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Sunday, June 3, 2007

WHAT I DID AND DID NOT DO



YWL has hated my guts for almost 30 years. He made it very clear in college I was just female & breathing. He was vocal about it and I had ears. Period. This blog will probably never be read by him or if it is, it will be bashed and defamed.  

As far as YWL's concerned he's closed all discussion. It's his "truth" or nothing. So let me say it and get out there:
  • I NEVER contacted his parents or sent them anything (who did this? read here)  
  • I NEVER contacted CPS (who did this? read here) 
  • I NEVER contacted his boss (who did this? read here)  
  • I NEVER contacted his publishers or anyone else connected to his writing before or since. (who did this? read here)  
  • I DID NOT look up YWL's address & find out "where he lives." My husband did that in September 2002. THINK ABOUT THIS: I had that information for 18 months and never did a thing with it. Ever. Elizabeth had all the other information and I felt funny using it. I was never given it and I only called his office one morning when I was very upset. I was traumatized. I did NOTHING else.  
  • I DID NOT save all our conversations (if you look here you will see who did that. and how & why and who has them all now)  
  • I NEVER dogged him "all over the net." When just seeing his name or anything remotely connected to him triggered a panic attack - WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  
  • I NEVER stalked him, went to his home, put things in his mailbox or that of his neighbors.  
  • I NEVER asked either of the 2 friends I have in his area to do so either (one is confined to wheelchair most of the time and the other has 4 kids, 2 jobs and wouldn't do that for me even if I did ask.) 
  • I DID NOT make up a porn site about him (I did get it taken down, thanks to NYPD though) nor did I give or authorize any of that information about him to be made public. I did not link porn to any of his friends. 
  • I DID NOT post about him all over the web (see what YWL (called "J") said HERE in one of our last conversations - he said he'd "assume" anything on the web was from me!) In fact, when I found out about some things I did what I could to get them all removed (see here) I NEVER emailed him or IM'd him since March 2004. Even anonymously. 
  • I DID post to his new blog in March 2007 about an old article he reposted. AT THE TIME I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT HIS "STORY OF GRIDNEY" post where he maligned me. If I had known he still thought I was stalking him? I would NEVER have posted that nice comment. 
  • IDID have an order of protection with his name on it for a short time after March 2004. I have let it expire and was forced to file and have a Cease and Desist letter served
  • I DID mail my friend Shira's letter to his Rabbi, at HER REQUEST.  
  • I DID take his threats to NYPD Computer Crimes in March 2004 . They found the stuff about the hookers & sex ads. JUST ONE OF MANY SITES HERE I DID tell everything to one site - almost 2 years ago. Its all here... in this month, scroll through - YWL is called "J" The ONLY person I have EVER EVER had cybersex with was him. I would NEVER do that was someone anonymous. In fact, I have told my therapist in thinking about it, he was the ONLY person who probably could have gotten me to do that. (Additionally, I now know SEX ADDICTION is 'infectious')  
  • I have NEVER had ads for online dating, sex or anything else. Nor will I. EVER. 
  • If I had not known YWL and had a prior 'relationship' with him; which lead me to believe he was wholly trustworthy & truthful; I would never ever have even given him the time of day.  

*****************
Yes, YWL's very good at charming and seducing people with words. VERY good. 
He got me to forget or overlook the comments he made about me in college when I was just a couple feet away. He got me to repress or minimize them. And he's gotten much better over time. 
He tried to do it in his post, which is why I am providing as much documentation as I can. You don't have to believe what I say. Just look with your own two eyes. 
YWL makes a LIVING out of his charm now.
Yes, he probably did the same to his wife. He's right - she'd be devastated if she knew he really did see all those hookers. Or what he was up to on his computer with his wife in the home somwhere. 
"The exposed abuser on the other hand, cannot rest until they have blotted out a vaguely experienced target who dared to oppose them, find out about them, to disagree with them or to outshine them. The exposed can never find rest because they can NEVER FULLY wipe out the evidence that has contradicted their conviction they are unique and perfect and handled things appropriately. This archaic rage goes on and on and on." - Dr. Ernest Wolf
The police know and of course, that's part of why he'll never speak to me again. He didn't want to see me for 2 years when he had ample opportunity so WHY would he want to speak to me? Now I also know it was going on well before he looked me up and during. Who'd want to face someone who knows that about you? So its better you seem angry & indignant and make it MY fault you won't talk to me. Right? Why is he blaming me for everything? Like I said, he hates me. Or course blaming me for telling his parents and his boss makes sense in the context of keeping him from speaking to me. It justifies anything he's said about me to them or his wife or anyone else. Telling this "true story" also accomplishes YWL's keeping me from ever meeting any of his friends. If they did by some horrible chance, meet me - they'd see or know that I am not some sexual predator or the avenging angel he's made me out to be. And that can't happen, can it? Much too dangerous. ;)
"I firmly believe that a Narcissistic person will tell huge lies, a whopper of a story, make himself out to be a victim despite pretty obvious evidence to the contrary and, if he can get somebody to believe him - BINGO - HE'S FOUND A TARGET."

Me and my "minions"? Whoa, that's as bad as my ex-husband telling my lawyer I had "put a curse on him." How's someone like me supposed to do that? How do I whip my few friends into a frenzy against him and participate in a conspiracy against him? Why would I do that? And where do I find that sort of time as a single disabled parent?  

Think about this: YWL started telling Elizabeth I was "fixated on him, jealous", would "ruin their happiness" and he "never loved me Never!" He tried his reality-spin on my friend Shira too. Trying to tell her that his 'feelings' for me ended in January 2004. Truth?: His feelings for me ended when he stepped away from his computer. Any sort of relationship (for lack of better word) ended on September 13, 2002 when my ex-husband sent him an email. He distanced himself to save his ass while I was taking abuse because of him. And I was too messed up to see what he'd done. He said it would "be better if he went away." Better for who? "Narcissistic people are obsessed with blame. They are always blaming everyone else for everything that happens."  

Silly me, in September 2002 my husband had YWL's home and (then) work address, phone numbers and hours of IMs between YWL and me. My ex-husband wanted to go to his job, and go to his home and talk directly to his wife. I prevented that and defended YWL

I realize now I was trauma bonded to YWL and had enough cognitive dissonance going on to melt down a normal person's brain. And I kept defending for years.  

YWL, I thought was my 'sympathetic friend.' I had shared my most personal thoughts, concerns and feelings with him - and thought the history we had was enough to believe he was being as genuine as his words. 

In reality all I was - was free cybersex. Other than that I meant less than nothing to YWL. I always had.

'Why do we want to repeat the cycle?' Because we are familiar with the role (conscientious caregiver), comfortable with the role, and very good at the role, given our family or relationship history with Ns".
Elizabeth was really confused when I told her to 'go be with him' and give him her love anyway. She told me later she couldn't make it jive with the horrible picture YWL had painted of me. He told her I was just panting after him like a lost puppy. How I lost my virginity to him (that was a lie, I was not a virgin when we met). 

She was angry too that I asked her to help place some of his articles - she blamed me for a while for introducing them.  

Let's be blunt- I am a tall, big, old SHIKSA with 2 children and a disability. NO CONTEST!! 

And besides, I genuinely wanted YWL to be happy. The relentless psychological torture of hearing YWL constantly talk about his "friends" or how he did this or that - or took his family here or there - I can't even put words to it. The pictures of family and events I got all the time. 

In the 2 years we were chatting it went from me: 'when will I meet your wife/family?'; YWL: 'I don't know' or 'I'm still thinking about it/considering it' to YWL: 'THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN' at the end. Nice.  

And the mixed messages of YWL's proseltizing about my needing better morals and then sending me suggestive emails? Even as part of a mass mailing? I didn't know what to think it was so mixed up.

Think about it - why introduce your family to someone that, in your mind, was just some silly old free cyberwhore? Not even a real person. 

That one lunch we had must have been torture for him. He certainly didn't act like he enjoyed it at all. And to be SEEN with me! At least he took me FAR from his office. 

I was soooo much better when he could click me off with a mouse, huh? poor guy.  

YWL's right about this - I DID tell him to 'stop trying to please everyone else and make himself happy.' He'd talk to me about work, his shul, etc and he seemed so torn up. 

When I told him that however, I had NO CLUE he WAS making himself happy once or twice a month by spending a few hundred dollars for lunch hours with a sexual pro

And I had NO CLUE that he had a computer full of free porn links (I knew he had some - like a lot of guys, not the extent of the addiction that NYPD showed me) including webcam, anonymous sex hook-up ads and cybersex sites. I had NO CLUE that those LONG PAUSES in IMs with me were because he was either chatting up other women or watching porn or posting to TheEroticReview about that day's lunch hour fun. 

I had NO CLUE idea he already WAS um... pleasing himself!  



Some of the 'lures' YWL threw at me?  
"I will do anything to make you happy",  
"you always have my attention, whether we cyber or not",  
"you were the most talented person I ever knew",  
"I feel drawn and connected to you",  
"someone should hold you all night",  
"I never forgot you, ever",  
"you are too nice."  

Truth? The ONLY reason this guy looked me up? Was because I liked him and was stupid enough to get naked with him in 1975. I can't have intimacy without feelings. He can. He never even called me after that to see how I was. In fact, he said some pretty harsh things about me when I was just a few feet away. (I came from an abusive home so I learned to TAKE it) You do the math!!
 
"There are only two kinds of people of any use to Narcissists; 
those who can pump them up and those whom they can put down."  
The Fusion Delusion - Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism  
Author: Sandy Hotchkiss  

He told me once he "had feelings for me." What sort of feelings he never specified. I suspect they were amusement, disgust, frustration and annoyance.

YWL must have been REALLY bored to bother with someone he loathes so much.  

YWL told me he couldn't call me or take a chance of having my number. But he could call someone in California he'd never met 3-4 times a day and give her his work & cell numbers and work address. I did call his work once after -when Elizabeth gave me his new work number and told me to 'let it fly.' 

Yes, that was wrong and I was just shattered at the time. I never ever feel comfortable using someone's phone numbers or address until THEY THEMSELVES give me permission to use them. Ever.  

My husband had given me YWL's address and home number and for almost 2 years and I never ever used them once. EVER. 

I did also tell him to consider counseling many times and to talk to his wife. All he did was tell me she wouldn't talk. He also went and got Wellbutrin, while assuring me he was getting 'counseling.'  

I did, stupidly, continue to ask to meet YWL's wife and family. I NEVER wanted or thought about breaking up his marriage - just the opposite. It was torture to hear about his family activities & get the loads of pictures he took of them and realize at the end - I would never meet the children or family of this old friend I held so dear and was taking so much abuse because of... because I am nothing. I was someTHING that was supposed to go away when the computer was off. 

One night myself, Shira & YWL were joking around about a 3-some. It was NOT serious. He got very angry with us and left the chat. Shira & I had a big 'WTF' moment. We had been KIDDING! 

I IM'd YWL, right after seeing he was still online right after he left. (He had started to be online for long periods without blocking me or ever speaking to me.) He'd told me not to IM him first - but I did. His response was, (paraphrase) "YOU AND I WILL NEVER EVER BE TOGETHER FOR REAL BECAUSE IT WOULD MESS YOU UP TOO MUCH. AND YOU ARE JUST ABOUT SEX FOR ME, O.K.? GOT IT?" (then YWL clicked off) I was stunned and spent hours online with Shira discussing it. 

I didn't speak to YWL until a few days later when he emailed me an APOLOGY saying he'd "forgotten to take his medication for a few days" and he was sorry. Yeah, right. If anyone forgot Wellbutrin for more than a couple days, they'd feel it. 

Why he kept reeling me back in I will never understand. I must have been quite amusing to keep around by then. Ole' reliable. The TRUTH was that at time YWL was online with Elizabeth, having cybersex at the same time. 


His old hatred from college of me was always right there. 

About 10 months before he'd kept me online for over an hour waxing poetic about his ex-fiance, "R." I was like a deer in headlights and I just couldn't bring myself to cut him off. 

He'd never ever given me a chance to be more than a protracted one night stand to him. 

He'd never given me the chance to really get to know him and still wasn't. 

I was being abused by my ex-husband because I was even still chatting with YWL (non-sexual by then) and I sat there while he went on & on about some woman I'd never met. And I accepted it in the name of 'friendship.' 

I was so seriously depressed. I wanted to be a good ear but I thought I was also his "intimate" and wanted to keep up what I believed was a PRIVATE relationship with him. No good deed goes unpunished! 

Little did I know I was just words on a screen in a parade of INTIMATES.
Abuse is an addiction with narcissists. The more they degrade you, the bigger dose of this high they get. Which is why they are sadistic. So, here you have them abusing their victim in cold blood sadistically. Then, when the victim complains, they turn around with their little Wouldn't-Hurt-a-Fly mask on for the bystanders, whining about their need to "heal." Yes, THEIR need to heal. Some folks don't know a joke even when it slaps them in the face like that. Right out of the bystander's mind goes what's on the other side of that coin - what that angel-faced narcissist just did to that victim. In other words, they take this "Poor-Little-Me" act out of context. More important, the bystanders thus avoid having to know what they know about such phony face changes = that the narcissist is diabolical and laughing up his sleeve. All they let themselves see is whiny angel-face before them right now. Because it's warm and cuddly and doesn't rattle their cage or require them to do anything about anything. Or cross this guy they are suddenly afraid of. Then they go off and correct the VICTIM for wrongdoing. Yes, that's right: some folks don't even know a joke when they tell it. The victim has sinned by feeling angry or wanting to retaliate or tell the truth so as to make the abuser stop it. THAT'S the only sin the ugly bystander sees.
Another WTF moment: February 13, 2004 I was chatting with YWL and he seemed distracted. I went to bed and left my cellphone AOL connection on so Shira could IM me from the UK. Not 5 minutes after I'd said goodnight to YWL he IM'd me. 

I will never forget because he was like 2 different people. 5 minutes prior he didn't want to talk much. Now he was very into talking to me, getting me to "help him get over the edge" and have cybersex with him for the first time in many, many, many months. 

I allowed it - of course - I'd been well trained by then. Now I realize that Elizabeth (who was in the picture by then) wasn't online for him and he had been watching porn and distracted while chatting with me. YWL wanted something MORE so he went to me - knowing I wouldn't and couldn't say NO.  

What the heck, Barbara will have cybersex with me. She's sooooo easy , huh?  

More WTFs: And I had to sit there and listen to the events with his REAL friends and family I'd never be a part of. I was so trauma bonded and wanted to keep the communication open with this once sympathetic ear that I allowed and participated in phone & cybersex. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with him. I shared myself in a way I had NEVER shared myself with anyone else

NYPD Victim's Advocates, my therapist, counselors, doctors and my friends all say I was severely used. I have spent the last 3 years trying to and working on recovery. In so doing I have devoted myself to my children and helping others out of abusive, controlling situations.  

When the "falling out" (as YWL called it... LOL, I wish that was all it was) happened he tried to tell Shira that night of the '3-some that was just a joke' -- That he & I had been online talking until late. Truth? Shira & I had been online talking until late that night, both of us were so upset by his 'behavior' online -- so she knew right away he was lying.  

And he tried to tell Shira he'd stopped caring about me in January 2004, anchoring that lie to a weekend he & his family went to the Poconos. Truth? He never cared. His feigned interest stopped in September 2002 when my husband emailed him that he knew. 

I was just a sucker and someone he'd manipulated to be there whenever he decided to throw enough attention my way. Like I said, he's good... VERY good at what he does.  

But remember - he'd already started making me out to be a jealous stalker to Elizabeth. It helped gain her sympathy and aid his seduction of her, making him seem desirable. How YWL was 'putting up' with this fat old friend of his.  

Additionally telling Elizabeth that Shira & I liked to toy with him sexually? YWL'd gotten the story that I and my 'minions' were out to get him (or as was said on his blog - "bullied by my friends") to 'fly' once. Once he'd gotten that to 'fly' he just kept working over the story until it became reality for him

And now he tells it to people who have never met me. People who he knows might believe all these women are soooo in love with him and he's just being chased & abused by us. And because of the horrible picture he's painted of me, none of them will ever WANT to meet me.  

(I KNOW his wife would never want to meet me. I asked for 2 years and NO - by now I am probably on a dartboard in their home!) Like I said he's very convincing. Very. It's a gift. An EVIL TO THE CORE gift.

"The devaluing has no real thought behind it, any more than a child can explain why he suddenly gets bored with his favorite toy. One day she's a beautiful source of great sex, the next she's a bore that I want to ditch. I can't explain why.
(quote from a diagnosed narcissistic abuser)



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