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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Example Six: Is a Control Freak, Trampling Privacy/ Boundaries

Readers, I am going to temporarily skip Kathy Krajco's Example #5 (Exhibits Unnatural & Perplexing Behavior -- Backwards Reactions to Things) simply because there is SOOOOOOOOO much to say there that I have to take my time... and it will probably be a long post.
 
One of the questions the victims I speak with always ask or bring up is 'is being a control freak part of this disorder?'
Brainwashed Pictures, Images and Photos

From what I have learned and been taught - Cluster B Pathology (which includes Narcissism & Sociopathy) - always includes the need for Absolute Power & Control in the relationship - whatever that is. And this power and control is done in a number of different ways - coercion, misrepresentation, trance/ suggestibility/ mind control, lying, guilt-tripping and blame-shifting to name a few.

All these types live in a world of delusion. They exploit anyone and everyone to keep their delusions alive and valid (for them). If you question them or break the delusions in any way - you become the enemy to be destroyed. Trying to 'reason with them' or 'make them see reality' is a fool's errand. Don't bother.  

For example: When YWL demanded I take all the postings around the net about him down, I politely tried. I realized later that (as I will cover in #5) he had a backward reaction. Didn't thank me - just raged even more. I even tried to tell him what happened but he didn't want to hear it. Still doesn't. Still an upside-down reaction. Because then he'd have to deal with reality - rather than his convenient delusion of blaming me for things I didn't do and have no control over. It validates YWL's rage at me for discovering who & what he REALLY IS... in black & white... in ways even his nearest and dearest hadn't.
Sociopaths and other pathologicals never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as completely permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile, controlling and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used or an object. Many like to dominate and humiliate their victims.
Very late in the 'relationship' YWL admitted to me he saw me ONLY as an object to be used for cybersex when he felt like it. He got bored early on after my ex-husband found out and confronted him. Just clicked back over to his cyberwhores & escorts and left me hanging - to be beaten and abused by my estranged-husband. YWL did this without a second thought or any remorse. 

Because to him, I was an OBJECT. And when it turned out I was a real person with real feelings - this was not part of his delusion - so he set about to destroy me. He probably will not stop until he does. As someone once said "sociopaths run from truth like vampires from a Xenon flashlight!" 

  YWL controlled WHEN cybersex happened; he cajoled me into it one way or another; when HE felt like it. He controlled things so that I would never meet his family - as I continually requested. He's currently created a picture of me to his wife such that she believes I am evil incarnate and 'obsessed' with him, as well as 'stalking him.' This controls the "flow of information."  

YWL knew that I was empathetic and liked men who loved & took care of their families; were involved with their children; were honest & real. So he discussed HIS family, HIS problems and so on with me freely. This was all to support the picture he purposefully brainwashed me into believing of him as a caring father and hard worker. He knew this would keep me reeled in. No one in their 'right mind' would do what I did - but as many therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists have told me - to my face - I wasn't in my 'right mind'. I was brainwashed. 

YWL showed only cursory interest in my issues, family, etc. His feigned interest only lasted a few months until my ex-husband confronted him. He also started to devalue me as soon as I showed him pictures of what I looked like. Despite MANY MANY MANY times me calling him on it - he convinced me he didn't care that I'd put on weight and was disabled, etc. No, he is too much of an Objectifier. 

And he proved this in his smear & distortion campaign against me. This feigned interest also kept the NLP coercion going because he knew I would not be 'sexual' with him without emotion. So the false concerns he portrayed left me believing he gave a damn and had emotions. He did not. And I now know as a sociopath - he could not and never will. 
   

As things moved along he proclaimed he was more "needy" and his language with me and desires became more disgusting, objectified and blatantly perverse. There was no intimacy, affection or respect in what he wanted - none whatsoever. YWL also blocks or bans people from his website, his Facebook, his Twitter that don't agree with him; that want to have a debate or conversation with him. I have heard from a number of them. It's his way or the highway - UNLESS HE NEEDS YOU FOR SOMETHING. Any 2-way conversations are again, feigned. 

As a true salesman - showing interest in the needs of others; even false - gives the other person (or victim) the impression there is a "relationship." As the line from Glengarry Glenross goes "ABC = Always Be Closing;" and YWL is always closing... for his own needs, his own desire for attention & control & power and nothing else.  

It took me over a year to figure out how YWL was IM'ing all the women on my AOL buddy list. What I realized was I'd somehow given him access. It was almost like he used me as a pimp - anything female was a target. He now included in his pick-up arsenal "just ask Barbara - I'm a decent guy." Since then I have developed a lot of expertise in dealing with the internet. And I have pretty much stopped IMing all together.  

Just another of the too-many-to-count examples of something YWL did that was WAY over-the-line controlling: In his one of his ongoing attempts to smear me & silence me he started googling my nicknames shortly after the blowup. Digging for dirt; like the dirt Computer Crimes found on him (and what he could not find, he made up!)
Here's one thing he found: I have had PCOS since I was 9. One of the symptoms is profuse vaginal fluid. It doesn't smell at all but if you wear colored panties, the pH of it will literally 'bleach' the crotch white. I always have a mini pack of babywipes and baby powder with me to combat it. And anyone who knows me knows I am very particular about my personal cleanliness. This symptom was worse when I was younger but its still an issue.
So YWLstalked my posting about this in a thread on the PCOS forum at Ob/Gyn Net and posted in various places on the net that I was 'a filthy smelly c*nt' or 'has personal hygiene issues' blah blah. (guess who REALLY has hygiene issues?)
One of the women with PCOS from Ob/Gyn net which is where it was posted - found it - told me and I had it removed. One of the DOCTORS who spends time running the PCOS section contacted me. I was horrified. Thousands of women on a site for a very serious hormone disorder were horrified. The DOCTORS' panel on that site reported it to the FBI as well. Talk about no boundaries...
All this to keep me from telling the truth. To scare me into silence. I am sure many of yours, readers, have gone to disgusting lengths to silence you too.
Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:
1. They think they know best about everything. They know what’s best for you; just ask them. They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say. They point out all your mistakes and failings. They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can. They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses. Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along. Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago. You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn. They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well. They’re nit-picking, micro-managers. They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best. They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly. They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.
4. They’re more important than you are. Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world. Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter. Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge. Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions. Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want. They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands. Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.
6. Their excuses, excuse. Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred. Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do. They’re saints in their own minds. You’d better agree or else.
7. Their rules, rule. They know how the world should be and how people should act. They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem. They are virtuous and righteous. They simply talk so loud, stridently and long that you give in. In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time. Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up. They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.
Mind Control Pictures, Images and Photos  

The last evidence of YWL's being a control freak with no boundaries is his new identity - Sammy Benoit; created very shortly after the police found out about everything. And his novella of "the truth about what really happened." All simply more attempts to rewrite history and control reality. As well of the reality of everyone who actually read or listened to what he had to say and didn't see how transparent and inherently abusive & contradictory it was.

I love getting your emails or comments below on how this was done to you. I hope this continues to validate and illuminate things for you. Will continue with #7 (Is Extremely Self-Absorbed) soon!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Example Four: Is Hated for Mysterious Reasons by People Close to Them

Since YWL wouldn't allow me to get genuinely close to him (despite him saying that I was "so important" to him and he could only "really talk to" me. And him telling myself and my best friend how "devastated" he was to lose my respect and friendship... all I really have to go on is the emails I've gotten since I started this blog. I won't reveal the who-s... yes, I know that's suspect... but I don't feel that I should put people's trust in jeopardy. Ever. 

Suffice it to say I have gotten lots & lots of email on this blog from people who deal YWL on a fairly frequent basis. They describe the same odd, self-involved, inappropriate and downright rude behavior from him that I saw in college and blew off. Only now it has gotten a LOT worse. 
 
I hate liars Pictures, Images and Photos

I feel bad for people who have to tolerate YWL for a variety of reasons. I even tried to talk a couple of them into seeing something positive about him. Yes... that's right. Me. But they can't and I understand that. 

What's really bad is I do understand how having to act phony to be around someone you hate makes an honest person feel about themselves. That you are lowering yourself to the level of someone like YWL. That, I get. 

Here's what my late friend Kathy Krajco had to say about this trait:
In fact, another red flag is being hated -- I mean really hated -- for mysterious reasons. And by people that hating is uncharacteristic of.
If, say, a person's adult son or daughter doesn't even visit him in the hospital or go to his funeral,* there is a heavy-duty reason for that. Fortunately, it's not our responsibility to judge. But we do need to appreciate the weight of such a startling fact. People do things for reasons. They are not always good reasons or just reasons, but people do things for reasons.
*Good examples: Abraham Lincoln did not go to his father's funeral, and Barbara Bush did not go to her mother's funeral.
"What Makes Narcissists Tick", pg. 79
And here's what my friend Anna Valerious has to say:
This red flag is well understood by those of us who have been through hell with a narcissist and found ourselves loathing them and forcing no contact for our protection. We would be very unlikely to judge someone else harshly if we found out they had inordinate hatred for a particular person even a parent or sibling. So this red flag is one most of us would readily understand.
Unfortunately, most people out there in the world do not have any of this understanding. They are far too quick to judge what they don't know. They are quick to condemn our hatred of a malignant narcissist as being wrong. They are naive to a fault about people who are capable of earning such hatred -- so they condemn us.
This red flag should be put on billboards and written with sky-writing: Respect the fact that people do things for reasons therefore don't be willing to judge what you know nothing of.
Remember, Kathy is talking about a mysterious, intense hatred for a particular person in someone whom you know doesn't go around routinely hating people. Narcissists, on the other hand, have a very long "enemies list" so it can't be said it is uncharacteristic of them to hate others. It is their default and normal setting. But when you meet someone who typically gets along well with most people then know for sure that if they hate someone there is a reason for it.
It isn't for you to judge whether or not the reason is "good." Frankly, it isn't anyone's damn business.
lied Pictures, Images and Photos  

Do I hate YWL? No. Hate is active. I have had a few people I considered really good friends at one time suddenly to the most unconscionable things to me. My therapist and I went through these things one by one and often we found these people probably had some sort of personality disorder; since I was a target for them. Second, they often did things just as bad or worse to others... so it wasn't "personal." And hating people that do that takes too much energy. 

People like YWL aren't worth my wasting my energy on when there are other things I can and DO do that serve a much better and more healing purpose.

I do hate what he does - like using women and lying about it. I do his view of women as warm plumbing and the things he does to coerce sex out of them... including paying for it.


I do hate how he made me feel. I do hate why he did this to me. And I do hate people who lie and who try to 'drum up' support for a smear campaign to cover their misdeeds. You know - the "she's a scorned woman, bunny boiler, crazy, psycho, stalker... blah blah blah." Yes, THAT nonsense I hate.  About anyone. It's childish and its a big neon sign of lying, in part, to divert people away from the truth. 



YWL implied that I have such an 'out of control ego' that I am simply angry because he didn't love me and because he wouldn't "bang" me. Pure projection.  He also has a bridge in Brooklyn for sale, I hear.

I do hate liars. And particularly people who lie to exploit others - men, women... anyone who abuses someone's trust in them to get what they want. 

(And I hate the terrorists that attacked NYC on 9/11 - a lot of us NYers took that personally. I still do.) 

  I always say to my children "I don't hate you but I do hate your behavior." This applies to YWL also.  

What about your sociopath or narcissist? Do you hate them?
-------------------------

XXXXX@mail.net 2009-12-26 07:52:10 - Submitted on 2009/12/26 at 1:49am 

Barbara I wanted to thank you so much for all the investigative work you have done over time on the many different techniques that can be used on the human mind/psyche to brainwash and/ or hypnotize a person. I feel some of this was attempted on me and up until I read some of the stuff on your site about hypnosis and brainwashing, I hadnt a clue as to how very real that stuff is! Frightening. And by the way Barbara I have read about this monster that caused you so much pain and mental and emotional & physical anguish – I read many of the links and have seen his pic, read his political blog, and the other links that showed where he rated escorts, all of that. It was truly an amazing insight into how sick and depraved the human mind can become – so thank you for posting it and being so honest. 

He’s obviously sexually perverted and lacking basic morals and integrity all the while trying to portray himself as an upstanding intellectual in the political & religious communities he rubs elbows in. He may say he’s changed – but we all know these types never change… they just get sneakier. He is beyond pathetic, beyond disgusting. 

Barbara, you are an angel… your honesty is helping me heal. God bless you.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Example Three: Has a History of Past Upheavals

If you know a narcissist's history, you will usually see a track of mysterious upheavals in his life. He suddenly up and moves to a different school or job in a different town every few years. That is, every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged. In one narcissist I know of, these upheavals began with one in the eighth grade. " What Makes Narcissists Tick" pg. 79

In other words, once the narcissist has crapped enough in one place and it begins to stink they have to move on. The pile of excrement near the narcissist has made it clear to others who is doing the crapping. All that dung is what we call 'exposure'. Thus requiring a new scene for the narcissist.
Dirty Harry Pictures, Images and Photos
With YWL it's not only exposure... but not getting his way or people disagreeing with him.
Instance one with me: In December 1976, YWL packed up and left the college we were attending and went to another. I didn't know where he went, he never bothered to even tell me he was going - where he was going - or keep in touch. The next time I heard from him was April 2002 when HE (yes HE) looked me up on Classmates.com. I have the first email and the police found his Classmates account and retrieval of my email to contact me, which blows the nonsense he's been spreading about me stalking him for years out of the water.  

Now prior to leaving, his roommate, David - was teasing him relentlessly. YWL introduced David and I and David dominated my life for the next 3 years. (I didn't find out until a couple weeks before I graduated that David was obsessed with me, that others knew about his obsession and waited until the bitter end to tell me. David tried to kill me and control my whole life... David was, I believe, the first sociopath I ever dealt with personally.) 

David had asked YWL if he'd ever slept with me. You see, David was enamored with me at the time and he asked me about my relationship with YWL and I was HONEST! I said 'yes, that I cared about YWL.' 

  YWL later told me (to cover his derriere) that he didn't think it was anyone's business rather than admitting he lied. (The fact that he published reviews of all the escorts he saw on a number of Hooker-Review-Sites tells me he thinks his amoral exploits are EVERYONE'S business!) 

There's a big difference between that and OUTRIGHT LYING! Which is what he did... and in a typically cruel and hurtful way.  

A bunch of us were in YWL and David's room. I was sitting at the end of David's bed with our friend Dan, looking out the window. I audibly heard David ask YWL if he'd been intimate with me. YWL's response is one I never forgot.
 
"HER?? I would NEVER sleep with her! She's not my type. Besides she's not even Jewish."
I got up an excused myself from the room. Didn't tell anyone I'd heard that dagger in my stomach. 

But YWL had been blowing me off and avoiding me since he started rooming with David. This "I would NEVER..." incident did it for me. I started to ignore YWL and avoid him too. 

YWL wasn't quite done with harming me. Sociopathic types never are with open-hearted people. No. Just before he packed up and left, YWL told David that yes, in fact he HAD been intimate with me. And then bolted the school and any responsibilities he may have had towards anyone there.  

The result? When I returned from Winter Break in early January 1977, David called my room (which was right downstairs) and asked me to come up. He'd obviously been ruminating over the break. He'd called my home a few times during break to chat, saying he missed me, but said nothing about this revelation. 

But now, I walked into David's room and he grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled that YWL had confirmed that we had been intimate and that he was furious with me! I was pushed/ thrown into YWL's old now-empty closet. I got up and ran downstairs, locking myself in my room. 

This was the beginning of the contentious campaign and dramatically covert abusive relationship David ran on me almost until we graduated. I am lucky to be alive. And I never heard an apology from YWL, nor anying "owning" of the results of his behavior towards me ever.   REMORSELESS.
This history of past upheavals can be more subtle than the narcissist having to physically pull up stakes and move to a new place. This is what Kathy is talking about though. If you are acquainted with someone who keeps telling you about how they had to get rid of this person, that person and the other person where all the blame rests on the other party or they had to get away -- you are witnessing a "history of past upheavals" and it is a sign you are looking at a narcissist. Moving about geographically is only one outward sign of past upheavals. High turnover in social circles and relationships is the subtler sign. I call it subtler because it requires a knowledge of that person's social history for you to follow the trend.
YWL later put me on the defensive (see article excerpts at the bottom of this post) by saying that he thought "David made me hate [him]." Not that he'd put me on the curb like garbage when he was done using me. No... somehow HE was the victim!  

YWL also says that HE broke up the 5 year engagement relationship between himself and his ex-fiance (the person he says he SHOULD have married). I wonder about that. From what he told me, if there was any truth to it... it was volatile and revolved around sex, sex and more sex. (who knows what was real and what wasn't there)  

YWL also has a poor job history since 2001. Lots of periods of unemployment. Whether it be redundancy, turnover or just bad timing... this guy's having a lot of problems maintaining income. 

He looked me up online during a period of unemployment and manipulated, brainwashed and lied to me to turn me into some 'online freebie.' Something I would never have been on my own if I wasn't brainwashed!
Kathy stated that, "every time the good angels in his Pathological Space start comparing notes, get his number, and become enraged" that it forces the narcissist to fold up his tent and move away. It is possible that the narcissist you know has managed to arrange a Pathological Space where there are no "good angels" to hold him or her to account.
Remember YWL's lame apology about what happened? I know Elizabeth mentioned numerous times how he PROMISED her he'd be back in touch once he calmed his wife down. She had a very hard time believing she'd been dumped so quickly. But once she did realize it - she was enraged. 

I myself, have never heard from him again - and hope I never do. Just the thought of attempting to be polite to him again and his backward reaction to anything makes my stomach churn.
Sometimes the narcissist is able to form a family circle (or any social circle) in which there are no dissenters. Either the dissenters have fled or have been forcefully ousted by the majority rule of the narcissist and his underlings.
This scenario of the narcissist gaining a large enough mass of sychophants, enablers, beta narcissists in his Pathological Space means it can camoflage this red flag to onlookers and acquaintances. Beware.
In this case look for a cult following. If you find a person with a cult-leader type of effect on the people in his social circle then you can be damned sure you're looking at a narcissist. In a cult-type setting it always looks like the "Cult Leader" is the immovable rock never having to vacate his setting but forcing out those who don't fit in. It is a fake-out form of stability. Remember that families can be cult-like in construct.
sore loser Pictures, Images and Photos

This may or may not be what is going on with YWL's family and friends - I don't know but from what I've heard it is: no dissent allowed. (Another reason why he's such a good example for people to understand this type of Pathological) 

Oddly, YWL did tell me (the police & my lawyer have the verified chats) many times that his mother and sister sexually abused him when he was a child, numerous times. Looking for sympathy again with a constructed lie?

Click here for another example of YWL's lack of tolerance for a difference of opinion and getting as far away from debate and fair discussion as possible; unapologetically.  

To finish the example here, some excerpts from a wonderful article by Steve Becker, LSCW:

Accepting the Blame to Preserve the Relationship

Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment. From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors. Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault. Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
 
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
 
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
..............

   

A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying). ......... But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it. 
-------------------------
 
On a final note, YWL 'justified' his 'relationships' with both myself and Elizabeth by telling both of us (remember verified copies of chats are on file) that his wife was cold, pious, hated sex, he was sooooo lonely, he NEEDED, he couldn't handle the lack of love/ sex... etc... There is NO JUSTIFICATION for the depraved games a pathological grooms & lures us into. None whatsoever. The blame is solely theirs.  

Kathy Krajco's Example Four: is Hated for Mysterious Reasons by People Close to Them - is next. It will probably be short because a lot of it is covered in this post!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Example Two: Damages the Images of Most Others

This one's almost too easy. So I am going to do the obvious, with a disclaimer -- For some image damaging: YWL's blog. Just read it. 

That said, let me add that on my personal blog, I vent my spleen on a lot of politicians and other persons who's actions harm others and that I have deep disagreement with. I am a Mayflower descendant and a Daughter of the American Revolution so for me - it's practically a birthright. YWL and myself and every blogger out there has every right to say whatever we want about whoever we want AS LONG AS IT'S OPINION OR WE CAN BACK IT UP WITH HARD FACTS.
 
Unfortunately, YWL went the extra step with me... he posted things that he wants and NEEDS people to believe I did - which I did not, could not and would not. 

(The funny thing I find is that this "STORY OF..." went a lot further than me. He'd been using that nickname a loooooong time before me - which I learned from what law enforcement turned up on him. I was a small blip in that sordid 'STORY') 

 face palm Pictures, Images and Photos

He made sure to tell these things to people who don't know me, don't know my character and others who he's made damn sure will never know me - like his wife. Aside from this post of his... (and his comments here, since he tried to scrub this off his blog) there are a few other things have trickled down to me from people who he's spoken to about me like, I AM:
  • a predator
  • obsessed with him
  • lost my virginity to him so I am fixated on him for life
  • stalking him (online and off)
  • harassing him
  • lying about him
  • making things up or planting lies online
  • a bunny boiler
  • a scorned woman
  • a horror
...and many other minor, juvenile things.  ALL VERIFIABLY INCORRECT!!!
 
The narcissist will project that off onto the most conspicuously well spoken person in the group, someone who avoids gossip and never spreads vicious rumors about others, someone who often praises and speaks well of other people instead. Therefore, you have to be a complete idiot to believe the narcissist when he tells you that this person is maligning him. - Kathy Krajco
Let me comment on each of these assertions of his one by one just to make the point about how these Pathologicals operate:  

A Predator - I'm not the one who labeled him a predator. EOPC did, in their educated opinion labeled him that. So he engaged in projection. As far as what EOPC opines helps make him a predator, from what myself and Elizabeth told them: I have never used online dating ever; I never scoured the reunion sites looking for old 'friends'; I have never used hookers; I have never had sex without emotion on my part; I have never posted online about using hookers and I have never used 'friends' as leverage to get to their other friends to try to start affairs. I also never ever physically cheated on my ex-husband. 

Obsessed with Him - Most victims of pathologicals go through a period of trying to 'figure it all out' and deprogramming from the brainwashing and gaslighting pathologicals do. Therapists and Counselors told me it can take over 18 months and I can safely say I am way beyond that now. Despite it taking me years for the cognitive dissonance to wear off, I simply don't have the time or inclination to be obsessed with anyone but my children. 

I 'lost my virginity to' him so I 'am fixated" - No. I was not a virgin when we were intimate first time in the Fall of 1975. I did bleed all over him and 2 days later had to go to the Student Health Center to be checked out and found I had internal bruising and tearing. Something the other 2 people I had been intimate with did not do to me.  

By the way, YWL never called or came by my dorm to check on me or did anything to find out if I was o.k. afterward. An early red flag that he couldn't care less but I was too young and uneducated about these types to know.  

Stalking Him (online and off) - No. I turned everything over to law enforcement in March 2004. I had no computer for over a year and MY online activity was monitored, as I believe was his. I enforce no contact - which is fine as I know he will never speak to me again. As far as offline, no way. It's over an hour, one way to his house and because of my disability I can't always sit and drive that far for that long. His accusations are about middle-of-the-night things. 

He's also accused a friend of mine of doing this for me. Sorry, she and I are both single mothers and have no time or reason to bundle up our children in the middle of the night to go to his house and do whatever-it-is-we-supposedly-did. I think I have been in his county maybe 2 times in the last year to go shopping. But I have no intention of following him in person nor am I physically well enough to do so. My doctors would attest to this. (And did to the Detective he and his wife went to and told I was 'stalking' him. Of course, he provided no real proof just words.)  

Harassing Him - No. I don't need more of his endless narcissistic rage. I am too ill and my PTSD issues are permanent now. I need to expend energy on my children and my own health. He simply isn't important enough to me. I can not, however, control what Elizabeth Green does or does not do... although I have taken enough blame for it.  

Lying About Him - No reason to do so. Hence this blog with some evidence. I have absolutely nothing to gain by lying about him. I also had plenty to lose by telling the truth, but I did so for my own healing. Besides I am a bad liar and always have been. Again - this is projection.  

Making Things Up or Planting Lies Online - No. YWL demanded a while back I get posts about him taken down. He of course, didn't care to follow up ("she wants me to listen. NO WAY BITCH") that I couldn't get things taken down, though I did try. Why?  

BECAUSE AS MANY OF THE SITES TOLD ME AND I FORWARDED THE EMAILS TO HIM - THEIR REASON: I WAS NOT THE PERSON WHO POSTED THEM THERE 
IN THE FIRST PLACE! 

 Besides, what he did to me was so monstrous, there is no need to be a "good emglisher" (as he claimed to be in his first threat towards me). It's unbelievable enough to those who have never dealt with a Pathological.
 
A Bunny Boiler - I like bunnies. I love animals and most of my pets have been very protective of me. I couldn't dissect a frog in high school and I certainly would never boil a bunny. My doctor will also tell you, I am allergic to game food.

A Scorned Woman - How old & tired is this comment? As if women can't be angry or upset when someone craps all over them? I guess we're not allowed to get peeved when someone plays with our mind, uses us for sex and lies about us every chance they get. And Elizabeth will tell you, I offered a few times to totally back off so she & he could be happy together. And I offered to help him find help for the "bad marriage" he convinced me he was stuck in. And NO, I don't want him. I am not the least bit 'jealous' of his wife nor am I upset that, as he says he "wouldn't f*ck" me. Why would I be jealous when I kept saying NO to him and kept telling him to work on his marriage? (I have all the verified chats to prove this). Nothing to be jealous of, really.  

A Horror - All I can say is I don't go out much but when I do, I have never seen people look at me and run away screaming or crying. When YWL and I had lunch in September 2003 he tried to make fun of me "dyeing" my hair. I can safely say I haven't dyed my hair since my acting career had to stop in 1995 and I have plenty of gray hair now to prove that.

 
Pathologicals say & do many things to make themselves look good. One of the main ways - is damaging the images of most others. Many times YWL said a few times his ex-fiance, Robyn's husband, Marty was "gay." He questioned if my ex-husband is "gay." (Even though the police and my attorney still have the chat where he asked if I could set him up with one of my gay friends so he could 'try it out.'  INSENSITIVE!)

What is even more nasty and odd is that when he found out I have a number of gay male friends, he first called me a "fag hag" then asked if I could find out if one of them would be willing to have sex with him one time so he could know what that was like. Don't worry I didn't even consider doing it!

ist2_939409_bunny_boiler.jpg Pictures, Images and Photos

What a Narcissist Does to Those He Slanders

by Kathy Krajco  

One of the tricks of the dramatic fiction-writing trade is to know, and focus on, a particular aspect of human nature. It is this: Every person's most precious possession is the image of him- or her-self that each carries around inside. 

Fact: People will do ANYTHING to preserve and protect it. Fact: Nobody can bear to have that be the image of an evil person. This is why character assassination is the fate worse than death. That's why it's called "destroying" a person. This is why it drives people to murder and suicide. 

 Even criminals who have committed violent crimes treasure a self concept of themselves as essentially good inside. And many, perhaps even most, are. Storytellers exploit this by creating a situation in which the hero's self-concept is threatened. That's automatic maximum motivation. 

For example, Hamlet's self concept is that of an honorable man. So Shakespeare has his father's brother come along and seduce his mother, murder his father the king, and then stain the throne of Denmark with an incestuous marriage to his mother in order to keep the throne from going to Prince Hamlet as it should. What are people going to think of Hamlet if he goes along with this? If he just looks the other way at the murder of his own father? What is Hamlet going to think of himself?

But it's a Catch-22, because everyone else is sucking up to the usurper, so they dishonestly view Hamlet as crazy for suspecting the usurper and will condemn him as evil for doing justice. So, Hamlet is damned as a bad person either way. 

If you put a character like Hamlet in a predicament like this, you have yourself a whopper of a story with it's own engine roaring and ready to go. Since before recorded history, there have been stories of ghosts. According to legend, not just anyone who dies could become a ghost. A ghost was someone who could not rest in peace. He could not accept what had happened to him. Usually that's because he was murdered in some diabolical way, either as Hamlet's father was or as Jesus of Nazareth was -- by being framed and executed for crimes he never committed. He died a criminal.
 
Put yourself in his shoes. Could you tolerate that? No. Nobody can. Nobody can tolerate the whole world believing they're evil when they're not, especially when the person who has falsely accused them is the evil one and comes out smelling like a rose. That turns the whole world upside down, making good evil and evil good. It is an INTOLERABLE state of affairs! Human nature cannot abide it. Indeed, even the blessed spirits in Heaven are said to be unable to stand it. For, that's precisely what started the mythical war in Heaven between St. Michael the Archangel and Lucifer, who later became known as Satan (which means the "accuser" or "character assassin").
 
That's the reasoning upon which is founded the belief that Jesus will return. The early Christians expected him to return to Jerusalem any day, with an army of angels. Do you think that he would have been in a good mood? They didn't. Who did they think they were fooling? Me? I'd know I hadn't fooled him, and I'd be scared shitless of anybody I did that to. So, what would you do if someone you had done that to returned returned with great power? Tremble, eh?  

That's why the traditional representations of the Second Coming are of it as "a day of wrath, a dreadful day." In this upside down world Jesus is the bad guy and the Sanhedrin and the people of Jerusalem are the good guys. Like St. Michael the Archangel, he is going to turn the world right-side up again by giving the real bad guys the reputation they deserve. You needn't be a Christian to get the import of this story. The narcissist plays the part of the Sanhedrin (which was indeed narcissistic and envious of Jesus). The people of Jerusalem play the part of everyone who listens to his slander and calumny of you, even though it flies in face of the facts of your known conduct, gobbling it up just because it's juicy and because condemning others makes them feel righteous. 

If, say, this happens in the workplace, Pontius Pilate plays the part of the boss. There is nothing worse you can do to a human being. So, if this has happened to you, your feelings are natural. Don't make it worse by feeling guilty about them and trying to bury them. You cannot accept it. But you can accept your feelings. So do. You just hunger and thirst for justice. What's so bad about that? If you bide your time, maybe someday you'll get it. 

But unfortunately, you probably won't, because there's very little true justice in this world. That place has been diseased and corrupted by the malignant influence of the narcissist. So just leave it, and kick its dust from your feet as unfit habitation for decent people. Indeed, would you rather trade places with them? He owns them. He doesn't own you.  

SOURCE 





The next will be Number Three: They Have a History of Past Upheavals. Feel free to post YOUR examples from your Pathological here, too! 

Monday, October 8, 2007

Example One: Puts on Conspicuous Display of Goodness & Kindness

One of the ways in which Pathologicals try to do this is by involving themselves with organizations or persons who give them the "air of respectability." Here's some of the examples YWL has provided us with: 

 
The destructive narcissist can steal virtue and substance from her profession or from belonging to certain clubs or organizations or charities. Service professions are very attractive to malignant narcissists. So is religion. As is Parenthood.
Just tool around YWL's blog to see the numerous pro-Israel/ Jewish organizations and efforts he's involved with. Now, I don't see that as bad... IF I thought there was really even an iota of altruism involved. YWL in this article he wrote in 2002 admits that:
I went the other direction and became a kind of a "social" Jew. I wrapped myself in the blanket of Jewish causes and organizations, using them to protect myself from the guilt I felt as I drifted further and further away from the few mitzvot that I did keep.
Since then he's become a lot more observant, he says. But I have to wonder if:
  • he kept his kippah on when he was at the brothels he visited on his lunch hours from 2000-2004?
  • Or if he had doing mitzvot in mind when he posted these on THE EROTIC REVIEW (since erased from TER but logged by law enforment) [BTW this link/ photo and information WAS NOT POSTED BY ME!!!! but YWL demanded I remove it and I wrote this site and was REFUSED! )
Since 2004 I have worked with so many other victims whose Pathological was a 'devout' religious person. They even hurl scripture at the victims who discover their true agenda - as YWL did at me when he found out I 'told' about his real identity. Many of these people were also sexually deviant and insatiable, somehow convincing their victims, as I was led to believe - that the sexual and spiritual was all tied up together.
Confuse Desire and Reality Create the Perfect Illusion - Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding a victim's powers of reason.
Stir Up the Transgressive and Taboo People yearn to explore their dark side. Take your targets further than they imagine - the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond.
Use Spiritual Lures Everyone has doubts and insecurities about their physical presence. Lure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual.
And none of these Pathologicals, YWL included - just DID their "good deeds" but were sure to take pictures, blog and write about them. They were sure to end up in church bulletins, blogs and online magazines. Their pictures and 'good deeds' prominently featured. Do I need to do that? No. Actually when I do things I do them first and rarely think about why until later... and I don't care if people know or not. That's not why I do them. And you?  

Do I think YWL's blog is a bad thing? No. I don't read it. But I think he believes he's doing a good thing and I believe in his right to his opinion. If his brand of politics is your bag - then by all means read it! 
 
Many Pathologicals actually believed they were God's special friend. Below are some excerpts from a really wonderful article I was sent that many of my readers, I'm sure, will relate to (despite talking about Christian churches, this type of sociopath is present in EVERY RELIGION irregardless): 

 

The Characteristics of a Religious Sociopath

by Rev. CJ Conner
 
Dr. Martha Stout ponders the question: "Could it be that all of the world’s greatest human tragedies are attributable to only 4% of the human population?" I think about the fact that most of the destructive socio-political movements in the American Church are pushed by a miniscule minority of voices who are well organized into national voting blocks. They in no way represent the faith and belief of the majority of Christians, but have found their way into the halls of power. 

Here are some characteristics of the sociopathic personality that Stout outlines in her book, "The Sociopath Next Door."  

1) Despite their ability to know and distinguish good from evil, they suffer from a total lack of conscience and can do anything at anytime to hurt and harm another. In the church, this is usually manifested in destroying the ministries of people they disagree with. Black-listing pastoral candidates and pastors, for example, that don’t agree with the top leadership’s social agendas in the Mainline Church, is common. There are stories of Bishops and pastors that have undermined ministries, broken up marriages, leveled serious false charges against those that disagree with them, and taken and sold off congregational property to "win" their agendas with no remorse for the hurt, carnage, and damage they cause to others.  

2) The Sociopath is unable to develop any kind of true, loyal attachments to people. This inability to be genuinely connected to others renders their experience of life bland, colorless, boring, and tedious. Consequently, they turn to power, not love and relationship, as the primary motivational factor for their lives. The sociopath seeks to gain power through which he can find some sense of connection to humanity by causing the suffering of others. The more he is able to make another suffer or hurt, the greater his sense of personal power, and the more exciting and invigorating life becomes. Stout says that the motivation for self aggrandized power is so strong in the sociopath that many of them work hard to place themselves in leadership positions because the authority of an office or position gives the sociopath the tools and avenues he needs to both feed and fuel her mental illness. (YWL was, to the best of my knowledge, at one time on the board of his shul, and is - according to emails I have recieved - now visibily helping with services every Shabbat and holiday at his shul.)  

3) You can not judge or pick out a sociopath by their appearance. They look well put together, often charming, and are consumate actors. This is why they are masters at getting regular, normal, healthy people to provide aid and support to their mischief and abuses. Stout writes, "In a confusing irony, conscience can be rendered partially blind because people without conscience use, as weapons against us, many of the fundamentally positive tools we need to hold society together- empathic emotions, sexual bonds, social and professional roles, regard for the compassionate and the creative, our desire to make the world a better place, and the organizing rule of authority. And people who do hideous things do not look like people who do hideous things. There is no "face of evil."… We try, consciously or tacitly, to judge a person’s character by his or her appearance, but this book-by-its-cover strategy is ineffective in nearly all cases. In the real world, the bad guys do not look the way they are supposed to." In the Mainline denominations generally appeal to all of the things listed above, and in fact we see them working very hard to keep the focus on things like "sexual bonds" and "healing the world"- causes that draw people in while their leaders are busy working on a whole agenda of evil things.  

4) Sociopaths tend to be inordinately focused on sexuality and are often hypersexual. The more taboo the expression of sexuality, the better for the sociopath. Anybody following the news coming out of the Mainline denominations knows that the religious leaders have put most of their energy the last few years talking about all manner and form of sex. This obsessive preoccupation with sex, and with normalizing socially unacceptable sexuality, is the mark of a sociopath. (Just read this blog to see how YWL tried to lure my friends and even did lure me into an inappropriate relationship - based on his sex addiction, while swearing that there were real emotions there - and using NLP and hypnosis to keep me locked in a sick cycles with him; which he now calls a "game." This cycle landed me in the hospital and intensive treatment for PTSD symptoms... and which are now permanent. Just reading his reviews of hookers he saw between 2000-2004 it is obvious what he thinks of women. His actions speak louder than his words.)  

5) Sociopaths have no intervening sense of obligation to other people. They will betray whoever is convenient at the moment. They can’t maintain healthy and stable relationships primarily because sociopaths view people as disposable when their usefulness to their needs or agendas runs out, particularly if those people won’t help them with their mischief and abuse anymore. The people who were their "best friends" yesterday become their latest project of abuse, harrassment, and emotional torture the next.  

6) Sociopaths are not the most conscientious of workers, but they know how to make a splashy entrance from time to time, or initiate some new project, to maintain the appearance of normalcy- to keep people from finding out about their sociopathy. One Bishop I read about worked a ruthlessly destructive and hurtful agenda during his tenure in office. Six months before the denomination was due to elect a new presiding Bishop, all of his divisive projects and agendas became suddenly quiet and he made a splashy show by introducing an initiative to get the denomination to read their Bibles and learn about evangelism. For 5 1/2 years these two things were not anywhere on his priority list, but conveniently just before an election, they became important. Sociopaths know that most people will be none the wiser, and after the election, this man will most certainly promptly go back to socially engineering the Church in his image. We should also think about the fact that the Mainline denominations have so dumbed down their theological curriculum and requirements for pastors in seminary that they have become an easy place for the typical sociopath to sneak into influential positions of power and authority. The Mainline Seminaries of today have become the perfect sanctuaries for sociopaths who are looking for an easy ride to power.  

7) Sociopaths lack remorse. They have absolutely no sorrow or shame for the things they do wrong and the ways they hurt other people. In fact, more than lacking in remorse, they often justify what they do- if not externally, at least internally. Their efforts at self-justification usually involve whole other layers of hurting others as they lie and falsely report about them to justify their sociopathic behavior. 8)  

8) Sociopathy is incurable. Even if it were curable, sociopaths almost never want to be cured. They look at people who allow an overriding sense of obligation mitigate their responses to situations and consider them total fools. Sociopaths can oftentimes be heard as describing the conscience that others possess as a weakness and an impediment to personal power and progress. All of the Mainline denominations have adopted these ideas amongst their leadership in their "church-based organizing" models, and have sent people to week long brain washing sessions to inculcate them with the cut throat, self-interest focused world of sociopathy. The skills people "learn" there have become the new virtues of the Mainline, and the behavior that sociopaths routinely engage has in many parts of the country become highly regarded and honored by church folks.  

9) Sociopaths want you to pity them. In some strange and perverted twist, lacking the capacity to pity or empathize themselves, they know that pity is one of humanity’s greatest vulnerabilities and most of us believe the ability to pity is a part of what’s wonderful about people. We become totally vulnerable in the face of somebody that we pity. The sociopath knows that once he has your pity, he has you in his power and control, able to trick or convince you of virtually anything. Stout says, "The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.

Consider ALL of the arguments you hear about maintaining and codifying the newly revised position and teaching of the Mainline churches on sexuality. The crux of the discussion about gay marriage, and practicing homosexual pastors, for example, always seeks to win your pity. Another church leader I know fashions herself as the eternal underdog that the whole world is against, invoking the pity factor and drawing people in to assist her in constructing her scaffold of sociopathy through which she exercises her authority in destructive and egregious ways, leaving a writhing path of pain and desolation in her wake. Expelled from her denomination because they caught on to her, she has no problem quickly moving on and drawing others right into a new sociopathic scheme. Another national leader is the master at putting on the pitiful face and drawing sympathy from the crowds as he refers to those who disagree with his radical socio-political agendas as persecutors. 

He tops it off by comparing his "persecution" to the suffering of Christ. When talking about those who disagree with his support of a whole number of social justice agendas, he reminds his listeners that "We are sharing in Christ’s persecutions." When the shoe is on the other foot, however, Sociopaths have no regard or empathy for the other, and will ruthlessly attack those who once pitied them or were loyal to them, often in subterfuge so they can maintain their cover.  

There are some good Church leaders out there, I can’t deny that. But if 20% of your top religious leaders are sociopathic, what does that mean for the identity of your denomination? ....''


   


It's absolutely bone-chilling to me how much of the above nails someone like YWL.

I wish he was help-able and cureable. But I have learned I need to worry about myself, my family and our healing from what he did to us - and to pass along the knowledge, validation and courage to heal and speak out to others.(which is what I am doing here)  

~~~~~ 

One of the other manners which Pathologicals employ to pump up that "conspicuous display of goodness and kindness" is REVISING HISTORY. Below another wonderful article and plenty of evidence in this in how YWL tried to spin what truly happened (see here for his version which I will give equal time to).  

Steve Becker, LCSW wrote a wonderful post on this process which I am reprinting here. 

  

by Steve Becker, LCSW  
One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians. They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history. And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances. And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. 

If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity. The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you. They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.  

On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever. History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits. 

 (my example: HERE) How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.  

The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history. When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship. The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy. (My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that men have a patent on these disorders.)  


Here's my evidence, everything I can legally show you.  

That covers Number One of the eight traits my late friend, Kathy Krajco mentions. Stay tuned for more examples of Example Two: Damages the Images of Most Others

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

GOING TO START POSTING HERE AGAIN



Over the years I have lost track of the emails I have gotten about this blog. They fell into 3 categories:
  • Thanking me for talking about what happened to me because it validated their experience(s) with their alleged Narcissist or Socio/Psychopath
  • Telling me about their experience with Yid with Lid re: his blog or in person. 100% of what they told me validated the pattern of pathology I identified in his treatment of me after all my therapy, clinic stay and C-PTSD management work with counselors.
  • Begging me to start posting here again because they needed more validation for their own pathological relationships
I decided to start doing the last. Not because there is anything at all left to say about Yid with Lid. Nor am I interested in 'stirring it all up again.' But I am going to do what was requested. Use this story to continue to educate others about this sort of destructive interpersonal pathology, how it works, and that it is in NO WAY the fault of us victims! My friend Kathy Krajco, who wrote EXTENSIVELY on Narcissism passed away in 2007. Her insightful writing is deeply missed but I will use some of what she'd written about a Pathological's traits, rather than what I consider to be the obtuse DSM-V description. Eight red flags of narcissism as listed originally by (now deceased) Kathy Krajco:
  1. puts on a conspicuous display of goodness and kindness
  2. damages the images of most others
  3. has a history of past upheavals
  4. is hated for mysterious reasons by people close to them
  5. exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior -- backwards reactions to things
  6. is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
  7. is extremely self-absorbed
  8. has a hostile reaction to attention and credit given others
I will post about these Eight Red Flags in the context of what Yid with Lid did to me to illustrate the pathology, as well as more as I identify it. I hope this helps someone with their ongoing healing, as it has helped me. I have spent the last couple years working towards getting my counseling degree to be able to help the thousands of victims of these types of men. Their pain is mine - and the effects are profound. We may never be the same - but we can move forward. 

 "Whosoever saves one life, saves the world entire." - Talmud