I have heard from a number of them. It's his way or the highway - UNLESS HE NEEDS YOU FOR SOMETHING. Any 2-way conversations are again, feigned. 

As a true salesman - showing interest in the needs of others; even false - gives the other person (or victim) the impression there is a "relationship." As the line from Glengarry Glenross goes "ABC = Always Be Closing;" and YWL is always closing... for his own needs, his own desire for attention & control & power and nothing else.  

It took me over a year to figure out how YWL was IM'ing all the women on my AOL buddy list. What I realized was I'd somehow given him access. It was almost like he used me as a pimp - anything female was a target. He now included in his pick-up arsenal "just ask Barbara - I'm a decent guy." Since then I have developed a lot of expertise in dealing with the internet. And I have pretty much stopped IMing all together.  

Just another of the too-many-to-count examples of something YWL did that was WAY over-the-line controlling: In his one of his ongoing attempts to smear me & silence me he started googling my nicknames shortly after the blowup. Digging for dirt; like the dirt Computer Crimes found on him (and what he could not find, he made up!)

Here's one thing he found: I have had PCOS since I was 9. One of the symptoms is profuse vaginal fluid. It doesn't smell at all but if you wear colored panties, the pH of it will literally 'bleach' the crotch white. I always have a mini pack of babywipes and baby powder with me to combat it. And anyone who knows me knows I am very particular about my personal cleanliness. This symptom was worse when I was younger but its still an issue.

So YWLstalked my posting about this in a thread on the PCOS forum at Ob/Gyn Net and posted in various places on the net that I was 'a filthy smelly c*nt' or 'has personal hygiene issues' blah blah. (guess who REALLY has hygiene issues?)

One of the women with PCOS from Ob/Gyn net which is where it was posted - found it - told me and I had it removed. One of the DOCTORS who spends time running the PCOS section contacted me. I was horrified. Thousands of women on a site for a very serious hormone disorder were horrified. The DOCTORS' panel on that site reported it to the FBI as well. Talk about no boundaries...

All this to keep me from telling the truth. To scare me into silence. I am sure many of yours, readers, have gone to disgusting lengths to silence you too.

Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:

1. They think they know best about everything. They know what’s best for you; just ask them. They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say. They point out all your mistakes and failings. They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can. They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses. Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.

2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along. Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago. You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.

3. They think they don’t have anything to learn. They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well. They’re nit-picking, micro-managers. They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best. They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly. They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.

4. They’re more important than you are. Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world. Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter. Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions. Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want. They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands. Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).

5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.

6. Their excuses, excuse. Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred. Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do. They’re saints in their own minds. You’d better agree or else.

7. Their rules, rule. They know how the world should be and how people should act. They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem. They are virtuous and righteous. They simply talk so loud, stridently and long that you give in. In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time. Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up. They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.

 

The last evidence of YWL's being a control freak with no boundaries is his new identity - Sammy Benoit; created very shortly after the police found out about everything. And his novella of "the truth about what really happened." All simply more attempts to rewrite history and control reality. As well of the reality of everyone who actually read or listened to what he had to say and didn't see how transparent and inherently abusive & contradictory it was.

I love getting your emails or comments below on how this was done to you. I hope this continues to validate and illuminate things for you. Will continue with #7 (Is Extremely Self-Absorbed) soon!

Example Three: Has a History of Past Upheavals

If you know a narcissist's history, you will usually see a track of mysterious upheavals in his life. He suddenly up and moves to a different school or job in a different town every few years. That is, every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged. In one narcissist I know of, these upheavals began with one in the eighth grade. " What Makes Narcissists Tick" pg. 79

In other words, once the narcissist has crapped enough in one place and it begins to stink they have to move on. The pile of excrement near the narcissist has made it clear to others who is doing the crapping. All that dung is what we call 'exposure'. Thus requiring a new scene for the narcissist.

With YWL it's not only exposure... but not getting his way or people disagreeing with him.

Instance one with me: In December 1976, YWL packed up and left the college we were attending and went to another. I didn't know where he went, he never bothered to even tell me he was going - where he was going - or keep in touch. The next time I heard from him was April 2002 when HE (yes HE) looked me up on Classmates.com. I have the first email and the police found his Classmates account and retrieval of my email to contact me, which blows the nonsense he's been spreading about me stalking him for years out of the water.  

Now prior to leaving, his roommate, David - was teasing him relentlessly. YWL introduced David and I and David dominated my life for the next 3 years. (I didn't find out until a couple weeks before I graduated that David was obsessed with me, that others knew about his obsession and waited until the bitter end to tell me. David tried to kill me and control my whole life... David was, I believe, the first sociopath I ever dealt with personally.) 

David had asked YWL if he'd ever slept with me. You see, David was enamored with me at the time and he asked me about my relationship with YWL and I was HONEST! I said 'yes, that I cared about YWL.' 

  YWL later told me (to cover his derriere) that he didn't think it was anyone's business rather than admitting he lied. (The fact that he published reviews of all the escorts he saw on a number of Hooker-Review-Sites tells me he thinks his amoral exploits are EVERYONE'S business!) 

There's a big difference between that and OUTRIGHT LYING! Which is what he did... and in a typically cruel and hurtful way.  

A bunch of us were in YWL and David's room. I was sitting at the end of David's bed with our friend Dan, looking out the window. I audibly heard David ask YWL if he'd been intimate with me. YWL's response is one I never forgot.
 

"HER?? I would NEVER sleep with her! She's not my type. Besides she's not even Jewish."

I got up an excused myself from the room. Didn't tell anyone I'd heard that dagger in my stomach. 

But YWL had been blowing me off and avoiding me since he started rooming with David. This "I would NEVER..." incident did it for me. I started to ignore YWL and avoid him too. 

YWL wasn't quite done with harming me. Sociopathic types never are with open-hearted people. No. Just before he packed up and left, YWL told David that yes, in fact he HAD been intimate with me. And then bolted the school and any responsibilities he may have had towards anyone there.  

The result? When I returned from Winter Break in early January 1977, David called my room (which was right downstairs) and asked me to come up. He'd obviously been ruminating over the break. He'd called my home a few times during break to chat, saying he missed me, but said nothing about this revelation. 

But now, I walked into David's room and he grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled that YWL had confirmed that we had been intimate and that he was furious with me! I was pushed/ thrown into YWL's old now-empty closet. I got up and ran downstairs, locking myself in my room. 

This was the beginning of the contentious campaign and dramatically covert abusive relationship David ran on me almost until we graduated. I am lucky to be alive. And I never heard an apology from YWL, nor anying "owning" of the results of his behavior towards me ever.   REMORSELESS.

This history of past upheavals can be more subtle than the narcissist having to physically pull up stakes and move to a new place. This is what Kathy is talking about though. If you are acquainted with someone who keeps telling you about how they had to get rid of this person, that person and the other person where all the blame rests on the other party or they had to get away -- you are witnessing a "history of past upheavals" and it is a sign you are looking at a narcissist. Moving about geographically is only one outward sign of past upheavals. High turnover in social circles and relationships is the subtler sign. I call it subtler because it requires a knowledge of that person's social history for you to follow the trend.

YWL later put me on the defensive (see article excerpts at the bottom of this post) by saying that he thought "David made me hate [him]." Not that he'd put me on the curb like garbage when he was done using me. No... somehow HE was the victim!  

YWL also says that HE broke up the 5 year engagement relationship between himself and his ex-fiance (the person he says he SHOULD have married). I wonder about that. From what he told me, if there was any truth to it... it was volatile and revolved around sex, sex and more sex. (who knows what was real and what wasn't there)  

YWL also has a poor job history since 2001. Lots of periods of unemployment. Whether it be redundancy, turnover or just bad timing... this guy's having a lot of problems maintaining income. 

He looked me up online during a period of unemployment and manipulated, brainwashed and lied to me to turn me into some 'online freebie.' Something I would never have been on my own if I wasn't brainwashed!

Kathy stated that, "every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged" that it forces the narcissist to fold up his tent and move away. It is possible that the narcissist you know has managed to arrange a Pathological Space where there are no "good angels" to hold him or her to account.

Remember YWL's lame apology about what happened? I know Elizabeth mentioned numerous times how he PROMISED her he'd be back in touch once he calmed his wife down. She had a very hard time believing she'd been dumped so quickly. But once she did realize it - she was enraged. 

I myself, have never heard from him again - and hope I never do. Just the thought of attempting to be polite to him again and his backward reaction to anything makes my stomach churn.

Sometimes the narcissist is able to form a family circle (or any social circle) in which there are no dissenters. Either the dissenters have fled or have been forcefully ousted by the majority rule of the narcissist and his underlings.

This scenario of the narcissist gaining a large enough mass of sychophants, enablers, beta narcissists in his Pathological Space means it can camoflage this red flag to onlookers and acquaintances. Beware.

In this case look for a cult following. If you find a person with a cult-leader type of effect on the people in his social circle then you can be damned sure you're looking at a narcissist. In a cult-type setting it always looks like the "Cult Leader" is the immovable rock never having to vacate his setting but forcing out those who don't fit in. It is a fake-out form of stability. Remember that families can be cult-like in construct.

This may or may not be what is going on with YWL's family and friends - I don't know but from what I've heard it is: no dissent allowed. (Another reason why he's such a good example for people to understand this type of Pathological) 

Oddly, YWL did tell me (the police & my lawyer have the verified chats) many times that his mother and sister sexually abused him when he was a child, numerous times. Looking for sympathy again with a constructed lie?

Click here for another example of YWL's lack of tolerance for a difference of opinion and getting as far away from debate and fair discussion as possible; unapologetically.  

To finish the example here, some excerpts from a wonderful article by Steve Becker, LSCW:

Accepting the Blame to Preserve the Relationship

Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment. From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors. Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault. Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
 

It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.

 

We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.

..............

   

A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying). ......... But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it. 
-------------------------

On a final note, YWL 'justified' his 'relationships' with both myself and Elizabeth by telling both of us (remember verified copies of chats are on file) that his wife was cold, pious, hated sex, he was sooooo lonely, he NEEDED, he couldn't handle the lack of love/ sex... etc... There is NO JUSTIFICATION for the depraved games a pathological grooms & lures us into. None whatsoever. The blame is solely theirs.  

Kathy Krajco's Example Four: is Hated for Mysterious Reasons by People Close to Them - is next. It will probably be short because a lot of it is covered in this post!

11 Lies Love Bombing Narcissists, Sociopaths (and Salesmen/Marketers) Tell

(Almost didn't recognize him without his d**k in his hands)

(YWL used these on ALL his victims and now uses them on his blog readers)

"If only we could acquire a lie detector that fit easily into our coat pocket.  Then, we would be alerted to the narcissist’s frequent falsehoods.  But alas, until those are made available, we must continue to unite against these predators through education.

Common Lies of Love Bombing
Narc Speak:

• I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
• I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
• No one understands me like you do.
• You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.
• You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
• My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
• You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
• I think I love you.  I think I want to marry you.
• I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
• We have so much in common.
• He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.

Deciphering the Lies
Wikipedia defines Love Bombing as an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.  It’s a manipulative tactic used commonly by cult leaders and abusive predators in romantic or other intimate relationships.  Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate.  It also appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.


Love is the most sought after human need.  So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to analyze the reasons ‘why’ for fear of losing what they’ve desperately been longing for.  In due course, the target becomes blindly dependent on their abuser; all while being hammered into submission.

Black Hole of False Love
Love Bombing includes not only the above phrases, but also over-the-top gestures of attention.  This plays out in the form of constant calls and text messages, gifts, flowers, invites to meet his family, requests to move in together, and splashing your social media sites with cutesy, flirty messages.  Of course, these are all behaviors of people who are courting one another…but not after one date.


In predatory terms, it’s called going in for the kill.  So how can you detect when this is happening and avoid becoming a Narcissist’s target?  Let’s examine the step-by-step process from the Narcissist’s point of view:

First, they have lost their previous source of supply.  Either their former partner left or the Narcissist is in the discard phase of the previous relationship.  Since narcs cannot function independently, they experience an urgent need to replace their partner.  This is why you will find them with a new companion in a very short amount of time.  Sadly, victims who’ve been discarded suffer very low self-esteem when they discover their abuser has found someone new, when the fact is, the Narc has love-bombed a fresh candidate in order to secure a new source of livelihood.  Don’t be fooled by the imaginary happiness of the Narc with his new supply. 


Narcs don’t view people as individuals.  They view them in terms of whether or not they will be reliable supply.


Next, the Narcissist will appear to be an exact mirror of the new target, which in this case is you.  Narcs don’t possess a fundamental inner-self, so they mimic that of their potential supply.  This explains why they appear to be soul-mate material.  The truth of the matter, though, is that the Narcissist targets people with positive energy, a good job, resources, intelligence, and the like.  They couldn’t care less about you as a person.  See how this is a recurring theme?


Lastly, a true connection with a potential partner is made through getting to know someone and creating a meaningful friendship.  No one falls in love in three days.  But, the energy it takes to secure new supply is exhausting, so the Narcissist wants to ensure his efforts pay off in as little time as possible.  Instant gratification is the game…and you’re it.


It’s important to note that these statements could very well be made by partners in a genuine relationship.


 However, there should be an element of balance.  If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag.  A relationship with a Narcissist is based on deceit.  The love and affection aren’t real, and they will never be.  At least, not from their side.  The only time you will witness these desired behaviors is when the Narcissist thinks you might leave.  You’ll also discover that when you’re back under his control, he becomes his true self again…an abusive, lying cult leader with you as his devoted disciple.



Infamous Love Bombers:
Charles Manson
David Koresh
Ted Bundy
John Wayne Gacy
YWL


http://letmereach.com/2014/01/19/exposed-11-lies-love-bombing-narcissists-tell/

PATHOLOGICAL ERRORS

1. Excuse Making - Excuses are made by the antisocial for anything and everything. Whenever held accountable for actions, excuses are often given. Excuses are a means of finding a reason to justify his behavior. 
Examples: "I'm dumb - I couldn't help it", "I don't know", "I was never loved", "My family was poor", "My family was rich", "She/he did not say stop", "She/he played my game too",  

2. Blaming – Blaming is an excuse to not solve a problem and is used by the antisocial to excuse his behavior and build up resentment toward someone else for "causing" whatever has happened. 
Examples: "I couldn't do it because he got in my way", "The trouble with you is you're always looking at me in a critical way", "She/he should have told someone sooner", "She/he wanted me to..."  
Blaming is often seen in what seems like ordinary conversation, that is, the antisocial may be observing someone else's behavior which has nothing to do with his/her, and still make blaming comments about other people. This often generates excitement for the antisocial and is used to put others down, while he/she builds himself/herself up.  

3. Justifying – Justifying is the antisocial’s way of explaining the reason for things.  
Examples: "If you can, I can", "I was so lonely I had to...", "She/he yelled at me, so that is why I hit", "No one listens to me so that's why I can't do anything"  
The person with antisocial thinking finds justification for any and all issues that he does not wish to own responsibility for.  

4. Redefining – Redefining is shifting the focus of an issue to avoid solving a problem.  
Examples: Question - "Why are you running up and down the hall?" Answer - "I'm not running, I am just keeping time to the music in my head."  
Question - "Who put this paper here?" Answer - "It wasn't there yesterday."  
Question - "Where are the books that I borrowed from the library, and left on this desk?" Answer - "John was hanging around here this morning."  
Redefining is used as a power play to get the focus off the person in question. It is also indicative of ineffective thinking; not dealing with the problem at hand.  

5. Superoptimism - "I think; therefore it is." The superoptimistic antisocial decides that because he wants some things to be a certain way, or thinks it will be a certain way, therefore it is. This permits the antisocial to function according to what he wants, rather than according to the facts of the situation. 
Examples: If the antisocial expects someone to visit them at their house, they may not take into account that the person may have other plans, or simply the arrangements haven't been made. They fully expect the person to show up. When the person doesn't show up, this gives the antisocial an excuse to explode, be angry, or have a tantrum. Superoptimistic people also believe that they can be famous, popular, strong, movie stars, rich, etc. simply by wishing it, and never take into account the practical steps along the way. 

6. Lying - Lying is the most commonly know characteristic of antisocial thinking. Lying is done by all antisocials in different ways at different times. Lying is a power play and is often used to confuse, distort, and make fools of other people. There are three basic kinds of lies:  
commission - making things up that are simply not true  
omission - saying partly what is so, but leaving out major sections  
assent - making believe that one agrees with someone else, or pretending, or approving of others ideas to look good when in fact, the person has no intention of going along with this, or does not really agree. The same antisocial at different times can look like he is lying and be telling the truth, can look like he is not lying and be lying, can look like he is lying, and in fact, not be lying. This creates turmoil around him, and people are never sure what is going on.  

7. "Making Fools Of" - This is the effect of lying on others, and "taking others with them." Antisocials make fools of others by agreeing to do things, and not following through, by saying things they don't mean, by setting others up to fight, by inviting frustrations and letting people down, and in numerous other ways. Making fools of others is a major ploy for antisocials and a major behavior common to all. Antisocials delight in making fools of professional people, such as therapists, lawyers, judges, anyone they can take in , telling stories to "get over on".  

8. Build-up - To an antisocial, everything they perceive as positive, they use to build themselves up, and they generally do this by putting others down. In fact, almost everything said to an antisocial that is not seen as a build-up, is seen as a put down. The antisocial can take insignificant events, such as someone not speaking to them on the street, and assume that this means they are either despised by this other person, or that they are better than the other person. The thinking that goes along with this is that the antisocial is always right and everyone else is wrong. 

   

9. Assuming - The antisocial spends a great deal of time assuming what others think, what others feel, what others are doing. He/she uses this assumption in service of whatever criminal activity or behavior he decides to engage in.  
Examples: The antisocial assumes that other people don't like him. This gives him an excuse to blow up, be angry or rob, molest, not pay his taxes, or any other thing he has in mind. Assuming takes place every day and the antisocial makes assumptions about whatever he wishes in order to support his antisocial behavior.  

10. "I'm Unique" - The antisocial believes that he is unique and special, that no one else is like him, and so any information that is applied to other people simply doesn't affect him. The beliefs going along with this are things such as "I know everything and I can handle things alone." "I don't need anyone, no one, no understands me anyway." "No one can tell me what to do." 
 It is common in a prison for a criminal to believe that everyone else are criminals, but not him. A child molester may think - "I'm not like all those other dirty child molesters; I'm different."  

11. Ingratiating - The antisocial often overdoes being nice to others, and going out of his way to act interested in other people. This is phony and always has a hidden price tag. The antisocial is always out to find out what he can get from other people, how he can manipulate them, use them, or control the situation to his own purpose.  

12. Fragmented Personality - "If I like it, okay; if not, to hell with it." It is very common for the antisocial to attend church on Sunday, and beat someone up, or con someone on Tuesday, and then attend church again on Wednesday. To the antisocial, there is no inconsistency in this behavior. He believes he is a good person, and is justified in whatever he does. His criminal acts are seen as things that he deserves to do, or get, or own, or possess, or control. He never considers the inconsistency between these behaviors.  

13. Minimizing - The antisocial often minimizes his behavior and actions by talking about it in such a way that is seems insignificant. This is not accounting for the significance of his behavior. Minimizing is particularly seen when the antisocial is confronted on some irresponsible behavior.  
Examples: "I only molested three children, and I could have molested a lot more, but I didn't." "I didn't hand in the paper when it was due, but I handed in everything else, so it's no big deal." 

14. Vagueness - The antisocial is typically unclear and non-specific to avoid being pinned down on a particular issue. He is non-committable, and uses words, phrases, and talks in a way to look good to others, but not to commit himself to anything.  
Examples: Vague words such as: "I more or less think so", "I guess", "probably", "maybe", "I might", "I'm not sure about this", "It possibly was", "if you want to", "it's up to you", "that's nice" etc.  

15. Anger - Anger is one of the only emotions the antisocial ever expresses. This is not real anger most of the time, (in fact 99% of the time), but is used to control others, or to use power in a situation. The antisocial has unrealistic expectation about the people in the world, and controls others and situations by aggression, blaming, isolation, giving up, power plays, anything he can do to freeze the situation and make it as he wishes.  

16. Power Plays  - The antisocial uses power plays whenever he isn't getting his way in a situation; such as walking out of a room during a disagreement, giving up responsibilities, or not completing a job that he agrees to do, refusing to listen or hear what someone else has to say, organizing people to be angry at others in his support.

17. Victim Playing - This is a major role that the antisocial takes. The underlying issue is aggression and power plays. However, the antisocial acts as if they are unable to think, solve problems, or do anything for themselves; they often whine, shuffle, look woebegone, helpless, as if they are too stupid to do anything for themselves. The belief is that if he doesn't get whatever he wants, he is the victim. Since the basic belief is that he is good and others are bad, he justifies his victim playing at all times. The position of victim playing is used to strike back and make fools of others. The victim player transacts with others to invite either criticism, or rescue, from those around him.  

18. Drama-Excitement - Since the antisocial does not live a real life in the sense of getting his needs met directly, he does anything and everything for drama and excitement instead. To the antisocial, boredom is the main evil. Excitement is generated at anyone's expense. Whereas other people may get involved in less-than-straight transactions with others in order to feel sad, or hurt, or self-righteous; the antisocial involves himself in activities for the sheer drama and excitement of this. It is seen as exciting, therefore, for an antisocial to watch other people be angry, to set up fights, watch houses burn, to get any kind of action going.  

19. Closed Channel - The antisocial is selective, closed-minded and self-righteous. The responsible person is open, receptive, and self critical. Part of the antisocials thinking is that he must keep part of his life secret, to divert issues. He believes that no one is smarter than him, and would never think that he is wrong in a situation.  

20. Ownership - "If I want it, it's mine." The antisocial believes that anything he wants - people, possessions are his simply by his wanting it. He is therefore jealous if anyone acts in some way that he dislikes. He treats people as pawns. He also uses his thinking to steal from others anything that he wants.  

21. Image - The antisocial's image of a true male is tough and rough and mean and puts other people down. He often has ideas of males as adventurers, cowboys, pirates, etc. The antisocial walks and talks in such a way to support his image - the other image the antisocial plays is that of the victim. The person walks and talks and acts in such a way to support his victim image.  

22. Grandiosity - Grandiosity is minimizing or maximizing the significance of an issue, and it justifies not solving the problem.  
Examples: "I was too scared to do anything else but sit." "I'm the best there is, no one else can get in my way."  

23. Procrastinate - To put off from day to day; to delay; to defer to a future time. To delay action.  
Example: "I will bring up the problem tomorrow. I just don't feel like discussing it now", "I'd do that later, when it's safe/ comfortable" 


COMMENTS
  nuntiagratia@gmail.com  2009-08-25 14:53:57 
do you by any chance know my husband?! lol from the description it is definitely him

THE ENERGY VAMPIRE

Narcissism is a force that is infiltrating the people in our society in great numbers. It is a self-absorbed energy that takes control of people and robs them of their ability to love or care about anyone else. Malignant Narcissism is found in people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! These people are destructive forces in our society. They are the energy vampires who take, take, take but never truly give! When in the presence of these energy vampires we slowly feel our life-force energy draining away! We become tired, and often lose ourselves in a big way! Narcissists are very manipulative, having mastered the art of manipulation. They know how to suck us into their distorted Web of reality and keep us there like prey, waiting to be consumed. If we knew what was happening, we could escape and detach our life-force from the narcissist. But most of us have no idea what is happening. Our energy is taken ever so slowly and we are caught unaware! In the end, it is often too late! We have already been sucked dry!  

Have you heard the story of the frog and the pot of boiling water? If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump out, however if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it to boiling it will die. Being with a narcissist is the slow boil! We are not aware that the temperature is ever so slowly increasing and we build up a resistance to it.

The result is the feeling of having just been raped on a very deep level.

It is a soul rape!

Like any person in an abusive relationship we develop coping mechanisms. We distort the truth just as the narcissist has. We believe what we want to believe! We believe what we need to believe for our own survival! It is typical we blame ourselves, after all we are the ones going crazy! They seem unaffected by our deteriorating self-worth and depreciating energy levels. To them it is just another reason to condemn us for not being enough. Eventually, however we do begin to get very angry at the narcissist! Our souls are rebelling! We know that something is wrong! We feel on some level they have taken something from us and we want it back! If this story feels or sounds familiar to you, it is likely you have been involved in a relationship with a narcissist. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with them. They believe the problem always lies outside of themselves and will always project their inner state of darkness upon those closest to them.

The worst kind of evil is the kind that comes with total lack of responsibility for ones actions and behavior! It is never their fault! Nothing is!

Even if they hit you or do something horrible towards you, it was your fault! You caused it! It was your behavior that led them to the dirty deed!

Because you are human, and willing to consider your own responsibility you may start to own his behavior. You may start to believe it is your fault and try harder to please him. However you will never win because there is no winning with a Narcissist. With a narcissist there is only win/lose, never win/win. They must always win at the expense of others. Does a narcissist know what he/she is doing? His reality is so distorted and dark that he cannot see his own actions and behavior as being anything out of the ordinary. He may realize he is different but that uniqueness is interpreted as “special”. He inflates his own sense of importance and worth to a point where he puts himself above others. He may appear as arrogant and anti-social. He has a need to be seen in a glorified light and will only give his attention to those who see him this way! As long as you praise the Narcissist and focus only on all of his wonderful traits you will be in his good favor.

If anyone close to him calls him on his behavior or dares confront him on his less than caring or considerate treatment of them he will quickly put that person in his/her place and which is NOT WORTHY of his company.

It is often difficult for Victims of narcissistic abuse to understand what has happened to them. They believe that the narcissist loved them and cared for them so it is quite a shock to see how easily he devalues and discards them when they truly begin to question the reality of the relationship.

As long as the “victim” plays along and doesn’t make waves, everything is fine! However any confrontation or questioning is likely to set off something called narcissistic rage!

Narcissistic rage is taken out on the victim in the form of harassment, threats, devaluing, discarding, smear campaigns and other forms of abuse meant to punish.

The Narcissist knows how to play upon our core feelings of shame and inadequacy. This is what he uses to control and manipulate us.

When we begin getting clever to his ways this is when he will completely discard us as having no further value in his life!

When we find ourselves at this point there is no avenue for completion or closure. We are not allowed to share our feelings, and there are a lot of them!

We are not allowed to talk things out or come to some sense of understanding as to what just happened! Instead we have been deemed worthless and thrown out completely!

Believing there was an actual loving relationship in place, we have a need to have some sense of completion with the person we were involved with. We want to talk things over and even have a sense that they care about the relationships ending! But there is normally no completion! The narcissist will either ignore that you have ended the relationship and continue on as if nothing happened, or he will simply discard you and start a relationship with someone else, often from your circle of friends so you are sure to witness it! The sad truth that you must eventually face is that there really was never a relationship! It was one sided! The narcissist never truly engaged on an emotional level with you! It may have seemed that he did. You may have memories of tears and emotional incidents around the relationship. That is because a narcissist will seem to react emotionally to your actions and you take it as a sign of caring. The truth of a narcissist is he is incapable of experiencing the very human qualities of compassion and empathy. This means he cannot imagine what you might be feeling or even care! It is all about him! He is hyper focused on what he is feeling and your feelings are of no importance to him! He projects his repressed emotions onto you and holds you responsible.

He will often accuse you of doing to him what he is doing to you!

Narcissism is a personality disorder that was formulated in childhood! We have a tendency to want to see a narcissist as “normal” but there is nothing normal about him. He is not operating in the same reality or anywhere near the same reality you are operating in. Your need to put him in the same reality is where you get stuck. You want to see him as a normal person capable of loving you and caring about you. This is the illusion you bought into and the only way to break out of the illusion is to recognize the truth! He doesn’t and never did really care about you! It is a difficult truth to swallow! We often feel very used! We come to recognize our roles in the narcissist’s life as nothing more than a source of fuel for the narcissistic fire. We are to him what blood is to a vampire! Our own sense of specialness is reduced to a complete sense of worthlessness. How did we get to a point where we feel so worthless? Well, over the months spent with a narcissist we slowly gave pieces of our soul away in attempt to stay in the good graces of the narcissist, which wasn’t an easy task. We were conditioned to ignore our own needs in favor of his. We gave and gave of ourselves until there was nothing more to give and at this point we began to ask for something in return or we ended the relationship. By this time we had been depleted of our life-force energy. This is truly what the energy vampire feeds off of. Like the frog in the pot of water we over compensate for the increasing heat by surrendering our own sense of reality to his distorted reality. We may say it’s getting hot in here and he convinces us it is really quite cool and asks us what is wrong with us. Instead of honoring our own interpretation of reality we forfeit it in favor of his. “Oh, he thinks it’s cool so maybe I’m just having a hot-flash!” The narcissist is very skilled at helping us disassemble our own sense of reality. He rewards us with positive feedback for admitting fault or surrendering to his version of reality. Since we are human creatures we respond to positive reinforcement. Over time we are unconsciously conditioned to give up our reality in exchange for positive re-enforcement. But underneath it all we are really angry with ourselves! We have given up our reality in favor of a distorted reality that truly makes no sense to us. We run around feeling hot, or angry, or confused and the narcissistic interpretation is that there is something wrong with us!

We don’t realize that the only thing wrong with us is that we are being brainwashed!

Once we do finally begin to wake up, the narcissist is usually well on his way to a new source of energy! We are left trying to unscramble the confused reality we are left with. We have to sort through all the pieces and figure out what is ours and what is his. Our mind and our reality have been confused for so long it takes a lot of unscrambling to finally get a sense of ourselves once again. I having gone through two relationships in a row with a narcissist. The reason I got involved with the second one is that I was still somewhat distorted and fragile in my sense of self-worth when I met the second one. This put me in a position of being ripe prey!

I was very vulnerable and narcissists love innocence and vulnerability!

The second relationship was a long awakening process. I actually used the situation to regain myself before I ever left. I slowly came to the realization I was in another narcissistic relationship although I didn’t want to admit it! But once I finally left I was armed with the one thing that helped me get myself back quickly ! Knowledge! I knew the game and I knew what he was doing to punish me. I knew the rules of non-engagement and I had spiritual tools to help me reclaim my soul! 

 FROM HERE