FACEBOOK GROUP FOR VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS

FACEBOOK GROUP FOR VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS https://www.facebook.com/groups/NoNarcsRUs/1187498977942998/

Sunday, September 30, 2007

REASONS TO GO PUBLIC




I am relieved every day that I went public with YWL's abuse, despite my feeling very humiliated at first. Not because I wanted revenge but as someone who believes strongly in God - I believe it is our duty to tell so the other person can get help, try to change (if possible) and help others around them. It is horrifying to realize that you were USED for free sex with lies and then told it's your own darn fault .

But even more horrifying to not speak up about it.

I do not believe in cover ups - which is why I went public with my own behavior in this and what I learned happened from what happened to me. I fully realize now I was mind controlled by someone who was pulling my strings. I learned how this was done, how my own oxytocin and serotonin was used to manipulate me and get me to cross my own boundaries; and then blame ME for it. I no longer accept that blame because it was never mine to start with.  

I have gotten so many private emails from victims about this blog. They said they saw their own Sociopathic or Narcissistic abuser in what I discussed here and then I was able to direct them on to get help, validation and heal from what happened. The other emails are from other bloggers or net users who have had run-ins with YWL's ongoing hypocrisy, need for attention, and explosive anger with anyone who doesn't agree with him or cover-up for him, and so on. It has been very validating but sad that he has made no attempt to get help for his pathology and continues to beat down anyone who holds the mirror up to him and his behaviors.  

More on rebuke, telling and the 'right thing to do': 
 ________________________  

I wonder where folks get the idea that Judeo-Christians have to be meek and mild, silently enduring mistreatment, tolerating anything anybody else does, and timidly standing by while abusers trample all over them and other innocent victims. Since when is it a sin to speak out against evil? This is what our abusers want us to believe, and they just love throwing it back in our faces anytime we protest their behavior. They provoke us to anger, they cause untold pain and suffering, and then when we finally speak up, they smugly inform us that we’re not acting like “good Christians or good Jews”. This is hogwash. Abusers would just love for us to back off and be quiet while they do anything they want and get away with murder. Satan will always try to use our righteousness against us, to get us to question our faith, and to separate us from God. This is just another one of his tricks. 

What kind of awesome, wonderful, All-Good God would our Father be if he actually wanted us to allow wickedness to operate unchecked in our families and our lives? This concept is preposterous, and contradicts the perfect goodness of the Lord. Our God is All-Good, and the devil is all-bad. They are diametrically opposed for all eternity. God instructs his saints to take a stand against evil and fight the good fight, not to keep silent and hide in the closet. It is God’s plan that good will triumph over evil. We are the Army of God. We must put on the full armor of God and stand against Satan and his army. That is our assignment, and our destiny as a child of God.
When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul....Ezekiel 33: 8-9 KJV
Answer a fool according to his folly, Lest he be wise in his own conceit....Proverbs 26:5 KJV
 

It is truly a wonder to behold the amount of time, energy, and creativity that abusers and their Silent Partners (spouses, family members, new partners) will put into inventing an infinite variety of lame excuses to justify why they should be allowed to continue hurting others. How much easier and more constructive it would be to just re-direct and devote all of that effort into simply changing their behavior. But They Don't Want To. So, whether confronting your abuser, or reading about all of his ridiculous excuses, keep in mind that all you're really asking of his, and all he really has to do, is JUST STOP IT. Here are the reactions we ourselves experienced when we began to set limits on our controlling or abusive relatives, as well as reactions other sisters have reported.
from: http://www.luke173ministries.org

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

YOU ARE MERELY HIS "PREY"


by Ava St Clair  

The narcissist looks for those who are kind, generous, trusting, empathetic and loving, all characteristics that the narcissist does not possess. It is as if by capturing his prey, the narcissist will somehow be able to drain the victim of her good qualities and make them become his own. Narcissists do not possess these positive characteristics. Lack of empathy, love and compassion allows the narcissist to conduct his life in an all consuming pattern of controlling behaviour steeped in abuse, lies, and manipulations.

The narcissist is a human enigma to those of us that have encountered him in a personal relationship; a "murderer of souls" full of contradictions.

Initially, the narcissist will take note of the new target's behaviour. He will carefully study the target's interactions with others, her body language, tone of voice, and general demeanour. As an expert hunter, he will methodically craft his plan of attack and begin to track his target. The narcissist will slowly approach the target with complimentary words and statements. He will model himself and his behaviour to what he thinks will please his target. He will assume the behaviour of the target's "perfect man". The narcissist knows what the target desires in a partner and mate.



You Want Crazy? I Got Your Crazy..

Once he has caught the eye of his target, he will move in. The narcissist will begin by coming on very strong, telling the target that she is special and of course he is too. He will say they were meant for each other because they are different. The narcissist will constantly flatter his target and be very attentive, calling her many times a day, just to say "he" was thinking of her. He will quickly become an important person in the target's life and she will find herself swept off her feet by this "wonderful, perfect man".  

Once the narcissist has become totally ensconced in the target's life and her in his, the role will change for her from target to victim. The narcissist's dance of destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. He will begin to mentally disassemble the victim's beliefs about herself and the relationship. What she once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, gut wrenching and unstable. She is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviour of her narcissistic partner.  

The narcissist will make plans with his victim and cancel at the last minute. He will talk only of himself, his needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, he will instantaneously strike, like a venomous serpent, and harshly remind the victim that his needs are more important. The victim learns all too quickly to speak only of him. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of himself. He will conveniently forget to pay back money he has borrowed from the victim. The narcissist will even go as far as to say that the victim is "too happy" and her happiness is something that he just cannot bear. He will say and do terrible things under the guise that he is not like other people, that he is much more sensitive than most and that he feels so deeply about things in general that it is "difficult" for him to relate to regular people who are not "special" like him. The victim becomes less and less of what she used to be prior to meeting the narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration and destruction by the narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. 

Although the dismantling of the victim was skilfully orchestrated by the narcissist, he will unmercifully criticize the victim for "not being the person" he fell in love with. He will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the narcissist and left by the roadside.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A COMMON TACTIC OF MANIPULATORS

(with regards to this post.   I have received numerous emails that YID with LID is doing the same & cutting off those in the blogosphere who don't agree with his posts on his blog or other blogs and ask for discussion. Why discuss anything or listen to anyone's reasoning when you're YWL?)

  Slap a Blogger  

Manipulators. We've all been taken in by them. All malignant narcissists are manipulators, though not all manipulators are narcissists. Either way, it is impossible to avoid them. It is possible to minimize our susceptibility to them. The concept that has helped me the most in enabling me to recognize when someone is trying to force me into what they want from me is the reality that manipulators are aggressive, and most times they are able to hide their aggression. George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. of "In Sheep's Clothing" calls them "covert-aggressives". As I read his book I realized that my whole experience with my sister especially, but also my mother, was that of being up against a covertly-aggressive person. My sister is better at it than my mother is. Interestingly enough. Simon makes a great case for opening our eyes to what is really happening in these interactions; that the character disordered individual, or simply aggressive person, is fighting to get their own way when they use certain tactics. And he points out that they are tactics. Not defensive reactions.
"...viewing someone who's in the act of aggressing as being defensive in any sense is a major set-up for victimization." pg. 95
He also describes the tactics of the covert-aggressive as being another form of lying. One of the first things their tactics accomplish for them is to conceal the fact that they are fighting with you. They are refusing to allow you to have the opinion you have, the standards you have, the decision you've made. They are attempting to force your surrender to their way, their opinion, their standards (or lack thereof). But the first thing they must do is come at you in such a way that the first thing you'll think is that they are reacting defensively. They hide their aggressiveness under a cloak of pretense that they are simply acting out of defensiveness which, of course, means that you attacked them. So the next thing their tactics accomplish is putting you on the defensive. Now you are knocked off-balance and the covert-aggressive will likely start throwing so many different manipulative tactics at you at once that you end up falling for the ruse and capitulate. Simon states that it is impossible to list all the tactics manipulators use, but he does make a short list of the most popular ones. He starts with "minimization". It is a 'oh my god' moment to see it spelled out. How many, many times have my mother or sister used this tactic on me and others?? It could not be counted. Simon again contrasts the behavior of the neurotic with that of the character disordered as he explains this tactic:
"...the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain...Neurotics frequently make mountains out of molehills, or 'catastrophize.' The disturbed character frequently trivializes the nature of his wrongdoing. Manipulators do this to make a person who might confront them feel they've been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation."
Then the money quote, in my opinion:
"Minimization is not primarily the way they make themselves feel better about what they did, it's primarily the way they try to manipulate my impression of them. They don't want me to see them as a person who behaves like a thug. Because they are most often comfortable with their aggressive personality style, they also want me to believe that there's nothing wrong with the kind of person they are." pg. 97


Can you see the lie that is the fabric of this type of manipulation? If you miss the lie, you can be convinced by the manipulator that you are the one aggressing against them. You are the one who is misapprehending the truth of what happened, the truth of what they are. You big meanie. Look at poor little defensive me trying to stand up against your mean and nasty aggression against me! I was only...fill in the blank...as they cut that mountain down to the size of a zit. You back down because suddenly they are the victim and you are hurting them. You fall for the wounded wing act. The one who was truly fighting for their own way is pretending that you are the one who picked the fight, who is being unfair, who needs to admit you are wrong! I so loathe this sneaky way of lying to get ones way. I had read this book some months before my last interaction with my sister. I had forgotten about the book, but some of the concepts I had learned were operational for me. My sister's aggression was immediately obvious to me. I did not allow her to minimize the mountain. I didn't believe the covert lie that by my having a certain opinion that I had put her on the defensive. I again highly recommend this little book. It can save your sanity when you're suddenly in a "fight" with a sneaky little lying f-ing manipulator. 

  SOURCE

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I LOVE GOOD EXAMPLES, DON'T YOU?

Innocence seldom utters outraged shrieks. Guilt does.

~ Whittaker Chambers

 


Remember this comment from here? Well, I got so many emails with resources on this one -- I am reposting this comment WITH the resources & comments. Not my words, the words of professionals & people like Kathy Krajco & Anna Valerious. Friends who are brutally honest with me and who GET IT! (YWL's original comments are in BLUE)
Yid With Lid said... Ok Barbara Enough! I got your two comments today and I am not posting YOU are just as guilty, YOU did not do this with your eyes closed, YOU were a married woman.
----------------------
Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice. Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. **Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap!**
But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy. That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good.
You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that. In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period. - Kathy Krajco

"you were a married woman" - YWL
Actually, I was estranged from my husband already when he looked me up on Classmates.com. I got this one in my email from a friend and was just STUNNED at how it fit:
Moral principles are a person’s sense of right and wrong. The women victims had high moral principles and an internal moral compass of right and wrong. Their moral sense and its relationship to a psychopath are quite interesting. Although many of them tested very high in the morality department, they ended up with the immoral and unprincipled psychopath. Psychopaths interestingly enough seem to want women who are highly moral for two reasons: The first is, he likes the image and status of himself with a moral person. She makes him look moral by his affiliation with her. Secondly, if she is highly moral, she will continue to adhere to her principles despite his behavior. She is not likely to “do unto him” as he has “done unto her.” For instance, although he cheats, she would be less likely to cheat.
In the relationship with the psychopath, she was likely to become mortified at the immoral behaviors he engaged in. Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their woman are. They mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Additionally, women in pathological relationships seem to project their normal characteristics onto the psychopath. She sees what she is, in him. Her ability to project and his ability to pretend, allow him the stage to mimic her moral principles in his life.
Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through sexual deviance he asked her to participate in, or asking that she lie, steal, cheat, or in some other way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on. Her compassion is likely to keep her helping and supporting, all the way to the bitter end. The psychopath’s salesmanship has women believing that “just a little more” support/help/compassion/ empathy/tolerance will get him to the place that no other woman was able to help him get to. After all, she’s come this far and invested this much if just a little more investment will finally get her what she wants in him, then it’s worth it to just hang in there! Of course, it’s down the road that women realize that all the support in the world can’t change the incurableness of his pathology.
The sooner you move on with your life, the sooner you will heal physically, emotionally spiritually.- YWL
“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” - Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel.
As far as I am are concerned, I publicly confessed my iniquity, I publicly showed contriteness by baring my soul. - YWL
Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable. more from the Big Babies Club here
As far I am concerned you can continue dragging my name through the mud, while whitewashing your own responsibility. - YWL
"Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth. I have treated individuals who have lied most egregiously by reciting a litany of true facts!
How does someone lie by telling only true things? They do so by leaving out important other, important facts essential to understanding the truth of the whole story." In Sheep's Clothing, pg. 98
I am done playing your sick game. - YWL
 
Actually, the only one who ADMITTED IN WRITING that I supposedly "played HIS GAME" with him... was YWL! So, who was playing who? Can't assert one thing and then another when it's convenient... now can you? 
 

I don't see how seeking APPROPRIATE ACCOUNTABILITY & REPARATIONS is game playing.
 
What does facing the facts about narcissists teach us?
They act out of malice that envies everything in others, even self respect. It also teaches us not to let the holier-than-thous load a guilt trip on us for holding him or her accountable for damage done. It's just sanctimony. Which is phony. Narcissist sympathizers are a huge part of the problem. Blow them off. Misplaced love or sympathy or loyalty is vice, not a virtue.
And it's also stupid.

I WILL NO LONGER BE BULLIED BY YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS. I am dropping it--no more posts or comments. - YWL
The reasoning goes like this: So, the narcissist's abuse is nothing to get angry about? You are to act as though it didn't happen? In other words, you are to make nothing of it, right?

Wrong. For, if it is nothing, then you are nothing. Why? Because everybody knows that if I bash an object, that's nothing, but if I bash a human being, that's something.

If I step on a bug, that's nothing, but if I step on a human being, that's something.

Yet, no matter what, the do-gooders just don't get it — until they're the one that gets bashed. Then they see the degrading value judgment in making nothing of it. By telling you to make nothing of it, they are telling you that abusing you was nothing. That means you are nothing. Indeed, if your abuser bashed your automobile, they wouldn't tell you to make nothing of it, would they? An automobile is a thing of value, so harm done to it requires reparation.

But, harm done to you is nothing, eh? What a dehumanizing value judgment.

And it lands on top of the one the narcissist dumped on you. Feel better now? First he got on your back, and now they pile on too. The holier-than-thous should be criticizing the abuser's behavior, not the victim's. There's a name for people like that, "Job's Comforters" or "troublesome comforters." That's what I mean when I say that people saying stuff like this do more harm than good. Pound, pound, pound, they all pound you down with that club that says

Doing that to you was nothing = You are nothing. And it's a sin for you to not cover up for him by acting like it didn't happen.

Just what you needed to hear, right? So, who's side are they really on? whether they realize it or not? Hard to take, isn't it? What a heartless thing to do to someone already down. Why can't they just break down and say that it causes them sorrow to hear what was done to you and that it really sucked? Then all they'd have to do is act like you mean something to them. Why is that asking too much? Why do you get all that other crap instead? Sometimes I think they just don't want your sad face to rain on their day. I think it's for their sake that they want you to take Prozac. They just want you to make it go away, to act like it didn't happen. If it's a sin to even be angry about degrading treatment, then what can you do to contradict the humiliating value judgment in it? Nothing. If merely feeling an emotion is stepping off the straight-and-narrow, what could they give you permission to do? Nothing!
Ah, it seems to me that the one whose hands they should tie is your abuser, not you. This way they are accessories to mayhem. The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the moralizing gets, doesn't it? Parrots who get their morality from prime-time TV thus deny you the most basic human right — the right to protect yourself. Just what kind of person would docilely accept abuse? would make nothing of it? A person who thinks he or she is entitled to better treatment? A person who thinks anything of him- or her-self? A person with any self-respect? any dignity? integrity? a backbone?

If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.

Sounders like to sound good by making others sound bad for not taking an affront to their human dignity as though it were nothing. Is that not rubbing the victim's nose in it? That's what it feels like. It's no longer just the narcissist abusing you, the whole world piles on to stifle your objection.
SOURCE
(and btw Yidwithlid has NEVER dropped it!!)


When you decide that the health of your kids are worth more than your bruised ego, you will drop it too, - YWL  

My 'bruised ego'? Now he's giving psychological advice?? ROFL. Talk about PROJECTION. In case YWL missed it the last time: 

If you are the victim of a narcissist, you know that your anger is your assertion of your self-worth.  
"This is why every malignant narcissist is also a character assassin. His or her line is "I'm good because So-and-So is bad." The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period. They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug. Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything iwith a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.- Kathy Krajco
...until then regardless of how much abuse you and your friends choose to heap on me I will not react. - YWL
"The disturbed character always wants things the easy way. He hates to accept obligation. He gets far more joy out of 'conning' people. - George Simon IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING
THERE WILL BE NO MORE POSTS ON THIS BLOG ON THIS MATTER. - YWL
Many offenders are fond of saying, “But I didn’t mean it that way” or “I never meant for that to happen” . BUT INTENT IS NOT THE ISSUE. RESULTS ARE... ...Everybody makes mistakes. Where most of us begin to lose our patience is with those who never LEARN from their “mistakes”- this tells us that these are not really “mistakes” at all, but rather ongoing patterns of behavior. If something is truly accidental or inadvertent, an accountable adult has no problem sincerely apologizing, doing whatever he can to fix the situation, and moving on. Mature adults do not have a problem apologizing for errors in judgment, or innocent mistakes that caused harm to others. There is no guilt or shame attached to a truly unintentional offense. Those who feel guilty and ashamed avoid taking responsibility. One who did wrong deliberately, selfishly, or with malicious intent will be ashamed when he is caught or confronted, so he will not admit what he did. He will try to hide it, make excuses, or in some way weasel out of being accountable for her own behavior.

He will be angry and flustered at being caught when she thought he was getting away with it. He will not admit he was wrong, he will not sincerely apologize, and he will not try to rectify the damage he did.

The reason guilt or shame is felt is that, despite what the offender might say, his words or actions WERE INTENTIONAL, or at the very least, SELFISH. One way or the other, he knew what he was doing and the effects it might have, but he decided to do it anyway, and hope for the best. Otherwise he would have nothing to feel guilty about and no problem acting in a responsible manner and making amends. His ego would not be at stake, and he would not react with the shame of someone who was “caught” doing wrong.

One who feels guilty or ashamed will lie, deny, cover-up, blame others- anything but admit that he was wrong and take responsibility for his own words or actions.

Source
A little something for YWL:



More on VICTIM BASHING

More on CONTROL BY TEMPER TANTRUM

#ifmywoundswerevisible

Friday, September 7, 2007

WHO IS REALLY RESPONSIBLE?

YWL contends that I am using the "coercion" angle to duck my own responsibility in this whole thing. Funny thing is, I took TOTAL responsibility until the police and my PTSD/ trauma counselors went PAGE BY PAGE through all the chats and showed me what was done to me.  

It explained so much... and then I had to deprogram -- which took years.
Without doubt, one of the questions many women have is whether the psychopath was inducing trance, hypnosis, mind control, or used other forms of covert coercion. Many women ask this question because they acted contrary to their own relational histories with other men. Or, they felt heavily emotionally overpowered, trance-y, or spaced out through much of the relationship. So, does the psychopath have the ability to induce trance? The answer is yes. The psychopath also uses positive suggestion. Combined with a trance state, this can be quite effective with women who are high in cooperation. The psychopath gives positive suggestions when he agrees with her ideas, flatters her own self identity, and gives positive reinforcement. This is practically the psychopath’s entire repertoire in the luring and honeymoon phases.
Since psychopaths are chameleons, they pretend to be whatever their women are. They probably mimicked the women’s own moral principles. Ironically, many of the women’s stories end with the loss of their moral principles in the relationship. This could be through [his coercing her to] in some way violate her own moral code. By the end of the relationship, she was likely to have become mortified at his immoral behavior and how it took her down a negative path she never intended on.
Why YWL did this... is still beyond my understanding. He says "it takes two to tango." That statement is predator blame-shifting 101.
 

~ Bidermans Chart of Coercion ~

Abusers use tactics similar to what prison guards use on their prisoners, it is a type of brainwashing. They recognize that control is not easily accomplished, they need the cooperation of the victim. This can most effectively be gained through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical prisoner. These tactics form what we know as emotional & psychological abuse. The original Bidermans Chart of Coercion identifies these methods and tactics of power and control used by abusers and their anticipated result. This Chart was originally a publication called "Report of Torture", which depicted the brainwashing of prisoners during war. Diana Russel later reprinted it in her book "Rape in Marriage." The tactics used are:



ISOLATION -

this deprives the victim of all social support that is necessary for the ability to resist. It makes the victim develop an intense concern with self. It also makes the victim dependent upon the interrogator, just like our predators, wanting all the control. They demean our family, friends, jobs and schooling, to the point that we generally give them all up. We begin to believe what they are telling us and fear what may happen, if we don't go along with them. Once they take away our outside support system, so we have no one telling us anything different, than what they are saying. 
 

MONOPOLIZATION OF PERCEPTION -

this fixes attention upon the immediate predicament and fosters introspect. It eliminates any stimuli competing with those controlled by them, and it frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance. This makes us worry about each moment, we have little or no outside contact or focus, just what is happening with our abusive situation and if we don't abide by what they say or want, we know how bad it can and will get. 

 

INDUCED DEBILITY AND EXHAUSTION -

this weakens both our mental and physical ability to resist. How many of our abusers picked 3am to cause an uproar? Odd or emotional times, when we were not strong enough to resist. Or the ones who want you to waiting around online for them, only come on at late hours once they have you hooked, not let you sleep, then go at it with you all night long. They know when we are tired, we are more vulnerable and more apt to give in to their demands, without a fight. Exhaustion makes it even more difficult to counter the accusations and we agree to things we never would under normal conditions. 

 

THREATS -

this cultivates anxiety and despair. Threats can be as bad or worst than actions, the fear this can instill can do an incredible amount of emotional damage and alot to keep us in line. This is an emotional blackmail.


 

OCCASIONAL INDULGENCES -

this provides positive motivation for compliance. Often after the abuse, during the "honeymoon stage" they may send flowers, call you all the time, "love bomb" you, be kind and promise unconditional love, ect. Some nice little things, which to the victim will usually mean alot, when we are so wide open with pain. It will always happen when we are most vulnerable. But to the sociopath it only means more control!

 

 

DEMONSTRATING "OMNIPOTENCE" -

this suggests futility of resistance. Making you believe they are completely capable and have the ability to carry out any threats and warnings they have given you, if you don't comply. They have all the power and you better do as they say, regardless of what you may feel about these things.


 ENFORCING TRIVIAL DEMANDS -
this develops a habit of compliance. All those little things they can get you to accept doing, those lists of chores, asking you where you go, how you dress, how you speak or not to speak -- what they 'expect' in a woman. Begging you for cybersex, photos, etc because they "need" them is also part of this. This a part of their way of getting you to do the big things, the bad things and also keeping quiet about them. They have been programming you to obey, whatever they say.

 

DEGRADATION -

this makes the cost of resistance appear to be more damaging to self-esteem than the capitulation. It reduces the victim to "animal level" concerns. In other word, if you don't go along with what they want, you will suffer the consequences and that will be worst than if you just do whatever they want.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 




All of these methods have been used on us, day after day. The road to freedom and healing begins with overcoming everything they have worked so hard to put into place in our minds. This sometimes requires an understanding trauma therapist. It is not an easy task. 

The first step is to acknowledge them for what they are - tactics to have power and control over us. Most everything that has been said to us are lies and empty promises. We must totally begin to think for ourselves and wipe out all the negative things that we have been programmed to believe and feel.

Every one of us must know, none of it was our fault, we didn’t ask for it and we definitely did not and do not deserve it.


There is nothing any of us could have done differently, or better that would of changed how they have acted, or made the trauma not happen.


That is the sole choice and problem of the predator. They usually will never admit that though.

No one deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form - even online. It is our right to be happy and free from abuse. The users of these tactics are criminals, just as a rapist, an armed robber or a murderer.


They should be treated as such and not be made excuses for or their abuse and preying on us covered up.

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http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com  2009-02-12 0
Awesome post- thank you All that guilt and shame that psychopaths such as this Yidwithlid place upon us continually crush our morals and our worth as human beings. It is emotional rape plain and simple.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

TRUTH: IT MAKES YOU ANGRY AND SETS YOU FREE

Truths that make us angry 

1. The sociopath never loved us. We were used. He or she wanted our money, or sex, or a place to live, or business connections, or a family to make him or her look normal, or whatever. All the promises of eternal love were bald-faced lies. We were supply, that’s all. They toyed with our hearts, and we are furious.  

2. Other people just don’t understand. Those who have been lucky enough to avoid entanglements with sociopaths cannot fathom how we fell for it. They don’t comprehend the elaborate deception, the psychological manipulation and our inability to extract ourselves. We hear, “Just get over it already,” and are angry at the callousness of people who say they are concerned for us. 

3. Credit card companies don’t care that we’ve been defrauded. The con artists talked us into paying their expenses or giving them money. Unless we can prove identity theft, the credit card companies don’t care how many lies he or she told. Even if a court finds the sociopath guilty of fraud, we’re stuck with the bills — which is patently unfair. 

4. Legal authorities cannot cope with sub-criminal sociopaths. Unless the sociopath commits murder or robs a bank, chances are slim that law enforcement will take action. Fraud and domestic violence charges are difficult to prove, so they often don’t get investigated. But even if the police do take action, much of it is undone in the courts. Between manipulating the legal system and lying under oath, sociopaths rarely get the punishment they deserve. Sometimes they actually get away with murder, and we are fit to be tied. 

 5. Media images of sociopaths are wrong. On television and in the movies, sociopaths are equated with The Sopranos and psychopaths are portrayed as Hannibal Lecter. Some disordered people are, in fact, demented murderers and serial killers, but the vast majority of them are not. By promulgating myths and not reporting reality, the media do a tremendous disservice to everyone. As a trained journalist, this one really pisses me off. 


Truths that set us free

6. Evil exists. Many of us got into our predicaments because we did not realize that human beings are capable of the evil that sociopaths perpetrate. Now we know, and knowledge is power. We know to be on the lookout for these predators, so that we do not fall into their traps again.  

7. Our intuition knows better. Most of us felt something was wrong with the predator early in the game. We got the tickling in the brain, the twisting in the stomach, telling us to get out. But we let the sociopaths explain away our concerns. Now we know — when it comes to protecting ourselves from evil, our instincts are usually right.  

8. We cannot save the sociopath. Sociopaths do not seek treatment. But suppose, due to a court order or fear of losing their gravy train, they do submit to medication or therapy. Suppose the treatment makes them 50 percent less abusive. That’s still 50 percent too much abuse for a healthy relationship. No matter how hard we try to save them, sociopaths are incapable of empathy or love. Adult sociopaths will not suddenly develop a conscience. So we can put down the burden of rescuing them, because it is not possible.  

9. We must learn discrimination. An important meaning of the word “discriminate” is “to distinguish accurately.” Our mission in life is to learn when to say yes, and when to say no, so that our decisions support our wellbeing. We cannot abdicate this decision to others, even to people in authority. Some of them are sociopaths. Even if they aren’t, the people in charge do not always have our best interests at heart.  

10. We are responsible for our own healing. We’ve been exploited, injured, used, and now we are struggling to overcome the pain. But where did the pain actually begin? There may have been some vulnerability or desire within us... Somehow we felt we were lacking, and that gave the sociopath an opening. He or she ripped open our hearts, and whatever old wounds were hidden in them. Now we must look within, force ourselves to take stock of everything that’s there, and heal. Even when we have support, it is a lonely journey that we must undertake ourselves. But it is the journey that truly sets us free. 

 
(thanks to LoveFraud.com)