Over the years I have lost track of the emails I have gotten about this blog. They fell into 3 categories:
Thanking me for talking about what happened to me because it validated their experience(s) with their alleged Narcissist or Socio/Psychopath
Telling me about their experience with Yid with Lid re: his blog or in person. 100% of what they told me validated the pattern of pathology I identified in his treatment of me after all my therapy, clinic stay and C-PTSD management work with counselors.
Begging me to start posting here again because they needed more validation for their own pathological relationships
I decided to start doing the last. Not because there is anything at all left to say about Yid with Lid. Nor am I interested in 'stirring it all up again.' But I am going to do what was requested. Use this story to continue to educate others about this sort of destructive interpersonal pathology, how it works, and that it is in NO WAY the fault of us victims! My friend Kathy Krajco, who wrote EXTENSIVELY on Narcissism passed away in 2007. Her insightful writing is deeply missed but I will use some of what she'd written about a Pathological's traits, rather than what I consider to be the obtuse DSM-V description.Eight red flags of narcissism as listed originally by (now deceased) Kathy Krajco:
puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
damages the images of most others
has a history of past upheavals
is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior -- backwards reactions to things
is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
is extremely self-absorbed
has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others
I will post about these Eight Red Flags in the context of what Yid with Lid did to me to illustrate the pathology, as well as more as I identify it.I hope this helps someone with their ongoing healing, as it has helped me. I have spent the last couple years working towards getting my counseling degree to be able to help the thousands of victims of these types of men. Their pain is mine - and the effects are profound. We may never be the same - but we can move forward.
"Whosoever saves one life, saves the world entire." - Talmud
(with regards to this post. I have received numerous emails that YID with LID is doing the same & cutting off those in the blogosphere who don't agree with his posts on his blog or other blogs and ask for discussion. Why discuss anything or listen to anyone's reasoning when you're YWL?)
Manipulators. We've all been taken in by them. All malignant narcissists are manipulators, though not all manipulators are narcissists. Either way, it is impossible to avoid them. It is possible to minimize our susceptibility to them.The concept that has helped me the most in enabling me to recognize when someone is trying to force me into what they want from me is the reality that manipulators are aggressive, and most times they are able to hide their aggression. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. of "In Sheep's Clothing" calls them "covert-aggressives". As I read his book I realized that my whole experience with my sister especially, but also my mother, was that of being up against a covertly-aggressive person. My sister is better at it than my mother is. Interestingly enough.Simon makes a great case for opening our eyes to what is really happening in these interactions; that the character disordered individual, or simply aggressive person, is fighting to get their own way when they use certain tactics. And he points out that they are tactics. Not defensive reactions.
"...viewing someone who's in the act of aggressing as being defensive in any sense is a major set-up for victimization." pg. 95
He also describes the tactics of the covert-aggressive as beinganother form of lying.One of the first things their tactics accomplish for them isto conceal the fact that they are fighting with you.They are refusing to allow you to have the opinion you have, the standards you have, the decision you've made. They are attempting to force your surrender to their way, their opinion, their standards (or lack thereof). But the first thing they must do is come at you in such a way that the first thing you'll think is that they are reacting defensively. They hide their aggressiveness under a cloak of pretense that they are simply acting out of defensiveness which, of course, means that you attacked them. So the next thing their tactics accomplish is putting you on the defensive. Now you are knocked off-balance and the covert-aggressive will likely start throwing so many different manipulative tactics at you at once that you end up falling for the ruse and capitulate.Simon states that it is impossible to list all the tactics manipulators use, but he does make a short list of the most popular ones. He starts with "minimization". It is a 'oh my god' moment to see it spelled out. How many, many times have my mother or sister used this tactic on me and others?? It could not be counted.Simon again contrasts the behavior of the neurotic with that of the character disordered as he explains this tactic:
"...the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain...Neurotics frequently make mountains out of molehills, or 'catastrophize.' The disturbed character frequently trivializes the nature of his wrongdoing.Manipulators do this to make a person who might confront them feel they've been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation."
Then the money quote, in my opinion:
"Minimization is not primarily the way they make themselves feel better about what they did, it's primarily the way they try to manipulate my impression of them. They don't want me to see them as a person who behaves like a thug. Because they are most often comfortable with their aggressive personality style, they also want me to believe that there's nothing wrong with the kind of person they are." pg. 97
Can you see thelie that is the fabric of this type of manipulation? If you miss the lie, you can be convinced by the manipulator that you are the one aggressing against them. You are the one who is misapprehending the truth of what happened, the truth of what they are. You big meanie. Look at poor little defensive me trying to stand up against your mean and nasty aggression against me! I was only...fill in the blank...as they cut that mountain down to the size of a zit. You back down because suddenly they are the victim and you are hurting them. You fall for the wounded wing act. The one who was truly fighting for their own way is pretending that you are the one who picked the fight, who is being unfair, who needs to admit you are wrong!I so loathe this sneaky way of lying to get ones way.I had read this book some months before my last interaction with my sister. I had forgotten about the book, but some of the concepts I had learned were operational for me. My sister's aggression was immediately obvious to me. I did not allow her to minimize the mountain. I didn't believe the covert lie that by my having a certain opinion that I had put her on the defensive. I again highly recommend this little book. It can save your sanity when you're suddenly in a "fight" with a sneaky little lying f-ing manipulator. SOURCE
Remember this comment from here? Well, I got so many emails with resources on this one -- I am reposting this comment WITH the resources & comments. Not my words, the words of professionals & people like Kathy Krajco & Anna Valerious. Friends who are brutally honest with me and who GET IT! (YWL's original comments are in BLUE)
Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice.Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. **Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap!**
But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy.That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good.
You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that.In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period. - Kathy Krajco
"you were a married woman" - YWL Actually, I was estranged from my husband already when he looked me up on Classmates.com. I got this one in my email from a friend and was just STUNNED at how it fit:
Moral principles are a person’s sense of right and wrong. The women victims had high moral principles and an internal moral compass of right and wrong. Their moral sense and its relationship to a psychopath are quite interesting. Although many of them tested very high in the morality department, they ended up with the immoral and unprincipled psychopath. Psychopaths interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her. Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat.
In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in.Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They mimicked the women’s own moral principles.Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the psychopath. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life.
Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on.Her compassion is likely to keep her helping and supporting, all the way to the bitter end. The psychopath’s salesmanship has women believing that “just a little more” support/help/compassion/ empathy/tolerance will get him to the place that no other woman was able to help him get to. After all, she’s come this far and invested this much if just a little more investment will finally get her what she wants in him, then it’s worth it to just hang in there!Of course, it’s down the road that women realize that all the support in the world can’t change the incurableness of his pathology.
The sooner you move on with your life, the sooner you will heal physically, emotionally spiritually.- YWL
“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” - Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel.
As far as I am are concerned, I publicly confessed my iniquity, I publicly showed contriteness by baring my soul. - YWL
Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable. more from the Big Babies Club here
As far I am concerned you can continue dragging my name through the mud, while whitewashing your own responsibility. - YWL
"Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth. I have treated individuals who have lied most egregiously by reciting a litany of true facts!
How does someone lie by telling only true things? They do so by leaving out important other, important facts essential to understanding the truth of the whole story." In Sheep's Clothing, pg. 98
I don't see how seeking APPROPRIATE ACCOUNTABILITY & REPARATIONS is game playing.
What does facing the facts about narcissists teach us?
They act out of malice that envies everything in others, even self respect.It also teaches us not to let the holier-than-thous load a guilt trip on us for holding him or her accountable for damage done. It's just sanctimony. Which is phony.Narcissist sympathizers are a huge part of the problem. Blow them off. Misplaced love or sympathy or loyalty is vice, not a virtue.
I WILL NO LONGER BE BULLIED BY YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. I am dropping it--no more posts or comments. - YWL
The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist's abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn't happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?
Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that's nothing, but if I bash a human being, that's something.
If I step on a bug, that's nothing, but if I step on a human being, that's something.
Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don't get it — until they're the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgment in making nothing of it.By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn't tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation.
But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgment.
And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now?First he got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser's behavior, not the victim's. There's a name for people like that, "Job's Comforters" or "troublesome comforters." That's what I mean when I say that people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says
Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it's a sin for you to not cover up for him by acting like it didn't happen.
Just what you needed to hear, right? So, who's side are they really on? whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn't it? What a heartless thing to do to someone already down.Why can't they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they'd have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead?Sometimes I think they just don't want your sad face to rain on their day. I think it's for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want you to make it go away, to act like it didn't happen.If it's a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgment in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!
Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem.The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn't it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right — the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of person would docilely accept abuse? would make nothing of it? A person who thinks he or she is entitled to better treatment? A person who thinks anything of him- or her-self? A person with any self-respect? any dignity? integrity? a backbone?
If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.
Sounders like to sound good by making others sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim's nose in it? That's what it feels like. It's no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to stifle your objection.
When you decide that the health of your kids are worth more than your bruised ego, you will drop it too, - YWL
My 'bruised ego'? Now he's giving psychological advice?? ROFL. Talk about PROJECTION. In case YWL missed it the last time:
If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.
"This is why every malignant narcissist is also a character assassin. His or her line is "I'm good because So-and-So is bad." The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period. They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug. Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything iwith a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.- Kathy Krajco
...until then regardless of how much abuse you and your friends choose to heap on me I will not react. - YWL
"The disturbed character always wants things the easy way. He hates to accept obligation. He gets far more joy out of 'conning' people. - George Simon IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING
THERE WILL BE NO MORE POSTS ON THIS BLOG ON THIS MATTER. - YWL
Many offenders are fond of saying, “But I didn’t mean it that way” or “I never meant for that to happen” . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS ARE......Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their “mistakes”- this tells us that these are not really “mistakes” at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense. Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when he is caught or confronted, so he will not admit what he did. He will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior.
He will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought he was getting away with it. He will not admit he was wrong, he will not sincerely apologize, and he will not try to rectify the damage he did.
The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, his words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, he knew what he was doing and the effects it might have, but he decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise he would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. His ego would not be at stake, and he would not react with the shame of someone who was “caught” doing wrong.
One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others- anything but admit that he was wrong and take responsibility for his own words or actions.
YWL contends that I am using the "coercion" angle to duck my own responsibility in this whole thing. Funny thing is, I took TOTAL responsibility until the police and my PTSD/ trauma counselors went PAGE BY PAGE through all the chats and showed me what was done to me.
It explained so much... and then I had to deprogram -- which took years.
Without doubt, one of the questions many women have is whether the psychopath was inducing trance, hypnosis, mind control, or used other forms of covert coercion. Many women ask this question because they acted contrary to their own relational histories with other men. Or, they felt heavily emotionally overpowered, trance-y, or spaced out through much of the relationship. So, does the psychopath have the ability to induce trance? The answer is yes.The psychopath also uses positive suggestion. Combined with a trance state, this can be quite effective with women who are high in cooperation.The psychopath gives positive suggestions when he agrees with her ideas, flatters her own self identity, and gives positive reinforcement. This is practically the psychopath’s entire repertoire in the luring and honeymoon phases.
Since psychopaths are chameleons,they pretend to be whatever their women are.They probably mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through [his coercing her to] in some way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on.
Why YWL did this... is still beyond my understanding. He says "it takes two to tango." That statement is predator blame-shifting 101.
Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional & psychological abuse. The original Bidermans Chart of Coercion identifies these methods and tactics of power and control used by abusers and their anticipated result. This Chart was originally a publication called "Report of Torture", which depicted the brainwashing of prisoners during war. Diana Russel later reprinted it in her book "Rape in Marriage."The tactics used are:
ISOLATION -
this deprives the victim of all social support that is necessary for the ability to resist. It makes the victim develop an intense concern with self. It also makes the victim dependent upon the interrogator, just like our predators, wanting all the control. They demean our family, friends, jobs and schooling, to the point that we generally give them all up. We begin to believe what they are telling us and fear what may happen, if we don't go along with them. Once they take away our outside support system, so we have no one telling us anything different, than what they are saying.
MONOPOLIZATION OF PERCEPTION -
this fixes attention upon the immediate predicament and fosters introspect. It eliminates any stimuli competing with those controlled by them, and it frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance. This makes us worry about each moment, we have little or no outside contact or focus, just what is happening with our abusive situation and if we don't abide by what they say or want, we know how bad it can and will get.
INDUCED DEBILITY AND EXHAUSTION -
this weakens both our mental and physical ability to resist. How many of our abusers picked 3am to cause an uproar? Odd or emotional times, when we were not strong enough to resist. Or the ones who want you to waiting around online for them, only come on at late hours once they have you hooked, not let you sleep, then go at it with you all night long.They know when we are tired, we are more vulnerable and more apt to give in to their demands, without a fight. Exhaustion makes it even more difficult to counter the accusations and we agree to things we never would under normal conditions.
THREATS -
this cultivates anxiety and despair. Threats can be as bad or worst than actions, the fear this can instill can do an incredible amount of emotional damage and alot to keep us in line. This is an emotional blackmail.
OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES -
this provides positive motivation for compliance. Often after the abuse, during the "honeymoon stage" they may send flowers, call you all the time, "love bomb" you, be kind and promise unconditional love, ect. Some nice little things, which to the victim will usually mean alot, when we are so wide open with pain. It will always happen when we are most vulnerable. But to the sociopath it only means more control!
DEMONSTRATING "OMNIPOTENCE" -
this suggests futility of resistance. Making you believe they are completely capable and have the ability to carry out any threats and warnings they have given you, if you don't comply. They have all the power and you better do as they say, regardless of what you may feel about these things.
ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS - this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak -- what they 'expect' in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they "need" them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.
DEGRADATION -
this makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to "animal level" concerns. In other word, if you don't go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of these methods have been used on us, day after day. The road to freedom and healing begins with overcoming everything they have worked so hard to put into place in our minds. This sometimes requires an understanding trauma therapist. It is not an easy task.
The first step is to acknowledge them for what they are - tactics to have power and control over us. Most everything that has been said to us are lies and empty promises. We must totally begin to think for ourselves and wipe out all the negative things that we have been programmed to believe and feel.
Every one of us must know, none of it was our fault, we didn’t ask for it and we definitely did not and do not deserve it.
There is nothing any of us could have done differently, or better that would of changed how they have acted, or made the trauma not happen.
That is the sole choice and problem of the predator. They usually will never admit that though.
No one deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form - even online. It is our right to be happy and free from abuse. The users of these tactics are criminals, just as a rapist, an armed robber or a murderer.
They should be treated as such and not be made excuses for or their abuse and preying on us covered up.
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http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com2009-02-12 0 Awesome post- thank you All that guilt and shame that psychopaths such as this Yidwithlid place upon us continually crush our morals and our worth as human beings. It is emotional rape plain and simple.
1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.
2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us.
3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills — which is patently unfair.
4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied.
5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off.
Truths that set us free
6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.
7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know — when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.
8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.
9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.
10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us... Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free.
1. Excuse Making - Excuses are made by the antisocial for anything and everything. Whenever held accountable for actions, excuses are often given. Excuses are a means of finding a reason to justify his behavior. Examples: "I'm dumb - I couldn't help it", "I don't know", "I was never loved", "My family was poor", "My family was rich", "She/he did not say stop", "She/he played my game too",
2. Blaming – Blaming is an excuse to not solve a problem and is used by the antisocial to excuse his behavior and build up resentment toward someone else for "causing" whatever has happened. Examples: "I couldn't do it because he got in my way", "The trouble with you is you're always looking at me in a critical way", "She/he should have told someone sooner", "She/he wanted me to..." Blaming is often seen in what seems like ordinary conversation, that is, the antisocial may be observing someone else's behavior which has nothing to do with his/her, and still make blaming comments about other people. This often generates excitement for the antisocial and is used to put others down, while he/she builds himself/herself up.
3. Justifying – Justifying is the antisocial’s way of explaining the reason for things. Examples: "If you can, I can", "I was so lonely I had to...", "She/he yelled at me, so that is why I hit", "No one listens to me so that's why I can't do anything" The person with antisocial thinking finds justification for any and all issues that he does not wish to own responsibility for.
4. Redefining – Redefining is shifting the focus of an issue to avoid solving a problem. Examples: Question - "Why are you running up and down the hall?" Answer - "I'm not running, I am just keeping time to the music in my head." Question - "Who put this paper here?" Answer - "It wasn't there yesterday." Question - "Where are the books that I borrowed from the library, and left on this desk?" Answer - "John was hanging around here this morning." Redefining is used as a power play to get the focus off the person in question. It is also indicative of ineffective thinking; not dealing with the problem at hand.
5. Superoptimism - "I think; therefore it is." The superoptimistic antisocial decides that because he wants some things to be a certain way, or thinks it will be a certain way, therefore it is. This permits the antisocial to function according to what he wants, rather than according to the facts of the situation. Examples: If the antisocial expects someone to visit them at their house, they may not take into account that the person may have other plans, or simply the arrangements haven't been made. They fully expect the person to show up. When the person doesn't show up, this gives the antisocial an excuse to explode, be angry, or have a tantrum. Superoptimistic people also believe that they can be famous, popular, strong, movie stars, rich, etc. simply by wishing it, and never take into account the practical steps along the way.
6. Lying - Lying is the most commonly know characteristic of antisocial thinking. Lying is done by all antisocials in different ways at different times. Lying is a power play and is often used to confuse, distort, and make fools of other people. There are three basic kinds of lies: commission - making things up that are simply not true omission - saying partly what is so, but leaving out major sections assent - making believe that one agrees with someone else, or pretending, or approving of others ideas to look good when in fact, the person has no intention of going along with this, or does not really agree. The same antisocial at different times can look like he is lying and be telling the truth, can look like he is not lying and be lying, can look like he is lying, and in fact, not be lying. This creates turmoil around him, and people are never sure what is going on.
7. "Making Fools Of" - This is the effect of lying on others, and "taking others with them." Antisocials make fools of others by agreeing to do things, and not following through, by saying things they don't mean, by setting others up to fight, by inviting frustrations and letting people down, and in numerous other ways. Making fools of others is a major ploy for antisocials and a major behavior common to all. Antisocials delight in making fools of professional people, such as therapists, lawyers, judges, anyone they can take in , telling stories to "get over on".
8. Build-up- To an antisocial, everything they perceive as positive, they use to build themselves up, and they generally do this by putting others down. In fact, almost everything said to an antisocial that is not seen as a build-up, is seen as a put down. The antisocial can take insignificant events, such as someone not speaking to them on the street, and assume that this means they are either despised by this other person, or that they are better than the other person. The thinking that goes along with this is that the antisocial is always right and everyone else is wrong.
9. Assuming - The antisocial spends a great deal of time assuming what others think, what others feel, what others are doing. He/she uses this assumption in service of whatever criminal activity or behavior he decides to engage in. Examples: The antisocial assumes that other people don't like him. This gives him an excuse to blow up, be angry or rob, molest, not pay his taxes, or any other thing he has in mind. Assuming takes place every day and the antisocial makes assumptions about whatever he wishes in order to support his antisocial behavior.
10. "I'm Unique"- The antisocial believes that he is unique and special, that no one else is like him, and so any information that is applied to other people simply doesn't affect him. The beliefs going along with this are things such as "I know everything and I can handle things alone." "I don't need anyone, no one, no understands me anyway." "No one can tell me what to do." It is common in a prison for a criminal to believe that everyone else are criminals, but not him. A child molester may think - "I'm not like all those other dirty child molesters; I'm different."
11. Ingratiating- The antisocial often overdoes being nice to others, and going out of his way to act interested in other people. This is phony and always has a hidden price tag. The antisocial is always out to find out what he can get from other people, how he can manipulate them, use them, or control the situation to his own purpose.
12. Fragmented Personality - "If I like it, okay; if not, to hell with it." It is very common for the antisocial to attend church on Sunday, and beat someone up, or con someone on Tuesday, and then attend church again on Wednesday. To the antisocial, there is no inconsistency in this behavior. He believes he is a good person, and is justified in whatever he does. His criminal acts are seen as things that he deserves to do, or get, or own, or possess, or control. He never considers the inconsistency between these behaviors.
13. Minimizing - The antisocial often minimizes his behavior and actions by talking about it in such a way that is seems insignificant. This is not accounting for the significance of his behavior. Minimizing is particularly seen when the antisocial is confronted on some irresponsible behavior. Examples: "I only molested three children, and I could have molested a lot more, but I didn't." "I didn't hand in the paper when it was due, but I handed in everything else, so it's no big deal."
14. Vagueness - The antisocial is typically unclear and non-specific to avoid being pinned down on a particular issue. He is non-committable, and uses words, phrases, and talks in a way to look good to others, but not to commit himself to anything. Examples: Vague words such as: "I more or less think so", "I guess", "probably", "maybe", "I might", "I'm not sure about this", "It possibly was", "if you want to", "it's up to you", "that's nice" etc.
15. Anger - Anger is one of the only emotions the antisocial ever expresses. This is not real anger most of the time, (in fact 99% of the time), but is used to control others, or to use power in a situation. The antisocial has unrealistic expectation about the people in the world, and controls others and situations by aggression, blaming, isolation, giving up, power plays, anything he can do to freeze the situation and make it as he wishes.
16. Power Plays - The antisocial uses power plays whenever he isn't getting his way in a situation; such as walking out of a room during a disagreement, giving up responsibilities, or not completing a job that he agrees to do, refusing to listen or hear what someone else has to say, organizing people to be angry at others in his support.
17. Victim Playing - This is a major role that the antisocial takes. The underlying issue is aggression and power plays. However, the antisocial acts as if they are unable to think, solve problems, or do anything for themselves; they often whine, shuffle, look woebegone, helpless, as if they are too stupid to do anything for themselves. The belief is that if he doesn't get whatever he wants, he is the victim. Since the basic belief is that he is good and others are bad, he justifies his victim playing at all times. The position of victim playing is used to strike back and make fools of others. The victim player transacts with others to invite either criticism, or rescue, from those around him.
18. Drama-Excitement - Since the antisocial does not live a real life in the sense of getting his needs met directly, he does anything and everything for drama and excitement instead. To the antisocial, boredom is the main evil. Excitement is generated at anyone's expense. Whereas other people may get involved in less-than-straight transactions with others in order to feel sad, or hurt, or self-righteous; the antisocial involves himself in activities for the sheer drama and excitement of this. It is seen as exciting, therefore, for an antisocial to watch other people be angry, to set up fights, watch houses burn, to get any kind of action going.
19. Closed Channel- The antisocial is selective, closed-minded and self-righteous. The responsible person is open, receptive, and self critical. Part of the antisocials thinking is that he must keep part of his life secret, to divert issues. He believes that no one is smarter than him, and would never think that he is wrong in a situation.
20. Ownership- "If I want it, it's mine." The antisocial believes that anything he wants - people, possessions are his simply by his wanting it. He is therefore jealous if anyone acts in some way that he dislikes. He treats people as pawns. He also uses his thinking to steal from others anything that he wants.
21. Image - The antisocial's image of a true male is tough and rough and mean and puts other people down. He often has ideas of males as adventurers, cowboys, pirates, etc. The antisocial walks and talks in such a way to support his image - the other image the antisocial plays is that of the victim. The person walks and talks and acts in such a way to support his victim image.
22. Grandiosity - Grandiosity is minimizing or maximizing the significance of an issue, and it justifies not solving the problem. Examples: "I was too scared to do anything else but sit." "I'm the best there is, no one else can get in my way."
23. Procrastinate - To put off from day to day; to delay; to defer to a future time. To delay action. Example: "I will bring up the problem tomorrow. I just don't feel like discussing it now", "I'd do that later, when it's safe/ comfortable"
COMMENTS nuntiagratia@gmail.com2009-08-25 14:53:57 do you by any chance know my husband?! lol from the description it is definitely him
Narcissism is a force that is infiltrating the people in our society in great numbers. It is a self-absorbed energy that takes control of people and robs them of their ability to love or care about anyone else.Malignant Narcissism is found in people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! These people are destructive forces in our society. They are the energy vampires who take, take, take but never truly give!When in the presence of these energy vampires we slowly feel our life-force energy draining away! We become tired, and often lose ourselves in a big way!Narcissists are very manipulative, having mastered the art of manipulation. They know how to suck us into their distorted Web of reality and keep us there like prey, waiting to be consumed.If we knew what was happening, we could escape and detach our life-force from the narcissist. But most of us have no idea what is happening. Our energy is taken ever so slowly and we are caught unaware!In the end, it is often too late! We have already been sucked dry!
Have you heard the story of the frog and the pot of boiling water? If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump out, however if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it to boiling it will die.Being with a narcissist is the slow boil! We are not aware that the temperature is ever so slowly increasing and we build up a resistance to it.
The result is the feeling of having just been raped on a very deep level.
It is a soul rape!
Like any person in an abusive relationship we develop coping mechanisms. We distort the truth just as the narcissist has. We believe what we want to believe! We believe what we need to believe for our own survival!It is typical we blame ourselves, after all we are the ones going crazy! They seem unaffected by our deteriorating self-worth and depreciating energy levels. To them it is just another reason to condemn us for not being enough.Eventually, however we do begin to get very angry at the narcissist! Our souls are rebelling! We know that something is wrong! We feel on some level they have taken something from us and we want it back!If this story feels or sounds familiar to you, it is likely you have been involved in a relationship with a narcissist.Someone with narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with them. They believe the problem always lies outside of themselves andwill always project their inner state of darkness upon those closest to them.
The worst kind of evil is the kind that comes with total lack of responsibility for ones actions and behavior! It is never their fault! Nothing is!
Even if they hit you or do something horrible towards you, it was your fault! You caused it! It was your behavior that led them to the dirty deed!
Because you are human, and willing to consider your own responsibility you may start to own his behavior. You may start to believe it is your fault and try harder to please him.However you will never win because there is no winning with a Narcissist. With a narcissist there is only win/lose, never win/win. They must always win at the expense of others.Does a narcissist know what he/she is doing?His reality is so distorted and dark that he cannot see his own actions and behavior as being anything out of the ordinary. He may realize he is different but that uniqueness is interpreted as “special”. He inflates his own sense of importance and worth to a point where he puts himself above others. He may appear as arrogant and anti-social.He has a need to be seen in a glorified light and will only give his attention to those who see him this way!As long as you praise the Narcissist and focus only on all of his wonderful traits you will be in his good favor.
If anyone close to him calls him on his behavior or dares confront him on his less than caring or considerate treatment of them he will quickly put that person in his/her place and which is NOT WORTHY of his company.
It is often difficult for Victims of narcissistic abuse to understand what has happened to them. They believe that the narcissist loved them and cared for them so it is quite a shock to see how easily he devalues and discards them when they truly begin to question the reality of the relationship.
As long as the “victim” plays along and doesn’t make waves, everything is fine! However any confrontation or questioning is likely to set off something called narcissistic rage!
Narcissistic rage is taken out on the victim in the form of harassment, threats, devaluing, discarding, smear campaigns and other forms of abuse meant to punish.
The Narcissist knows how to play upon our core feelings of shame and inadequacy. This is what he uses to control and manipulate us.
When we begin getting clever to his ways this is when he will completely discard us as having no further value in his life!
When we find ourselves at this point there is no avenue for completion or closure. We are not allowed to share our feelings, and there are a lot of them!
We are not allowed to talk things out or come to some sense of understanding as to what just happened! Instead we have been deemed worthless and thrown out completely!
Believing there was an actual loving relationship in place, we have a need to have some sense of completion with the person we were involved with. We want to talk things over and even have a sense that they care about the relationships ending!But there is normally no completion! The narcissist will either ignore that you have ended the relationship and continue on as if nothing happened, orhe will simply discard you and start a relationship with someone else, often from your circle of friends so you are sure to witness it!The sad truth that you must eventually face is that there really was never a relationship! It was one sided! The narcissist never truly engaged on an emotional level with you! It may have seemed that he did. You may have memories of tears and emotional incidents around the relationship. That is because a narcissist will seem to react emotionally to your actions and you take it as a sign of caring.The truth of a narcissist is he is incapable of experiencing the very human qualities of compassion and empathy. This means he cannot imagine what you might be feeling or even care! It is all about him! He is hyper focused on what he is feeling and your feelings are of no importance to him!He projects his repressed emotions onto you and holds you responsible.
He will often accuse you of doing to him what he is doing to you!
Narcissism is a personality disorder that was formulated in childhood! We have a tendency to want to see a narcissist as “normal” but there is nothing normal about him. He is not operating in the same reality or anywhere near the same reality you are operating in.Your need to put him in the same reality is where you get stuck. You want to see him as a normal person capable of loving you and caring about you. This is the illusion you bought into and the only way to break out of the illusion is to recognize the truth! He doesn’t and never did really care about you! It is a difficult truth to swallow!We often feel very used! We come to recognize our roles in the narcissist’s life as nothing more than a source of fuel for the narcissistic fire. We are to him what blood is to a vampire! Our own sense of specialness is reduced to a complete sense of worthlessness.How did we get to a point where we feel so worthless? Well, over the months spent with a narcissist we slowly gave pieces of our soul away in attempt to stay in the good graces of the narcissist, which wasn’t an easy task. We were conditioned to ignore our own needs in favor of his.We gave and gave of ourselves until there was nothing more to give and at this point we began to ask for something in return or we ended the relationship.By this time we had been depleted of our life-force energy. This is truly what the energy vampire feeds off of.Like the frog in the pot of water we over compensate for the increasing heat by surrendering our own sense of reality to his distorted reality. We may say it’s getting hot in here and he convinces us it is really quite cool and asks us what is wrong with us.Instead of honoring our own interpretation of reality we forfeit it in favor of his. “Oh, he thinks it’s cool so maybe I’m just having a hot-flash!”The narcissist is very skilled at helping us disassemble our own sense of reality. He rewards us with positive feedback for admitting fault or surrendering to his version of reality. Since we are human creatures we respond to positive reinforcement. Over time we are unconsciously conditioned to give up our reality in exchange for positive re-enforcement.But underneath it all we are really angry with ourselves! We have given up our reality in favor of a distorted reality that truly makes no sense to us. We run around feeling hot, or angry, or confused and the narcissistic interpretation is that there is something wrong with us!
We don’t realize that the only thing wrong with us is that we are being brainwashed!
Once we do finally begin to wake up, the narcissist is usually well on his way to a new source of energy! We are left trying to unscramble the confused reality we are left with. We have to sort through all the pieces and figure out what is ours and what is his.Our mind and our reality have been confused for so long it takes a lot of unscrambling to finally get a sense of ourselves once again.I having gone through two relationships in a row with a narcissist.The reason I got involved with the second one is that I was still somewhat distorted and fragile in my sense of self-worth when I met the second one. This put me in a position of being ripe prey!
I was very vulnerable and narcissists love innocence and vulnerability!
The second relationship was a long awakening process. I actually used the situation to regain myself before I ever left. I slowly came to the realization I was in another narcissistic relationship although I didn’t want to admit it!But once I finally left I was armed with the one thing that helped me get myself back quickly ! Knowledge!I knew the game and I knew what he was doing to punish me. I knew the rules of non-engagement and I had spiritual tools to help me reclaim my soul!
