Showing posts with label escorts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label escorts. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2023
Thursday, January 12, 2023
The Courage of Confrontation and Accountability Contrasted with the Hostility of Accusation and Blame
by Michele Toomey, PhD
michele@mtoomey.com
A confrontation takes courage for many reasons, not the least of which is the self-revelation it requires. In a confrontation, we make a deliberate decision to reveal in an honest, straight forward way, how something has affected us.
Accountability is an essential ingredient in a confrontation. It keeps the confrontation honest and fair. To be accountable is to claim one's part and in the claiming to begin to understand what needs to change in order to interact fairly and respectfully. If a confrontation is successful, the honest accountability and the clarity it brings, will move things in such a way that the issue at hand can be dealt with differently. Greater understanding of what's going on for both the confronter and the confronted will lead to greater respect and care for their feelings. This, of course, yields an intimacy that allows relationships to become a special gift to be treasured.
Confrontation requires courage but it can yield the very desired results of deep intimacy with true caring and mutual respect. Since a confrontation calls for exposing a deeper level of one's self in an interaction, it addresses what's going on for a person underneath the words being spoken. It is not a conversation about the content of what is being said, but about one's relationship to what is being said. It begins by having the confronter reveal the underlying thoughts and feelings she/he had in response to what was said or done, and then moves to the one being confronted. The one being confronted is then called on to respond on that same level, and reveal what was going on for him/her when the exchange took place. As the conversation goes back and forth on this deeper level, each person continues to claim what was going on for them and be accountable for how they expressed themselves when unspoken thoughts and feelings were being triggered by the exchange. The conversation goes back and forth with revealing, claiming and accountability on each person's part, providing clarity and understanding of what was going on for each person. The confrontation ends with accountability being established for the thoughts and feelings and words and behaviors that contributed to the confusion, hurt, anger or fear experienced by either person. As an outgrowth of the clarity that comes from claiming what was going on underneath the words or the behavior being confronted, a certain intimacy occurs between the persons participating in the confrontation. They have communicated on a deeper level, closer to their core, and they are better known to each other as a result of the confrontation.
Future encounters should reflect what has been understood and learned from the confrontation. There should be accountability marked by mutual respect for what has occurred. This sets the stage for further encounters that are not as potentially stressful or hurtful, and not as dependent on intimidation or blame. Accountability calls for claiming with respect and fair play whatever goes on, went on in the past, or occurs in the future. It does not stop with one confrontation, it only begins there.
In contrast, an accusation rips away at the other person's layers of protection and attributes bad motives to what lies underneath. The purpose is to blame, judge and punish. It yields defensiveness and guilt, and has neither fairness or respect in it. Instead of an exchange, it is an attack. Battle lines are drawn and casualties occur. Rather than an encounter between equals, it is a power struggle to establish the superiority of the victor and the inferiority of the defeated. Someone wins and someone loses. Righteous indignation rather than respectful exploration characterizes an accusatory attack. Intimacy and clarity are never an outgrowth of such antagonism. In an accusation, attack and blame call forth defensiveness and counter attack. Ridicule, sarcasm and anger are the weapons, and the encounter leaves the embattled participants gloating or guilty. If guilty, then there is shame and punishment to deal with, not accountability and integrity. Communication is not the purpose of accusation and communication does not transpire. Altercation does. It is, therefore, not acceptable to rely on accusation and blame to protect ourselves from feelings of hurt, confusion, fear or anger.
However, neither is it acceptable to just ignore what we are feeling and then build up resentment and walls. The withdrawal that results from not addressing unresolved feelings is also a hostile act. It is both hostile to the one withdrawing and to the one being withdrawn from, because it closes the door to one's self and to others at a time when conversation to resolve the feelings needs to take place. Intimacy can not occur when unresolved feelings are left unaddressed and a protective distance behind a silent stony wall separates the self from itself and from others. The barrier is not a friendly one. It is meant to keep something and someone out. Feeling shut out and shut off when the integrity of our system calls for being connected and flowing in and out means our system is violated by the withdrawal of communication within ourselves. It also means that the other relevant person who is being shut out is being violated as well. There can be no understanding or intimacy without communication and the alienation that occurs with a "shut out" is uncomfortable or even painful if the person values intimacy. Unfortunately, a withdrawer has had to shut itself down in order to find safety in withdrawal. It may seem to the withdrawers that there is no price to shutting down, but what they will one day discover is that they are no longer able to be present.
That is a painful outcome. They are, therefore,eventually only a shell of themselves, alienated, never intimate with any depth of intensity because they have systematically shut themselves off to their own intensity. The first violation of shutting down, therefore, is to the self who shuts down. The subsequent violation, however, is to the other who desires intimacy with the withdrawn person. Withdrawal is the ultimate weapon. No intimacy can occur as long as the withdrawer stays withdrawn. The only recourse is to withdraw as well. This resolves the issue, but at a great cost, an alienating distance that cannot be bridged by anyone but the one who chose it, leaving others powerless. It is, therefore, in our best interest to learn to confront and to be confronted, and to be accountable and demand accountability. We can then experience intimacy with ourselves and others in a way that fulfills our greatest need, the need for knowing and being known, for caring and being cared for, and for feeling a true sense of belonging and intimacy. Neither accusation or withdrawal will provide this. So once again life takes courage. In this instance, the courage to confront.
http://www.mtoomey.com/courage.html
We are always vulnerable when we reveal how we have reacted to something that has been said or done to us. Sharing our reflections on what we are thinking and feeling as we ponder our reactions is a very intimate process. It means leaving ourselves unprotected as we tell the person we are confronting how they have hurt, angered, intimidated, insulted, or disappointed us.
If they cannot hear what we are saying without getting defensive and attacking us, we are vulnerable to their hostile reaction. If, on the other hand, they treat the information we've shared in a respectful way, an exchange can take place and self-revealing by both the confronter and the confronted can lead to greater understanding of each other. Needless to say, we would hope the latter response would occur, but, the risk is there and the uncertainty is another reason why we need courage to confront. The potentially hot situation of confronting another can easily backfire or explode. Both the confronter and the confronted must be willing to reveal and claim why they said and/or did certain things that are hard to claim. Both must be courageous and honest and dare let go of their defensiveness or any other self-protective mechanism as they dare reveal themselves so they can understand and be understood. They must reveal what was going on for them that prompted them to say or do what they did. A confrontation is an encounter that takes place on fair grounds between equals, and it requires that both the confronter and the one being confronted expose what they were thinking and feeling when the exchange took place and be accountable for those thoughts and feelings. Accountability is an essential ingredient in a confrontation. It keeps the confrontation honest and fair. To be accountable is to claim one's part and in the claiming to begin to understand what needs to change in order to interact fairly and respectfully. If a confrontation is successful, the honest accountability and the clarity it brings, will move things in such a way that the issue at hand can be dealt with differently. Greater understanding of what's going on for both the confronter and the confronted will lead to greater respect and care for their feelings. This, of course, yields an intimacy that allows relationships to become a special gift to be treasured.
Confrontation requires courage but it can yield the very desired results of deep intimacy with true caring and mutual respect. Since a confrontation calls for exposing a deeper level of one's self in an interaction, it addresses what's going on for a person underneath the words being spoken. It is not a conversation about the content of what is being said, but about one's relationship to what is being said. It begins by having the confronter reveal the underlying thoughts and feelings she/he had in response to what was said or done, and then moves to the one being confronted. The one being confronted is then called on to respond on that same level, and reveal what was going on for him/her when the exchange took place. As the conversation goes back and forth on this deeper level, each person continues to claim what was going on for them and be accountable for how they expressed themselves when unspoken thoughts and feelings were being triggered by the exchange. The conversation goes back and forth with revealing, claiming and accountability on each person's part, providing clarity and understanding of what was going on for each person. The confrontation ends with accountability being established for the thoughts and feelings and words and behaviors that contributed to the confusion, hurt, anger or fear experienced by either person. As an outgrowth of the clarity that comes from claiming what was going on underneath the words or the behavior being confronted, a certain intimacy occurs between the persons participating in the confrontation. They have communicated on a deeper level, closer to their core, and they are better known to each other as a result of the confrontation.
Future encounters should reflect what has been understood and learned from the confrontation. There should be accountability marked by mutual respect for what has occurred. This sets the stage for further encounters that are not as potentially stressful or hurtful, and not as dependent on intimidation or blame. Accountability calls for claiming with respect and fair play whatever goes on, went on in the past, or occurs in the future. It does not stop with one confrontation, it only begins there.
In contrast, an accusation rips away at the other person's layers of protection and attributes bad motives to what lies underneath. The purpose is to blame, judge and punish. It yields defensiveness and guilt, and has neither fairness or respect in it. Instead of an exchange, it is an attack. Battle lines are drawn and casualties occur. Rather than an encounter between equals, it is a power struggle to establish the superiority of the victor and the inferiority of the defeated. Someone wins and someone loses. Righteous indignation rather than respectful exploration characterizes an accusatory attack. Intimacy and clarity are never an outgrowth of such antagonism. In an accusation, attack and blame call forth defensiveness and counter attack. Ridicule, sarcasm and anger are the weapons, and the encounter leaves the embattled participants gloating or guilty. If guilty, then there is shame and punishment to deal with, not accountability and integrity. Communication is not the purpose of accusation and communication does not transpire. Altercation does. It is, therefore, not acceptable to rely on accusation and blame to protect ourselves from feelings of hurt, confusion, fear or anger.
However, neither is it acceptable to just ignore what we are feeling and then build up resentment and walls. The withdrawal that results from not addressing unresolved feelings is also a hostile act. It is both hostile to the one withdrawing and to the one being withdrawn from, because it closes the door to one's self and to others at a time when conversation to resolve the feelings needs to take place. Intimacy can not occur when unresolved feelings are left unaddressed and a protective distance behind a silent stony wall separates the self from itself and from others. The barrier is not a friendly one. It is meant to keep something and someone out. Feeling shut out and shut off when the integrity of our system calls for being connected and flowing in and out means our system is violated by the withdrawal of communication within ourselves. It also means that the other relevant person who is being shut out is being violated as well. There can be no understanding or intimacy without communication and the alienation that occurs with a "shut out" is uncomfortable or even painful if the person values intimacy. Unfortunately, a withdrawer has had to shut itself down in order to find safety in withdrawal. It may seem to the withdrawers that there is no price to shutting down, but what they will one day discover is that they are no longer able to be present.
That is a painful outcome. They are, therefore,eventually only a shell of themselves, alienated, never intimate with any depth of intensity because they have systematically shut themselves off to their own intensity. The first violation of shutting down, therefore, is to the self who shuts down. The subsequent violation, however, is to the other who desires intimacy with the withdrawn person. Withdrawal is the ultimate weapon. No intimacy can occur as long as the withdrawer stays withdrawn. The only recourse is to withdraw as well. This resolves the issue, but at a great cost, an alienating distance that cannot be bridged by anyone but the one who chose it, leaving others powerless. It is, therefore, in our best interest to learn to confront and to be confronted, and to be accountable and demand accountability. We can then experience intimacy with ourselves and others in a way that fulfills our greatest need, the need for knowing and being known, for caring and being cared for, and for feeling a true sense of belonging and intimacy. Neither accusation or withdrawal will provide this. So once again life takes courage. In this instance, the courage to confront.
http://www.mtoomey.com/courage.html
Thursday, December 8, 2022
STALKER... or "JUST LOOKIN'?"
Just a couple weeks after [YWL]s extramarital activities were found out and we had our "falling out" (he never contacted me after threatening me, never tried to speak with me or explain... I guess that's his definition of ...uh ...falling out), I was checking the hit meter for my personal blog. I stopped short. My PTSD anxiety hit the gas. I was actually shaking. I was being watched. Yes, me - the "stalker"! I was being stalked! By YWL.
I double and tripled checked and sent it to a geek friend and yes, he was on my blog. Regularly - maybe once a week at least. I told my counselor, who knew I loved writing and having a blog. She advised me to find a way to block him from my blog if it was so triggering to me. I didn't want to take it down and start over.
I have been blogging since 2002. I really had nothing to hide. Unfortunately, my blog platform does not yet allow for IP blocking. Finally I decided to take down my blog for 36 hrs and posted this:
************************
from my blog, barbarany9
Apologies to my other readers & visitors while I face a personal situation head on here. Scroll down for my usual blog fare. Hi [YWL ] I know you are coming here.... looks like Saturdays after or before Shul.
Domain Name optonline.net ? (Network)
IP Address 24.47.134.# (Optimum Online (Cablevision Systems)) ISP Optimum Online (Cablevision Systems)
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : XXX
City : XXXX
Operating System Microsoft WinXP
Browser Firefox 2.0 Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.8.1.3) Gecko/20070309 Firefox/2.0.0.3 Javascript disabled
ARIN location: XXX XXX Drive, XXXXXX XXXX, XX 11XXX
Time of Visit Mar 26 2005 9:50:07 am
Last Page View Mar 26 2005 9:55:17 am
Please read on. I have so many questions: but one big one - since you found me so disgusting, pathetic and unworthy what did you want to find out with this search? :
Referring URL
http://www.google.co...BARBARANY_9&btnG=Search Search Engine: google.com Search Words: barbarany_9
- Do you feel better now that you know every forum or site I may be on?
- Who's the REAL stalker here?
- Does it make you feel good to see the pain & agony you have caused me?
- That I am spending time still trying to unravel myself?
- Are you still wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself or blaming me and calling me a stalker?
- Have you checked if its really me who's doing it?
I hope you get help. Ongoing, long term help. This had nothing to do with jealousy or obsession - but with doing the right thing.
I had a feeling about Julie's brothel and your online sex-partner ads long before - I kept asking... hoping you would open up to me. But you didn't - you just continued to make it very clear that you wanted nothing further to do with me except use me.
I could have gotten you help. Now you're representing me as "fixated" with you, harassing you and "too much of a temptation" for you to be in touch with me FOR REAL. You're painting me as 'out to hurt your wife' when YOU were the one who hurt her. The police and my attorney has chats where YOU said some very nasty things about her and I STUCK UP FOR HER!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard you are trying to make sure everyone hears your story, your "version" of what happened that paints me like some avenging harpy. I got the big hints that I went from college mercy-fuck to internet freebie for an unemployed old acquaintance.You said many things about me in college when you thought I didn't hear you. Then you painted your own special picture of me to Elizabeth and I bet now to everyone else. I get it.
I GET IT.
Put on your big boy panties and leave me alone. The truth is out there. Anyone who really knows you, will believe it. No matter how hard you try to couch them as "lies" and "falsehoods'; no matter what you've been able to convince your wife and family of... the TRUTH and DOCUMENTATION is staying out there. Forever.
- Barbara
Additionally, as a safety precaution I told the owners of a couple online support groups for panic, anxiety & trauma I belonged to that the NYPD were watching my accounts. They asked for YWL's IP number and the IPs the NYPD were using, they didn't want myself or any of their users hassled. I got them and turned them over.
Not 36 hours after doing this TWO SUPPORT SITE OWNERS told me YWL had been on their sites... after googling my id and clicking to my posts!! I flipped out.
I wasn't safe anywhere. I would never be safe again. I didn't sleep for days. I left the MSN Groups but they REFUSED to remove YWL's photos or the story - I begged.
I only wanted support for my PTSD...
YWL took ZERO responsibility for what he'd done to me - and god only knows what Elizabeth was doing!
Eventually my therapist got me to reclaim that ID and not run and hide, not create some new identity.
I was nothing and no one to him. I'm not entitled to be hurt, upset and yes - angry. I would be happy to discuss it all like adults but he won't speak to me - because I supposedly hurt his family on purpose because I am some sort of desperate stalker? He'd rather attack, attack, attack.
Silly me, I thought at least I could be a cordial adult and be polite. It is a good article.
Unfortunately YWL & I belong to the same blogging community. Got to wonder what he's told his REAL friends there about me; since he did mention me in this post. It is sad he will go to any lengths to silence the truth. That's why this blog will remain up, for MY peace of mind... no one else's. I am doing this for ME.
"You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don't kid yourself - They know exactly what they are doing - They prey, victimize, and devastate."
Of course we are to cut YWL all sorts of slack for my 'hurting him, his family, etc.' but no slack for me being completely traumatized, ending up in the hospital a few times, being unable to drive or do much for weeks thereafter, dismantling my computer (according to him I was supposedly stalking & harassing him then. I wonder how I did that with NO COMPUTER???)
-- noooo, somehow he stalks me and reads all my pain & anguish but HE'S THE VICTIM.
(Note: At this time I knew nothing about Sociopathy and how they operate. YWL is TEXTBOOK.)
Wednesday, September 14, 2022
APOLOGY? NOT!
FROM: YWL
TO: Elizabeth_Green@###.com,
Barbara [lewd misspelling of my last name]@###.net
DATE: 3/26/2004
I am writing down every day. I see the pain I cased every second of very day. my wife crying (sometimes she throws up) every day and ail cause of me. My kids having no interpersonal relationships because I have been selfish ant too lazy to give them the attention thy deserve. I have a friend my [clergyman] who I made feel so uncomfortable by mixing him up in all this Even quitting the #### was selfish. .
And I am also profoundly sorry for the pain that I have cased to you both. Every Day I pray to God to relive your pain and that of my family. and then I pray that he bring me closer to [Him] in mind and spirit. so I can change the kind of horrible person I have been.
Babrara you are right about those 12 steps but they take time...the first one was discussing it all and that goes way beyond my time on line it goes to the way I relate to my family help my kids,.
My rabbi says to do true teshuva, I have to change, and I am working on int,,,
it is a lng drawn out process.,.
I got rid of aol adn yahoo and only have the original MSN I dont go ton here, I was advised to no longer put my self in oppottunities where I have to be strong at least untill I have shanged form the creep I was, .
Someday with God’s help I may be a decent human being again..
Am truely sorry for the pain I caused and all I can say is that ai sm trying to make that person go away Ihis is from the heart, wheater u believe or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't YWL's 'apology' above a perfect example of this?:
1.) Apologize in email. Hey, why should you actually have to FACE the person you harmed and DEAL with the real consequences of your actions - like the fact that they might still be hurt and upset? It's so much easier to do it from a distance - that way you can go around telling everyone how you made all this EFFORT to rectify things. If questioned on this, you can fall back on your old excuses about how the other person is just too scary to face in person. (People you have betrayed aren't usually very compliant). Call them scorned, a stalker or obsessed. Say it will hurt your other friends or family. Ignore the fact that this avoidance is completely contradicting any statements you might make about "taking responsibility" for your behavior (see below).
2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident. It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?
4.) Try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology. Use worn-out lines like "It may not mean much to you now...". Thank the person for their past "support" of you in your (largely self-inflicted) trials and tribulations as a not-so-subtle reminder of how "rough" things have been for you and your other friends/ family. You can also use this as a way to look magnanamous and introspective while avoiding taking any real action.
Whine about how you are finally working on your "issues" (never mind that you have been saying the same thing for years), as if that is supposed to mean something real. Avoid any discussion about what you are doing *specifically* to work on those issues. After all, (despite your previous litany of lies) the person you are apologizing to should trust that you really mean what you say this time, right?
Talk about how you are finally accepting responsibility for the consequences of your behavior, and then avoid making any effort to talk to the other person face to face. Talk about how you miss the fun you had with the other person (carefully avoiding any mention of the fun you had at that person's expense at the same time).
See if there is still a chain left to be yanked. Remember, this is all about assuaging your conscience and repairing your damaged image - not about doing real work or genuine caring for the other person, but nobody else needs to know that. With a little careful manipulation, you can use this apology to get sympathy and attention from other people as well.
5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed. It is equally important that you avoid replying to any questions they might ask about specifics. Remember, this isn't really about making amends, it's about making yourself feel better.
6.) Expect instant redemption and forgiveness. Remember, no matter what you have done, a few words are supposed to magically wipe away all the pain of the past with no further work required by you. Now that you have made a token gesture, the other person should just "forgive and forget" and "move on" and stop talking about it or asking you for accountability so that you find it easier to sleep at night.
7.) Get upset when your trite "olive branch" isn't received with warmth and acceptance. Go whining to whomever will listen, about how you made all this *EFFORT*, and how *HARD* it was for you to take that step (what with all your issues, and all), and how it was REJECTED because that awful person actually expected you to DO SOMETHING REAL. After all, you have ISSUES and such, and that means you should be exempted from behaving in a manner congruent to your words, and everyone should coddle you and praise even the smallest effort on your part.
8.) Take no further action. Use pat phrases like, "I'm doing my best to take responsiblity for the consequences of my behaviour", but don't actually DO anything beyond sending the email. It plays well, and you can always use that "doing my best" as your cop-out when you don't actually follow-through - it wasn't a REAL commitment to change, it was a "best-effort", and your emailed apology was a fine demonstration of how good THAT is.
I can't stress enough how important it is that you don't reply to any questions the other person might have about your email, especially ones that ask "why now?", "what specifically do you acknowledge was inappropriate?" and "what specifically you are doing to take responsibility?". After all, you don't owe them any explanation.
SOURCE
btw -- law enforcement told me he NEVER got rid of any of his instant messengers. Just BLOCKED me.
It was just a few weeks before he changed his online identity and went right back to it.
ONE MORE FOR MR. RELIGIOUSLY OBSERVANT
The 'sweet person' I thought I knew turned out to be a predator who gets his kicks out of lying, coercing and sexually overpowering women - whether it's by saying 'I love you' indiscriminately or paying for it.
And the way YWL misspelled my name? sent me back to the emergency room. I was in the hospital a lot then - yet I was accused of 'stalking' him at the same times. Thanks for that. I didn't realize I was that ALL-POWERFUL...
Another one for you - YWL
#ifmywoundswerevisible #yidwithlid #JeffDunetz
TO: Elizabeth_Green@###.com,
Barbara [lewd misspelling of my last name]@###.net
DATE: 3/26/2004
I am writing down every day. I see the pain I cased every second of very day. my wife crying (sometimes she throws up) every day and ail cause of me. My kids having no interpersonal relationships because I have been selfish ant too lazy to give them the attention thy deserve. I have a friend my [clergyman] who I made feel so uncomfortable by mixing him up in all this Even quitting the #### was selfish. .
And I am also profoundly sorry for the pain that I have cased to you both. Every Day I pray to God to relive your pain and that of my family. and then I pray that he bring me closer to [Him] in mind and spirit. so I can change the kind of horrible person I have been.
Babrara you are right about those 12 steps but they take time...the first one was discussing it all and that goes way beyond my time on line it goes to the way I relate to my family help my kids,.
My rabbi says to do true teshuva, I have to change, and I am working on int,,,
it is a lng drawn out process.,.
I got rid of aol adn yahoo and only have the original MSN I dont go ton here, I was advised to no longer put my self in oppottunities where I have to be strong at least untill I have shanged form the creep I was, .
Someday with God’s help I may be a decent human being again..
Am truely sorry for the pain I caused and all I can say is that ai sm trying to make that person go away Ihis is from the heart, wheater u believe or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't YWL's 'apology' above a perfect example of this?:
How NOT to Apologize when you have Seriously Fucked Up.
1.) Apologize in email. Hey, why should you actually have to FACE the person you harmed and DEAL with the real consequences of your actions - like the fact that they might still be hurt and upset? It's so much easier to do it from a distance - that way you can go around telling everyone how you made all this EFFORT to rectify things. If questioned on this, you can fall back on your old excuses about how the other person is just too scary to face in person. (People you have betrayed aren't usually very compliant). Call them scorned, a stalker or obsessed. Say it will hurt your other friends or family. Ignore the fact that this avoidance is completely contradicting any statements you might make about "taking responsibility" for your behavior (see below).
2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident. It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?
"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement". They smile through their oily apologies when their crime calls for quakes of repentance. They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling.... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is more than a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly [deliberately], an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with." -- Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"3.) Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don't have to own up to, or deal with any specifics. This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity. As Dr. Phil (C. McGraw) says:
"Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with yourself about what you are doing or not doing, or what you are putting up with in your life that is destructive. It's not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth. I mean brutal reality: slapping yourself in the face and admitting what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are."And God knows, real acknowledgement and acceptance of responsibility is not what you were after or you wouldn't have apologized in email in the first place.
 |
| YWL are you BUTTHURT? |
4.) Try to evoke sympathy for yourself as part of the apology. Use worn-out lines like "It may not mean much to you now...". Thank the person for their past "support" of you in your (largely self-inflicted) trials and tribulations as a not-so-subtle reminder of how "rough" things have been for you and your other friends/ family. You can also use this as a way to look magnanamous and introspective while avoiding taking any real action.
Whine about how you are finally working on your "issues" (never mind that you have been saying the same thing for years), as if that is supposed to mean something real. Avoid any discussion about what you are doing *specifically* to work on those issues. After all, (despite your previous litany of lies) the person you are apologizing to should trust that you really mean what you say this time, right?
Talk about how you are finally accepting responsibility for the consequences of your behavior, and then avoid making any effort to talk to the other person face to face. Talk about how you miss the fun you had with the other person (carefully avoiding any mention of the fun you had at that person's expense at the same time).
See if there is still a chain left to be yanked. Remember, this is all about assuaging your conscience and repairing your damaged image - not about doing real work or genuine caring for the other person, but nobody else needs to know that. With a little careful manipulation, you can use this apology to get sympathy and attention from other people as well.
5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed. It is equally important that you avoid replying to any questions they might ask about specifics. Remember, this isn't really about making amends, it's about making yourself feel better.
6.) Expect instant redemption and forgiveness. Remember, no matter what you have done, a few words are supposed to magically wipe away all the pain of the past with no further work required by you. Now that you have made a token gesture, the other person should just "forgive and forget" and "move on" and stop talking about it or asking you for accountability so that you find it easier to sleep at night.
7.) Get upset when your trite "olive branch" isn't received with warmth and acceptance. Go whining to whomever will listen, about how you made all this *EFFORT*, and how *HARD* it was for you to take that step (what with all your issues, and all), and how it was REJECTED because that awful person actually expected you to DO SOMETHING REAL. After all, you have ISSUES and such, and that means you should be exempted from behaving in a manner congruent to your words, and everyone should coddle you and praise even the smallest effort on your part.
8.) Take no further action. Use pat phrases like, "I'm doing my best to take responsiblity for the consequences of my behaviour", but don't actually DO anything beyond sending the email. It plays well, and you can always use that "doing my best" as your cop-out when you don't actually follow-through - it wasn't a REAL commitment to change, it was a "best-effort", and your emailed apology was a fine demonstration of how good THAT is.
I can't stress enough how important it is that you don't reply to any questions the other person might have about your email, especially ones that ask "why now?", "what specifically do you acknowledge was inappropriate?" and "what specifically you are doing to take responsibility?". After all, you don't owe them any explanation.
Like I said, this isn't about doing anything for *them*, it's all about YOU. After all, once you've made your apology, you can wash your hands of the whole messy affair and wipe your conscience clean without having to dirty yourself with uncomfortable things like integrity, sincerity, action or actually facing the person you harmed.
SOURCE
btw -- law enforcement told me he NEVER got rid of any of his instant messengers. Just BLOCKED me.
It was just a few weeks before he changed his online identity and went right back to it.
ONE MORE FOR MR. RELIGIOUSLY OBSERVANT
The 'sweet person' I thought I knew turned out to be a predator who gets his kicks out of lying, coercing and sexually overpowering women - whether it's by saying 'I love you' indiscriminately or paying for it.
And the way YWL misspelled my name? sent me back to the emergency room. I was in the hospital a lot then - yet I was accused of 'stalking' him at the same times. Thanks for that. I didn't realize I was that ALL-POWERFUL...
Another one for you - YWL
#ifmywoundswerevisible #yidwithlid #JeffDunetz
Monday, December 27, 2021
THE CHAT YWL WANTS GONE, ERASED, SCRUBBED
Chat that YWL had with my best friend about the situation on March 17, 2004.
(Notice him "trying out new lies" to see what will fly!! He didn't realize she already knew everything and KNEW he was lying to her!)
Shira: hey YWL
YWL: I am an ass
Shira: well, ok
Shira: what makes you say that???
YWL: Its a long story
Shira: do tell
YWL: ok
YWL: I met someone online that I really care about
YWL: it happened after
YWL: well you know when I got upset that night
Shira: right
Shira: hey
Shira: remind me again why you got upset? I was never really clear on that
YWL: because honestly I felt that I was being toyed with.
YWL: anyway..Barabra and I stayed online that night (no we didn't -- I was online with Shira until 3am; YWL blocked me and went back to cybersex with Elizabeth... as I found out)
YWL: very late
Shira: well you should have said something to us
Shira: we always joke around like that
YWL: I did
YWL: 'to Barbara
YWL: then I went away
Shira: right
YWL: and then when I got back I pulled away from Barbara
YWL: I had to it was making me crazy
Shira: what was making you crazy?
YWL: tension
YWL: we both wanted to sleep with each other but knew it could never happen (WTF? because I told him no way LOL!)
YWL: we talked about it till like 3 in the morning
YWL: anyway I started talking to someone online and we got very close
YWL: I was even making a buisness trip to go meet her
YWL: Well yesterday her and Barbara talked and now they are both so hurt (HURT? Doesn't even start to cover it)
Shira: hang on - but you practically had to be coaxed out with a handful of sugar cubes to go meet Barbara for LUNCH!
YWL: no
YWL: I was supposed to see her next week
Shira: Yes, for the second time in 2 years
YWL: because I could deal with it now
YWL: now you know the reason I felt I couldn't
YWL: and now I have hurt her
YWL: now I have hurt Elizabeth
YWL: and most importantly I have lost her as a friend
YWL: I have been throwing up all morning
Shira: DESTROYED her, YWL. The word is DESTROYED. You have no idea the amount of abuse she puts up with in your name on a daily basis for something she never even did!
YWL: thats why I was reluctent to see her to make it worse and I have anyway
YWL: I cant throw up anymore
Shira: so don't throw up
YWL: Im so nauseous
Shira: so what are you going to do then?
YWL: I dont know
YWL: Shira -- I do love Barbara and dont want to lose her out of my life
YWL: I dont know what to do
YWL: except throw up
Shira: you love her?
YWL: yes but not in a romantic sense anymore. It started going away that night (again... going away... wtf is he TALKING ABOUT! LOL!)
Shira: so you did love her in a romantic sense at one point?
YWL: yes!
Shira: did you ever tell hr?
YWL: no
YWL: not exactly
Shira: well YWL you either tell someone you love them or you don't
YWL: no I didnt
YWL: but eveytime we tried to stop we couldnt
YWL: but I forced myself
Shira: you forced yourself?
Shira: Or you found it easier because you had someone else to play with?
YWL: no because that happened almost two month before I met
Shira: how did you meet her?
YWL: she commented on one off my articles so I sent her a thank you (that's a lie, even Elizabeth says in emails printed on this site I INTRODUCED THEM)
YWL: and she email back
Shira: you send thankyous to everyone who comments?
YWL: yes
YWL: I do
YWL: read the bottom of one of my articles (great way to collect emails for future victims!)
YWL: read the bottom of one of my articles (great way to collect emails for future victims!)
YWL: it says right there
Shira: k
YWL: He reads and responds to all of his mail, so comment by here
Shira: oh, yeah, of course I remember now
YWL: and then we started emailing
YWL: and iming
YWL: and one thing led to another
Shira: YWL you do know Barbara loved you, and that for her love is something she tries to avoid because it has only ever brought her pain
YWL: until we had a big fight yesterday
YWL: I had a big fight with Elizabeth yesterday because.. she didnt want me to be friends with Barbara (again, I found out this is a massive lie too! It was the OTHER WAY AROUND)
YWL: and the rest as we say is history
Shira: how does she know Barbara?
YWL: they met on a newsgroup
Shira: oh, right
YWL: thats how she got to read mystuff
YWL: I asked Barbara if I could call her and she is ignoring me
OT1: well from the sound of it that's not surprising
YWL: she told Elizabeth that I said bad things about her which is not true
Shira: why would she lie?
YWL: I never said anything cause I knew it would hurt her (hurt? wtf? he just wanted to keep using & abusing me as he kept on smearing and lying about me to others.)
YWL: I swear
Shira: BARBARA DOESN'T LIE
YWL: I never discussed Elizabeth with Barbara (admission of lying and also notice how he leaves out that he's 'discussed' - lied about & smeared - me to Elizabeth to keep us from talking and finding out he's a predator who's been using both of us for his sexual fun & games!)
YWL: On my life (which life would that be? the one your wife knows about or the one you have at Julie's or the one you have online....)
YWL: gtg
~~~~~
YWL: Barabar wouldnt pic up her mobile
Shira: well I did say to leave a message. She's a busy woman
YWL: I dont know
Shira: you know how it is...kids and all, also she's disabled, remember
YWL: Her vioce mail didnt pic up
YWL: I dont htink
YWL: I ddint hear a beeb
YWL: but Italked anyway
Shira: what'd you say?
YWL: I said that I didnt want to loseher from my life that she was too important and could we talk
Shira: YWL she's been awake for 30 hours
Shira: she's distraught
Shira: YWL
Shira: you've utterly destroyed any trust she had in you
Shira: you've made her feel used
YWL: I know
YWL: but I wasnt
YWL: I swear
Shira: you weren't what?
Shira: using her?
YWL: we were supposed to meet next week
Shira: so?
YWL: I asked her to keep the lucnh
YWL: so w can talk
Shira: you know, if I were her I wouldn't want to talk to you
Shira: I would feel very used and betrayed
YWL: I know
Shira: you were using her, weren't you
YWL: no
YWL: I wasnt
Shira: well; what else do you call cybersex with her, and then another woman, with no intention of anything else?
YWL: I told you how it happedn and they were sepreated by time
YWL: and there was an intention
Shira: what did you intend?
YWL: I had set up a trip to see Elizabeth
Shira: I meant MY friend, Barbara! Not your newest girlfriend, Elizabeth!
YWL: So you arent going to help me?
Shira: Help you!?
You've been lying and toying with Barbara for 2 years with no intention other than to twist her into knots and using her! So, what do you expect after what you've done to my best friend?
You lied about ME, too.
I tell you what, YWL, you best be sh*tting yourself. You ********. And you call yourself a spiritual man. I think not. All you think about is your **** and I wish you everything you deserve. What a filthy lying s**tbag you are.
I tell you what, YWL, you best be sh*tting yourself. You ********. And you call yourself a spiritual man. I think not. All you think about is your **** and I wish you everything you deserve. What a filthy lying s**tbag you are.
Wednesday, July 8, 2020
MANIPULATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE
While the harm most of these men inflict is emotional and psychological, there are those among them with a more dangerous twist, who feed off their victims' souls the way a leech drains the blood of its prey: drop by drop. These are the captivating vampires, whose devious masks conceal every woman's worst nightmare. To these men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only force & fear affirms their worth. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable. They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless. He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he's treating you like you've become a "bitch-on-wheels." And you don't know why. He accuses you of everything from insincerity to stalking, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake.
Maybe he never physically beats you. Or maybe he never will. But you never know. He is stunningly impulsive and unpredictable. But he always assaults you emotionally, ripping into every fiber of your being with verbal vindictive, threats and accusations. Being keel-hauled over a coral reef is a cake-walk, compared to this torment. The only thing predictable about such a man is his extreme unpredictability. It is only after you become intimately snared into him that you discover the soul-grinder that lies waiting to strike. Until then, you may even find him amazingly attentive, sensitive and empathic to your every need. He can initially appear to be completely non-threatening. That is why it is critical to learn how to identify this type of individual, because there is a high probability that brutally sociopathic or sadistic-type personality disorders may hide behind his appealing camouflage of muted sensitivity. When borderline, sociopathic and sadistic disorders combine with a narcissistic disorder, a particularly deceptive and dangerous Molotov cocktail of character pathology results. Shortly after he had seduced his next "relationship", "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of mentally & sexually controlling his woman.
Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of this woman's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else and would always give in to his pressures. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them. Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on with words & suggestions, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext.
All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. He relieved himself with prostitutes and porn while she did a slow torturous boil. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree. To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by asking about her sexual history with a lot of 'understand & compassion', getting her comfortable enough to tell him things she'd done when younger that she felt guilt about. And he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal including laying moral guilt trips on her. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further.
Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him! He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, morally-upright, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a this type of pathological man has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP
If you survive, your mind is tortured by the obsessive disbelieving thoughts of this person you’ve lived with and had children with for more than two decades as he continues to defame and demonise you as the abuser, all the while he has stolen every cent of money you’ve earned while being left with PTSD trying to survive and being knifed psychologically by him at every single turn of life. Despite awareness, the event has occurred and the replaying in your mind of this person you believed was your protector is now your most evil enemy seems neverending.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
DOCUMENTATION AND THE NO-SPIN ZONE
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