I am relieved every day that I went public with Dunetz's abuse, despite my feeling very humiliated at first. Not because I wanted revenge but as someone who believes strongly in God - I believe it is our duty to tell so the other person can get help, try to change (if possible) and help others around them. It is horrifying to realize that you were USED for free sex with lies and then told it's your own darn fault .
But even more horrifying to not speak up about it.
I do not believe in cover ups - which is why I went public with my own behavior in this and what I learned happened from what happened to me. I fully realize now I was mind controlled by someone who was pulling my strings. I learned how this was done, how my own oxytocin and serotonin was used to manipulate me and get me to cross my own boundaries; and then blame ME for it. I no longer accept that blame because it was never mine to start with.I have gotten so many private emails from victims about this blog. They said they saw their own Sociopathic or Narcissistic abuser in what I discussed here and then I was able to direct them on to get help, validation and heal from what happened. The other emails are from other bloggers or net users who have had run-ins with Dunetz's ongoing hypocrisy, need for attention, and explosive anger with anyone who doesn't agree with him or cover-up for him, and so on. It has been very validating but sad that he has made no attempt to get help for his pathology and continues to beat down anyone who holds the mirror up to him and his behaviors.
More on rebuke, telling and the 'right thing to do':
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I wonder where folks get the idea that Judeo-Christians have to be meek and mild, silently enduring mistreatment, tolerating anything anybody else does, and timidly standing by while abusers trample all over them and other innocent victims. Since when is it a sin to speak out against evil? This is what our abusers want us to believe, and they just love throwing it back in our faces anytime we protest their behavior. They provoke us to anger, they cause untold pain and suffering, and then when we finally speak up, they smugly inform us that we’re not acting like “good Christians or good Jews”. This is hogwash. Abusers would just love for us to back off and be quiet while they do anything they want and get away with murder. Satan will always try to use our righteousness against us, to get us to question our faith, and to separate us from God. This is just another one of his tricks.
What kind of awesome, wonderful, All-Good God would our Father be if he actually wanted us to allow wickedness to operate unchecked in our families and our lives? This concept is preposterous, and contradicts the perfect goodness of the Lord. Our God is All-Good, and the devil is all-bad. They are diametrically opposed for all eternity. God instructs his saints to take a stand against evil and fight the good fight, not to keep silent and hide in the closet. It is God’s plan that good will triumph over evil. We are the Army of God. We must put on the full armor of God and stand against Satan and his army. That is our assignment, and our destiny as a child of God.
When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul....Ezekiel 33: 8-9 KJV
Answer a fool according to his folly, Lest he be wise in his own conceit....Proverbs 26:5 KJV
It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners (spouses, family members, new partners) will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don't Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of his ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of his, and all he really has to do, is JUST STOP IT. Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.
- I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE MAD AT ME
- DENIAL
- INAPPROPRIATE AND JUVENILE DISPLAYS OF ANGER- GRITTING TEETH, SCREAMING, SPEEDING UP THE CAR, NAME CALLING, HANGING UP THE PHONE, PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKING AWAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL ON THE LINE AND THEN PUTTING IT ON THE HOOK, BLOCKING YOU ONLINE, or SEVERAL MINUTES LATER, MIMICKING, IMITATING, OR MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU COMPLAIN OR CONFRONT HIM, ETC.
- ACCUSING YOU OF TRYING TO START AN ARGUMENT, YELLING AT HIM, SCREAMING OR SCREECHING AT HIM, OR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO UPSET HIM.
- BECOMING VINDICTIVE OR VAGUELY THREATENING-"YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU SAID", AS IF YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO CONFRONT HIM. CRYING OR LAYING ON A GUILT TRIP-"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME", "YOU DON'T LOVE ME", "HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN TO YOUR OWN MOTHER/FATHER/HUSBAND/WIFE/FRIEND?"
- 'I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF', 'THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM', 'IT'S SUBCONSCIOUS', 'YOU KNOW I DON'T MEAN IT', 'I HAVE TROUBLE EXPRESSING MYSELF' AND VARIOUS OTHER MENTAL PROBLEMS
- YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME/ YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT/ YOU TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY
- REFUSING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY RESTITUTION, AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.'
- HE'S OLD AND NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR
- BLAMING YOU
- BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE
- 'I DID IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD'
- 'WE WERE BOTH WRONG' OR 'WE BOTH HURT EACH OTHER' WHEN IN REALITY THE VICTIM DID NOTHING WRONG AT ALL.
- TRIANGULATION
- SARCASM
- 'I SAID I WAS SORRY' WITH NO CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR OR ACCOUNTABILITY TO YOU
- TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S BEEN GOING THROUGH OR WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS LIFE, AS IF THAT JUSTIFIES HIM ABUSING YOU
- TELLING YOU HE HAS REPENTED TO GOD FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOU, SO HIS CONSCIENCE IS NOW CLEAR
- TELLING YOU SHE HAS REPENTED TO GOD SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE ANY AMENDS TO YOU
- TELLING YOU GOD FORGAVE HIM AND HE DOESN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF TO YOU OR RELIVE THE PAST
- TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HIM WHETHER YOU DO OR NOT.
- TELLING YOU GOD FORGIVES HIM SO YOU HAVE TO, AS WELL.
- TELLING YOU NOT TO 'JUDGE' HIM WHEN YOU ARE CONFRONTING HIM.
- TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY
- 'AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU'
- 'YOU'RE TOO SENSITIVE'
- 'YOU TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY'
- REFUSING TO HEAR YOU OUT 'I'M LEAVING IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS'
- TURNING IT AROUND
- 'I DID THE BEST I COULD'
- 'YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM'
- TELLING YOU 'OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM'
- TELLING YOU YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH HIM; EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES HIM!
- 'YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING'
- 'NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH'
- DISOWNING YOU, 'I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!' "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND""I'M LEAVING YOU"
- 'YOU DESERVED IT!', 'YOU PLAYED MY GAME' OR 'YOU WERE ASKING FOR IT'
- ESCALATING THE ABUSE NOW THAT HE KNOWS IT'S GETTING TO YOU
- 'LET'S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US' , 'DON'T TELL ________'
- PRETENDING TO LOSE THEIR PATIENCE WITH YOUR COMPLAINTS-'JUST FORGET IT!' 'GET OVER IT!'
- MINIMIZING THE OFFENSE, TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL
