CASUAL CRUELTY

Dominance, power, and having followers are very important to the psychopath's need for total adulation and control. Psychopaths absolutely bask in adulation, many using pity, in a most conniving way, to get the attention that they need. 

Sometimes the way a psychopath asserts his control is done subtly. The psychopath often plays jokes and tricks on others to humiliate them or to assert dominance. Sadly, many are mistaken about the typical psychopath. A psychopath is not always looking for money or sex, quite often, he or she is merely interested in taking you along for a ride. I

 also do not believe that psychopaths always know that they are hurting you. A psychopath behaves the same way with everyone. Most of them take pleasure merely in playing the rouse, and not much else. A psychopath has no interest in your inner emotional state because they themselves have no empathy. They merely enjoy "pulling one over" on people.  

A psychopath cannot truly love and therefore cannot become obsessed with another individual. They are too egocentric, narcissistic, and lack emotional connection to any other human being.  

The central theme of Don Juan's (the psychopaths's) seductions is not even the sexual enjoyment, but playing the trick... While he gives no real love, though he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others...  

Again, this quote from Gordon Bank's work, "Don Juan as Psychopath," reveals that the psychopath is mostly interested in playing tricks with his prey, almost in a playful way. To the psychopath, such things are not really big deal, while for the victim, however, it becomes a rather big issue indeed. Many of the victims of psychopaths enter therapy as a result of this. 

Many victims believe themselves to be flawed after an experience with a cyberpath. Some of them are harassed by the family and friends of the psychopath, which makes matters worse. He is motivated primarily by the need to dominate and humiliate either the person he is 'taking' or, very often someone connected to another person with whom he is involved.

Psychopaths relish in another's humiliation, which may appear to us as a certain, perverse quality. They take pleasure in what we find obscene, because they are not like other people, they have no true connection to anybody, and are incapable of feeling real love. Messing with another person's emotions and life is merely a way to pass the time, pulling one over on you is fun and enjoyable.  

Most of the crimes psychopaths commit, tend to be "crimes of the heart" and/or "casual cruelty", they are cruel, manipulative people who leave a trail of broken hearts and often broken lives behind them.  

Again, most psychopaths are common liars and predators. Do not be fooled by someone who tells you that there is such a thing as a "harmless liar." A liar is never harmless. A person who lies should never be trusted, and once you find out they've lied to you even once, it's time to break it off. Once having drained what they can from one source, they turn to others to exploit, bleed, and then cast aside; their pleasure in the misfortune of others is unquenchable. People are used as a means to an end; they are to be subordinated and demeaned ...the pleasure they gain from their ruse often flags once the rewards of deceit have been achieved.  

Before long, their true unreliability may be revealed as they "stop working at" their deception or as their need grows to let others know how clever and cunning they have been A psychopath may keep you hooked for as long as they need your narcissistic supply. Once you start getting "wise" to them, however, or once he or she begins to tire of you and find that your narcissistic supply is becoming inadequate, you will soon find out, through some subtle manuevers, that your absolutely "perfect" future mate is nothing but a charade.  

SOURCE


2010-07-10 16:32:21 
I just got of a relationship with a Psychopath: I was devastated at first because he was charming. However, now that it is over everything that he did is starting to reveal itself... Wow, was I fooled. 

I know it is not my fault. I am ok and thank God this happened before the long walk down the aisle...

VALIDATION

Thank you -- thank you to the people who sent me these things over the years to help me move forward with my life. I have moved forward but will always have a deep ache in my soul. 

   

Imagine you are a narcissist. Remember also that you have this unbearable pain inside, the pain of unbearable shame. All your life you have felt like you're inferior, not up to standards, worthy of contempt. But you keep awareness of that at bay by playing pretend that the opposite is true = that you are god and that the rest of humanity (except for the very special people like you) are dirt beneath your feet.  

So, 99% of the time, that's what you think you are - a god. It's self delusion. But every time someone treats you like an ordinary man or woman and as their equal, worthy of your consideration and respect, they are challenging your precious delusions of superiority.  

You HATE that! Because every time they relate to you as a man, they are NOT relating to you as a god. And that makes those true feelings you have repressed surface to consciousness on you.  

You must stop that from happening. So, in terror, you instantly attack anyone who says or does something that reminds you that you are not God. Like a three-year-old playing Pretend with her friends, you stamp your foot and yell (in so many words), "NO! You're not supposed to say THAT! You're supposed to say THIS!"  

You thus train the people around you not to say or do anything that conflicts with your delusions of superiority. That is, you train them to play along with your script in your game of Pretend. But you cannot stop everything from happening that calls your true feelings to consciousness. And they are too painful.  

So, you go berserk with the pain whenever they start to surface, wildly doing anything you can to instantly repress them to the subconscious again. I often liken this subconscious-burying behavior to someone frantically shoving dirt on a corpus delicti to keep it buried in one of those old horror movies. You will do anything - ANYTHING - to prevent a moment of self awareness! Because you have this dark, unutterable terror that it would kill you. Really, you are that frantically afraid of seeing your true self in a mirror. So, you are playing Pretend 100% of the time. 24-7-365.  

You pretend that you are not lowdown by pretending the antidote = pretending that you are a god. And you pretend that you are a god by treating others like dirt.  

You pretend that you are not amoral by pretending the antidote = pretending that you are a saint. And you pretend that you are saint by portraying others as sinners. And so on and on and on and on. Bottom Line: You kill your pain by causing others pain. (In other words, like a three-year-old, you pretend that you can transfer it to others.) You glorify your image by trashing others' image. In other words, you exploit people, brutally as unfeeling and inhuman as a psychopath about the pain and damage you are doing to them by this. You thus make others bleed just to maintain your delusions and keep you from knowing yourself as you are.

Others must bleed so that you can feel good, so that a moment of self awareness doesn't make you just kill yourself. Is that not exactly what the predator thinks? The wolf thinks the lamb must bleed so that he can eat and live. The wolf thinks that this is what lambs exist for - to feed HIM. And that's what predators, like sexual predators, emotional predators, child predators, pyschopaths, and other brands of narcissists think other people exist for = to FEED them.  

To kill all human sympathy in themselves (which would make it impossible for them to do what they wanna do), they just pretend that others are inferior beings, like bugs. Hence they don't relate humanly to their human victims. They relate to them as but objects 

By projecting it onto others. But what if you get into trouble for doing these things? What if you end up before a judge or in a psychiatrist's office? What if the neighbors find out and start looking at you askance? 

Remember, you do everything solely for effect, to get the reaction you want out of these people. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what you will do. You will just switch masks. Now you put on your "victim" mask. Your "Who-poor-little-old-me?-I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly" act. What better place for the devil to hide? Now you whine about what a wretched childhood you had. Now, so that people don't realize that you are just a predator who attacks any vulnerable prey in sight, you say that the victim hurt your poor, poor, tender feelings and that you were just lashing out in self defense.  

What happened to your God-act?  

You just put that away for the time being, because it won't get you what you want from people under the current circumstances.  

Besides, it's funny. Your own private inside joke. People don't have NPD; NPD has people.

 

Narcissist Personality Disorder does not leave such concrete evidence around like empty bottles, mysterious car dents, drunk-driving charges or visibly injured spouses. No, it feeds on the less concrete aspects of our lives. Damage is visited upon the people around NPD sufferers, and the behavior of the NPD sufferer is explained away using countless plausible rationalizations. To help my own understanding, I have come up with a metaphor for the disorder and the person who is afflicted by it. The metaphor is one of a puppeteer (the disorder itself) and a puppet (the person with the disorder). Let's explore the puppet metaphor to help understand how Narcissistic Personality Disorder works. The puppet metaphor illustrates what I believe is the salient challenge of NPD for those people around it: you think you are dealing directly with a person, but you are not. Instead, you are dealing with someone under the control of NPD. Here is what I have read about and experienced first hand. Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers:

• Lack the ability to empathize. They can fake it on and off, but if you have enough exposure to the person, eventually you will see this pattern clearly. They may show zero emotion when hearing news of, for example, deep suffering of huge numbers of people.
• As psychiatrist Thom Hartmann says, they "Kiss up and Kick Down", meaning they are incapable of having truly healthy relationships. They regard other humans as a kind of resource to be used for their own ends.
• Loathe themselves. Extensive research shows that NPD is rooted in denied love at the very early stage of the sufferer's life, and they spend the rest of their life devouring others in a futile attempt to fill this void.
• Go from incredible highs to deep lows. When they are high, they might not be able to stop talking. When they are low, they struggle to say good morning.
• They fly into a rage at the slightest provocation on some days. And at other times, they seem impervious even to the most brutal attack. They might stay awake all night wrestling with a single innocuous thing you said to them the day before, and then launch at you the next day with some bizarre logical conclusion of it.
• When you challenge their behavior, you may quickly move from Friend to Enemy. Sufferers of NPD think in black-and-white terms. You are either "with them or against them".
• Ultimately, they are at the center of the universe. Just like an alcoholic, they will risk a lot to get their next fix.
• Their relationships with newcomers go through three stages that I have identified: (1) Enchantment to (2) Disenchantment to (3) Contempt.
• NPD starts early and its sufferers have over decades developed an impressive range of dis-empowerment skills, from "you are being too sensitive" to talk about a person being a "good person" or a "bad person". (Who are they to judge!).
They are masters at setting one person against another, and they construct a culture of distrust and hostility.
• They always believe they are right.

From what I have read, NPD sufferers rarely get clinically diagnosed, let alone treated. I can understand that. Just imagine waking up with the notion that you might be afflicted with this condition; you would have to build your life from scratch, even if you did believe treatment were possible.

There are plenty of people out there who have suffered at the hands of an NPD sufferer, and extensive research has been done to be able to identify it. The Internet is awash with anecdotes, life stories, remedies and the results of research. It is called a disorder because something is broken, not because something is unusual. Don't let others convince you that the person is just "a bit quirky" or "has a bit of an edge".

At least be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what they say, and it also doesn't matter what I say. You have to work it out. Give it time and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, if you are exposed to it in someone in whom you have personally invested, will hurt you. It's a slow nibbling-to-death process. First, you're attracted to this striking person because you seem to have so much in common with them, and striking they are, as they weave a web around you. They know exactly how to get attention - they've been perfecting it all their lives.

What's really happening is you are being prepared for dinner. Their dinner. And you are but one of their side-dishes. They never counted how many little folks like you they have consumed over the years. A spider doesn't count the flies he eats and he has no feelings for any ofthem. The fly is just dinner; that's his place in this world. When you have a relationship with a sufferer or NPD, you are the fly.

The preposterousness of what I have just said is one of the reasons NPD gets to go on giving for a long, long time. Few will believe until they personally get punched in the face by it. And by that time, they've moved on to new willing victims.

NPD destroys relationships, trust, and whole families, yet still gets to continue in full swing, for a long time. There are no empty bottles to point to, no dirty syringes, or unexplained bruises on someone's arm. A person under the control of NPD can behave perfectly normally one moment, just like the puppet sits quietly in the puppet chair while the strings remain loose, then unexpectedly and suddenly turn on you as if you had committed some great crime against them.

The Puppet Knows he is a Puppet

I believe that a person under the control of NPD know that something is wrong; that something is very wrong. Often, and perhaps this is their real curse, such a person if very intelligent. They are good at working things out and they know something is definitely awry - but they are just the puppet, not the puppeteer - so it continues. Still, like so many human issues, ones "higher self" knows.

The Nice Man, The Bully and the Friend.

Imagine a chap by the name of Joe Smith. Joe shares a flat with a bully by the name of Biff. One evening, Joe is entertaining a close friend in the living room and Biff in the kitchen overhears something Joe's friend says in the living room. Biff immediately takes grave offense, storms into the living room in a rage and verbally abuses Joe's friend who gets up to leave because he is deeply hurt from the unexpected verbal assault. Joe sits there in shock about what has just happened.

Biff goes upstairs to sleep it off while Joe gets to pick up the pieces, apologizing profusely for his flat mate's outrageous behavior, perhaps even descending into a degree of denial about it all. Joe is just a regular guy like you or me, Biff is the ever controlling NPD he suffers from, and Friend is anyone Joe has a relationship with. NPD is like an unpredictable flat-mate. It might leave the sufferer alone for periods of time, days or sometimes weeks, but it always returns. Just when it looks like it's not really there anymore, it marches into the room and beats your friend up.

NPD will try to invalidate the feelings of those it hurts

"You're too sensitive" is a common attempt at invalidation used by a person under the influence of NPD. They try to invalidate what you are feeling because you are "over-reacting" to what has happened. Ironic, really, because the person under NPD begins the emotional encounter with an overreaction in the first place.

They know how to invalidate the feelings of others. This is why the Puppet metaphor fits so well for a person under NPD. You think you're talking with a reasonable person. After all, they've got that great degree in physics or medicine - they must be open to reasonable debate, you think. Wrong. When you try to reason with them, you will get yourself caught up in their puppet strings, and if you are not careful, will get sucked into their whole messy psycho world. That is, if you care. That is, if you have empathic skills.

Lack of Empathy - the signature of a person under NPD

Somewhere in their past, a person under NPD was left out in the cold. They were neglected in some way that left them hurt and feeling abandoned. Not usually in a physical sense, but more likely in a way that suggested they were unworthy of love. It is normal for a baby to think they are the center of the universe. It is normal for a seven year old not to fully connect with the teary-eyed adults surrounding the casket of their grandfather. But babies and kids grow up. They grow to learn the emotion of empathy; they grow to take on the adult burden of supporting others in the community, the family and the relationships around them. Persons under NPD are blind to empathy. Sure, they are masters at faking it, but they just cannot feel it.

They know how to make themselves look like they're connecting, complete with speeches from the heart and teary-eyed funeral visits. But they are in the game from themselves alone. When you get that about people who have the disorder, you begin to understand just how vulnerable you really are when such a person is close.

---------------
hhjagr@mail.com  2007-05-22 17:07:21 - 
Predator. He gives men a bad name. Yes, you did wrong but in your situation he provided a sympathetic ear and then used you. He has temerity to complain and blame. Puts you in the hospital? Now he's mad you speak out? What I wish to say you might delete 

yopkow@.com 2007-05-22 09:10:10 - 
You got taken for a ride. And now he's mad you're being truthful? Has he even attempted to talk to you? Guess this is what happens when you use someone like a sex toy and they turn out to be a human being.

[OrthoNana]]> zbb55@.com 2007-06-09 04:09:11
 Didn’t he say in The Story of Gridney he was “dropping it”? He has the nerve to say you went absolutely nuts? And now he posts your IP online? thats dropping it? Is he kidding? '
This YWL is certifiably nuts. He’s out for blood. Be careful.

knwlha@.com 2007-07-10 19:22:30 - 
My GOD were you used girl! U S E D! And now you try to stop the harassment. you tell his wife (which probably ended his “fun”!) you help the cops and get them not to prosecute him And he does this? LOSER!

halela@.com 2 2007-07-10 22:18:38 - 
Are you going to post about this **** posting your IP on his blog to further his lies that you're some sort of stalker? When it was him who stalked YOU after he traumatized you, to every support group on the net you were on where you poured your pain out about what he'd done! 
He’s peeved you've put this all out there isn’t he? 
Are you going to tell about him and his buddies killing your Blog Carnival posting simply because he hates you for being truthful? Or him & his buddies putting gay porn on your blog? How about him deleting more of his hooker postings the minute you put the link on this site, as if it never happened? 
Why doesn’t he go back to junior high were his behavior belongs? You are really being an angel about it all and showing a lot of tolerance and compassion. Too bad he doesn’t deserve any of it.  

eovxue@.com  2007-07-09 17:59:28 - 
The word that comes to mind here: EXPLOITATION. You were EXPLOITED And now this YWL or whatever he’s calling himself has the nerve to be angry that you are telling the truth and putting it all out there. Unbelievable.

nuntiagratia@.com 82009-08-24 12:45:55 - 
I'm trying to recover after 17 years with an NPD. The part where you describe inside the mind of an NPD made me scream in anguish. I left him 8 months ago but there is not enough awareness where I come from. Had a string of therapists...the last one asked me what I might have done to save the marriage...it left my already fragile self-esteem even more battered. It's hard to recover without professional help :( The last thing he did was turn my brother on his side. He still visits my elderly mother regularly. Everyone believes he's so sweet. 
He's done a recovery course for perpetrators and people admire him for it and yet when i talk to him on the phone he's as abusive and menacing as ever. It's like he added some more polish and learnt some new jargon from the course which is further enhancing his act.

GOING TO START POSTING HERE AGAIN

Over the years I have lost track of the emails I have gotten about this blog. They fell into 3 categories:

• Thanking me for talking about what happened to me because it validated their experience(s) with their alleged Narcissist or Socio/Psychopath
• Telling me about their experience with Yid with Lid re: his blog or in person. 100% of what they told me validated the pattern of pathology I identified in his treatment of me after all my therapy, clinic stay and C-PTSD management work with counselors.
• Begging me to start posting here again because they needed more validation for their own pathological relationships

I decided to start doing the last. Not because there is anything at all left to say about Yid with Lid. Nor am I interested in 'stirring it all up again.' But I am going to do what was requested. Use this story to continue to educate others about this sort of destructive interpersonal pathology, how it works, and that it is in NO WAY the fault of us victims! My friend Kathy Krajco, who wrote EXTENSIVELY on Narcissism passed away in 2007. Her insightful writing is deeply missed but I will use some of what she'd written about a Pathological's traits, rather than what I consider to be the obtuse DSM-V description. Eight red flags of narcissism as listed originally by (now deceased) Kathy Krajco:

1. puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
2. damages the images of most others
3. has a history of past upheavals
4. is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
5. exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior -- backwards reactions to things
6. is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
7. is extremely self-absorbed
8. has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others

I will post about these Eight Red Flags in the context of what Yid with Lid did to me to illustrate the pathology, as well as more as I identify it. I hope this helps someone with their ongoing healing, as it has helped me. I have spent the last couple years working towards getting my counseling degree to be able to help the thousands of victims of these types of men. Their pain is mine - and the effects are profound. We may never be the same - but we can move forward. 

 "Whosoever saves one life, saves the world entire." - Talmud

A COMMON TACTIC OF MANIPULATORS

(with regards to this post.   I have received numerous emails that YID with LID is doing the same & cutting off those in the blogosphere who don't agree with his posts on his blog or other blogs and ask for discussion. Why discuss anything or listen to anyone's reasoning when you're YWL?)

   

Manipulators. We've all been taken in by them. All malignant narcissists are manipulators, though not all manipulators are narcissists. Either way, it is impossible to avoid them. It is possible to minimize our susceptibility to them. The concept that has helped me the most in enabling me to recognize when someone is trying to force me into what they want from me is the reality that manipulators are aggressive, and most times they are able to hide their aggression. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. of "In Sheep's Clothing" calls them "covert-aggressives". As I read his book I realized that my whole experience with my sister especially, but also my mother, was that of being up against a covertly-aggressive person. My sister is better at it than my mother is. Interestingly enough. Simon makes a great case for opening our eyes to what is really happening in these interactions; that the character disordered individual, or simply aggressive person, is fighting to get their own way when they use certain tactics. And he points out that they are tactics. Not defensive reactions.

"...viewing someone who's in the act of aggressing as being defensive in any sense is a major set-up for victimization." pg. 95

He also describes the tactics of the covert-aggressive as being another form of lying. One of the first things their tactics accomplish for them is to conceal the fact that they are fighting with you. They are refusing to allow you to have the opinion you have, the standards you have, the decision you've made. They are attempting to force your surrender to their way, their opinion, their standards (or lack thereof). But the first thing they must do is come at you in such a way that the first thing you'll think is that they are reacting defensively. They hide their aggressiveness under a cloak of pretense that they are simply acting out of defensiveness which, of course, means that you attacked them. So the next thing their tactics accomplish is putting you on the defensive. Now you are knocked off-balance and the covert-aggressive will likely start throwing so many different manipulative tactics at you at once that you end up falling for the ruse and capitulate. Simon states that it is impossible to list all the tactics manipulators use, but he does make a short list of the most popular ones. He starts with "minimization". It is a 'oh my god' moment to see it spelled out. How many, many times have my mother or sister used this tactic on me and others?? It could not be counted. Simon again contrasts the behavior of the neurotic with that of the character disordered as he explains this tactic:

"...the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain...Neurotics frequently make mountains out of molehills, or 'catastrophize.' The disturbed character frequently trivializes the nature of his wrongdoing. Manipulators do this to make a person who might confront them feel they've been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation."

Then the money quote, in my opinion:

"Minimization is not primarily the way they make themselves feel better about what they did, it's primarily the way they try to manipulate my impression of them. They don't want me to see them as a person who behaves like a thug. Because they are most often comfortable with their aggressive personality style, they also want me to believe that there's nothing wrong with the kind of person they are." pg. 97

Can you see the lie that is the fabric of this type of manipulation? If you miss the lie, you can be convinced by the manipulator that you are the one aggressing against them. You are the one who is misapprehending the truth of what happened, the truth of what they are. You big meanie. Look at poor little defensive me trying to stand up against your mean and nasty aggression against me! I was only...fill in the blank...as they cut that mountain down to the size of a zit. You back down because suddenly they are the victim and you are hurting them. You fall for the wounded wing act. The one who was truly fighting for their own way is pretending that you are the one who picked the fight, who is being unfair, who needs to admit you are wrong! I so loathe this sneaky way of lying to get ones way. I had read this book some months before my last interaction with my sister. I had forgotten about the book, but some of the concepts I had learned were operational for me. My sister's aggression was immediately obvious to me. I did not allow her to minimize the mountain. I didn't believe the covert lie that by my having a certain opinion that I had put her on the defensive. I again highly recommend this little book. It can save your sanity when you're suddenly in a "fight" with a sneaky little lying f-ing manipulator. 

  SOURCE

I LOVE GOOD EXAMPLES, DON'T YOU?

Innocence seldom utters outraged shrieks. Guilt does.

~ Whittaker Chambers

 

Remember this comment from here? Well, I got so many emails with resources on this one -- I am reposting this comment WITH the resources & comments. Not my words, the words of professionals & people like Kathy Krajco & Anna Valerious. Friends who are brutally honest with me and who GET IT! (YWL's original comments are in BLUE)

Yid With Lid said... Ok Barbara Enough! I got your two comments today and I am not posting YOU are just as guilty, YOU did not do this with your eyes closed, YOU were a married woman.

----------------------

Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.

I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice. Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. **Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap!**

But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy. That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good.

You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that. In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period. - Kathy Krajco

"you were a married woman" - YWL
Actually, I was estranged from my husband already when he looked me up on Classmates.com. I got this one in my email from a friend and was just STUNNED at how it fit:

Moral principles are a person’s sense of right and wrong. The women victims had high moral principles and an internal moral compass of right and wrong. Their moral sense and its relationship to a psychopath are quite interesting. Although many of them tested very high in the morality department, they ended up with the immoral and unprincipled psychopath. Psychopaths interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her. Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat.

In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in. Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the psychopath. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life.

Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on. Her compassion is likely to keep her helping and supporting, all the way to the bitter end. The psychopath’s salesmanship has women believing that “just a little more” support/help/compassion/ empathy/tolerance will get him to the place that no other woman was able to help him get to. After all, she’s come this far and invested this much if just a little more investment will finally get her what she wants in him, then it’s worth it to just hang in there! Of course, it’s down the road that women realize that all the support in the world can’t change the incurableness of his pathology.

The sooner you move on with your life, the sooner you will heal physically, emotionally spiritually.- YWL

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” - Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel.

As far as I am are concerned, I publicly confessed my iniquity, I publicly showed contriteness by baring my soul. - YWL

Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable. more from the Big Babies Club here

As far I am concerned you can continue dragging my name through the mud, while whitewashing your own responsibility. - YWL

"Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth. I have treated individuals who have lied most egregiously by reciting a litany of true facts!

How does someone lie by telling only true things? They do so by leaving out important other, important facts essential to understanding the truth of the whole story." In Sheep's Clothing, pg. 98

I am done playing your sick game. - YWL

 

Actually, the only one who ADMITTED IN WRITING that I supposedly "played HIS GAME" with him... was YWL! So, who was playing who? Can't assert one thing and then another when it's convenient... now can you? 

 

I don't see how seeking APPROPRIATE ACCOUNTABILITY & REPARATIONS is game playing.

 

What does facing the facts about narcissists teach us?

They act out of malice that envies everything in others, even self respect. It also teaches us not to let the holier-than-thous load a guilt trip on us for holding him or her accountable for damage done. It's just sanctimony. Which is phony. Narcissist sympathizers are a huge part of the problem. Blow them off. Misplaced love or sympathy or loyalty is vice, not a virtue.

And it's also stupid.

by Kathy Krajco

I WILL NO LONGER BE BULLIED BY YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. I am dropping it--no more posts or comments. - YWL

The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist's abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn't happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?

Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that's nothing, but if I bash a human being, that's something.

If I step on a bug, that's nothing, but if I step on a human being, that's something.

Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don't get it — until they're the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgment in making nothing of it. By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn't tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation.

But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgment.

And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now? First he got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser's behavior, not the victim's. There's a name for people like that, "Job's Comforters" or "troublesome comforters." That's what I mean when I say that people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says

Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it's a sin for you to not cover up for him by acting like it didn't happen.

Just what you needed to hear, right? So, who's side are they really on? whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn't it? What a heartless thing to do to someone already down. Why can't they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they'd have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead? Sometimes I think they just don't want your sad face to rain on their day. I think it's for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want you to make it go away, to act like it didn't happen. If it's a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgment in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!

Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem. The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn't it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right — the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of person would docilely accept abuse? would make nothing of it? A person who thinks he or she is entitled to better treatment? A person who thinks anything of him- or her-self? A person with any self-respect? any dignity? integrity? a backbone?

If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.

Sounders like to sound good by making others sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim's nose in it? That's what it feels like. It's no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to stifle your objection.

SOURCE

(and btw Yidwithlid has NEVER dropped it!!)


When you decide that the health of your kids are worth more than your bruised ego, you will drop it too, - YWL  

My 'bruised ego'? Now he's giving psychological advice?? ROFL. Talk about PROJECTION. In case YWL missed it the last time: 

If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.  

"This is why every malignant narcissist is also a character assassin. His or her line is "I'm good because So-and-So is bad." The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period. They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug. Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything iwith a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.- Kathy Krajco

...until then regardless of how much abuse you and your friends choose to heap on me I will not react. - YWL

"The disturbed character always wants things the easy way. He hates to accept obligation. He gets far more joy out of 'conning' people. - George Simon IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

THERE WILL BE NO MORE POSTS ON THIS BLOG ON THIS MATTER. - YWL

Many offenders are fond of saying, “But I didn’t mean it that way” or “I never meant for that to happen” . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS ARE... ...Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their “mistakes”- this tells us that these are not really “mistakes” at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense. Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when he is caught or confronted, so he will not admit what he did. He will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior.

He will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought he was getting away with it. He will not admit he was wrong, he will not sincerely apologize, and he will not try to rectify the damage he did.

The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, his words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, he knew what he was doing and the effects it might have, but he decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise he would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. His ego would not be at stake, and he would not react with the shame of someone who was “caught” doing wrong.

One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others- anything but admit that he was wrong and take responsibility for his own words or actions.

Source

A little something for YWL:

More on VICTIM BASHING

More on CONTROL BY TEMPER TANTRUM

#ifmywoundswerevisible

WHO IS REALLY RESPONSIBLE?

YWL contends that I am using the "coercion" angle to duck my own responsibility in this whole thing. Funny thing is, I took TOTAL responsibility until the police and my PTSD/ trauma counselors went PAGE BY PAGE through all the chats and showed me what was done to me.  

It explained so much... and then I had to deprogram -- which took years.

Without doubt, one of the questions many women have is whether the psychopath was inducing trance, hypnosis, mind control, or used other forms of covert coercion. Many women ask this question because they acted contrary to their own relational histories with other men. Or, they felt heavily emotionally overpowered, trance-y, or spaced out through much of the relationship. So, does the psychopath have the ability to induce trance? The answer is yes. The psychopath also uses positive suggestion. Combined with a trance state, this can be quite effective with women who are high in cooperation. The psychopath gives positive suggestions when he agrees with her ideas, flatters her own self identity, and gives positive reinforcement. This is practically the psychopath’s entire repertoire in the luring and honeymoon phases.

Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their women are. They probably mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through [his coercing her to] in some way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on.

Why YWL did this... is still beyond my understanding. He says "it takes two to tango." That statement is predator blame-shifting 101.
 

~ Bidermans Chart of Coercion ~

Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional & psychological abuse. The original Bidermans Chart of Coercion identifies these methods and tactics of power and control used by abusers and their anticipated result. This Chart was originally a publication called "Report of Torture", which depicted the brainwashing of prisoners during war. Diana Russel later reprinted it in her book "Rape in Marriage." The tactics used are:

ISOLATION -

this deprives the victim of all social support that is necessary for the ability to resist. It makes the victim develop an intense concern with self. It also makes the victim dependent upon the interrogator, just like our predators, wanting all the control. They demean our family, friends, jobs and schooling, to the point that we generally give them all up. We begin to believe what they are telling us and fear what may happen, if we don't go along with them. Once they take away our outside support system, so we have no one telling us anything different, than what they are saying. 
 

MONOPOLIZATION OF PERCEPTION -

this fixes attention upon the immediate predicament and fosters introspect. It eliminates any stimuli competing with those controlled by them, and it frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance. This makes us worry about each moment, we have little or no outside contact or focus, just what is happening with our abusive situation and if we don't abide by what they say or want, we know how bad it can and will get. 

 

INDUCED DEBILITY AND EXHAUSTION -

this weakens both our mental and physical ability to resist. How many of our abusers picked 3am to cause an uproar? Odd or emotional times, when we were not strong enough to resist. Or the ones who want you to waiting around online for them, only come on at late hours once they have you hooked, not let you sleep, then go at it with you all night long. They know when we are tired, we are more vulnerable and more apt to give in to their demands, without a fight. Exhaustion makes it even more difficult to counter the accusations and we agree to things we never would under normal conditions. 

 

THREATS -

this cultivates anxiety and despair. Threats can be as bad or worst than actions, the fear this can instill can do an incredible amount of emotional damage and alot to keep us in line. This is an emotional blackmail.


 

OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES -

this provides positive motivation for compliance. Often after the abuse, during the "honeymoon stage" they may send flowers, call you all the time, "love bomb" you, be kind and promise unconditional love, ect. Some nice little things, which to the victim will usually mean alot, when we are so wide open with pain. It will always happen when we are most vulnerable. But to the sociopath it only means more control!

 

 

DEMONSTRATING "OMNIPOTENCE" -

this suggests futility of resistance. Making you believe they are completely capable and have the ability to carry out any threats and warnings they have given you, if you don't comply. They have all the power and you better do as they say, regardless of what you may feel about these things.


 ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS -
this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak -- what they 'expect' in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they "need" them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.

 

DEGRADATION -

this makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to "animal level" concerns. In other word, if you don't go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

All of these methods have been used on us, day after day. The road to freedom and healing begins with overcoming everything they have worked so hard to put into place in our minds. This sometimes requires an understanding trauma therapist. It is not an easy task. 

The first step is to acknowledge them for what they are - tactics to have power and control over us. Most everything that has been said to us are lies and empty promises. We must totally begin to think for ourselves and wipe out all the negative things that we have been programmed to believe and feel.

Every one of us must know, none of it was our fault, we didn’t ask for it and we definitely did not and do not deserve it.

There is nothing any of us could have done differently, or better that would of changed how they have acted, or made the trauma not happen.

That is the sole choice and problem of the predator. They usually will never admit that though.

No one deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form - even online. It is our right to be happy and free from abuse. The users of these tactics are criminals, just as a rapist, an armed robber or a murderer.

They should be treated as such and not be made excuses for or their abuse and preying on us covered up.

----------------------------- 


http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com  2009-02-12 0
Awesome post- thank you All that guilt and shame that psychopaths such as this Yidwithlid place upon us continually crush our morals and our worth as human beings. It is emotional rape plain and simple.

TRUTH: IT MAKES YOU ANGRY AND SETS YOU FREE

Truths that make us angry 

1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.  

2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us. 

3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills — which is patently unfair. 

4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied. 

 5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off. 

Truths that set us free

6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.  

7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know — when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.  

8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.  

9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.  

10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us... Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free. 

 

(thanks to LoveFraud.com)