Example Four: Is Hated for Mysterious Reasons by People Close to Them

Since YWL wouldn't allow me to get genuinely close to him (despite him saying that I was "so important" to him and he could only "really talk to" me. And him telling myself and my best friend how "devastated" he was to lose my respect and friendship... all I really have to go on is the emails I've gotten since I started this blog. I won't reveal the who-s... yes, I know that's suspect... but I don't feel that I should put people's trust in jeopardy. Ever. 

Suffice it to say I have gotten a lot of email on this blog from people who deal YWL on a fairly frequent basis. They describe the same odd, self-involved, inappropriate and downright rude behavior from him that I saw in college. Only now it has gotten a LOT worse. 
 

I feel bad for people who have to tolerate YWL for a variety of reasons. I even tried to talk a couple of them into seeing something positive about him. Yes... that's right. Me. But they can't and I understand that. 

What's really bad is I do understand how having to act phony to be around someone you hate makes an honest person feel about themselves. That you are lowering yourself to the level of someone like YWL. That, I get. 

Here's what my late friend Kathy Krajco had to say about this trait:

In fact, another red flag is being hated -- I mean really hated -- for mysterious reasons. And by people that hating is uncharacteristic of.

If, say, a person's adult son or daughter doesn't even visit him in the hospital or go to his funeral,* there is a heavy-duty reason for that. Fortunately, it's not our responsibility to judge. But we do need to appreciate the weight of such a startling fact. People do things for reasons. They are not always good reasons or just reasons, but people do things for reasons.

*Good examples: Abraham Lincoln did not go to his father's funeral, and Barbara Bush did not go to her mother's funeral.

"What Makes Narcissists Tick", pg. 79

And here's what my friend Anna Valerious has to say:

This red flag is well understood by those of us who have been through hell with a narcissist and found ourselves loathing them and forcing no contact for our protection. We would be very unlikely to judge someone else harshly if we found out they had inordinate hatred for a particular person even a parent or sibling. So this red flag is one most of us would readily understand.

Unfortunately, most people out there in the world do not have any of this understanding. They are far too quick to judge what they don't know. They are quick to condemn our hatred of a malignant narcissist as being wrong. They are naive to a fault about people who are capable of earning such hatred -- so they condemn us.

This red flag should be put on billboards and written with sky-writing: Respect the fact that people do things for reasons therefore don't be willing to judge what you know nothing of.

Remember, Kathy is talking about a mysterious, intense hatred for a particular person in someone whom you know doesn't go around routinely hating people. Narcissists, on the other hand, have a very long "enemies list" so it can't be said it is uncharacteristic of them to hate others. It is their default and normal setting. But when you meet someone who typically gets along well with most people then know for sure that if they hate someone there is a reason for it.

It isn't for you to judge whether or not the reason is "good." Frankly, it isn't anyone's damn business.

 

Do I hate YWL? No. Hate is active. I have had a few people I considered really good friends at one time suddenly do the most unconscionable things to me. My therapist and I went through these things one by one and often we found these people probably had some sort of personality disorder; since I was a target for them. Second, they often did things just as bad or worse to others... so it wasn't "personal." And hating people that do that takes too much energy. 

People like YWL aren't worth my wasting my energy on when there are other things I can and DO do that serve a much better and more healing purpose.

I do hate what he does - like using women and lying about it. I do his view of women as warm plumbing and the things he does to coerce sex out of them... including paying for it.

He also denies hating me "four years ago"... with the underlying 'unsaid' being "but I hate you now for exposing my secret life you bitch." (subtleas a brick) In fact he said he didn't have "time" for hate for a couple reasons in this exchange... yet I was shown that within a few hours he was posting some of these things around the net. 

I do hate how he made me feel. I do hate why he did this to me. And I do hate people who lie and who try to 'drum up' support for a smear campaign to cover their misdeeds. You know - the "she's a scorned woman, bunny boiler, crazy, psycho, stalker... blah blah blah." Yes, THAT nonsense I hate.  About anyone. It's childish and its a big neon sign of lying, in part, to divert people away from the truth. 

YWL implied that I have such an 'out of control ego' that I am simply angry because he didn't love me and because he wouldn't "bang" me. Pure projection.  He also has a bridge in Brooklyn for sale, I hear.

I do hate liars. And particularly people who lie to exploit and coerce others - men, women... anyone who abuses someone's trust in them to get what they want. 

(And I hate the terrorists that attacked NYC on 9/11 - a lot of us NYers took that personally. I still do.) 

  I always say to my children "I don't hate you but I do hate your behavior." This applies to YWL also.  

What about your sociopath or narcissist? Do you hate them?
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XXXXX@mail.net 2009-12-26 07:52:10 - Submitted on 2009/12/26 at 1:49am 

Barbara I wanted to thank you so much for all the investigative work you have done over time on the many different techniques that can be used on the human mind/psyche to brainwash and/ or hypnotize a person. I feel some of this was attempted on me and up until I read some of the stuff on your site about hypnosis and brainwashing, I hadn't a clue as to how very real that stuff is! Frightening. And by the way Barbara, I have read about this monster that caused you so much pain and mental and emotional & physical anguish – I read many of the links and have seen his pic, read his political blog, and the other links that showed where he rated escorts, all of that. It was truly an amazing insight into how sick and depraved the human mind can become – so thank you for posting it and being so honest. 

He’s obviously sexually perverted and lacking basic morals and integrity all the while trying to portray himself as an upstanding intellectual in the political & religious communities he rubs elbows in. He may say he’s changed – but we all know these types never change… they just get sneakier. He is beyond pathetic, beyond disgusting. 

Barbara, you are an angel… your honesty is helping me heal. God bless you.