Just a couple weeks after [YWL]s extramarital activities were found out and we had our "falling out" (he never contacted me after threatening me, never tried to speak with me or explain... I guess that's his definition of ...uh ...falling out), I was checking the hit meter for my personal blog. I stopped short. My PTSD anxiety hit the gas. I was actually shaking. I was being watched. Yes, me - the "stalker"! I was being stalked! By YWL.
I double and tripled checked and sent it to a geek friend and yes, he was on my blog. Regularly - maybe once a week at least. I told my counselor, who knew I loved writing and having a blog. She advised me to find a way to block him from my blog if it was so triggering to me. I didn't want to take it down and start over.
I have been blogging since 2002. I really had nothing to hide. Unfortunately, my blog platform does not yet allow for IP blocking. Finally I decided to take down my blog for 36 hrs and posted this:
from my blog, barbarany9
Apologies to my other readers & visitors while I face a personal situation head on here. Scroll down for my usual blog fare. Hi [YWL ] I know you are coming here.... looks like Saturdays after or before Shul.
Domain Name optonline.net ? (Network)
IP Address 24.47.134.# (Optimum Online (Cablevision Systems)) ISP Optimum Online (Cablevision Systems)
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : XXX
City : XXXX
Operating System Microsoft WinXP
ARIN location: XXX XXX Drive, XXXXXX XXXX, XX 11XXX
Time of Visit Mar 26 2005 9:50:07 am
Last Page View Mar 26 2005 9:55:17 am
Please read on. I have so many questions: but one big one - since you found me so disgusting, pathetic and unworthy what did you want to find out with this search? :
http://www.google.co...BARBARANY_9&btnG=Search Search Engine: google.com Search Words: barbarany_9
- Do you feel better now that you know every forum or site I may be on?
- Who's the REAL stalker here?
- Does it make you feel good to see the pain & agony you have caused me?
- That I am spending time still trying to unravel myself?
- Are you still wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself or blaming me and calling me a stalker?
- Have you checked if its really me who's doing it?
I hope you get help. Ongoing, long term help. This had nothing to do with jealousy or obsession - but with doing the right thing.
I had a feeling about Julie's brothel and your online sex-partner ads long before - I kept asking... hoping you would open up to me. But you didn't - you just continued to make it very clear that you wanted nothing further to do with me except use me.
I could have gotten you help. Now you're representing me as "fixated" with you, harassing you and "too much of a temptation" for you to be in touch with me FOR REAL. You're painting me as 'out to hurt your wife' when YOU were the one who hurt her. The police and my attorney has chats where YOU said some very nasty things about her and I STUCK UP FOR HER!!
I heard you are trying to make sure everyone hears your story, your "version" of what happened that paints me like some avenging harpy. I got the big hints that I went from college mercy-fuck to internet freebie for an unemployed old acquaintance.You said many things about me in college when you thought I didn't hear you. Then you painted your own special picture of me to Elizabeth and I bet now to everyone else. I get it.
I GET IT.
Put on your big boy panties and leave me alone. The truth is out there. Anyone who really knows you, will believe it. No matter how hard you try to couch them as "lies" and "falsehoods'; no matter what you've been able to convince your wife and family of... the TRUTH and DOCUMENTATION is staying out there. Forever.
Additionally, as a safety precaution I told the owners of a couple online support groups for panic, anxiety & trauma I belonged to that the NYPD were watching my accounts. They asked for YWL's IP number and the IPs the NYPD were using, they didn't want myself or any of their users hassled. I got them and turned them over.
Not 36 hours after doing this TWO SUPPORT SITE OWNERS told me YWL had been on their sites... after googling my id and clicking to my posts!! I flipped out.
I wasn't safe anywhere. I would never be safe again. I didn't sleep for days. I left the MSN Groups but they REFUSED to remove YWL's photos or the story - I begged.
I only wanted support for my PTSD...
YWL took ZERO responsibility for what he'd done to me - and god only knows what Elizabeth was doing!
Eventually my therapist got me to reclaim that ID and not run and hide, not create some new identity.
I was nothing and no one to him. I'm not entitled to be hurt, upset and yes - angry. I would be happy to discuss it all like adults but he won't speak to me - because I supposedly hurt his family on purpose because I am some sort of desperate stalker? He'd rather attack, attack, attack.
Silly me, I thought at least I could be a cordial adult and be polite. It is a good article.
Unfortunately YWL & I belong to the same blogging community. Got to wonder what he's told his REAL friends there about me; since he did mention me in this post. It is sad he will go to any lengths to silence the truth. That's why this blog will remain up, for MY peace of mind... no one else's. I am doing this for ME.
"You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don't kid yourself - They know exactly what they are doing - They prey, victimize, and devastate."
Of course we are to cut YWL all sorts of slack for my 'hurting him, his family, etc.' but no slack for me being completely traumatized, ending up in the hospital a few times, being unable to drive or do much for weeks thereafter, dismantling my computer (according to him I was supposedly stalking & harassing him then. I wonder how I did that with NO COMPUTER???)
-- noooo, somehow he stalks me and reads all my pain & anguish but HE'S THE VICTIM.
Heaven forbid any of us were a real human being not some THING that could be clicked off with his mouse or blocked on IM, huh?
(Note: At this time I knew nothing about Sociopathy and how they operate. YWL is TEXTBOOK.)