TWO SOCIOPATHS IN A POT

Haven't been able to even watch more than snippets of the current Presidential Debates.  I've known too many Narcissists and Sociopaths in my day and TRUMP is hitting every single button.

Another reason - YWL did the same stuff to and said the same stuff about me - and probably still does:

Here's some snippets of things said to me and others by YWL and things said by Trump recently;

• I never said that
• She's crazy
• That never happened
• She's fat/ugly/I wouldn't touch her/bang her (paraphrased)
• I didn't do that
• She's a liar
• Wrong
• She's a criminal (YWL meant me; Trump meant Clinton)

And the projection?  Ohhhhhh the projection.  

Anyone who listens to either of these guys needs to have their heads examined, in my opinion.

__________________________________________

Donald Trump: Profile Of A Sociopath

by Daniel Berger

With the Republican National Convention now completed, the question of whether Donald Trump would “pivot” to the general election and tone down his offensive and erratic behavior has been answered: absolutely not. In the aftermath of his angry, delusional acceptance speech and his subsequent actions (including his recent invitation to Vladimir Putin to commit cyber-espionage and his outrageous attacks on Khizr and Ghazala Khan), the question of Trump’s sanity from a clinical, psychological perspective must be raised.

Amazingly, given his erratic behavior for more than a year, the issue of Trump’s mental stability has received relatively little attention. The most comprehensive recent discussion of this subject was in the June issue of The Atlantic. There, a professional psychologist, Dan P. McAdams, provided a psychological profile of Trump for the purpose of assessing the potential impact of Trump’s personality on his possible presidency. McAdams’ portrayal of Trump was hardly flattering, but concluded that, although Trump’s personality is “extreme,” Trump was just as likely to be a good president as a bad one.

Unfortunately, McAdams’ analysis completely missed the point. The question is not whether Trump’s personality is “extreme.” Rather, it is whether he is disturbed in a psychological sense and, if so, whether his possible personality disorders could lead to disastrous consequences if he were to assume the vast powers of the U.S. Presidency.

“Amazingly, given his erratic behavior for more than a year, the issue of Trump’s mental stability has received relatively little attention.”

Given Trump’s obsessive focus on himself, his complete inability to tolerate criticism, his vindictiveness toward his opponents, his bullying and public insults, and his inappropriate and offensive public rhetoric, the disorder that comes most readily to mind is a narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissistic personality disorder is defined as a personality “characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.” It is classified as a cluster B personality disorder by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-5 of the American Psychiatric Association (“DSM”) which currently represents the most definitive compilation of mental disorders followed by the mental health profession in this country.

A narcissistic personality disorder can be accompanied by a large number of deleterious traits and behaviors including arrogance, callousness and envy, and is associated with a preoccupation with power, prestige and vanity. Other negative characteristics include “grandiosity” and “a distain and lack of empathy for others.” Worryingly, this condition is also characterized by exploitive behavior to achieve personal gain, exaggeration of skills and accomplishments and intolerance of the views of others. Pathological narcissism is also associated with derogation and insults of others and an inability to tolerate disagreements or criticisms.

Alternatively, Trump could also be suffering from an antisocial personality disorder. An antisocial personality disorder involves a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others and includes such negative characteristics as deceitfulness as indicated by repeated lying or conning and manipulation of others, aggressiveness, and consistent irresponsibility. A person suffering from an antisocial personality disorder is often referred to as a sociopath. According to the DSM-5, narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders overlap with each other including in terms of lack of remorse and disregard for the wishes, rights, and feelings of others and can even co-exist, as in narcissistic megalomania.

Based on his bombastic and erratic behavior over the last year, and what is known about Trump’s past (which McAdams and others have referred to), Trump exhibits characteristics of both types of personality disorders:

• He is a serial and compulsive (pathological) liar. PolitiFact named Trump the winner of its annual “Lie of the Year” Award in 2015 - - a competition which PolitiFact said “was not even close,” unquestionably in reference to the fact that it rated 72% of Trump’s public remarks about factual circumstances as false. Any further doubt about Trump’s capacity for truthfulness should be erased by even a cursory review of the website, Trumplies.com - - a vast compendium of misstatements, inaccuracies and outright falsehoods - - or his speech accepting the Republican nomination for president, or his defamation of Ted Cruz’s father in his first post-convention news conference or his recent statement to the New York Times about NATO which was reported the next day and which he categorically denied. The Times then released a verbatim transcript of its interview with Trump which clearly showed that his denial of earlier in the day was patently false.

• Trump’s dishonesty in his business dealings is shocking and unprecedented for a presidential candidate. Recently, the New York Times published an investigation about Donald Trump’s business dealings and discovered, inter alia, that Trump was a defendant in literally thousands of law suits primarily brought by service providers and vendors whom he failed to pay for services rendered to him or his business organizations. It is abundantly clear that failing/refusing to pay vendors is part of Trump’s business model. What type of reputable businessman - - with a shred of integrity - - would conduct business in such a manner? For this, and other reasons, several major financial institutions including JPMorgan Chase and Goldman Sachs flatly refuse to do business with Trump. Indeed, Trump’s reputation in business is as a scam artist; as Mitt Romney, the last candidate for president of the Republican Party, put it, Trump is a “con man” and “snake-oil salesman.” Readers should look no further than the allegations involved in the Trump “University” scandal to find serious support for Romney’s conclusions.

• There is overwhelming evidence that Trump cannot tolerate any form of criticism no matter how slight and that he is vindictive in the extreme. The confrontations that Trump had with reporters and news organizations during the primary process, particularly his weeks-long attack on Megyn Kelly are illustrative of this point, as is his shameful, despicable conformation with Khizr Khan and his wife. There is also evidence that has not been publicly disseminated that Trump has misused officers of the New York City Policy Department to retaliate against his perceived enemies in New York City and to harass and threaten the personal safety of his opponents.

• Trump never apologizes for any missteps or intemperate attacks and has demonstrated a remarkable lack of empathy for persons whom he has attacked, injured, or harmed. Numerous incidents, both recent and historical, establish Trump’s utter lack of either accountability or empathy.

• Trump has a fixation with the idea of “winners” and “losers” - - a frequent mantra of his campaign for the Presidency. Trump’s universe consists of “winners” and “losers” and Trump particularly focuses on losers - - which includes any opponent or person who disagrees with him. Losers are people who “deserve to lose,” a clear indication of his indifference to, and rationalization for, injuring or humiliating others.

• Trump’s angry, menacing Convention acceptance speech can only be regarded as delusional and demented and gave the appearance of the ravings of a lunatic. The arrogance and delusional nature of the mantra, “I alone,” repeated in his acceptance speech is a clear indication of the presence of both disorders.

• Trump’s reaction to protesters during the primaries and to critics at the Democratic National Convention by threatening their physical safety (“I want to hit them”; “They should be carried out on a stretcher”) is highly indicative of antisocial behavior.

• Although initially regarded benignly by the media as being “unconventional” (“This year is different”), Trump’s failure to conform to established norms for behavior in public and in running a national political campaign for president is also highly sociopathic.

Although a number of commentators on Trump’s mental state (including McAdams) have documented many characteristics of Trump’s possible personality disorders, they scrupulously refrain from exploring the strong possibility that Trump may be mentally disturbed in a clinical, psychological sense and the nature of such disturbances. They refer only obliquely to a possible narcissistic personality disorder by characterizing Trump’s behavior as “grandiose” in nature - - but without any further explanation. They also eschew any reference to Trump as a psychopath or a sociopath.

However, more important than the labels, these commentators fail to consider the potential adverse consequences, if a person like Trump were to acquire the powers of the modern U.S. presidency. Of prime consideration, the president is both Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and heads up the national security agencies responsible for both the internal and external security of the United States. These powers include control of the FBI, the NSA, the CIA, DHS, and other federal agencies, whose operations are largely carried out in secret. Most of the president’s national security powers are historically broad either in the form of inherent powers or as broadly delegated by Congress and, as a practical matter, are typically unreviewable by Congress or the courts, particularly in an emergency.

Predictions - - both good and bad - - as to the possible consequences of a Trump presidency are, of course, a matter of speculation at this point. McAdams, for example, implicitly concludes that, notwithstanding his personality flaws, Trump was just as likely to do good things as bad, citing the presidency of Andrew Jackson as a “populist” precedent.

However, even assuming that Jackson is a helpful historical analogy, McAdams never seriously considered the potential downside of a Trump presidency in light of his personality flaws. Given the strong possibility of one or more disorders in Trump’s personality, Trump represents an extraordinary danger and risk to the nation in the form of abuses of power.

This danger and this risk are not purely conjectural: Trump has already threatened to abuse these powers should he obtain them. The single most disqualifying action Trump has engaged in to date relates to Jeff Bezos and the Washington Post. In response to criticism by the Post and the possibility that a large number of its journalists have been tasked to investigate Trump’s past (as is true of any presidential candidate), Trump has indicated that should he become president, he will launch an IRS investigation of Bezos—the owner of the Post and CEO of Amazon—and an antitrust investigation of Amazon.

Use of federal agencies for political purposes by a president is a flat-out abuse of power and an impeachable offense punishable by removal from office. Indeed, Article III of the Impeachment Resolution that the House of Representatives passed against Richard Nixon in 1974 involved just such uses of the Department of Justice, the FBI, and the CIA. In other words, before even assuming office, Trump has threatened to engage in an abuse of power, rising to the level of an impeachable offense!

Under the circumstances it would be prudent to take Trump at his word and, at least, consider the possibility that he would engage in significant abuses of power, if he were elected. Given Trump’s evident ignorance of the complex constellation of policy issues facing the nation from both a domestic and international perspective, his apparent lack of understanding of the constitutional division and separation of powers between our three branches of government and, given his personality flaws and/or disorders, it would not only be foolish, but foolhardy, to turn over the powers of the U.S. presidency to Trump.

In this light, and faced with this reality, all persons of good will who care about the future of the country should do everything within reason to prevent Trump from obtaining these powers.

SOURCE

IT'S SEXUAL ASSAULT

Lying to get someone into bed is sexual assault

People often tell little lies in the early stages of dating to impress a possible partner.
But at what point do those lies add up to fraud?

Joyce Short, who has experienced this first hand, thinks that lying to get into bed with someone is sexual assault by fraud.

She would like to see the laws in the United States change and is currently working with to bring these types of sexual assault cases to court in New York state.

"When you lie to a person in order to engage them in sexual action, you're sexually assaulting that person, you're not seducing them." - Joyce Short

Here in Canada, consent is sometimes disregarded by the court, for reasons of fraud. Most of these cases involve HIV non-disclosure. Some other cases have been brought to court, but these are few and far between.


"Very few people will ever go to jail due to sexual assault by fraud lie... There are two important elements that make it difficult to prosecute any of these cases...One of them is that the person them self [the victim] has to behave in a reasonable fashion, and this is true in all fraud law... The other important element is that you need significant proof."

Joyce says that because online dating is a popular way to hook up, many fraudulent sexual relationships are beginning online. The upside to this is gathering sufficient proof against someone to use in court is now easier.

"Fraud is defined by the following terms: You lie, you know that you're lying, you expect the person to believe your lie, they indeed believed your lie and they suffered harm as a result of your actions because you've lied to them" - Joyce Short

But it was long before the days of online dating when Joyce herself was tricked into a relationship built on false pretences — a marriage that lasted three and a half years and included a child.


"The information that I received lead me to have a concept of this person that was completely different than he actually was. It was sort of like what happened in Mad Men when the person pretended to be Donald Draper and in fact he was Dick Whitman."

She says it is up to the individual to screen potential lovers before getting into bed with them.

"I believe that people should think twice about using dating sites.I believe that before they go to bed with a person, and I don't mean the minute before they go to bed with the person...they need to check this person's identification."

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/the180/porn-is-for-all-of-us-the-tricky-relationship-between-trees-and-crime-and-maple-washing-has-to-end-1.3750507/opinion-lying-to-get-someone-into-bed-is-sexual-assault-1.3754844

AND HE CONTINUES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON

11 Lies Love Bombing Narcissists, Sociopaths (and Salesmen/Marketers) Tell

(Almost didn't recognize him without his d**k in his hands)

(YWL used these on ALL his victims and now uses them on his blog readers)

"If only we could acquire a lie detector that fit easily into our coat pocket.  Then, we would be alerted to the narcissist’s frequent falsehoods.  But alas, until those are made available, we must continue to unite against these predators through education.

Common Lies of Love Bombing
Narc Speak:

• I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
• I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
• No one understands me like you do.
• You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.
• You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
• My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
• You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
• I think I love you.  I think I want to marry you.
• I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
• We have so much in common.
• He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.

Deciphering the Lies
Wikipedia defines Love Bombing as an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.  It’s a manipulative tactic used commonly by cult leaders and abusive predators in romantic or other intimate relationships.  Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate.  It also appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.


Love is the most sought after human need.  So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to analyze the reasons ‘why’ for fear of losing what they’ve desperately been longing for.  In due course, the target becomes blindly dependent on their abuser; all while being hammered into submission.

Black Hole of False Love
Love Bombing includes not only the above phrases, but also over-the-top gestures of attention.  This plays out in the form of constant calls and text messages, gifts, flowers, invites to meet his family, requests to move in together, and splashing your social media sites with cutesy, flirty messages.  Of course, these are all behaviors of people who are courting one another…but not after one date.


In predatory terms, it’s called going in for the kill.  So how can you detect when this is happening and avoid becoming a Narcissist’s target?  Let’s examine the step-by-step process from the Narcissist’s point of view:

First, they have lost their previous source of supply.  Either their former partner left or the Narcissist is in the discard phase of the previous relationship.  Since narcs cannot function independently, they experience an urgent need to replace their partner.  This is why you will find them with a new companion in a very short amount of time.  Sadly, victims who’ve been discarded suffer very low self-esteem when they discover their abuser has found someone new, when the fact is, the Narc has love-bombed a fresh candidate in order to secure a new source of livelihood.  Don’t be fooled by the imaginary happiness of the Narc with his new supply. 


Narcs don’t view people as individuals.  They view them in terms of whether or not they will be reliable supply.


Next, the Narcissist will appear to be an exact mirror of the new target, which in this case is you.  Narcs don’t possess a fundamental inner-self, so they mimic that of their potential supply.  This explains why they appear to be soul-mate material.  The truth of the matter, though, is that the Narcissist targets people with positive energy, a good job, resources, intelligence, and the like.  They couldn’t care less about you as a person.  See how this is a recurring theme?


Lastly, a true connection with a potential partner is made through getting to know someone and creating a meaningful friendship.  No one falls in love in three days.  But, the energy it takes to secure new supply is exhausting, so the Narcissist wants to ensure his efforts pay off in as little time as possible.  Instant gratification is the game…and you’re it.


It’s important to note that these statements could very well be made by partners in a genuine relationship.


 However, there should be an element of balance.  If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag.  A relationship with a Narcissist is based on deceit.  The love and affection aren’t real, and they will never be.  At least, not from their side.  The only time you will witness these desired behaviors is when the Narcissist thinks you might leave.  You’ll also discover that when you’re back under his control, he becomes his true self again…an abusive, lying cult leader with you as his devoted disciple.



Infamous Love Bombers:
Charles Manson
David Koresh
Ted Bundy
John Wayne Gacy
YWL


http://letmereach.com/2014/01/19/exposed-11-lies-love-bombing-narcissists-tell/

"SHE CLAIMS I HURT HER!"

Yes. YWL posted that same comment a lot of places saying his abuse of me was merely claims on my part.  As if I have no proof...

Whatcha claiming lately?

Typical sociopath minimizing.  Anyone who says claims of abuse are false HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE

#ifmywoundswerevisible

Um... YWL?

REBUKE: ITS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

By Rev. Renee Pittelli

SPEAK UP FOR THOSE WHO CANNOT SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES, FOR THE RIGHTS OF ALL WHO ARE DESTITUTE. SPEAK UP AND JUDGE FAIRLY: DEFEND THE RIGHTS OF THE POOR AND NEEDY -- Proverbs 31: 8-9

DO NOT HATE YOUR BROTHER IN YOUR HEART. REBUKE YOUR NEIGHBOR FRANKLY SO YOU WILL NOT SHARE IN HIS GUILT -- Leviticus 19: 17

MEN OF PERVERSE HEART SHALL BE FAR FROM ME: I WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EVIL. WHOEVER SLANDERS HIS NEIGHBOR IN SECRET, HIM WILL I PUT TO SILENCE;

WHOEVER HAS HAUGHTY EYES AND A PROUD HEART, HIM WILL I NOT ENDURE NO ONE WHO PRACTICES DECEIT WILL DWELL IN MY HOUSE; NO ONE WHO SPEAKS FALSELY WILL STAND IN MY PRESENCE. EVERY MORNING I WILL PUT TO SILENCE ALL THE WICKED IN THE LAND: I WILL CUT OFF EVERY EVILDOER FROM THE CITY OF THE LORD -- Psalm 101: 4-5, 7-8

REBUKE: (v) TO CRITICIZE SHARPLY, TO REPROVE SEVERELY; TO REPRIMAND.

(n) AN EXPRESSION OF STRONG DISAPPROVAL

“SON OF MAN, I HAVE MADE YOU A WATCHMAN FOR THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL: SO HEAR THE WORD I SPEAK AND GIVE THEM WARNING FROM ME. WHEN I SAY TO THE WICKED, ‘O WICKED MAN, YOU WILL SURELY DIE,’ AND YOU DO NOT SPEAK OUT TO DISUADE HIM FROM HIS WAYS, THAT WICKED MAN WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, AND I WILL HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS BLOOD. BUT IF YOU DO WARN THE WICKED MAN TO TURN FROM HIS WAYS AND HE DOES NOT DO SO, HE WILL DIE FOR HIS SIN, BUT YOU WILL HAVE SAVED YOURSELF AS SURELY AS I LIVE, “ DECLARES THE SOVEREIGN LORD, “I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN THE DEATH OF THE WICKED, BUT RATHER THAT THEY TURN FROM THEIR WAYS AND LIVE. TURN! TURN FROM YOUR EVIL WAYS! WHY WILL YOU DIE, O HOUSE OF ISRAEL?” -- Ezekiel 33: 7-9, 11.

Wow, the Lord can’t make it any clearer than that! If ever we had any doubts that God wants us to take a stand and speak up against evil, this passage should remove them. The Lord tells us that WE SIN when we remain silent about wrongdoing. God tells us that we are doing an offender a FAVOR by rebuking her. Offenders themselves may not see it that way, but quite frankly, their opinion doesn’t matter.  

Although we hesitate and sometimes don’t know quite what to say, rebuking a wrongdoer isn’t really that complicated. Rebuke is simply making a statement directly to the offender. It is saying to him, “What you’re doing is wrong, and I don’t condone it”, or “What you did was wrong, and you need to be accountable for it.”

Rebuke is not condemnation, rebuke is CORRECTION. It is teaching, pointing someone in the right direction, showing him, by our disapproval of his behavior, what is appropriate and acceptable. When we rebuke, we are warning a wicked person. We are giving him a chance to change his ways and save his soul. God WANTS him to turn from evil. He does not want anyone to continue sinning and be condemned to hell. Therefore, he assigns us a divine mandate to REBUKE when we see evil being committed.

So why are we so reluctant to speak up? Maybe we never thought of it as being on a Mission From God before. Yet, that is what it is. Our mission is to turn as many souls to the Lord and away from the devil as possible. And rebuke is the God-given tool by which we will do that.

Unfortunately, few wicked people, or “fools” will turn from their sin, but the Bible tells us that righteous people will appreciate our rebuke and heed us. By rebuking, we can help good people to see the error of their ways, avoid destructive or hurtful behavior, grow in the Lord, and walk more closely with God.

REBUKE A WISE MAN AND HE WILL LOVE YOU,. INSTRUCT A WISE MAN AND HE WILL BE WISER STILL; TEACH A RIGHTEOUS MAN AND HE WILL ADD TO HIS LEARNING -- Proverbs 9: 8-9.

HE WHO REBUKES A MAN WILL IN THE END GAIN MORE FAVOR THAN HE WHO HAS A FLATTERING TONGUE -- Proverbs 28:23.

FLOG A MOCKER, AND THE SIMPLE WILL LEARN PRUDENCE: REBUKE A DISCERNING MAN, AND HE WILL GAIN KNOWLEDGE -- Proverbs 19: 25.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD IS THE BEGINNING OF KNOWLEDGE, BUT FOOLS DESPISE WISDOM AND DISCIPLINE -- Proverbs 1:7.

This is a Biblical version of “You can’t win them all”, but we’re still supposed to try.

Rebuking is different from setting limits or boundaries. We set boundaries on FUTURE behavior, but we rebuke PAST or PRESENT behavior. We usually rebuke ONGOING behavior, but we might also rebuke a one-time offense which caused pain for us or someone else.

Many times rebuking goes hand-in-hand with setting boundaries. After we have rebuked an offender for something they have already done, or are doing on a continual basis, we then set limits on what we will tolerate from then on. The rebuke is the first step in letting someone know that their actions or words are unacceptable and will not be condoned. The boundaries are the next step, to make clear what is or is not acceptable in the future. Rebuking can be described as “speaking the truth in love”. BOTH TRUTH AND LOVE are equally important.

Being loving does not mean that we cover up, whitewash, avoid, or deny speaking the truth. And telling it like it is does not mean we are not loving, although offenders will often try to make us feel guilty for doing so. Speaking the truth is stating, quite simply and clearly, what the offender has done, that his behavior is unacceptable, and what the results of his actions or words were, including pain inflicted on someone else. Since we did not cause the pain, describing it and stating the facts is nothing for US to feel guilt over.

Speaking the truth plainly does not mean we cannot do it with love. We need to at least start out with a spirit of reconciliation and the hope of resolving the problem. Whether this is possible or not is not solely up to us, but will depend upon the offender’s reaction to our rebuke. Our only obligation is to live in peace with others.  

However, God realizes that it is not always possible to live in peace with everybody because it does not always depend on US, and we need to realize that, too. We are not responsible for an abuser’s negative reaction to our rebuke or his refusal to listen to rebuke. We are only responsible to rebuke him in the first place. If he refuses to repent and change his ways, our responsibility ends and we are released from any obligation to continue the relationship under those circumstances. In fact, at this point, the Bible tells us to have nothing further to do with him. Rebuking with love does not mean we must be passive, wishy-washy, reluctant, or even calm when we rebuke.

How we approach rebuking an offender has more to do with HIS nature than ours. We need to adapt our approach to the offender’s personality and character. With some people, we will need to take a mild, although firm, approach, because anything stronger will overwhelm or devastate them. These people are usually not chronic abusers, as chronic abusers usually have much thicker skins, but are perhaps thoughtless or inconsiderate. Blasting them with both barrels would be very hurtful and counterproductive. We may wind up doing far more damage to the relationship than the original offense did.

Approaching them in a calm, laid-back manner and with a spirit of cooperation will give us the best chance for restoring the relationship to one that we can all be happy with. This is the best possible scenario, where everyone involved acts out of love, so that everyone’s feelings can be validated and hurtful behavior will stop.
Unfortunately, at the other extreme is the malicious abuser - the one whose behavior is outrageous and destructive - the one who betrayed you - the psychopath who couldn’t care less about anybody but herself- the one who makes your life, and probably everyone else’s, a living hell. This is not the type of offender you pussy-foot around. You are never going to get anywhere with such a person by being gentle and low-key. You will probably have no choice but to raise your voice just to be heard. This is the time to break out the big guns, make sure your rebuke is very strong, and make your disapproval of his behavior loud and clear. Allow yourself some righteous anger, and allow that anger to show.

Now none of this means that you don’t love your relative anyway - indeed, you are putting yourself through all this turmoil just to make your relationship better. It simply means that your relative’s stubborn, stiff-necked, or unloving nature makes it necessary for your rebuke to be powerful. Anything less, and this abuser will just steamroll right over you, and nothing will be accomplished at all. I smile when I try to imagine one of us having the courage to call even downright wicked people. It seems we try so hard to voice our complaints about someone’s mistreatment the “peaceful” way, even though that rarely gets us anywhere with true abusers. One way of looking at it is that with some people, you might as well prepare yourself because there is no way, no matter how nicely you try to approach them, that you are not going to wind up in a big fight anyhow. This is THEIR doing, NOT yours.

Getting all huffy and insulted and starting an argument when you try to reason with him is an abuser’s way of diverting your attention from the real issue, so he can avoid having to apologize or agree to any change in his behavior. In fact, if he’s really good at his little act, he’ll wind up getting YOU to apologize for upsetting him! This will also guarantee that in the future, you’ll be reluctant to ever again bring up anything else you might need to get resolved with him.

YOUR challenge, on the other hand, with a “professional” abuser, is to turn the tables on his strategy, and to make the confrontation so unpleasant for HIM that HE’LL be the one who is reluctant to rattle YOUR cage again. If you succeed, there actually is a chance that you’ll be able to resume a reasonably pleasant relationship with this person, because, if nothing else, at least he’ll have some respect for you and hopefully be more careful about ignoring your boundaries in the future. 

If you can get him to censor what he says and does around you in the future, your interactions will at least be tolerable, should you choose to continue in the relationship, and whatever it takes to accomplish that should be tried. Again, although it is not the first and best choice, you can still love your relative and rebuke her severely if her own hard-hearted nature makes it necessary. When rebuking a fellow believer, by all means, point out what the Bible says about his behavior. 

It is very important to lovingly show him how his sin will separate him from God. The one you are rebuking may very well believe you are not being loving, and may accuse you of “harshness”, “attacking” her, etc. But just because she feels unloved at this particular time, does not mean it is true. You can tell her you are sorry she feels that way but that doesn’t change the fact that what she did was wrong and you do not accept it. Such a reaction is the result of her own pridefulness and the shame she feels at being confronted with her unacceptable behavior. Rather than learn from your rebuke and repent, she chooses to try and turn it around to make YOU feel guilty for speaking up to her. An abuser’s negative reaction does not mean we are wrong for rebuking her. Her reaction really doesn’t matter. It is not our job to make her happy at the price of turning a blind eye to her wrongdoing. 

Our only obligation is to be obedient to the Lord and stand up and confront wickedness as he has told us to do. Here are some examples of rebuke in some common situations. First, I have given the mild version (A), and secondly, the more forceful version of these examples (B), for when the milder versions won’t work. These are just examples of dialog to demonstrate how rebuke might sound. The possible situations which might call for rebuke are endless and it is impossible to give exact examples to cover every circumstance, but I hope to give you some ideas as a jumping-off point:

(A)It was wrong of you to keep that money when the clerk gave you too much change. What if it comes out of the clerk’s pocket? You need to give it back.

(B)It is dishonest of you not to return that money. That’s stealing! Since when are you a thief? I’m ashamed of you!

(A)You embarrassed me when you told Aunt Marge about my marital problems. You broke a confidence and now I feel as if I can’t trust you anymore. (

B)How dare you tell anyone my personal business? It’s not your place to talk about me to others. If I want anyone to know my business, I’ll tell them myself!  

(A)I know you don’t realize this,, but your behavior is inappropriate and your judgment is poor when you’ve been drinking. So you cannot be with my children if you’ve had a drink.

(B)Being drunk in front of the kids is totally unacceptable! You are never to drink in their presence again!

(A)I don’t like it when you raise your voice to me. Let’s stop this conversation now and pick it up again after we’ve both calmed down.

(B)I am another adult, not a naughty child you think you can yell at. From now on, you will address me with respect, is that clear?

(A)Maybe you didn’t mean to hurt Sally’s feelings, but what you said to her sounded a lot like criticism. I think you owe her an apology. (

B)Sometimes you say very hurtful things and you need to keep that in check when talking to Sally. No one really wants to hear your criticism. You need to apologize to her for what you said,.

(A)Let’s try and make our get-togethers enjoyable for both of us. I don’t want to spend our time together listening to you evaluate me, so please stop.

(B)If you are going to be judgmental of my life, then you need to keep your opinions to yourself. What I do is none of your business!

(A)How could you say that about Ellen? You know that’s not true. You need to go back and set the record straight.

(B)Why did you pass malicious gossip around about Ellen? You are a liar! She never did what you said, and she never did anything to deserve such treatment from you. I will not let you get away with hurting her reputation. You need to go back and admit to everyone that you just made it up!

(A)You know, Joe, you can’t always have what you want when you want it. You need to be a little patient.

(B)You know, Joe, you seem to think you’re the only one who’s waiting for this. Stop being so selfish and wait your turn like everybody else!

(A)Mom, sometimes you have to take other people’s wishes into consideration.

(B)Mom, you are being very demanding and selfish. It’s not all about you. Try to have a little consideration for somebody else for a change.

Sometimes, there are situations in which the behavior is just so wrong that a mild rebuke would be inappropriate. These are times we need to be direct and tell the offender in plain language that he is WRONG! Only forceful rebuke fits certain circumstances:

You used my apartment to cheat on your wife? How dare you involve me in your adultery! I will not be a party to this. Give me my key back now- you’re not welcome here anymore!

I know you beat Jessie up. Your behavior is deplorable. You need psychiatric help! Stay away from me and my family!

No, I’m not your friend since you were convicted of child molestation. I don’t have friends who are child- molesters! I have to have SOME standards- What’s next, serial killers?

How can you have anything to do with Jim now that he’s in prison for raping your daughter? That’s disgusting! As long as you continue to support the pervert who raped your own child, I will have nothing to do with you!

You stole money from your sister?! That is disgraceful and despicable! What kind of lowlife are you?

Mild or forceful, rebuke of a truly wicked person has little chance of actually working. The Bible tells us not to bother rebuking fools who will not listen. The point of rebuke is to correct and help turn from sin those who will listen, and to at least stand up to the evil of those who will not. The Lord’s judgment is righteous and perfect and all who continue in their evil ways will be punished. Our job is to rebuke wrongdoers, for their own sakes, and to try to influence them to repent. But God does not tell us to try forever - once we have given an offender fair warning that his behavior is wrong, then if he remains stubborn and continues in his sin, we are to give up and let him be. The Lord will deal with him after that.

HE WHO HEEDS DISCIPLINE SHOWS THE WAY TO LIFE, BUT WHOEVER IGNORES CORRECTION LEADS OTHERS ASTRAY -- Proverbs 10:17.

HE WHO LISTENS TO A LIFE-GIVING REBUKE WILL BE AT HOME AMONG THE WISE. HE WHO IGNORES DISCIPLINE DESPISES HIMSELF, BUT WHOEVER HEEDS CORRECTION GAINS UNDERSTANDING -- Proverbs 15: 31-32.

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