Example Three: Has a History of Past Upheavals

If you know a narcissist's history, you will usually see a track of mysterious upheavals in his life. He suddenly up and moves to a different school or job in a different town every few years. That is, every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged. In one narcissist I know of, these upheavals began with one in the eighth grade. " What Makes Narcissists Tick" pg. 79

In other words, once the narcissist has crapped enough in one place and it begins to stink they have to move on. The pile of excrement near the narcissist has made it clear to others who is doing the crapping. All that dung is what we call 'exposure'. Thus requiring a new scene for the narcissist.

With YWL it's not only exposure... but not getting his way or people disagreeing with him.

Instance one with me: In December 1976, YWL packed up and left the college we were attending and went to another. I didn't know where he went, he never bothered to even tell me he was going - where he was going - or keep in touch. The next time I heard from him was April 2002 when HE (yes HE) looked me up on Classmates.com. I have the first email and the police found his Classmates account and retrieval of my email to contact me, which blows the nonsense he's been spreading about me stalking him for years out of the water.  

Now prior to leaving, his roommate, David - was teasing him relentlessly. YWL introduced David and I and David dominated my life for the next 3 years. (I didn't find out until a couple weeks before I graduated that David was obsessed with me, that others knew about his obsession and waited until the bitter end to tell me. David tried to kill me and control my whole life... David was, I believe, the first sociopath I ever dealt with personally.) 

David had asked YWL if he'd ever slept with me. You see, David was enamored with me at the time and he asked me about my relationship with YWL and I was HONEST! I said 'yes, that I cared about YWL.' 

  YWL later told me (to cover his derriere) that he didn't think it was anyone's business rather than admitting he lied. (The fact that he published reviews of all the escorts he saw on a number of Hooker-Review-Sites tells me he thinks his amoral exploits are EVERYONE'S business!) 

There's a big difference between that and OUTRIGHT LYING! Which is what he did... and in a typically cruel and hurtful way.  

A bunch of us were in YWL and David's room. I was sitting at the end of David's bed with our friend Dan, looking out the window. I audibly heard David ask YWL if he'd been intimate with me. YWL's response is one I never forgot.
 

"HER?? I would NEVER sleep with her! She's not my type. Besides she's not even Jewish."

I got up an excused myself from the room. Didn't tell anyone I'd heard that dagger in my stomach. 

But YWL had been blowing me off and avoiding me since he started rooming with David. This "I would NEVER..." incident did it for me. I started to ignore YWL and avoid him too. 

YWL wasn't quite done with harming me. Sociopathic types never are with open-hearted people. No. Just before he packed up and left, YWL told David that yes, in fact he HAD been intimate with me. And then bolted the school and any responsibilities he may have had towards anyone there.  

The result? When I returned from Winter Break in early January 1977, David called my room (which was right downstairs) and asked me to come up. He'd obviously been ruminating over the break. He'd called my home a few times during break to chat, saying he missed me, but said nothing about this revelation. 

But now, I walked into David's room and he grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled that YWL had confirmed that we had been intimate and that he was furious with me! I was pushed/ thrown into YWL's old now-empty closet. I got up and ran downstairs, locking myself in my room. 

This was the beginning of the contentious campaign and dramatically covert abusive relationship David ran on me almost until we graduated. I am lucky to be alive. And I never heard an apology from YWL, nor anying "owning" of the results of his behavior towards me ever.   REMORSELESS.

This history of past upheavals can be more subtle than the narcissist having to physically pull up stakes and move to a new place. This is what Kathy is talking about though. If you are acquainted with someone who keeps telling you about how they had to get rid of this person, that person and the other person where all the blame rests on the other party or they had to get away -- you are witnessing a "history of past upheavals" and it is a sign you are looking at a narcissist. Moving about geographically is only one outward sign of past upheavals. High turnover in social circles and relationships is the subtler sign. I call it subtler because it requires a knowledge of that person's social history for you to follow the trend.

YWL later put me on the defensive (see article excerpts at the bottom of this post) by saying that he thought "David made me hate [him]." Not that he'd put me on the curb like garbage when he was done using me. No... somehow HE was the victim!  

YWL also says that HE broke up the 5 year engagement relationship between himself and his ex-fiance (the person he says he SHOULD have married). I wonder about that. From what he told me, if there was any truth to it... it was volatile and revolved around sex, sex and more sex. (who knows what was real and what wasn't there)  

YWL also has a poor job history since 2001. Lots of periods of unemployment. Whether it be redundancy, turnover or just bad timing... this guy's having a lot of problems maintaining income. 

He looked me up online during a period of unemployment and manipulated, brainwashed and lied to me to turn me into some 'online freebie.' Something I would never have been on my own if I wasn't brainwashed!

Kathy stated that, "every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged" that it forces the narcissist to fold up his tent and move away. It is possible that the narcissist you know has managed to arrange a Pathological Space where there are no "good angels" to hold him or her to account.

Remember YWL's lame apology about what happened? I know Elizabeth mentioned numerous times how he PROMISED her he'd be back in touch once he calmed his wife down. She had a very hard time believing she'd been dumped so quickly. But once she did realize it - she was enraged. 

I myself, have never heard from him again - and hope I never do. Just the thought of attempting to be polite to him again and his backward reaction to anything makes my stomach churn.

Sometimes the narcissist is able to form a family circle (or any social circle) in which there are no dissenters. Either the dissenters have fled or have been forcefully ousted by the majority rule of the narcissist and his underlings.

This scenario of the narcissist gaining a large enough mass of sychophants, enablers, beta narcissists in his Pathological Space means it can camoflage this red flag to onlookers and acquaintances. Beware.

In this case look for a cult following. If you find a person with a cult-leader type of effect on the people in his social circle then you can be damned sure you're looking at a narcissist. In a cult-type setting it always looks like the "Cult Leader" is the immovable rock never having to vacate his setting but forcing out those who don't fit in. It is a fake-out form of stability. Remember that families can be cult-like in construct.

This may or may not be what is going on with YWL's family and friends - I don't know but from what I've heard it is: no dissent allowed. (Another reason why he's such a good example for people to understand this type of Pathological) 

Oddly, YWL did tell me (the police & my lawyer have the verified chats) many times that his mother and sister sexually abused him when he was a child, numerous times. Looking for sympathy again with a constructed lie?

Click here for another example of YWL's lack of tolerance for a difference of opinion and getting as far away from debate and fair discussion as possible; unapologetically.  

To finish the example here, some excerpts from a wonderful article by Steve Becker, LSCW:

Accepting the Blame to Preserve the Relationship

Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment. From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors. Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault. Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
 

It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.

 

We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.

..............

   

A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying). ......... But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it. 
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On a final note, YWL 'justified' his 'relationships' with both myself and Elizabeth by telling both of us (remember verified copies of chats are on file) that his wife was cold, pious, hated sex, he was sooooo lonely, he NEEDED, he couldn't handle the lack of love/ sex... etc... There is NO JUSTIFICATION for the depraved games a pathological grooms & lures us into. None whatsoever. The blame is solely theirs.  

Kathy Krajco's Example Four: is Hated for Mysterious Reasons by People Close to Them - is next. It will probably be short because a lot of it is covered in this post!