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Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Courage of Confrontation and Accountability Contrasted with the Hostility of Accusation and Blame

by Michele Toomey, PhD 
michele@mtoomey.com 





A confrontation takes courage for many reasons, not the least of which is the self-revelation it requires. In a confrontation, we make a deliberate decision to reveal in an honest, straight forward way, how something has affected us.
 
We are always vulnerable when we reveal how we have reacted to something that has been said or done to us. Sharing our reflections on what we are thinking and feeling as we ponder our reactions is a very intimate process. It means leaving ourselves unprotected as we tell the person we are confronting how they have hurt, angered, intimidated, insulted, or disappointed us. 
If they cannot hear what we are saying without getting defensive and attacking us, we are vulnerable to their hostile reaction. If, on the other hand, they treat the information we've shared in a respectful way, an exchange can take place and self-revealing by both the confronter and the confronted can lead to greater understanding of each other. Needless to say, we would hope the latter response would occur, but, the risk is there and the uncertainty is another reason why we need courage to confront. The potentially hot situation of confronting another can easily backfire or explode. Both the confronter and the confronted must be willing to reveal and claim why they said and/or did certain things that are hard to claim. Both must be courageous and honest and dare let go of their defensiveness or any other self-protective mechanism as they dare reveal themselves so they can understand and be understood. They must reveal what was going on for them that prompted them to say or do what they did. A confrontation is an encounter that takes place on fair grounds between equals, and it requires that both the confronter and the one being confronted expose what they were thinking and feeling when the exchange took place and be accountable for those thoughts and feelings.  

Accountability is an essential ingredient in a confrontation. It keeps the confrontation honest and fair. To be accountable is to claim one's part and in the claiming to begin to understand what needs to change in order to interact fairly and respectfully. If a confrontation is successful, the honest accountability and the clarity it brings, will move things in such a way that the issue at hand can be dealt with differently. Greater understanding of what's going on for both the confronter and the confronted will lead to greater respect and care for their feelings. This, of course, yields an intimacy that allows relationships to become a special gift to be treasured. 

  Confrontation requires courage but it can yield the very desired results of deep intimacy with true caring and mutual respect. Since a confrontation calls for exposing a deeper level of one's self in an interaction, it addresses what's going on for a person underneath the words being spoken. It is not a conversation about the content of what is being said, but about one's relationship to what is being said. It begins by having the confronter reveal the underlying thoughts and feelings she/he had in response to what was said or done, and then moves to the one being confronted. The one being confronted is then called on to respond on that same level, and reveal what was going on for him/her when the exchange took place. As the conversation goes back and forth on this deeper level, each person continues to claim what was going on for them and be accountable for how they expressed themselves when unspoken thoughts and feelings were being triggered by the exchange. The conversation goes back and forth with revealing, claiming and accountability on each person's part, providing clarity and understanding of what was going on for each person. The confrontation ends with accountability being established for the thoughts and feelings and words and behaviors that contributed to the confusion, hurt, anger or fear experienced by either person. As an outgrowth of the clarity that comes from claiming what was going on underneath the words or the behavior being confronted, a certain intimacy occurs between the persons participating in the confrontation. They have communicated on a deeper level, closer to their core, and they are better known to each other as a result of the confrontation.



Future encounters should reflect what has been understood and learned from the confrontation. There should be accountability marked by mutual respect for what has occurred. This sets the stage for further encounters that are not as potentially stressful or hurtful, and not as dependent on intimidation or blame. Accountability calls for claiming with respect and fair play whatever goes on, went on in the past, or occurs in the future. It does not stop with one confrontation, it only begins there.  

In contrast, an accusation rips away at the other person's layers of protection and attributes bad motives to what lies underneath. The purpose is to blame, judge and punish. It yields defensiveness and guilt, and has neither fairness or respect in it. Instead of an exchange, it is an attack. Battle lines are drawn and casualties occur. Rather than an encounter between equals, it is a power struggle to establish the superiority of the victor and the inferiority of the defeated. Someone wins and someone loses. Righteous indignation rather than respectful exploration characterizes an accusatory attack. Intimacy and clarity are never an outgrowth of such antagonism. In an accusation, attack and blame call forth defensiveness and counter attack. Ridicule, sarcasm and anger are the weapons, and the encounter leaves the embattled participants gloating or guilty. If guilty, then there is shame and punishment to deal with, not accountability and integrity. Communication is not the purpose of accusation and communication does not transpire. Altercation does. It is, therefore, not acceptable to rely on accusation and blame to protect ourselves from feelings of hurt, confusion, fear or anger. 

However, neither is it acceptable to just ignore what we are feeling and then build up resentment and walls. The withdrawal that results from not addressing unresolved feelings is also a hostile act. It is both hostile to the one withdrawing and to the one being withdrawn from, because it closes the door to one's self and to others at a time when conversation to resolve the feelings needs to take place.
Intimacy can not occur when unresolved feelings are left unaddressed and a protective distance behind a silent stony wall separates the self from itself and from others. The barrier is not a friendly one. It is meant to keep something and someone out. Feeling shut out and shut off when the integrity of our system calls for being connected and flowing in and out means our system is violated by the withdrawal of communication within ourselves. It also means that the other relevant person who is being shut out is being violated as well. There can be no understanding or intimacy without communication and the alienation that occurs with a "shut out" is uncomfortable or even painful if the person values intimacy. Unfortunately, a withdrawer has had to shut itself down in order to find safety in withdrawal. It may seem to the withdrawers that there is no price to shutting down, but what they will one day discover is that they are no longer able to be present.

That is a painful outcome. They are, therefore,eventually only a shell of themselves, alienated, never intimate with any depth of intensity because they have systematically shut themselves off to their own intensity. The first violation of shutting down, therefore, is to the self who shuts down. The subsequent violation, however, is to the other who desires intimacy with the withdrawn person. Withdrawal is the ultimate weapon. No intimacy can occur as long as the withdrawer stays withdrawn. The only recourse is to withdraw as well. This resolves the issue, but at a great cost, an alienating distance that cannot be bridged by anyone but the one who chose it, leaving others powerless. It is, therefore, in our best interest to learn to confront and to be confronted, and to be accountable and demand accountability. We can then experience intimacy with ourselves and others in a way that fulfills our greatest need, the need for knowing and being known, for caring and being cared for, and for feeling a true sense of belonging and intimacy. Neither accusation or withdrawal will provide this. So once again life takes courage. In this instance, the courage to confront.

http://www.mtoomey.com/courage.html

Monday, July 23, 2007

THE UGLY BYSTANDER

   

by Kathy Krajco
 
I think the misplaced sympathy out there for narcissists comes from people wishing to push unpleasant stuff out of their minds so that they have but selective awareness of an event like narcissistic abuse.
When we say that narcissists lack empathy, we mean exactly that. In plainer language, they are brutal, treating those they abuse subhumanly. Their callousness is something one must see to believe. Often the victim cannot get his or her mind around it and goes into a state of shocked disbelief of their own eyes and ears. When narcissists see that they are drawing blood, they get sadistic. This behavior makes no sense till you remember why narcissists do this. They are stomping you down to elevate themselves. In doing this, they are morally trampling you to have something to thump their chests about and give a Tarzan yell. They get HIGH on treating others like dirt. So, keep a tight grip on that fact: they don't do it because it's evil; they do it because it makes them feel good. They are sick in the head. They have unbearable pain/shame inside that keeps trying to surface to consciousness on them. This pretending to be grand by stomping you is just their way of killing that pain by keeping it repressed. Abuse is an addiction with narcissists. 

The more they degrade you, the bigger dose of this high they get. Which is why they are sadistic. So, here you have them abusing their victim in cold blood sadistically. Then, when the victim complains, they turn around with their little Wouldn't-Hurt-a-Fly mask on for the bystanders, whining about their need to "heal." Yes, THEIR need to heal. Some folks don't know a joke even when it slaps them in the face like that. Right out of the bystander's mind goes what's on the other side of that coin - what that angel-faced narcissist just did to that victim. 

In other words, they take this "Poor-Little-Me" act out of context. More important, the bystanders thus avoid having to know what they know about such phony face changes = that the narcissist is diabolical and laughing up his sleeve. All they let themselves see is whiny angel-face before them right now. Because it's warm and cuddly and doesn't rattle their cage or require them to do anything about anything. Or cross this guy they are suddenly afraid of. Ah, that whiny little angel-face he has, upon whom they misplace their wretched sympathy. Then they go off and correct the VICTIM for wrongdoing. Yes, that's right: some folks don't even know a joke when they tell it. The victim has sinned by feeling angry or wanting a divorce or wanting to retaliate so as to make the abuser stop it. THAT'S the only sin the ugly bystander sees. Nothing the narcissist did gets a peep out of him or her about it.



SOME EXCERPTED COMMENTS:

At 2:59 PM, Anonymous said...
I saw the same thing with my ex. She was very pushy, but if anyone ever pushed back, she became this huge victim. Same dynamic.Here is the thing I finally discovered: With this dynamic, you can never win and this technique keeps them from every growing and moving out of the narcissism. If every time they are challenged on some statement they make, they retreat into victimhood, it means that they are avoiding the substance of the argument. It is a truth avoidance mechanism. They aren't interested in any truth. They are only interested in being heard and and seen and if someone disagrees with them, then wilt into victimhood.As usual, it is always about image.   
At 3:45 PM, Anonymous said...
I've had some of these apologist bystanders in my life, and I have absolutely no use for them. In my opinion, they are the only ones in the room more cowardly than the narcissist.I have come to believe that when they take the narcissist's side because they are afraid of the him, at least half of them are trying to convince themselves that they are righteous, rather than afraid.They take the path of least resistance, and when they are giving you that "You overreacted" crap, they are trying to believe it themselves, so they can push down that voice inside them that says, "You're afraid of the bully, you're just a little coward."And they are little cowards, too, those bystanders. If it isn't your battle, fine, then stay out of it. Otherwise, shut the hell up. Don't try to calm me down or play peacemaker just to hide from your own discomfort.   
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous said...
Two-faced, relentless sadistic abuse and butter-wouldn't-melt con artistry sounds like the N I know. But you can't blame bystanders for not seeing when even the target of abuse is repeatedly taken in by the lies, denials and gaslighting.
At 5:50 PM, Kathy said...
"...you can't blame bystanders for not seeing..."Not seeing what? That he's insincere? I think you can blame them for that. And yes, the victim unsees too. Only because the victim doesn't WANT to see, not because it's hard to see as you imply.The victim has very strong temptation into denial. Much stronger than the byestander. Much better excuse.But even the victim will eventually face facts and tell you that he or she is angry with themselves for refusing to see what was staring them in the face. So where is the byestanders confession to that effect? And the bystander has no excuse for saying, "I'm going to the north pole" and turning to head off south. It's preposterous for their only criticism to be OF THE VICTIM. It's preposterous for their sympathy to be FOR THE VICTIMIZER. And I have too often said how absurd it is to regard feeling as a sin. There is no excuse for anti-logic. I understand the bystander's fear of the narcissist and fear of getting involved. That is legitimate. But then to turn around and find the only fault you find IN THE VICTIM - that deserves contempt. Virtually every victim gets this treatment from bystanders. Narcissists just play them like fiddles.   
At 12:21 AM, Anonymous said...
on the topic of bystanders trying to calm you down or be peacemakers...... When you've been targeted one too many times and actually speak up for yourself, suddenly the bystander is there trying to "make things better"Where were they before? That is the big question. Because they could have said something a multitude of times before, when all sorts of stuff was happening, but they didn't. They only say something when they can say it and feel like they know better, that they know more, that they are more mature, or have more insight into the world and human nature than you do. Some bystanders honestly want to make you feel better, because then they feel better; you know the type, the people pleasers. But I have found the majority of bystanders are in it for the moment of celebrity that they feel when they get to use there powerful problem solving and peacekeeping skills.What I hate about bystanders is that they actually try to make you quiet down, like its a crime to show any emotions good or bad. I would like a bystander to ackowlege the targeting, but if for some reason they are in denial about that, then really can't they just let you say your part. Why can't they be your witness and hear your story? Deal with the discomfort of knowing that there is "bad" people in this world. These are the same people that say "turn that frown upside down!" in a non ironic way.  
At 2:13 AM, Kathy said...
I think these comments about the bystanders nail it.Add it up: they do nothing to counter the abuse, only speaking up to stop the victim from feeling free to do anything to put a stop to it or even act like it is happening.Those actions speak louder than words. The bystanders take the evildoer's side. There is no denying that. That is contemptible, not matter how holy the halo they put on it.They are enablers of the abuser. Like accomplices who work the situation for him to allow him to keep getting away with it. They shut the victim up for him. They call the victim naughty for even just feeling his anger, thus helping crush the victim into abject submission to the abuse. The term "innocent bystander" is an oxymoron. Like Hitler, narcissists know they can count on a high percentage of people to do this for him if he just puts on his whiny victim mask so that they can PRETEND they are righteous, not traitors betraying you to abuse. After studies of the contemptible behavior of the bystanders during the Holocaust, an inscription was placed on a monument to it (in Israel I think) that says something to the effect: 'Never again be a victim; never be a perpetrator; and never, never, never be a bystander.' Amen. Bystanders suck. To make them stop blaming the victim for rape, society had to make it politically incorrect to do so. It's about time society did the same thing with all forms of abuse. Bystanders won't stop serving as a proxy for abusers till people get slammed for doing it.  
At 3:50 AM, Anonymous said...
Witness the shameful abandonment of the victims and opponents of Saddam Hussein and his tyrannous regime by the 'Stop the War' coalition in Britain.It is impossible to appease a bully, which is why so much of this conflict-resolution crap plays into the hands of psychopaths. They are simply not singing from the same hymn-sheet as everyone else.  

At 4:21 AM, Kathy said...  
Woah! Thank you for that balm on my jet lag. As you can see, I'm operating in your time zone!Seriosusly, I agree. It's the same thing on a massive scale. A way of looking the other way and masquerading this ugly and callous betrayal as the opposite - as, of all things, "humanitarian concern."No matter where you go in the world people do this. Narcissistic and psychopathic bullies who become dictators like Hitler, Stalin, and Hussein are cynics who exploit this mass behavior like every narcissistic bully does on a smaller scale. The Islamofascist movement is collectively behaving just like that.And how can we expect Muslims to stand up to it when they see the West afraid to? I think the only hope is to shame people for behaving this way, because reason and true morality bounces off the forehead of a hypocrite. I say to them: If you want to stay out of it, fine. Your choice. But when you turn on the victim and demonize those who do have the courage to step up and take action (for the offense of putting your cowardice to shame by their example), you are sinking to the gutter
 
At 11:39 PM, Kathy said...
Join the club. I doubt there is such a thing as a victim of a narcissist who doesn't beat themselves up over having put up with it for so long. At some point you have an epiphany and see what you've done = the horrible "asked for it." By doing that, we give the N a carte blanche to abuse us; we lay down to make a nice door mat; we make it OK to abuse us because there is no response to that abuse. No complaint. No demand to even just stop abusing us. How abject. And so on.

I'm sure I don't have to describe how low we feel when we realize what we've done - how it actually TEMPTS the abuser! It's like staking out a lamb in the backyard of a wolf.
Then we alternate between anger at ourselves for it and anger at those influences in our life that trained us to think it is evil not to be a spineless wimp who keeps turning the other cheek and bending over for it with a smile. But the pain subsides. Since we are not narcissists blame doesn't kill us. We can let it lay where it may. We accept our responsibility and ARE FAIR WITH OURSELVES. Because we were influenced and trained to make this mistake. The important thing is that we stop making it.Ironic, eh? We have to repent turning the other cheek. I don't know whether you're there yet or not, but you will get there. To the point of being at peace with yourself about it. (Largely because you don't do it anymore.) Also, notice what the bitterness has been about here. Not about bystanders keeping out of it and doing nothing - about the bystanders landing on the VICTIM. Trying to supress the victim's complaint and turn the victim into docile victim, a glutton for punishment who just keeps taking it as though it ain't happening. THAT'S what makes the victim furious with the bystanders, righteously furious. We see right though them, and it ain't a pretty sight. But that isn't what you're talking about.   
At 6:01 AM, Anonymous said...
thanks kathy. the second post i tried didn't get through and was pretty elegant last night- let's see if i can get close now. i said something about how innocent bystander IS an oxymoron. it makes me think. i hated being an 'innocent bystander' only i choked on the word innocent. i felt helpless- but mot innocent.shoot i really can't remember what else i said. something about how having the words to put with it all is helping. anyway thanks for your site. thanks for being here. jt  

At 6:05 AM, gh said...
Ah, thanks for this one, Kathy -- always a good reminder. When I divorced my N, certain friends and family seemed to go out of their way to continue nurturing a relationship with him -- and he with them, for what better way to perpetuate abuse than to try to lure away the people who should be there to support and encourage the victim?At first, I excused it, thinking as one commenter said above that I could hardly blame them for being taken in by his act when I myself was taken in for so long. They were just being good people for giving him the benefit of the doubt, right?Then it hit me -- to give *him* the benefit of the doubt, they had to deny that same benefit to me. The day one of my supposedly oldest and closest friends berated me for not taking my marriage vows seriously and not doing enough to try to make it work, a light switch flipped. *I* didn't do enough?? All my ex had to do to save the marriage was to stop abusing me. He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't do that. In pointing the finger of blame at me this supposed friend necessarily had to accept his song and dance that he was trying everything he could and had to reject (or, better, turn a blind eye) to my side of the story.There is a time, sure, that you can excuse the bystanders for not seeing. WE do our part, no doubt, to cover for the N while being abused. But when you speak out about the abuse and the bystanders choose to blindly accept the N's stories, this is the ultimate betrayal. All you can do then, I think, is run from these "innocent" bystanders as fast as you can. They'd rather see you continue to suffer than to have to give up their comfortable ignorance.

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous said...
Once again I am struck by the intelligence, sincerity and similarities between yourselves and all of the rest of us. I believe and have been shown this CELLULARLY, that narcissistic abuse only happens to the BEST of us, and hopefully we each can take our journey of healing and make something astonishingly beautiful of our lives.

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous said...
Hey Guys, Stop! There we go again blaming everyone but the cruel manipulator who's evil makes no sense and totally diarms all within reach of it. What my son said out of hurt and pain toward his brother who he loves but does not like is, "I can't do anything because he'll burn my sh__!' That's crude but it is the bottom line, we put up with it to survive and protect our property.
Narcissists manipulate, throw unreasonable and frightening tantrums, lie, and cheat (and usually this is how they treat those they claim to love) to get the things most of us would just ask for. 
They don't make any sense and they frighten us. It is easier to be angry at ourselve or those others who innocently stand by because it is safer than showing anger toward such a creature that makes no sense and we have no idea how they will react.
Let's focus on putting the blame where it is due.


At 11:05 PM, Anonymous said... Thank you for all the comments on bystanders. My psycho ex turned so many people against me who I remain disgusted with as they had the audacity to tell me to calm down and not be upset. This sick man tormented me on the Internet for months and got a large group of people to help him. Never trust anyone who tells you not to be angry. You have a right to your anger.

Source

Friday, July 13, 2007

LASHON HARA FROM YIDWITHLID


 "When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie." - Robert Hare, PhD

All of the smearing, lying, revisionist history, blaming me, attacks and blatant refusal "to listen, bitch" have done nothing but assured me I am fine leaving this verifiable information out there. I admit I made some mistakes. 

I decry his actions & words against me. None of it has threatened or even upset me in anyway. 


My answer to that message is THIS.

I told the police, I told his wife. PERIOD. THAT'S ALL. Everything is ON THIS WEBSITE. ALL THE INFORMATION. For the whole world to see what a naive person I was for caring about YWL's and his family's safety & well-being.

So let's see some of this self-reported ethical, moral, religious & observant man's postings on the web (verified by web site owners to my legal aide) or the postings of his friends and proxies about yours truly. Some because of this very site. 

(edited to protect YWL's family and mine)

Slander? You decide:
From his site (since removed from the web, but all legal entities concerned have verification & screen shots) to enflame others about me and this very blog:

A Public Record of How She continues to defame as she follows me all over the Net, Uses the Same Aggrigaters, Joins the Same Blog Rolls, Posts to the Same Carnivals etc. If this site is missing it Just means She stopped

Follow him "all over the net"?

Defame? Why doesn't he sue me if I have "defamed" him?? If he has evidence - why doesn't he? And defaming implies lying.  This site has all the proof I could publish that I'm not.

Same Aggregators? - well, yes - ONE of the many I am on he is on too

Same Blog Rolls? - well, yes - a couple he's on I am on too... oh btw - I was INVITED to some of those BlogRolls 

Same Carnivals? Well, yes - ONE that I can think of...

Um... wow! You mean he and I are on the SAME WORLD WIDE WEB?!?! Golly gee whiz!! 

 Does that mean I am a stalker?? ROFL... I know the NYPD Computer Crimes Unit has him on their WatchList still... are they stalkers? 

I can think of a few other bloggers that have a LOT MORE in common with him & his areas of interest than I do!!Hey, YWL - Wanna Join some of the "Mommy Bloggers" and "Disability Blogs" I belong to? ;)

I stopped? Stopped what? TELLING THE TRUTH??
~~~~~~~~~~



HERE'S JUST ONE OF HIS POSTS ABOUT ME:

She is divorced several times so goes by her maiden name of xxxxx. She lives in xxxxx She is 55 years OLD. And I mean OLD. This woman posts inoccent people on sites as this one. She claims to be a religious jew. She should be shot for the filth she says about people she has never met and never will. She tells horrid lies about them. She has posted at least two of her victims on this site.

This woman claims YWL hurt her. Well...guess what Babs! You played his game with him. YOU had phone sex with ME. YOU! You whored yourself out on the phone. Yep! Your a whore. You blame YWL.
(1. I have never divorced, I've been estranged many years
 2. Innocent? LOL
3. "should be shot" Isn't that a death threat?)


You post shit all over the net about this wonderful man who helps many, many people. All you do is try to pass the blame. You have made yourself look like the scum bag you really are. (Wonderful man???)
You've done this to women too. Women you don't know. Women who work hard and raise wonderful kids. You have tried to disgrace them. It didn't work. Your so fucking stupid that you didn't realize that the people who know these kind women know you have lied. (Really? like who?  On this very site I posted who did what.  Get a clue! ...and 'wonderful' - pardon my pukin!!!)
YOU ARE A FUCKING C*NT. A FUCKING LIER. It's come back to bite you in your smelly ass. Your name is all over the net on sites like this. You won't learn. Maybe this will help you to see the light. You owe alot of people an apology. Especially God. How the fuck do you sleep at night? Your a whore who lies. Your a mouthy bitch.  
(A whore? I guess Mr. "John" should know about whores.  Learn what? Not to believe sociopaths like YWL? Like he needs to learn how to spell?; Apology? I have zero to apologize for.  YWL on the other hand.....)

I know where you live and I know your number. Your e-mail is XXXXXXXXXX. Watch out babs. I'm out to get you. Your fucked now! I hate the thought of you. 
God won't forgive you for your actions. I'm e-mailing your rabbi, XXX and many more that think they know you. Yes, I am. Your done. Nodda. Good by bitch!
(Again - threats???
Good by(sic)?  Death threat?
I thought YWL was above all that)

Age: 55 Race: Not Entered Height: Not Entered Weight: Not Entered Zodiac: Not Entered Posted by Anonymous (yeah - that's him)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Useless Crap Pictures, Images and Photos 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(update -- a friend sent me an email with this lie-laced comment by YWL on July 27, 2008) another post he made about me (I'm assuming this is the BS he told his wife):
Sound familiar porkchop?

  • (No HE tracked me down - I have the proof from Classmates. com.  Do you?
  • We NEVER dated
  • I'm a published writer to.  He's mostly SELF-PUBLISHED
  • poor hygiene? LOL projection!!  I wasn't the one who sat at that lunch picking my teeth with a business card.  GROSS!
  • He never excused anything.  
  • Stalking?  I don't think so. Not when I was too sick to drive, in the hospital and had a Restraining Order on HIM.
  • Sending letters to his parents, in-laws, anyone.....  ON THIS VERY SITE I POSTED THE PROOF THAT I HAD ZERO TO DO WITH THAT)
  • Threatened to harm children? No but I do have verified proof filed with police he threatened mine)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


- updated February 2008
YWL posted a fake profile on me on MySpace. Used my old profile picture from StumbleUpon; which he copied. He entitled the MySpace page "I am a Physcotic Internet Harrasser."
He included my ex-husband's old phone number as my own (hoping to get me in more trouble with my ex; who knows all about him now), my home phone number and address. Said I like sex and phone sex and to give me a call. Pathetic... 

The misspellings and bad grammar were DEAD GIVEAWAYS. Nevertheless, MySpace admin removed it and sent the IP from which it was posted and copies to myself, my attorney, NYC Computer Crimes and YWL's county Computer Crimes office in Yaphank, NY. 

They were also going to contact his employer about this as well.  

YWL has directly violated a legally served CEASE & DESIST. 

It is sad that these crimes have to go through a strict protocol to be prosecuted - often taking years - but the wheels are in motion.
~~~~~
- updated July 2008 from me
ANYONE who hears anything from YWL or his family, friends or proxies about me similar to the above? Please contact me immediately as there are police reports on this already, a Cease & Desist in place and legal action is ongoing.


#ifmywoundswerevisible






anonymous@bo.net  2009-04-05
 You know, these attacks are ridiculous when you really look at them..."he didn't want to bang you...he excused himself by saying he couldn't do this to his wife.." So..apparently this long suffering guy would have done whatever he wanted under other circumstances?? Wow, he's really the poor victim, isn't he? What a tool.


8675309@att.net 09-05-24 23:04:59 
J** D***** you are a disgrace to your community and to your family and friends. I hope you have a difficult time ever looking someone in the eye again and that you will know that people will look at you with disgust. They will know that you are a liar and that you will go to your grave knowing that you intentionally caused someone physical, emotional, spiritual and financial pain


billme@optonline.net 2008-07-20 12:27:03  
Hey Barbara! This douchebag and his family can be seen here: 
http://www.jtsa.edu/Supporters/Regional_Offices/Long_Island_Regional_Office_Home_Page/LI_Events_-_Dix_Hills_Brunch.xml 

Not like he's so svelte or anything to write home about. He should check a mirror before insulting someone else. Especially such a wonderful caring person like you who helps so many people all the time.


 melli@comcast.com 2010-03-19 08:41:44  
There is a bible story that exemplifies what Barbara has done here. She is being a GOOD SAMARITAN, helping TOTAL STRANGERS that she found wounded and bleeding on the side of the road (the internet in this case), for FREE and for no reason other than it is the right thing to do. 

YWL the Narc reminds me of the Serpent in the Garden of Eden. Barbara is not a two-faced back stabber, nor a player of women's minds / head games, like YWL has PROVEN HIMSELF TO BE. 

Thank you Barbara for all you do to help people, unselfishly, and with the best of intentions. Turning your pain into other peoples gain. God bless you Barbara.


Sunday, July 8, 2007

MANIPULATOR EXTRAORDINAIRE

 

While the harm most of these men inflict is emotional and psychological, there are those among them with a more dangerous twist, who feed off their victims' souls the way a leech drains the blood of its prey: drop by drop. These are the captivating vampires, whose devious masks conceal every woman's worst nightmare. To these men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only force & fear affirms their worth. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable. They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless. He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he's treating you like you've become a "bitch-on-wheels." And you don't know why. He accuses you of everything from insincerity to stalking, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake.
 

Maybe he never physically beats you. Or maybe he never will. But you never know. He is stunningly impulsive and unpredictable. But he always assaults you emotionally, ripping into every fiber of your being with verbal vindictive, threats and accusations. Being keel-hauled over a coral reef is a cake-walk, compared to this torment. The only thing predictable about such a man is his extreme unpredictability. It is only after you become intimately snared into him that you discover the soul-grinder that lies waiting to strike. Until then, you may even find him amazingly attentive, sensitive and empathic to your every need. He can initially appear to be completely non-threatening. That is why it is critical to learn how to identify this type of individual, because there is a high probability that brutally sociopathic or sadistic-type personality disorders may hide behind his appealing camouflage of muted sensitivity. When borderline, sociopathic and sadistic disorders combine with a narcissistic disorder, a particularly deceptive and dangerous Molotov cocktail of character pathology results. Shortly after he had seduced his next "relationship", "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of mentally & sexually controlling his woman.  
Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of this woman's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else and would always give in to his pressures. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them. Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on with words & suggestions, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. 

All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. He relieved himself with prostitutes and porn while she did a slow torturous boil. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree. To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by asking about her sexual history with a lot of 'understand & compassion', getting her comfortable enough to tell him things she'd done when younger that she felt guilt about. And he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal including laying moral guilt trips on her. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further.

Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!
He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, morally-upright, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a this type of pathological man has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP 
 
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lynchga11@yahoo.com 74.83.197.27 2011-02-08 10:36:39 2011-02-08 15:36:39 This is EXACTLY what my sociopathic ex-boyfriend did to me... exactly... oh my god... it was so incredibly painful. And I almost believed him. It makes me shudder to think how close I came to having a shattered mind because of his manipulations. I am one of the fortunate ones. I got out.


lisalisa46@live.com 
48 75.15.94.159 2011-08-06 00:33:18 2011-08-06 05:33:18 
GODDAMN! Did you date him TOO?

blonde_bomb_2009@hotmail.com 124.177.49.147 2011-08-06 00:43:31 2011-08-06 05:43:31 - 
my life to a tee...the change in them once they’ve dropped their mask is torturously disbelieving. Whats worse is that no one else gets it or understands the brainwashing they’ve been doing, its been subtle, slow, stealth, cunning and confusing and then its devestating and can be fatal.

If you survive, your mind is tortured by the obsessive disbelieving thoughts of this person you’ve lived with and had children with for more than two decades as he continues to defame and demonise you as the abuser, all the while he has stolen every cent of money you’ve earned while being left with PTSD trying to survive and being knifed psychologically by him at every single turn of life. Despite awareness, the event has occurred and the replaying in your mind of this person you believed was your protector is now your most evil enemy seems neverending.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

THE CHAT YWL WANTS GONE, ERASED, SCRUBBED


Chat that YWL had with my best friend about the situation on March 17, 2004.
(Notice him "trying out new lies" to see what will fly!! He didn't realize Shira already knew everything and KNEW he was lying to her!)


Shira: hey YWL
YWL: I am an ass
Shira: well, ok
Shira: what makes you say that???
YWL: Its a long story
Shira: do tell
YWL: ok
YWL: I met someone online that I really care about
YWL: it happened after
YWL: well you know when I got upset that night
Shira: right
Shira: hey
Shira: remind me again why you got upset? I was never really clear on that
YWL: because honestly I felt that I was being toyed with.
YWL: anyway..Barabra and I stayed online that night (no we didn't -- I was online with Shira until 3am; YWL blocked me and went back to cybersex with Elizabeth... as I found out)  
YWL: very late
Shira: well you should have said something to us
Shira: we always joke around like that
YWL: I did
YWL: 'to Barbara
YWL: then I went away
Shira: right
YWL: and then when I got back I pulled away from Barbara
YWL: I had to it was making me crazy
Shira: what was making you crazy?
YWL: tension
YWL: we both wanted to sleep with each other but knew it could never happen (WTF? LOL!)
YWL: we talked about it till like 3 in the morning
YWL: anyway I started talking to someone online and we got very close
YWL: I was even making a buisness trip to go meet her
YWL: Well yesterday her and Barbara talked and now they are both so hurt  (HURT?  Doesn't even start to cover it)
Shira: hang on - but you practically had to be coaxed out with a handful of sugar cubes to go meet Barbara for LUNCH!
YWL: no
YWL: I was supposed to see her next week
Shira: Yes, for the second time in 2 years
YWL: because I could deal with it now
YWL: now you know the reason I felt I couldn't
YWL: and now I have hurt her
YWL: now I have hurt Elizabeth
YWL: and most importantly I have lost her as a friend
YWL: I have been throwing up all morning
Shira: DESTROYED her, YWL. The word is DESTROYED. You have no idea the amount of abuse she puts up with in your name on a daily basis for something she never even did!
YWL: thats why I was reluctent to see her to make it worse and I have anyway
YWL: I cant throw up anymore
Shira: so don't throw up
YWL: Im so nauseous
Shira: so what are you going to do then?
YWL: I dont know
YWL: Shira -- I do love Barbara and dont want to lose her out of my life
YWL: I dont know what to do
YWL: except throw up
Shira: you love her?
YWL: yes but not in a romantic sense anymore. It started going away that night (again... going away... wtf is he TALKING ABOUT! LOL!)
Shira: so you did love her in a romantic sense at one point?
YWL: yes!
Shira: did you ever tell hr?
YWL: no
YWL: not exactly
Shira: well YWL you either tell someone you love them or you don't
YWL: no I didnt
YWL: but eveytime we tried to stop we couldnt
YWL: but I forced myself

bullshit Pictures, Images and Photos

Shira: you forced yourself?
Shira: Or you found it easier because you had someone else to play with?
YWL: no because that happened almost two month before I met
Shira: how did you meet her?
YWL: she commented on one off my articles so I sent her a thank you (that's a lie, even Elizabeth says in emails printed on this site I INTRODUCED THEM)
YWL: and she email back
Shira: you send thankyous to everyone who comments?
YWL: yes
YWL: I do  
YWL: read the bottom of one of my articles (great way to collect emails for future victims!)
YWL: it says right there
Shira: k
YWL: He reads and responds to all of his mail, so comment by here
Shira: oh, yeah, of course I remember now
YWL: and then we started emailing
YWL: and iming
YWL: and one thing led to another
Shira: YWL you do know Barbara loved you, and that for her love is something she tries to avoid because it has only ever brought her pain
YWL: until we had a big fight yesterday
YWL: I had a big fight with Elizabeth yesterday because.. she didnt want me to be friends with Barbara (again, I found out this is a massive lie too!  It was the OTHER WAY AROUND)  
YWL: and the rest as we say is history
Shira: how does she know Barbara?
YWL: they met on a newsgroup
Shira: oh, right
YWL: thats how she got to read mystuff
YWL: I asked Barbara if I could call her and she is ignoring me
OT1: well from the sound of it that's not surprising
YWL: she told Elizabeth that I said bad things about her which is not true
Shira: why would she lie?
YWL: I never said anything cause I knew it would hurt her (hurt? wtf? he just wanted to keep using & abusing me as he kept on smearing and lying about me to others.)
YWL: I swear
Shira: BARBARA DOESN'T LIE
YWL: I never discussed Elizabeth with Barbara (admission of lying and also notice how he leaves out that he's 'discussed' - lied about & smeared - me to Elizabeth to keep us from talking and finding out he's a predator who's been using both of us for his sexual fun & games!)
YWL: On my life (which life would that be?  the one your wife knows about or the one you have at Julie's or the one you have online....)
YWL: gtg

 

~~~~~ 

YWL: Barabar wouldnt pic up her mobile
Shira: well I did say to leave a message. She's a busy woman
YWL: I dont know
Shira: you know how it is...kids and all, also she's disabled, remember
YWL: Her vioce mail didnt pic up
YWL: I dont htink
YWL: I ddint hear a beeb
YWL: but Italked anyway
Shira: what'd you say?
YWL: I said that I didnt want to loseher from my life that she was too important and could we talk
Shira: YWL she's been awake for 30 hours
Shira: she's distraught
Shira: YWL
Shira: you've utterly destroyed any trust she had in you
Shira: you've made her feel used
YWL: I know
YWL: but I wasnt
YWL: I swear
Shira: you weren't what?
Shira: using her?
YWL: we were supposed to meet next week
Shira: so?
YWL: I asked her to keep the lucnh
YWL: so w can talk
Shira: you know, if I were her I wouldn't want to talk to you
Shira: I would feel very used and betrayed
YWL: I know
Shira: you were using her, weren't you
YWL: no
YWL: I wasnt
Shira: well; what else do you call cybersex with her, and then another woman, with no intention of anything else?
YWL: I told you how it happedn and they were sepreated by time
YWL: and there was an intention
Shira: what did you intend?
YWL: I had set up a trip to see Elizabeth
Shira: I meant MY friend, Barbara! Not your newest girlfriend, Elizabeth!
YWL: So you arent going to help me?
Shira: Help you!?
You've been lying and toying with Barbara for 2 years with no intention other than to twist her into knots and using her! So, what do you expect after what you've done to my best friend?
You lied about ME, too. 
I tell you what, YWL, you best be sh*tting yourself. You ********. And you call yourself a spiritual man. I think not. All you think about is your **** and I wish you everything you deserve. What a filthy lying s**tbag you are.